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Old 04.08.2010, 12:49
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Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Hello EF-ers,

Firstly, some facts: I moved here 12 months ago with my fiance as she had been in the UK for a long time and was homesick. I voluntarily gave up my flat (rented it out), job, friends and family.

Life here has been good for me, but not for her. For me, because I now earn good money and learn a lot, but not for her as she is working from home, rarely gets out of the house and is probably too close to the parents again.

Our wedding was scheduled for September but because of interference from said parents, an event occurred that has ruined everything. I don't really want to go into what it was and whether anyone else thinks it as shocking as me, that's an old horse and it's been flogged many, many times.

Suffice to say, the wedding has been cancelled but on top of this, she has now finished the relationship and moved back home to mum and dad.

My reason for posting is this: I am distraught that I could be dumped after giving up so much. I am scared because I have a property back in the UK, for which I send money back each month to make sure there are no problems. If I lose my tenant - I'm in schtuck.

I'm obviously right now feeling very vulnerable and lonely as most of my friends are her friends, though I have, through EF, met some other people.

What I really want to know is, has anyone else experienced something similar? Did you stay and make it work for you? I'm happy enough here but a big part of me thinks I simply need to stay put due to the job situation in UK. I'm not mega-qualified and do not work in some very specialized area, though I have a good job here.

I just need to hear someone say they have been through similar, stayed, met new people and managed to feel good again. I'm basically in two minds: stay until xmas when I'll have some savings to go home and look for work, or stay, get a new place to live and try to make a new life (for at least 12 months).

I don't want to give up really. But right now I'm hurt, upset and feeling very alone. Oh and I have a cat to think about...!
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Old 04.08.2010, 12:55
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Re: Personal crisis - reassurance needed...

Dont worry, I have been through worse. It all worked out even better than I expected, in the end

You are not dumped, you are just allowed to be single again. Imagine all those singles' threads you can contribute too.
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Old 04.08.2010, 12:59
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Re: Personal crisis - reassurance needed...

Mate, this is love, who hasn't been through similiar.

Firstly, this is not the end of the world. Lift your head up, I mean right now, physically. It's impossible to feel down when looking up as someone once told me.

Secondly, Your life is in Switzerland. Invest your time and efforts here, do not look back , look forward. It is obvious to me that you are happier here.

Thirdly, your rental situation in the UK is causing your problems. Sell up, get rid of the problems. That's one less attachment and one less source of hassle.

Fourthly, give the lady some time. Stuck at home with parents ? The reality will soon hit her, and she will follow her heart. This means you have to come up with a better life plan for her in Switzerland. The EF is a great source, but you gotta sell the idea, and it has to be a good one.

Fifthly, get out to the EF social events. Wherever they are , make an effort, get out of your shell and rut. Make friends , if you are down all the time , and lonely, what kind of signal are you sending to the lady back home ? Show her that there is a great social life here, friends to be made, beers to be drunk , cheese to be rolled etc.

Sixthly. Pull yourself together man !!! Hit back at life, grab it and do what you want with it.

There ya go. CHf450 please.

Next !
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:00
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

If you actually enjoy the new envorinment here and make good money, where is the difference between here and home? You will need to make new friends, ok, but the rest seems to be fine... maybe the break up was better now then after the marriage.

Yes, you could lose a tennant. How likely is it? How hard is it to find a new one? Does it make sense to sell the property? We do not know the details, you can make up your mind on that one... but owning a house in the UK is alone not really a reason to go back, is it?
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:02
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Cats are nice. You are here, why not stay? Leave if you have something "better" to leave for. Otherwise, make the most of being here, while you can.
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:03
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Yes, many have been in your situation - coming here for love only to find the relationship crumbling and having to start all over again. I wont name names, they will emerge from the woodwork and share their stories if they are comfortable - but it can be done. I can think of at least 3 who've been in similar situation like yours and are now flourishing.

Stay here and stick to your job. Like you mentioned, you need to pay the mortgage if your tenant leaves. I am sure this job will allow you to save much more for a rainy day, than the UK? Alternatively, sell it if you think the property market in the UK is worth it at the moment.

I am sorry that your wedding has been cancelled. I went through a similar situation and it wasnt the happiest chapter. You will get through this, I promise. Is there no chance of a reconciliation?
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:05
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

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Hello EF-ers,

Firstly, some facts: I moved here 12 months ago with my fiance as she had been in the UK for a long time and was homesick. I voluntarily gave up my flat (rented it out), job, friends and family.

Life here has been good for me, but not for her. For me, because I now earn good money and learn a lot, but not for her as she is working from home, rarely gets out of the house and is probably too close to the parents again.

Our wedding was scheduled for September but because of interference from said parents, an event occurred that has ruined everything. I don't really want to go into what it was and whether anyone else thinks it as shocking as me, that's an old horse and it's been flogged many, many times.

Suffice to say, the wedding has been cancelled but on top of this, she has now finished the relationship and moved back home to mum and dad.

My reason for posting is this: I am distraught that I could be dumped after giving up so much. I am scared because I have a property back in the UK, for which I send money back each month to make sure there are no problems. If I lose my tenant - I'm in schtuck.

I'm obviously right now feeling very vulnerable and lonely as most of my friends are her friends, though I have, through EF, met some other people.

What I really want to know is, has anyone else experienced something similar? Did you stay and make it work for you? I'm happy enough here but a big part of me thinks I simply need to stay put due to the job situation in UK. I'm not mega-qualified and do not work in some very specialized area, though I have a good job here.

I just need to hear someone say they have been through similar, stayed, met new people and managed to feel good again. I'm basically in two minds: stay until xmas when I'll have some savings to go home and look for work, or stay, get a new place to live and try to make a new life (for at least 12 months).

I don't want to give up really. But right now I'm hurt, upset and feeling very alone. Oh and I have a cat to think about...!
actually I had a very similar experience.
I moved here to be with my ex after a long distance relationship for one year. After about 3days I realised that she was a complete head the ball and I had made a grave error of judgement. I continued to try to make it work however but after 10months I decided to call it a day.
It was an extremely difficult decision to make and I had to decide whether to go back to the U.K. with my tail between my legs, so to speak, or try to forge out an existence here.
To cut a long story short I now speak fluent swiss german, I have a swiss wife for 1year(not the nutter and I have been promoted twice and work in a job I wouldn't be considered for back in blighty.
My advice would be follow your gut instincts, mine told me that I should stay here and in the end it was the right decision.
keep your chin up and good luck!

and lets face it Zurich isn't the worst place to be single and English
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:09
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

I had the same happen to me after I moved to the US.
Complete nutter and after enough crap finally split up. Stayed there for a while and it was my best time ever
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:15
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

You are not alone, literally and figuratively, as it is a common occurrence.

Come have a drink with us. Bring the kitty too.

You can start a new life here; many of us have. Rushing back to the homeland will likely not make things better, so since you are here, why not make a go of it!
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:16
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

I would advise that you sell all your property in the UK.
It will always be a burden if renting from a foreign country as you will rely on greedy letting agents exploit you knowing the situation you are in.
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:21
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

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I would advise that you sell all your property in the UK.
It will always be a burden if renting from a foreign country as you will rely on greedy letting agents exploit you knowing the situation you are in.
Some people rent just fine without a middle man.
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:28
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

I'm so sorry about your wedding I can understand why you would want to move back..just to get away from the hurt. Try to stick it out here and see what happens. Time is a wonderful thing..heals wounds and brings about changes
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:31
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Just think of how lucky you are that you found out about the in-laws BEFORE the marriage.

Switzerland is a fun place to explore. Enjoy the adventure.
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:43
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Guys and girls...

All great advice - thank you. It has made me feel a lot better. The Swiss ladies in my office mother me and they have been really helpful over the last couple of days.

As I said, my gut instinct is to stay and try to make a go of it. I always had a target of three years minimum and I don't really want that to change.

As for the flat, I don't really see it as a burden. I know it isn't worth what I paid for it, so I'd like to keep it if possible but my hand could be forced as my five year fixed term is up in March. We'll see, I'm waffling now but I may be able to get a better deal at that point and not have to send money back each month which would be a big help.

As I said, I have met several people through the forum but obviously now, I will need to do more...um...socialising...(hic!)

Thanks again...
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Old 04.08.2010, 13:44
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

yes this is common. 78% of people moving here as a couple or for love will split up within 1 year.

i also went through a similar thing. quite an interesting position to find yourself in a strange country with no friends or family and not speaking the language.

anyway - i'm enjoying it here but don't know if i will settle down here. next stop may be the far east.
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Old 04.08.2010, 15:01
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

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Just think of how lucky you are that you found out about the in-laws BEFORE the marriage.

It's true, I found out about mine AFTER marriage.

This situation IS common, but what's less common is people having the realization that THEY are the ones in control. So do the atypical thing and turn this boat around, you've got a lot going for you (cash flow and a meow, hello, and Zurich is awesome!) here in CH; show that batshit crazy woman what she's missing and OWN this country.

Last edited by vwild1; 04.08.2010 at 15:06. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 04.08.2010, 15:22
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

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I don't want to give up really. But right now I'm hurt, upset and feeling very alone.
Time heals all wounds.. believe me, been there, done that. I've been here in Switzerland going on 23 years now, the first 7+ married to a woman with Swiss citizenship and then 15 years on my own, divorced.

Right after the divorce I quit my job and went back home to California to lick my wounds plus to do some serious soul searching. 6 months later my company let me return to my old job, it was the start of the second (and best) phase of my life in Switzerland.

Don't let this get you down, just think of it as a "character building" experience and profit from it.
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Old 04.08.2010, 15:26
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Nil carburundum illegitami, as they say

I pretty much concur with wot every one else already said

Why not try to get along to Zurich HB this evening for the cheese'n'beer, meet some nice people, eat some nice cheese, drink some beer and generally feel a bit less alone against the world?
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Old 04.08.2010, 15:38
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Nah this ain't workin, I think your life is pretty ed mate. You must have done something wrong, we did'nt get to hear the other side of the story.

Word of advice just send a note to your ex saying how much you love her and you always will and your life will never be the same again. Forever yours.

You might feel like a pussy doing that, but think of it as planting a seed that will bear fruit in years to come

Also, make friends with a good shrink.
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Old 04.08.2010, 15:41
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Re: Moving here for love...staying after the breakup - advice?

Whatever you do, do not sell the apartment. It is a long term investment so be sure to keep it running, especially if you are working here in Zurich and earning good money. In ten years time the price will have doubled and you will be very happy financially you decided to keep it. It also gives you base for when you eventually decide to return home.

There will always be tenants and real estate agents who can live in it and manage it for you.

I think being single in Zurich could be a really exciting time for you, there are plenty of things to do and some very interesting people to meet. I wish you luck with everything.
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