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Old 14.09.2021, 15:02
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

I guess bullying is hard to deal with because there's only so much you can do. In the end, each kid has to fight his own battles and there's only so much other parties can do.

As others mentioned, one thing can be some kind of class to give your child some self-confidence. The other is maybe on the social side, if the bully has more friends and support than your kid, then that's not a good starting point.

As a scrawny introverted foreign kid, I was an easy target for bullies. However, it never lasted because:

1. I was a vengeful little f..k. Anyone who came after me would I would ensure that I woud pay them back. Even if I got 10 units of pain back for each one I managed to dish out, I still did it. Bullies, it turns out, don't like to get hurt. Think about it, we can destroy wasps and bees, but we steer clear of them just because they have a tiny sting.

2. Have friends/social network. Harder to bully if i) you have social disapproval working for you and ii) you have a big group of friends who can retaliate

3. When I was around your kid's age, I got a book on taekwondo from the library. Yes, that's how much of a dork I was. And looking back, I'm surprised it worked. One day, coming back from sports to get on a coach, a kid from another school came charging at me shouting a racial slur. I remembered from the book "a side thrust kick is good to stop a charging target". I stood completely motionless until he was too close to avoid it and then I side kicked him in the stomach bracing with my other foot so that his whole momentum got transferred to the force of the kick into his stomach. He doubled over instantly and I just coolly walked onto the coach. The funny thing was that once I was on the bus (a little shakey) I was surprised to see all my classmates cheer me (at least they were on my side when it was inter-school rivalry) and it turned out everybody saw it happen (my class and the other school class) so I didn't get any more trouble from them. and that was just from a book in the library. just think how much more confidence your kid would have going to class and practising.

4. When I was in primary school, I got bullied by a kid older than me. Even then, I was a vengeful and the great thing about revenge is that as a smaller kid, you can pick the time, place and situation to your advantage. So a surprise attack with sand to the eyes first to blind him for the fight and we ended up at the headmasters office. We got a good telling off. The very next day, he was in front of me in the dinner queue so I punched him in the back of the head (protip: smaller kids might want to initiate fights where they will be seen and stopped quickly - you retain first strike and surprise advantage but the fight doesn't last too long to let you succumb to a superior fighter helping the pain dealt to pain received ratio). A quick fight later and we were both sent to the headmasters office. I was a bit scared as I started the fight and was clearly in the wrong. But what do you know, when we get in, before the other kid can even say anything, the headmaster roars "[name of other kid]! you're here again, i told you yesterday already... if i hear from you again you will be sorry!" he got a tongue-lashing and was sent out. i got off scot-free! 😂 one advantage of being the school swot/nerd that nobody would expect you to start a fight! that guy never bothered me again!

I think my advice is to end it quickly, because i suspect the longer you let it go on, the more entrenched the victim/bully dynamic and the bully gets more extreme and emboldend.
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  #22  
Old 14.09.2021, 15:06
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

It is interesting, just had a few Days ago discussion with some Locals and Foreigners about Bullying amongst Kids.

I was quite shocked to learn, that a Girl who I have good Contact with her Parents, was bullied, verbally abused and some Times beaten by a Boy ! From School, this happened when they were 12 last Year. Actually, I believe some of the EF Members probably heard the Story as it happened where I live now.

Basically, bottom line - nothing happened. The School showed no signs of active treatment of the situation and the Parents got the feeling that they should accept it or leave it.

I am sorry to say, but I heard similar Story from a Friend in Bern who's Wife is actually working in a Governmental Office, so not really a "no power" Family.

I also faced the situation at the Kids Verein here in Lachen, where the Trainer chose just to "let it fly" and lets move forward, no need for talking about it.

Well, no idea how they deal here with these issues - if you feel your Kid, irrelevant what Age - went under such situation, it is your right to take action - I would 1st try to speak nicely with the Parents, 2nd Teacher, 3rd School HeadMaster / Board whatever.

On a side Note - as an ex Government Official (in Israel) in the Ministry of Public Security I made some WorksHops / Courses in Kids/Teenage Behaviour - and all over the World - Kids are not Naive as we think, especially today with TikTok and the proximity of Social Networks which influence them and actually cause more and more Bullying. It is our Jobs as Parents, Educators and, at last resort, Authorities to help the Kids who suffer.

Feel free to contact me via PM if u want to discuss it in private.
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  #23  
Old 14.09.2021, 15:35
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

Bullies try to find their target's weak point. Their attempts at bullying succeed, however, only if the target actually happens to feel the same way about that point.

Sometimes it can help to learn about the matter the bully is mentioned, so as to get to the point of being able to reply, very briefly, and leave the matter at that. This can be achieved with knowledge.
Shape and size of the penis? Well, everyone's different: length, circumference, shaft, head.
Gay? Sure, some people are and some people aren't, that's just the way the world is.
Genitals related to sexual orientation? There's no scientifically known connection.


A determined bully will then turn to a next topic, in order to try to achieve the hurt they are trying to inflict. But the victim doesn't have to take the bait, and can just let what the bully said stand, as it is, showing no particular emotionally strong response.
You don't speak the language properly. Yes, that's true. Just n months/years ago, I didn't know a word of it.
You don't know anything about TV-Series X. Okay, do you want to tell me about it?
Your phone is completely out of date. You're right, it's not the newest. It still works okay.
Your mom is so awkward/ your dad is so fat. Well, she's the only mom/he's the only dad I have.
Your glasses are ugly. Well, I'd much prefer not to need them.
Your haircut is awful. Maybe. Fortunately hair grows again.


If the victim does not enter into the provocation of the bully, it can, in the best cases, result in the bully's just getting bored, and turning his attention away.

Of course, this doesn't always work, as each bully has their own set of things that give them a buzz.

I agree with those parts of the suggestions, above, about hleping the child to build self-confidence, both physically and psychologically. Also, yes, speak to the teacher, quietly, to ask for his/her advice on how to approach this, since they already know the bully.
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Old 14.09.2021, 15:37
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

I don't recommend violence, but unfortunately it does work if you succeed. On the other hand, if the bully is a mini Mirko Cro Cop then you are screwed.
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:01
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

Sorry to hear about what your son is having to go through. My son has been bullied off and on and mostly by older boys because he tends to be outspoken. Over time, I have figured that while he complains about it, he knows how to handle it. But I would never dream of giving you the same advice or prognosis, because each kid is different and so is the environment - my son has studied in international schools where there is greater sensitivity about stuff like this and kids ( both the bullies and the bullied ) know that it will not be allowed to go beyond a point.
My suggestions:
1. Your son should speak to the counselor and ask for his / her advice.
2. If there is no counselor, your son should speak to the teacher he trusts the most or has a good rapport with. Again to seek advise.
3. You should speak to some parents you know ( and who may have a longer or broader experience with the school ) and ask for their advice.
Next steps to be determined basis the outcome of the above.
Lastly, in terms of what your son should do in terms of tackling the bully, I think you are the best judge of what your son can or is willing to do and whether he will be able to follow through. I would not let other parents tell me what he should be doing on this count.
I wish your son the best - am sure he will emerge stronger and more prepared for the world but that is not the grounds to minimise this.
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:03
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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Hi all,
My son(age 13) joined a new class with new colleagues.
During this first weeks of this semester one of the new colleagues started to target my son with different remarks on my son's dick and so on. This is know as a mobber and he has several followers. This guy already did mobbing in the past according to his other colleagues.
Anyhow, so far this remarks reached the point where the guy with his followers was debating in front of the class(during breaks, of course) what type of gay is my son.
This is very disturbing for me and especially for my son.
What you doin this situation? One option would be to query each kid's parents but there are 4 or 5 kids, so is a bit challenging or the other option would be to address this with the school. But i dont know if this is ok here in CH because the could see this as normal and stamp me as a hysterical parent.

Thank you for your advises,

We have been always advised to talk to the culprits parents. Apparently this is the way it's dealt with in my neck of the wood.
Parents were mortified and tried to arrange play dates etc never had any problems ever since.

Now I am guessing it also depends on the age of the children and gender with boys being more stubborn and unwilling to repair the damage or admit their guilt. Why not get in contact with their parents and invite those kids over for a football game or something similar?
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:04
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

oh, and if it is just verbal, then it is good to work on banter and putting him in a no-good-response situation: "wow, you talk about dicks a lot! do you spend a lot of time thinking about other boy's dicks, or is it just mine that you like to think about?" the probably leaves him speechless for a second.

you then need to wait expectedly and then follow-up with something prepared. something funny, absurd even. e.g. "what's wrong? can't talk because you've had too many dicks in your mouth?" best outcome is that everbody laughs including his followers.

winning a verbal fight can discourage him as with winning a real fight, is he going to come back for more if he looks like the idiot out of each exchange?
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:11
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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Sorry to hear about what your son is having to go through. My son has been bullied off and on and mostly by older boys because he tends to be outspoken. Over time, I have figured that while he complains about it, he knows how to handle it. But I would never dream of giving you the same advice or prognosis, because each kid is different and so is the environment - my son has studied in international schools where there is greater sensitivity about stuff like this and kids ( both the bullies and the bullied ) know that it will not be allowed to go beyond a point.
My suggestions:
1. Your son should speak to the counselor and ask for his / her advice.
2. If there is no counselor, your son should speak to the teacher he trusts the most or has a good rapport with. Again to seek advise.
3. You should speak to some parents you know ( and who may have a longer or broader experience with the school ) and ask for their advice.
Next steps to be determined basis the outcome of the above.
Lastly, in terms of what your son should do in terms of tackling the bully, I think you are the best judge of what your son can or is willing to do and whether he will be able to follow through. I would not let other parents tell me what he should be doing on this count.
I wish your son the best - am sure he will emerge stronger and more prepared for the world but that is not the grounds to minimise this.
I wonder what was your experience with the School? It feels to me that the school we come from in Germany, and also other Schools that we heard from our Friends there, have much less patience and they act fast before things start to escalate.

Just a small Story - at 1st Grade we were called to School, along with other Boys Parents, for a Meeting with the Teacher. I honestly was expecting the worst and started to question me as Father if my Son has probably done something bad to another Kid.

It turns out, we were all called to School, as the Boys used to argue and shout about, obviously, Football Teams. I asked twice if for sure there was no real "Fighting" so physical contact - I was told no, that if there was Bullying / physical abuse involved - it would not be this type of Meeting.

And really did I study later, on 2nd and 3rd Grade especially, that the Schools there do not mess around - when there is a problematic Kid then School itself raises the issue and involves Social Teachers and Parents. Never ever did I hear that the Bullied Kid has to "cope" or whatever I hear here.
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:13
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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I don't recommend violence, but unfortunately it does work if you succeed. On the other hand, if the bully is a mini Mirko Cro Cop then you are screwed.
Not if he's skilled in BJJ (as Chuff suggested earlier).
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:24
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

Start with talking to the class teacher.

Establish what their plan of action is going to be.

Make sure they follow through.
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:26
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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Not if he's skilled in BJJ (as Chuff suggested earlier).
I agree with Chuff's recommendations, but...

In my class, there were look alike twins, they were cyborgs. They would push us all about, we were almost half their size. The best option was to keep out of their way.

No amount of BJJ would work on them. Even if you beat one, the other one would get you. The size difference was just too great. Btw some bullies do martial arts too
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Old 14.09.2021, 16:31
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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I agree with Chuff's recommendations, but...

In my class, there were look alike twins, they were cyborgs. They would push us all about, we were almost half their size. The best option was to keep out of their way.

No amount of BJJ would work on them. Even if you beat one, the other one would get you. The size difference was just too great. Btw some bullies do martial arts too
Read comment from PHIL MCR above, even tiny bees have stings Of course, I've been knocked down more than once for using my tiny sting, but it works anyway.
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Old 14.09.2021, 17:13
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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Read comment from PHIL MCR above, even tiny bees have stings
Phill was not dealing with cyborg twins They were like fire and smoke to a bee

I am not disagreeing with you as generally a bully will go for low hanging fruits. Someone who is weak and easy to bully.

Cyborg twins never specifically targeted me but the ones they picked on got it real bad. I saw their recent photo online and they are both really fat!
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Old 14.09.2021, 19:55
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

All food for thought for me...
My kid has never really encountered a genuine bully.
Her previous school was tiny and almost every kid (even the ones with weird hang ups) treated others with respect... just a good culture, and she thrived. There were a couple of "meanish girls" but they were lightweights compared to what I saw as a kid.
She's currently at a local public school here in Japan (we are moving to Geneva towards the end of the month), and she's the only mixed race kid (Japanese and European) in the class, and bullying can be brutal in Japanese schools, but she seems to be fitting in... I was kind of hoping for a bit of BS from another kid, so that she could develop some skills for coping/defending herself.
She's got a bit of judo under her belt, and I've seen her have no fear taking on boys or girls with it... but due to covid, it's been a year since she's done it.
I love Phil MCR's advice as last resort sort of stuff, because it comes from experience, makes sense, and he's taken no sh!t.
I'll absolutely be pointing out the advice that if she needs to get into it with someone else, do it in public, and do it quickly and viciously.
She's coming with no French, so she might not have the verbal skills initially, but she's already bilingual, outgoing, and generally friendly... so hopefully she won't need the advice, but I want to makes sure she knows it.
To the original poster, Helek, I'm sorry for what you are going through, I hope it gets resolved quickly, and thank you for bringing up this topic.
Let us know how it all works out.
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Old 14.09.2021, 21:49
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

Talk to that kid's parents.
It all starts (and ends) at home.
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Old 14.09.2021, 22:10
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

It's all about kids being kids and will soon die out once something new comes along
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Old 14.09.2021, 22:13
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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Talk to that kid's parents.
It all starts (and ends) at home.
Unless I knew the parents, I would go to the class teacher first. Imagine if the father had the same issues as the son....
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Old 14.09.2021, 23:15
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

Thereís a sad story from a member here where it all ended in tears.
And itís unfortunately not the only case, some got high profile.
So, schools do take a bit more interest in these things (hopefully) these days.
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Old 15.09.2021, 01:41
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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Well, the thing is that i understood that this guy-bully already received some physical correction from another kid which was bullied in the past and the bullied kid was punished by the school and even the police was involved in that nasty thing. Therefore, i am reluctant in this particular case.
So the victim was bullied, and then hit out at the bully? And thereby the victim became the perpetrator, so the school involved the police and punished the victim-turned-perpetrator?

If I've understood you correctly, then I'd say that the school, and possibly, the police, might be able to advise you. They will be wanting to avoid a repetition of the same set-up. Which is, in effect, what you want, too.

In general, the police in Switzerland tend to say one should rather call one time too many, even if it turns out to be unnecessary, than not call, and then something serious goes wrong. In some police stations, it is possible to walk in, and to ask for advice. You sound, from your posts, like a peaceful kind of person, not stomping around demanding your rights, and I think that if you took someone with you (especially if you don't speak the language, then take your own interpreter along) you might go to ask the police to advise you about a good way to approach the matter, especially since you've already heard the other, rather scary story.

However, the police are likely to ask you whether you've already spoken to the teacher. So perhaps better to start there. Ditto taking your own interpreter, if you need one, as it makes a good impression and shows an attitude of respect if you don't assume that the teachers, police, etc. ought to speak to you in English.

I hope you can get something sorted out. Courage!
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Old 15.09.2021, 07:09
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Re: remarks on sex-related matters at school

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2) Put your son into a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu or Thai Boxing class.
Or swordsmanship/edged weapons. My daughters do this. Not that they'd use it, but rather it builds their self-confidence knowing that "with one well placed blow they [can] split the bully's head in two*", or exactly how to reach a man's heart... with a dagger.

There are on EF, routinely, two kinds of advice given regarding bullying.

1) Kids have to learn to deal with it themselves, parents getting involved makes it worse.
2) Inform the school.

In my view 1) perpetuates a culture where bullying is accepted. In my experience and those of my friends and colleagues, 2) generally works, except for the very worst bullies. And these are the ones where 1) doesn't work anyway.

The best thing is for your son to develop self-confidence. Somehow, my son had bags of it at school, and it was simply impossible for the bully's to exercise power over him, though they tried.


* Bonus points if you get the reference.
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