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Old 05.02.2020, 13:26
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school related matter

Hi all,
Our son is in the 6th grade and we all together are facing a situation. Until now he had 2 teachers each two years. So, in first and second grad he had two teachers, 3rd and 4th another two and now another two teachers for 5th and 6th.
Out of these 6 teachers he has been having issues with 2 particular teachers.
Basically, there was no chemistry between my son and the 1st teacher from the 3rd grade. Simply she didnt liked him(it was our feeling) and the same reaction was also from my son's side. Therefore, he started to say that he hates the school, the teacher is criticizing me etc. However, the feedback from the teacher was: he is doing fine, no problems, bla-bla....

As a result he started to have bad marks, lost of motivation and so on.
The Psychotherapist told us to change the school and move him from a public school to a private school, the argument: at a private school the kids are motivated differently based on their abilities and capabilities.


We did this and initially was very good: high motivation, very good marks and so on. After he changed the teacher the situation degraded again and slowly the same situation developed and now we are simply in the same shit as before.
The teacher says everything is fine, but we feel that the things are like a "deja-vu". Probably again no chemistry in the relation between he and my son.

Now we are between hammer and anvil and have no idea what to do despite all advises from the Psychotherapist. He told us that most likely our son is not in the standard! On the other side, we dont know how to adjust him to be in the standard!



What shall we do? Any advises from similar situations?
Thank you,
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Old 05.02.2020, 13:36
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Re: school related matter

Well. He sounds like a lot of other kids. The definition of "the norm" is fluid, the answer of the Psych sounds unhelpful and not confronting the situation. Having a child leave the public system doesn't sound like helping your son learn to cope.

Do you feel like your son gets bored after a while? What is he like when he's learning with you? Does he need constant stimuli or help? Does he need to be noticed a lot, constant validation or is he autonomous or understands why teachers here consider it important? Does he do something outside of school where he is able to progress and achieve? Sports? Does he respect the couch? You?

Do you have respect for his teachers? Kids pick up on dismissive attitudes of parents...Can you work out something with his teachers or is it hard to imagine for you?

PS - I do have what you call chemistry with my classes but it is not why we are in the class.
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Old 05.02.2020, 13:51
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Re: school related matter

How old is he?
It’s hard to know because the numbering system for classes is not the same for all cantons.
My guess is that he is at an age when lots of changes happen and he is having problems managing them.

It’s a tough one, a teacher is not going to click with every student in their class all of the time that would be impossible. It is a bit concerning that your son has had the same issue with more than one teacher over a relatively short period of time.

I would recommend going to see a different psych as a family and trying to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. It might be something totally unrelated to school.
I say go to a different one as I agree with MC here and think the original one was not really very helpful. Rather than addressing the issue they just shifted it to another place by encouraging you to change the school.
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Old 05.02.2020, 13:56
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Re: school related matter

first experience was at 9 years and now he is almost 12 years.
Thank you for your answer and time answering my question.
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Old 05.02.2020, 13:57
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Re: school related matter

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Well. He sounds like a lot of other kids. The definition of "the norm" is fluid, the answer of the Psych sounds unhelpful and not confronting the situation. Having a child leave the public system doesn't sound like helping your son learn to cope.

Do you feel like your son gets bored after a while? What is he like when he's learning with you? Does he need constant stimuli or help? Does he need to be noticed a lot, constant validation or is he autonomous or understands why teachers here consider it important? Does he do something outside of school where he is able to progress and achieve? Sports? Does he respect the couch? You?

Do you have respect for his teachers? Kids pick up on dismissive attitudes of parents...Can you work out something with his teachers or is it hard to imagine for you?

PS - I do have what you call chemistry with my classes but it is not why we are in the class.



Huh, many questions. I will put them on a paper and reflect on the answer to each question.


Many, many thanks for you genuine help!
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Old 05.02.2020, 14:06
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Re: school related matter

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On the other side, we dont know how to adjust him to be in the standard!
Sorry to say this, but this sounds like a red flag to me.

Two words: adjust and standard.

No, no, no.

There is no such thing as a standard. You cannot adjust a child in the way you can adjust a TV set. Expecting that you can adjust a child to fulfil a standard sounds to me a lot like unrealistically high expectations that do not take into account the situation particular to your child.

I don't want to claim any expertese, as I don't have any, but in my view it is always better to start by looking at what is good rather than what is bad. What does your child enjoy? What motivates your child? Can you build on that to achieve results?
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Old 05.02.2020, 14:17
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Re: school related matter

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Sorry to say this, but this sounds like a red flag to me.

Two words: adjust and standard.

No, no, no.

There is no such thing as a standard. You cannot adjust a child in the way you can adjust a TV set. Expecting that you can adjust a child to fulfil a standard sounds to me a lot like unrealistically high expectations that do not take into account the situation particular to your child.

I don't want to claim any expertese, as I don't have any, but in my view it is always better to start by looking at what is good rather than what is bad. What does your child enjoy? What motivates your child? Can you build on that to achieve results?

Indeed is a rude conclusion for this situatio but i am fed up and i couldnt find any other words.




Thank you for the questions, i will add them to the list!
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Old 05.02.2020, 15:37
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Re: school related matter

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Sorry to say this, but this sounds like a red flag to me.

Two words: adjust and standard.

No, no, no.

There is no such thing as a standard. You cannot adjust a child in the way you can adjust a TV set. Expecting that you can adjust a child to fulfil a standard sounds to me a lot like unrealistically high expectations that do not take into account the situation particular to your child.

I don't want to claim any expertese, as I don't have any, but in my view it is always better to start by looking at what is good rather than what is bad. What does your child enjoy? What motivates your child? Can you build on that to achieve results?
Don't think OP meant that literally - sounded more an exhasperated parent who finds the statement from the psychologist less than helpful as no advice/solution was offered.
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Old 05.02.2020, 15:42
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Re: school related matter

Kid hates school, shock horror

Seriously though, could it be that he is unchallenged by the level of the work? My Uncle (apparently) had problems at school, bad behaviour, bad marks etc. In the end it turned out that the work was too easy for him and he was bored. They put him up a year and problem solved.
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Old 05.02.2020, 16:02
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Re: school related matter

Hi! I'm not an expert but there is something I don't understand:
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the feedback from the teacher was: he is doing fine, no problems, bla-bla....

As a result he started to have bad marks, lost of motivation and so on.

[...]
the situation degraded again and slowly the same situation developed and now we are simply in the same shit as before.
The teacher says everything is fine
Usually in case of problems the teachers have some sort of explanation, or at least some understanding that there are issues. Maybe they blame the kid, or dismiss everything saying "it's typical at this age", but very rarely in my small experience they would just say that everything is fine, and real bad marks are never let go.
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Old 05.02.2020, 16:05
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Re: school related matter

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Hi! I'm not an expert but there is something I don't understand:

Usually in case of problems the teachers have some sort of explanation, or at least some understanding that there are issues. Maybe they blame the kid, or dismiss everything saying "it's typical at this age", but very rarely in my small experience they would just say that everything is fine, and real bad marks are never let go.
I have heard other cases of this.

A child slips from being among the top five pupils in class into being among the bottom five. For a parent, that is worrisome. For a teacher, the child is still within the envelope of normality and there is no reason to get involved.
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Old 05.02.2020, 16:10
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Re: school related matter

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As a result he started to have bad marks, lost of motivation and so on.
The Psychotherapist told us to change the school and move him from a public school to a private school, the argument: at a private school the kids are motivated differently based on their abilities and capabilities.
How did the psychotherapist get involved in this? If the school is happy with the kids performance then I don't see any issue for them to get him involved.

Assuming there is no psychological reasons, it sounds like the kid just has to learn to adapt to the situation and understand there are difficult people in the world. I don't think a year went by that my kids did not get on with one of their teachers during the year. And as child psychologist friend of mine points out - you don't to kids any favours by shielding them from the learn experiences.

But I'm really wondering how a psychotherapist got involved in this....
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Old 06.02.2020, 08:31
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Re: school related matter

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Don't think OP meant that literally - sounded more an exhasperated parent who finds the statement from the psychologist less than helpful as no advice/solution was offered.



Indeed, that's the situation!
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Old 06.02.2020, 12:11
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Re: school related matter

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Indeed, that's the situation!
I hope so.

It just seems to me that people pick up and copy the words, terminology and thinking of people they speak to. So sometimes you can see where somebody is coming from just by watching the words. If the child's teachers or psychologist have been using such words, and causing you to mimic them, that is a big problem.

If not, all the better.
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Old 06.02.2020, 19:46
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Re: school related matter

I’m not sure I have anything helpful to add at this point, but am curious what the expectation is for “chemistry” between the teacher and student.

I really don’t know what the modern classroom is like. Is your child not being treated fairly??
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Old 06.02.2020, 21:34
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Re: school related matter

I have quite a few family members who are teachers. Primary concern is to teach. Making connections, being liked, is secondary. Of course, if you can make connections then you'll be more effective but that's not always possible.
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Old 08.02.2020, 09:19
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Re: school related matter

It sounds to me like your child is having difficulty making connections with some teachers. This is not uncommon. We are all humans, and while we as teachers try to treat everyone equally, there are some kids with which "chemistry" is easier than with others. I have kids in my own class, where I feel my connection is not strong, these are kids that seem to put up a wall between us. What I find odd in your description, is that the teachers don't even seem to recognize a problem. What exactly is your son's issue?
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Old 08.02.2020, 23:38
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Re: school related matter

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I have quite a few family members who are teachers. Primary concern is to teach. Making connections, being liked, is secondary. Of course, if you can make connections then you'll be more effective but that's not always possible.


I don't totally agree with you. While it is not a primary purpose to be liked, popular etc. as a teacher, it is also a proven fact that teachers who manage to tap into the child's "affect" will trigger the motivation and unleash far superior learning. You could teach mediocrity all day, this is not what I would call teaching, just going through the motions.


However, some parents shelter their kids so much these days that the slightest setback and the teacher is to blame, when a good look into the mirror of "parenting skills" would be far more helpful to the child. We talk about resilience, I wonder where it's gone sometimes.
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