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Old 28.11.2014, 11:51
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

sorry, i dont' have time to read the whole thread, be very careful not to oversleep as this will make your depression much worse. Try to find a way to exercise that will not affect your leg, swimming for example.

You will also have to find a different strategy to find work. The traditional channels (applying to an advertisment) can very often get you nowhere if you don't fit into the standard schema. Give up on traditional channels and focus on the other ones.... agencies, networking, remote work, start your own business.

good luck... and chin up ;-)
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  #42  
Old 28.11.2014, 12:28
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If I hadn't landed a job in an English-speaking MNC within 6 months of moving, I would probably been have been in a much worse situation than you by now.
What is an MNC??? I've heard that mentioned a few times here.

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You actually have to talk about what you feel with him. Don't let him believe everything is fine.
We have talked about it a lot and he is understanding, supportive, he is doing everything he can to apply in other countries so is doing his part. For me to continue to complain when it is out of his control is pointless I'm afraid. There is nothing else HE can do. It's all in my court now

Last edited by 3Wishes; 28.11.2014 at 13:48. Reason: merging successive posts
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Old 28.11.2014, 12:36
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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What is an MNC??? I've heard that mentioned a few times here.
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  #44  
Old 28.11.2014, 12:47
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Get a dog ...... that'll give you loads to do -- get you up early, exercise and fresh air, and you'll be surprised at the people you'll meet and talk with, through your four-legged friend.

..... and just generally, therapeutic.
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  #45  
Old 28.11.2014, 13:01
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

I love dogs! Not sure our landlord would approve but it's for sure a great suggestion for loneliness and sadness.
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Old 28.11.2014, 13:17
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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...

The first thing people ask you is "So what do you do???" I used to have a cool, interesting career, creative pals, stimulating hobbies. I often wonder if i made the wrong decision: giving that all up to come to boring, dull, safe "Pleasantville" Or is it just me that has evolved into a completely dull, boring version of myself?

...
why not look up some books on amazon on finding your bliss, you know the corporate working world isn't all its cracked up to be you'd be like all the other worn out, nervous about their future, depressed consumers out there. if you are in the enviable position of someone keeping a roof over your head while you find your way you are in a much better position than consumers trapped in jobs/mortgages/children. start exploring what makes you tick, i can't imagine for the life of me that someone would want to be in human resources but thats me.

ps if you like to hang out with creative people theres a good chance you are one too.
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  #47  
Old 28.11.2014, 13:25
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Okay, here's an idea. Why don't we (all who relate to this post) meet and see if we find friendship and strength in each other. For starters, it will be equally awkward for all .

The one thing I learnt in the last year here is that you really have to put yourself out there to make things happen. It means being proactive at every opportunity (like what I just did), giving every person a chance, applying to every job that fits your requirement, and just staying 100% determined to make things work. It will feel forced. It will need you to toughen up about judgements. It will be exhausting. But it was only once I got out of my comfort zone that I began to see results. It's great that you are doing it all - just don't stop! Do not quit!

Feel free to IM me, and I'll be happy to share my experience with job hunting in marketing communications. Being a non native English speaker the odds were really against me but it did eventually happen. But employment may not be the solution, at the heart of it you need to make peace with this move.
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Old 28.11.2014, 13:33
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

When my wife arrived here she could not speak a word of German.

After a year of fulltime German school, she landed her first job. She was fired 3 months later. Turned out they were just using her to fill a gap until someone else showed up. We almost gave up. Then she found another job. Not great, working for a tyrant. Lasted 2 years. Then she found another job. It clicked.

Next year she will be celebrating her 20th anniversary of working there.

Think long term. Nothing worth having is easy to get.
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Old 28.11.2014, 13:46
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Sure you cannot do a Masters in Zurich. Many are not that expensive ie around 2000CHF, and in English. Most programs are 1 and half years. Could get you qualified for other line of work, and meet new people in the process.
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Old 28.11.2014, 13:49
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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Get a dog ...... that'll give you loads to do -- get you up early, exercise and fresh air, and you'll be surprised at the people you'll meet and talk with, through your four-legged friend.

..... and just generally, therapeutic.

Get a dog is a choice and a long terme implication, dog isn't like a playstation.

If you get a dog go to pick an abandoned one in an animal shelter.
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Old 28.11.2014, 13:53
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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Get a dog ...... that'll give you loads to do -- get you up early, exercise and fresh air, and you'll be surprised at the people you'll meet and talk with, through your four-legged friend.

..... and just generally, therapeutic.
When I was out walking, ahem, OUR dog, earlier (he's the family dog, with canine sense of who is most reliable, moi) I was thinking about Hopeinajar, and also thought of a dog, but don't think it is a good idea at all. It would give structure to current situation, but would just complicate matters should she have a work opportunity, and likely keep her at home even more in the interim. Cat maybe, for therapeutic value.
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  #52  
Old 28.11.2014, 14:09
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

You are not alone..I can relate to exactly how you feel! My husband feels it to some extent too since we moved here (and he is Swiss!!) although having a demanding full time job keeps him busier than me. Whilst there are so many helpful suggestions here to keep one busy - the problem is no matter how many times you bake a cake, do a page of scrapbooking or walk in the forest; sometimes one still has that void inside...


I would be keen to meet up with others who are in the same boat
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Old 28.11.2014, 14:10
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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Okay, here's an idea. Why don't we (all who relate to this post) meet and see if we find friendship and strength in each other. For starters, it will be equally awkward for all .

The one thing I learnt in the last year here is that you really have to put yourself out there to make things happen. It means being proactive at every opportunity (like what I just did), giving every person a chance, applying to every job that fits your requirement, and just staying 100% determined to make things work. It will feel forced. It will need you to toughen up about judgements. It will be exhausting. But it was only once I got out of my comfort zone that I began to see results. It's great that you are doing it all - just don't stop! Do not quit!

Feel free to IM me, and I'll be happy to share my experience with job hunting in marketing communications. Being a non native English speaker the odds were really against me but it did eventually happen. But employment may not be the solution, at the heart of it you need to make peace with this move.
I'm in

You are soo right about having to be proactive about making friends and I'm anything but that. But now that you've made the first move, I'm in!
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Old 28.11.2014, 14:14
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

(I posted a reply to this, got an error message and now can't see my reply; apologies if it reappears and I am repeating myself!)

What are your husbands thoughts, you have confided in him? Do you think meds would help? They alter your mood (btw they take 3 weeks to start taking effect) but obviously they dont change your situation, which appears to be what your problem is? Although if you are really struggling they can provide you with some relief. Only you know if they are right for you.

I don't live too far from Zürich and up for meeting up although I am a mom so have restrictions on free time (and it is true that motherhood "sucks you in" to some sort of a social life; all my friendships here outside of English Forum have been made through school or after-school activities!)
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Old 28.11.2014, 14:25
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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(and it is true that motherhood "sucks you in" to some sort of a social life; all my friendships here outside of English Forum have been made through school or after-school activities!)
And this happened in spite of not knowing German and your kids going to Swiss school? (I know I'm presuming a lot here, but can you kinda make out the gist of my question? )
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Old 28.11.2014, 14:28
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

sign up to a professional networking site such as linked in and/or xing. i found a job through that, or rather the job found me. know what you're going through. post-immigration depression common among folks like us but it will pass and working will help immensely.

good luck with everything! and if the fog gets you down, hop on a train and follow the sunshine if you can.
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Old 28.11.2014, 14:39
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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Think long term. Nothing worth having is easy to get.
This.

My story was very different to yours, but no less dispiriting at the time. It took several years to find my feet again, but things now are better than they've ever been.

What worked for me:

Changing my expectations: not the same as lowering them, just changing my understanding of the world. Second hand book shops and authentic curry were replaced by curious discoveries in mountain villages and interesting sausages. Expensive trips to Istanbul and Paris were replaced by random wanderings round the Niederdorf and Rapperswil. It was strange at first, but over time a slightly boring Switzerland opened up and revealed itself to be a lot deeper (and a lot weirder) than I expected. Nine years later and I'm still constantly surprised.

Learning: related to the first point. I read tons of stuff in books, on the internet. I spoke to people. I asked silly questions. I made notes. I went to find stuff I'd heard about (I got some very funny looks hanging round the Frauenbadi trying to work out where the Wellenberg used to be). I filled my time and my brain with all kinds of apparently unrelated garbage until it all began to connect and make sense. Switzerland is a lot less boring once you start to understand it.

Going out: this was very hit and miss, but - again - turned out ok in the end. Being amongst a crowd of strangers can be the most miserable, dispiriting experiences you'll ever know. "So, where do you come from? How long have you been here? What do you do at weekends? Grrrrr!". I spent months and years looking for "people like me". Then I gave up and just went with the flow. It turned out in the end that some of the people most like me aren't actually anything like me at all (if that makes sense...). I also went out on my own and scoffed immense quantities of Coupe Denmark. That was fun.

Walking: not cycling, not running. Just walking. Not even necessarily in the mountains. You should have a wander round Zollikon sometime - it's a fascinating little place! Then there's Hottingerplatz, the Englischviertelstrasse, Enge... all sorts of places waiting to be serendipitously experienced.

Goals: At my lowest point, about eighteen months after I'd arrived in Switzerland, when my money had run out and I was coming out of a really quite unpleasant situation, I made a list of objectives. I'm not normally an MBA goal-oriented type of bloke, but things were so bad I was prepared to try anything. On it I included things like "get a social life", "learn German", "get a proper job". Then I forced myself to consider ways to actually meet those objectives: practical ways, that could actually be done. It took a long, long time to tick even the first item off the list, but I got there in the end.

The two most important things are patience and persistence. You will continue to be miserable even as things improve - you wouldn't expect a broken leg to heal in a couple of weeks, and our souls are much more delicate organs - but don't give up. Don't expect true happiness, but aim for contentment and see what follows. You might well be surprised!

One other thing, saved for the end: some people find that attending church helps a lot. YMMV, but it worked for me.

Good luck, and keep at it.
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Old 28.11.2014, 15:17
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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I'm considering medication as I feel like I have lost all livelihood, friends/support, motivation and interests I used to pursue. I've lost all zest for life...nothing is very enjoyable here for me anymore...the culture, bad food, weather, overpriced products, countryside. I have a knee injury which prevents me from going skiing, snowboarding or doing strenuous hiking (so please, don't tell me to just take a hike and look at the nice scenery)
What about a trip back home? You seem like you also miss the place you're coming from. Have you been there since you left? Did you keep contact with your old friends? It's very important to try to integrate and fit in as best as you can but also to not feel like you cut all your roots or like there's no going back. (even if you decide there isn't)
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Old 28.11.2014, 15:28
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Hi,

It scares me how common this is among couples that relocate due to one partner's job offer. I can understand it's a very normal reaction as everything that matters to you, except for your relationship with your husband, looks pretty unattainable... at least for the time being.

I haven't got much to offer except for sympathy and internet hugs, but those are my two (actually four) cents:

1. Among other things, you mentioned you miss the exciting hobbies you used to have: I wonder what prohibits you from doing them again. I understand that part of the problem could be the cost (as you mentioned in a previous post), but it might be worth it if this makes you a little happier. I'm focusing on hobbies because one thing you have now plenty is free time; it's a long process to find new friends, work and your place in a new country. To survive this process you need to find a way to make your days fulfilling independently of your future expectations (see above for work and friends), and the quickest way to do this is by your everyday activities.

I've mentioned this is another thread, but a good example are classes (e.g. at the Migros School). I'm taking a pottery course and it's amazing! You don't really need to know the language as you learn with your hands, it's a very relaxed atmosphere and you slowly get to know the other 4-5 people in the same class, addressing both your creativity and social needs. Same goes for any other class of course - is there anything you would like to learn? Painting, pottery, photography, dance, anything the thought of which excites you. If you can't afford it, you can still find a substitute, either focus on learning yourself (hello internet!) or search for cheaper solutions (e.g. courses at weird hours).

2. Another highly important part is your husband. I understand you don't want to burden him by complaining too much, but it's important that you still feel you both are a team. You should let him know of your frustration; as well as your close friends. Telling them will help you feel connected again; distance makes it harder to sense if a friend is unhappy until she says so.
By the way, I wonder if there is something similar to EPFL's International Spouces association in Zurich, it might be worth looking into.

3. Sun! As others mentioned, the lack of sunlight might be affecting you too. You might be interested in checking if vitamin D and/or light therapy (such as this device) could help.

4. In case you can't get a dog (and maybe also independently of this ) you might be interested in volunteering for a shelter or any other cause you feel strongly about. I'm sure it can fill your days to the last minute and give you a sense of purpose.

4 ½. Don't give up! You've been under a whole lot of changes and you need some time until you can get everything back on track again. Set goals: be fitter, be a better cook, be the perfect candidate for your dream company, be the new van Gogh. The rest will come
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Old 28.11.2014, 15:56
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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Okay, here's an idea. Why don't we (all who relate to this post) meet and see if we find friendship and strength in each other. For starters, it will be equally awkward for all .

I'm in! Oh and just to warn you all. I talk a lot when I am nervous but I am a nice person!
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