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Old 31.08.2022, 19:14
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Bullying

A very good article about bullying in Switzerland. I have sent it out to a number of people who write that there is a lot of bullying but not much done about it.

https://www.nzz.ch/english/bullying-...ers-ld.1698795
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Old 31.08.2022, 20:25
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Re: Bullying

Excellent article, Focus. Many thanks for bringing this issue up.

I think parents can play a major role in the way a society fights against this phenomenon. Teach your child to recognise abuse and to reach out for help and very important, teach your child to be kinder with their peers. It's very important to have discussions at home about what is and what is not appropriated in relations with others. Some people tend to forget these basic things.

Last edited by greenmount; 31.08.2022 at 20:37.
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Old 01.09.2022, 09:25
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Re: Bullying

There's a good point there - if there's bullying in a class, the teacher's authority is being undermined.
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Old 01.09.2022, 11:41
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Re: Bullying

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...very important, teach your child to be kinder with their peers.
Yes, this exactly. Thank you.

On a more humrous note, a friend from Germany sent me this:
"No matter how much you teach your children to be kind, German-speaking children will always be Kinder."
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Old 02.09.2022, 20:23
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Re: Bullying

When we first moved here my little girl would come home in tears at lunch time, She could not be more swiss with her blood hair. (my wife is Swiss) I would tell her that the bullies were suffering from low self esteem.

Recently I was speaking with an expat who's 10 year son had been diagnosed with ADHD. The therapist told he that they needed more structure. I said no. What he needed was rewards . She worked on thios and it made a difference.

Many parents try to motivate their children via force, shame and guilt and even hitting.

I tried to force my son to clean up his room. I thankfully learned that I was the problem not him.
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Old 03.09.2022, 10:51
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Re: Bullying

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I tried to force my son to clean up his room. I thankfully learned that I was the problem not him.
So how did your son's room get clean in the end?
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Old 03.09.2022, 11:42
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Re: Bullying

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When we first moved here my little girl would come home in tears at lunch time, She could not be more swiss with her blood hair. (my wife is Swiss) I would tell her that the bullies were suffering from low self esteem.
.
And that's it...did it really help her? I mean we all know that bullies have a problem but I'm just curious if a child can healthily cope with regular harassment just by being told his perpetrators are dumb, or have a psychological problem or whatever. That's a lot to ask from a child of certain ages. Sometimes significant adults need to intervene. IMHO
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Old 03.09.2022, 12:00
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Re: Bullying

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And that's it...did it really help her? I mean we all know that bullies have a problem but I'm just curious if a child can healthily cope with regular harassment just by being told his perpetrators are dumb, or have a psychological problem or whatever. That's a lot to ask from a child of certain ages. Sometimes significant adults need to intervene. IMHO
Absolutely, the adults need to intervene.

Being bullied, demeaned, called names: you can intellectually grasp that the things being said are not true, but emotionally this can leave a scar. "Boys will be boys" and similar sayings ("girls in cliques can be mean") are not the solution.
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Old 03.09.2022, 20:46
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Re: Bullying

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So how did your son's room get clean in the end?
It didn't but that is okay but have a great relationship with him

Worked on rewarding him
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Old 03.09.2022, 20:47
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Re: Bullying

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And that's it...did it really help her? I mean we all know that bullies have a problem but I'm just curious if a child can healthily cope with regular harassment just by being told his perpetrators are dumb, or have a psychological problem or whatever. That's a lot to ask from a child of certain ages. Sometimes significant adults need to intervene. IMHO
The idea was for her to let go ands know that nothing was wrong with her
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Old 03.09.2022, 20:50
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Re: Bullying

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Absolutely, the adults need to intervene.

Being bullied, demeaned, called names: you can intellectually grasp that the things being said are not true, but emotionally this can leave a scar. "Boys will be boys" and similar sayings ("girls in cliques can be mean") are not the solution.
What can be done is go to the parents of the bully. If that does not work then go to the school board. Lastly you can go to the police.
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Old 03.09.2022, 22:38
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Re: Bullying

In smaller communities the parents know each other so we would be acknowledging any problem fairly quickly at the school…that in itself is usually enough to stop bullying but it does happen.. It’s horrible, and should be acted on swiftly….
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Old 03.09.2022, 22:48
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Re: Bullying

I've read psychology articles before that have said that the root cause of bullying is the desire for power (e.g. to appear powerful in front of their friends, to try to boost their own self-esteem, etc.). I learned a few times while growing up that the only way to stop being bullied is to stand up to the bullies because that takes away their power. If they are stood up to, the bully is no longer able to derive that sense of power, and so the bullying stops.

Being bullied can really break down someone's self-esteem, which of course only empowers the bully and encourages them. At least in my experience while growing up, sometimes you really need to work up the nerve to finally stand up for yourself. And for myself, I'm so glad I did, because in both separate incidents, finally standing up to them was the only way that the bullying finally came to end (and then I no longer dreaded riding the school bus or going to gym class ).
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Old 03.09.2022, 23:15
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Re: Bullying

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What can be done is go to the parents of the bully.
This is exactly what my mum did when I was 11 years old and a 14-year-old boy in our school thought it was funny to come from behind and headlock me for a minute for no reason to the point where I twitched my neck.
She just knocked on his parents front door and put them to their place. The boy never even talked to me again.

Back then I felt extremely embarrassed by my mum's initiative but now as an adult, thinking back at it, I admire her courage to do what she did.

And this is what I would do if I were to have children. I can see cases where this wouldn't work, but it would be my first line of action.

Unfortunately, during school years, having even the slightest difference from the mass and thus diverging from the mean, will probably make you a target.

And then no matter how hard parents try to rationalise what bullying is about
('bullies have low self-esteem', 'cherish your unique traits', etc) it is almost impossible for a child to get over the humiliation it feels, even if it might comprehend the rationale.

I have curly hair and where I come from this is rare, so obviously that was a reason for kids to make fun of me. Looking back at it, I feel lucky to have a unique feature and I wouldn't want to change it. But back then, I just wanted to not stand out.

As greenmount stated, 'teach your child to be kinder with their peers'. And also teach them not to be silent observers when others are being bullied or even worse laugh and participate because 'everybody else was laughing'. Everything starts with good parenting.
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Old 04.09.2022, 08:58
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Re: Bullying

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So how did your son's room get clean in the end?
In my daughter's and niece's cases, they moved out.

In niece's case, she moved in with an Italian in Laveno-Mombello, who was a cleanliness freak. She now raises goats in Tennessee to make expensive goats' milk and beer soap to sell to her former fashion school classmates (she got her degree in Milano, but she's from Vermont)

My daughter's is still a mess, but she does keep a clean kitchen at work (but NOT at home). Alas, at 6 months shy of 30, she is still a child!

Tom
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Old 04.09.2022, 09:39
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Re: Bullying

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So how did your son's room get clean in the end?
I used to be overly focussed on having a tidy and well organised home, which used to lead to unhelpful discussions with my daughters. When I stopped appearing to care, in reality I switched tactic.

Never waste time arguing with children. They always have more time than you.
‘Daddy, can you buy that >>insert fashionable brand<< hoodie I wanted?’

‘Yes, princess. How are you getting on with a,b and c that we talked about you doing?’

I don’t feel any shame in helping them understand that life can be a collection of small negotiations.

These days, it’s ‘dad, can I take your car tonight?’

‘It’s a bit low on fuel and hasn’t been washed for a while’

‘I’d better take your credit card as well then’
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Old 04.09.2022, 10:02
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Re: Bullying

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Never waste time arguing with children.
doesn't take a lot of time to say 'no'.
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Old 04.09.2022, 12:08
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Re: Bullying

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doesn't take a lot of time to say 'no'.
True. But it does sometimes take will-power on the part of the parent to stand by their own "no", withstanding the onslaught of the child's or teenager's subsequent reactions.

Learning that a no is a no is such a valuable lesson. Well done to the parents who live that, setting a good example.
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Old 04.09.2022, 17:02
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Re: Bullying

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doesn't take a lot of time to say 'no'.
Sounds a lot like not arguing.
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Old 04.09.2022, 21:04
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Re: Bullying

I have heard about a lot of bullying created by an alcoholic parent who uses force.

If parent tries to use force they can also give children trauma.
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