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Old 13.11.2019, 21:37
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What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

My lovely nan passed away exactly a year ago. She died in my arms, a moment I shall never forget. There is not a day I don't think about her as we were very close.
About 4 years ago, I started recording all her messages left on my answer phone. She would often forget I was at work and leave very long messages, some very funny, others a little sad when she was talking about loneliness, missing my grandpa etc. I managed to transfer all these to my PC and share them with the rest of the family. It feels like we're still on the phone to each other...
I drank a wee drop of Whisky (to give me courage) and a glass of Champagne (her favourite drink!) in her memory, playing her favourite records. That's my little tribute to her today.
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Old 13.11.2019, 21:52
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

That's a lovely tribute McTAVGE. My granddad passed 2 years back, we were pretty close. He had an amazing life (which i mentioned a bit about in other threads) anyhow he wore the same shoe size as me, he also happened to love buying sneakers especially nikes. And he bought many a pair, sometimes wearing them only a few times and then storing them away. He gave me 2 pairs he wore only a few times a year before he passed and I still wear them today.

So it's not hard to remember him for me at all, whenever I feel I miss him, I go for a walk in them.
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Old 13.11.2019, 21:55
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

I also have messages of people I kept, in fact when I gave up my homephone last month I had to transfer some before packing the phones away.
Those voice recordings are so much more than photos.

The ones who passed away I always think of on their birthdays, not on the day they passed. And I don't have any rituals, they're just kind of with me all day long, which is nice. It makes me giggle more often than sad as I go through the day, remembering what they'd say about things and actions.
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Old 13.11.2019, 22:51
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

My dad and granddad loved singing, and I have cassettes of both of them singing but can't bring myself to listen to them. Also have videos of my mum that I won't watch, and I should because my OH never met her and she would have adored him. My dad would have too.

I'm not religious, so I struggle rationalising this, but things happen that people could interpret (and have interpreted) as my parents making their presence felt. With my dad, occasionally the room fills with the scent of Drum shag pipe tobacco. It's happened often enough for my OH and two of my closest friends to say "Your dad's here". With my mum, I hear her favourite song at the most peculiar moments.

In August, I was at ZRH flying out to the funeral of my mum's younger sister. The flight was delayed, then we were taken out to the plane and returned to the terminal without the bus doors opening. The flight had gone tech. Gutted, I went into the ladies to phone my OH and during the call my mum's song came on. OH could hear it playing in the background and said "I think you're going to make it" because it's not every day that you hear Barry White 'My Everything' playing in the ladies at ZRH.
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Old 13.11.2019, 23:00
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

McTAVGE, you post is wonderfully touching, my dad died a while back now and whilst we were never close, i have very few souvenirs of him really.

My only worry with posts like this, it quickly turns into a full blown «Top Trumps» competition.

Keep your pecker up....
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Old 14.11.2019, 00:10
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

I kept just a small personal thing besides the usual stack of photo's and some practical things I use and that will be thrown out when worn off. To me the more we keep the harder it is to move on.
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Old 14.11.2019, 00:29
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

I lost my father 13 years ago to asbestosis/lung/brain cancer. I was very close to him. I was living abroad and came back home to try and assist my Mom; to watch him suffer and waste away was very tough for me - and tough for him too as he was such a dignified, hard working and proud man.

I had recently moved to Amsterdam at that time and I had three relatively young children (well not so young 12, 10 and 7) but I felt so conflicted about leaving them in a new country/new school and trying to help my Mom and my Dad. They, my Mom and Dad, were very close and did everything together.

I will never forget the day I left the US and flew back to Amsterdam to join my husband and children. My Dad seemed to resurrect in a weird sort of way; his color looked better and he seemed stronger and sat erect in his chair. My Mom told me, "You have helped so much! Look how much better you Dad is since you arrived! I am so hopeful!"

My father passed two weeks after I left. I honestly believe he willed himself to appear better so that I could go back to Amsterdam and be with my husband and kids.

He was such an amazing man on so many levels and I miss him! Can you tell?
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Old 14.11.2019, 07:10
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

I hope and don't think it will. When you are an expat, away from friends and family, you might amplify things a little because the comfort from others is virtual, but the little gestures to keep the memory alive is what I find interesting. How people cope with loss, because there are days I am really struggling, she was my lifeline and true confidante, the one who could offer genuine, not judgemental, common sense sound advice even in the trickiest situations.
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Old 14.11.2019, 18:01
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

I lost my father suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 23. My Dad was 54. I was worried if I would still be able to see his face and remember him when I reached that age, which seemed really old to me at that time. I asked my Grandmother (his mother) and she told me that I would always be able to bring his face, the feel of him and the smell of him to mind. She was not wrong. I am now nearly 60 and my memories of him have not faded at all. I am also lucky enough to see his face when I look at my two sons.
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Old 14.11.2019, 18:49
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

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To me the more we keep the harder it is to move on.
That's so true.
My mum died in 2005 and my brother and I were allowed just 72hrs to empty and clean her flat. Half went in the loft above his garage and the rest in my back bedroom. It took until Jan last year before I could finally work through it all without breaking down. I have a suitcase of the items I kept which are a random bunch now that I think of it. Besides tonnes of photos and my parents' wedding album, I have my granddad's RAF cap and his WWII Dodge truck mauals, my nan's passport, my mum's lace christening gown, my dad's 2 favourite books, his driving licence and samples of his (beautiful) handwriting. On display in my living room are my dad's BP classic cars edition ashtrays and my mum's fairy statuette. But the big thing for me is my collection of Christmas tree decorations which includes some from my parents and both sets of grandparents.
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Old 14.11.2019, 23:18
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

My grandfather passed away in 2004, at 75 years old (I was 20 years old). We were very close, but due to a selfish/bastard uncle who inherited and insisted on having "everything" he could grab, I was left with little to no physical things to remember my grandfather by (my uncle even asked for the gifts that were given to me during my grandpa's lifetime, which I refused and it has caused some tension in the family). I was rather devastated by his sudden (cancer) death at the time.

Since his death I have achieved the usual milestones like graduated from university, founded a family, and started a career - and I always thought "I know you'd be proud of me".

I have come to realize that the material things he left don't matter - it's the memories and the impact it had on my development as a person. My mother says that I have much in common with him in the way I treat people and even in physical gestures etc.

How do I pay homage to him and his memory? I am not religious at all, and neither was he even though he was a catholic in a very catholic country. As a kid, we went on long walks and shorter city trips together and whenever we would visit a church, we would light up a candle mostly because I was a kid and I thought it was fun - but my grandfather always said "just remember, never give money to the church - they have more than enough".

Sure enough - ever since he passed, I pay homage by lighting a candle in his honor and saying "this one's for you, buddy", every time I enter a church I've never been to before (but yes, I do pay for them nowadays). After moving so many times and having lived in 4 countries in these 15 years, I think he has enjoyed it as much as I have.



(and nowadays I light two candles - one for him and one for my wife and kids, and do so in new churches and at Christmas).

Last edited by xandeo; 14.11.2019 at 23:19. Reason: line spacing
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Old 15.11.2019, 00:19
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

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My grandfather passed away in 2004, at 75 years old (I was 20 years old). We were very close, but due to a selfish/bastard uncle who inherited and insisted on having "everything" he could grab, I was left with little to no physical things to remember my grandfather by (my uncle even asked for the gifts that were given to me during my grandpa's lifetime, which I refused and it has caused some tension in the family). I was rather devastated by his sudden (cancer) death at the time.

Since his death I have achieved the usual milestones like graduated from university, founded a family, and started a career - and I always thought "I know you'd be proud of me".

I have come to realize that the material things he left don't matter - it's the memories and the impact it had on my development as a person. My mother says that I have much in common with him in the way I treat people and even in physical gestures etc.

How do I pay homage to him and his memory? I am not religious at all, and neither was he even though he was a catholic in a very catholic country. As a kid, we went on long walks and shorter city trips together and whenever we would visit a church, we would light up a candle mostly because I was a kid and I thought it was fun - but my grandfather always said "just remember, never give money to the church - they have more than enough".

Sure enough - ever since he passed, I pay homage by lighting a candle in his honor and saying "this one's for you, buddy", every time I enter a church I've never been to before (but yes, I do pay for them nowadays). After moving so many times and having lived in 4 countries in these 15 years, I think he has enjoyed it as much as I have.



(and nowadays I light two candles - one for him and one for my wife and kids, and do so in new churches and at Christmas).

this is a great post and you nailed it on the head with your comment above.
even though my post was regarding something physical about my grandad, he definately left me with much more than his shoes.
I often think of him and my grandma (she was the hero and is the standard bearer for all things i do in my life WWGD?)
My grandma was a widow with fours kids at a fairly young age. She lived a full life till her nineties (this is grandma on the other side)

I am sorry there was family disputes regarding your grandfather's possessions, I hate that about families, I have seen this with mine too. But you seem to have come out from this a better person. I am sure you are right when you said,your grandfather would be proud of you
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Old 15.11.2019, 01:12
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

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this is a great post and you nailed it on the head with your comment above.
even though my post was regarding something physical about my grandad, he definately left me with much more than his shoes.
I often think of him and my grandma (she was the hero and the standard bearer for all things i do in my life WWGD?)
My grandma was a widow with fours kids at a fairly young age. She lived a full life till her nineties (this is grandma on the other side)

I am sorry there was family disputes regarding your grandfather's possessions, I hate that about families, I have seen this with mine too. But you seem to have come out from this a better person. I am sure you are right when you said,your grandfather would be proud of you

Thank you. And yes, I absolutely agree - I can only imagine in my head what he would have thought of his son behaving the way he did after his death - shameful. But not worth for me to care about anymore.
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Old 15.11.2019, 10:05
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

I lost my mother tragically at a young age. She never got to cross the pond and go on a European adventure, which was a life long dream for her.

Whenever I am on my travels, I try to do some things I know she would have loved and discover them through her eyes. I am not religious, but I feel her presence in those moments and hope she is somehow watching over me and happy.
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Old 15.11.2019, 11:43
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

In October 2000 my eldest brother peter died. My mother had cancer (and she died 2 months later) so I was finding it really difficult at his funeral - trying to comfort my mother without breaking down. So I started to remember some of the crazy things me and I brother did over the years (he was quite a character).

One thing I remembered was in 1979 he bought a CB radio, purely because Mrs Thatcher refused to legalise them and his call sign he used made me laugh so much. I remember at the funeral that memory made me almost laugh again, I was certainly smiling. My cousins saw me and looked rather horrified, but I felt comforted by this memory.

The next day I opened a gmail email address using his call sign. And I've since used it elsewhere too. His call sign was GrumpyGrapefruit. My brother Peter is still around, every time I have a look on EF
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Old 15.11.2019, 12:07
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

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In October 2000 my eldest brother peter died. My mother had cancer (and she died 2 months later) so I was finding it really difficult at his funeral - trying to comfort my mother without breaking down. So I started to remember some of the crazy things me and I brother did over the years (he was quite a character).

One thing I remembered was in 1979 he bought a CB radio, purely because Mrs Thatcher refused to legalise them and his call sign he used made me laugh so much. I remember at the funeral that memory made me almost laugh again, I was certainly smiling. My cousins saw me and looked rather horrified, but I felt comforted by this memory.

The next day I opened a gmail email address using his call sign. And I've since used it elsewhere too. His call sign was GrumpyGrapefruit. My brother Peter is still around, every time I have a look on EF
`


At least we have that mystery cleared up now !


Nice post, nice memories
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Old 15.11.2019, 15:18
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

What a fantastic thread! It’s been a while I have posted on here - but today I had to say goodbye to a dying friend and this thread is exactly what I need.

It made me ask myself how will I remember her. After going through this thread, think I will note down a recipe for Schnitzel in my Recipe book and call it “K’s schnitzels”. She’s been terminally sick for a while now, and while she was still at home. she wanted to cook lunch for her children. Despite being hooked to a morphine drip and some other seriously heavy medication, she was always painstakingly preparing schnitzels for her 2 kids. I was absolutely floored by her strength and insistence of doing it herself. Since then, I’ve been making homemade schnitzels almost every week

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Old 15.11.2019, 15:28
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

I alway's buy flowers on my lost-loved one's birthday's.
Everytime I glance at them I think of them and let the memories flood my mind.


I dream of them a lot, either singly or group situations, when I wake it's as if I've spent time with them.
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Old 15.11.2019, 18:30
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

My father and I shared a deep love of reading, in fact he's the one who installed it in me. One of his greatest pleasures was finding an author or subject completely new to him, and then sharing that discovery with me.

My way of paying tribute to him is to pick up one of his favorite books, re-read it while raising a glass in his honor, remembering the great discussions we had.

Recently I picked up a volume of his I had not seen since my student days. His margin notes were fascinating, pointing to depths that my younger self probably had not fully appreciated.

He was a wonderful man.
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Old 15.11.2019, 19:23
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Re: What do you do to remember a loved one who passed away?

Not at all in a morbid way, I am loving all your responses. It shows grief is a universal feeling, we all have our own way of dealing with it and some of your stories actually brought some nice smiles rather than more sadness. Thank you.
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