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Old 27.11.2014, 19:46
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Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

I came here a little over a year ago for love (Swiss spouse) and envisioned it to be like many newcomers: a Heidi-like postcard, quaint villages, good bakeries, chocolate and cheese. I read of a great, bustling economy and a huge number of foreigners, rating it the "best place to be an expat."

It has been a sad awakening for me. I feel as though I'm verging on a breakdown. I haven't landed a job and integration seems like a near impossible feat after speaking with long-term expats (most of which are immersed with their 3 kids/families here, or Finance job that they transferred here with.)

I don't know what else to do: I'm in German courses everyday, practicing the language, I go to activity groups, events, try and meet people, walking in the fresh air everyday. I apply to jobs everyday but there are no opportunities in my field. They ask for 4 different written/spoken languages and EU experience (was a Copywriter/advertising in the US)

My spouse has ailing parents now, so unfortunately I can't go anywhere. He's very invested in his career and even though he is open to moving, has not been able to get job interviews anywhere else. I put on a smile and cook dinner before he gets home, because I don't want to upset him, nothing else he can do. I've begun to feel trapped and anxious about the future.


I'm considering medication as I feel like I have lost all livelihood, friends/support, motivation and interests I used to pursue. I've lost all zest for life...nothing is very enjoyable here for me anymore...the culture, bad food, weather, overpriced products, countryside. I have a knee injury which prevents me from going skiing, snowboarding or doing strenuous hiking (so please, don't tell me to just take a hike and look at the nice scenery)


I've traveled all over the country and for me it's just more of the same mountains/cows/countryside. I'm someone who prefers metropolitan, multicultural, inspirational cities with a lot of sunshine and/or access to the sea. Sometimes I just sleep for hours to make the day shorter, it's like I'm 30 going on 70 years old living in a retirement home around here.


Can anyone here relate or have I gone completely mental? What would you do in this predicament?
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Old 27.11.2014, 20:21
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am having the same difficult time. My background was in human resources, which is completely different here, so I am basically unemployable.
It is beautiful here, but like you said... Cow, cow, tree, rock, cow, water, cow. The beauty is repetitive. I do enjoy living here, but I understand how lonely it gets. You need to find some good friends to help take your mind off everything. Also, since you are here for your husband's job and family, make sure he knows how you feel and is taking care of your emotions.
If you every want to chat, feel free to message me.
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Old 27.11.2014, 20:46
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Thanks. I really needed to let some emotions out. It's really difficult these days trying to fit into this box and I feel as though I have no one to talk to. The language barrier does make it extra challenging as well. People from home think it's all "chocolate & cherries" here and my old friends have gone m.i.a. probably bc they do not understand, or can't relate, or they think bc I'm in Switzerland I must be married to someone "loaded" which is totally not the case!!!

The first thing people ask you is "So what do you do???" I used to have a cool, interesting career, creative pals, stimulating hobbies. I often wonder if i made the wrong decision: giving that all up to come to boring, dull, safe "Pleasantville" Or is it just me that has evolved into a completely dull, boring version of myself?

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's lovely, safe, organized, great for nature/mountain lovers, families, skiing, on the other hand, I have a much longer list of Cons (which I probably don't need to rehash or go into). Bottom line is, love doesn't always come knocking at your door. I need to keep trying. I just want to thrive and be happy!

I'm just trying to cope, get through this long gray winter and hopefully meet some people that I can relate to at some point!

I'm curious if anyone has any SUCCESS stories: getting out of the "trailing spouse slump"

all the best to you!!
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Old 27.11.2014, 20:56
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Finding people to relate to ..... ? That's the hardest part - after 14 yrs., I haven't - but I'm a difficult bugger for other people to relate to ..... including the missus.

I've just got used to doing many things independently of interaction from others.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:04
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

I have met some nice expats that speak English, but most have kids here or completely different lifestyle/outdoor interests/careers.

I have yet to meet anyone that I have much of anything in common with! And I am someone that appreciates having a wide circle of interesting, multicultural, colorful (in personality if you will) creative friends.

The culture here feels sort of oppressive/repressed compared to other places I have traveled. Very difficult to connect with people.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:06
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

You want to integrate here without a job?
Have a baby. Seriously. The whole system will suck you in and you will become Borg.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:10
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

I don't like outdoor sports either but have kids so am I off the list too?

Big hugs, life is never how we plan and it's sad when you move and the grass isn't as green as you expected it. Been there, done that.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:11
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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I came here a little over a year ago for love (Swiss spouse) and envisioned it to be like many newcomers: a Heidi-like postcard, quaint villages, good bakeries, chocolate and cheese. I read of a great, bustling economy and a huge number of foreigners, rating it the "best place to be an expat."
....

Can anyone here relate or have I gone completely mental? What would you do in this predicament?
It is the best place to be an expat (depending on what you want of an expat-life, of course)
But you are not an expat, you are the "other" part of the bi-national marriage of your husband.
And that is something completely different.

If you like cities, sun, beaches - why did you move to Switzerland?
Switzerland has maybe two or three cities (Zurich, Geneva and maybe either Basel, Lausanne or whatever else you consider 3rd place) - and even those are a long way from Paris, London and New York or LA.
No beaches and, depending on where you live, not really a lot of sun during the year...

I'm not a doctor, but would medication really change anything about that?
Do you honestly think you can pop a pill or two and - poof - everything's nice and peachy?
I know this is the US-way of actually "dealing" with these problems - but I'm not even sure you'd get the kind of medication you want as easily here as in the US.
And then it would cost a fortune...

In the meantime, you can try to compete for small odd-jobs via odesk.com or freelancer.com

I never really tried to get one of those jobs, but did some freelancing after while I applied for regular jobs.
At least, it makes a better story in the CV than "sleeping till 11:30"...

I went back to the rest of your postings (a year here and just six postings - it seems you do have a life here after all ) and realized you are the one who recently asked about the "pregnancy-question" in interviews.
So, we come full circle here, sort of. Because after re-reading that thread I also realized that you (apparently) dodged that question in the interview and even in the thread.
So, this is a bit like the elephant in the room.

Now, I'll go out on a limb and make an educated guess: it's not the question you don't like, but the fact that (maybe) you don't know the answer yourself.

Because, like it or not, this is what a lot of women here actually do (trailing spouse or "native") in your situation.

People underestimate the influence a relationship can have on the path of their career - and vice-versa.
These days, we are basically defining ourselves through what we do. If we don't do (work) anything, we feel that we don't exist.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:14
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

HAHAHAHAHA!! I LOVE this. it's absolutely how I feel - it's like a huge alien Mommy Cult over here!!!!


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You want to integrate here without a job?
Have a baby. Seriously. The whole system will suck you in and you will become Borg.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:20
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Female adults do tend to bond together over kids. It's about finding common interests.

Meds wont help it sounds.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:24
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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It is the best place to be an expat (depending on what you want of an expat-life, of course)
But you are not an expat, you are the "other" part of the bi-national marriage of your husband.
And that is something completely different.

If you like cities, sun, beaches - why did you move to Switzerland?
Switzerland has maybe two or three cities (Zurich, Geneva and maybe either Basel, Lausanne or whatever else you consider 3rd place) - and even those are a long way from Paris, London and New York or LA.
No beaches and, depending on where you live, not really a lot of sun during the year...

I'm not a doctor, but would medication really change anything about that?
Do you honestly think you can pop a pill or two and - poof - everything's nice and peachy?
I know this is the US-way of actually "dealing" with these problems - but I'm not even sure you'd get the kind of medication you want as easily here as in the US.
And then it would cost a fortune...

In the meantime, you can try to compete for small odd-jobs via odesk.com or freelancer.com

I never really tried to get one of those jobs, but did some freelancing after while I applied for regular jobs.
At least, it makes a better story in the CV than "sleeping till 11:30"...

I went back to the rest of your postings (a year here and just six postings - it seems you do have a life here after all ) and realized you are the one who recently asked about the "pregnancy-question" in interviews.
So, we come full circle here, sort of. Because after re-reading that thread I also realized that you (apparently) dodged that question in the interview and even in the thread.
So, this is a bit like the elephant in the room.

Now, I'll go out on a limb and make an educated guess: it's not the question you don't like, but the fact that (maybe) you don't know the answer yourself.

Because, like it or not, this is what a lot of women here actually do (trailing spouse or "native") in your situation.

People underestimate the influence a relationship can have on the path of their career - and vice-versa.
These days, we are basically defining ourselves through what we do. If we don't do (work) anything, we feel that we don't exist.
What can i say? I fell in love and that's why I came here. I thought there would be plentiful career opportunities and that Zurich would be more urban (it's more of a town/village than a city) It's also central in Europe with somewhat close access to Italy/Spain/Paris (not like we can afford to go there often) I though, Why NOT?

As far as medication/drugs, honestly, it's what doctors suggest. Who knows, maybe the lack of sunshine here is affecting me?

I want to have a child in the future, but having a baby here where I'm completely, isolated with no support and highly depressed.....doesn't make for a good mom at all!

I have been registered on Odesk and freelancing sites, and nothing has come up so far but will keep hoping. thank you for this suggestion
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:26
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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Who knows, maybe the lack of sunshine here is affecting me?
Could be valid; maybe you're suffering from SAD? I guess it depends how short the days are in Winter where you lived before, and whether you often suffer at the start of Winter.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:29
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

http://www.zurich4you.ch/_international_clubs.html

Plenty of opportunities given here to meet new people and help you find your feet.

You might also want to contact Swiss News

http://www.swissnews.ch/

Maybe they could use your skills.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:47
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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Could be valid; maybe you're suffering from SAD? I guess it depends how short the days are in Winter where you lived before, and whether you often suffer at the start of Winter.

Surprisingly, there are a lot of people that suffer from SAD. You wouldn't think it is such a big deal, but it is.

I am on a Vit D treatment because of the lack of sun and light. In my country I never had such problem so the Dr. here prescribed Vit D.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:47
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

How about studying something new?

Maybe look into jobs that have lots of vacancies in Switzerland and get qualified in one of those? How is your German now? Good enough to study in Switzerland? If not maybe an www.open.ac.uk course?

I also suffer from SAD… always have, I feel my mood instantly change on a warm sunny day. Add that to the stresses of being an aüslander spouse in Switzerland, it is more than easy to get depressed… you're not the only one!!
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:53
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

I arrived here about a year ago, 45 male and followed my wife career and along the way had to let my restaurant go.

Not the best with languages but try, knew working would be hard as I live in a small village outside Bern as well.

A year later I have my routine of cleaning, cooking, chores and many other things. Most importantly I have the made the most diverse of friends that I have ever had including friends from Turkey, Israel a good friend who is much older than me and a full time artist to name a few.

To try to get yourself out this place your in...

- Try your hardest to really put yourself out there - attend every event you can.
- Do things you would not normally do, just posting here is a great start people will IM you just from this.
- Give everybody the benefit of the doubt your friends here may not have been your previous social circle
- There are so many groups here anglo Swiss club, internations, events on this forum, the meet up website is excellent.

Please try hard to not offload yourself when you meet people straight away and I'm sure you will start meeting some great people.

And of course to anyone moving out here you got to do your homework as its not for everybody and the OP has highlighted many of the challenges you will face.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.
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Old 27.11.2014, 21:57
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

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As far as medication/drugs, honestly, it's what doctors suggest. Who knows, maybe the lack of sunshine here is affecting me?

I think you should search for other options before starting ,,popping pills''. Usually, the Dr. will try to prescribe you pills as soon as you enter the door. Once at Gyno the Dr. tried to push me to take anticonceptional pills even when I told her about why I shouldn't take the pills (health problems).
As I said above- my Dr. prescribed Vit D. so maybe you can look into it. You can also try Meditation, yoga, pilates. These are not for me honestly but it works for many people. Or go cycling, running, to the gym, go to a course , for example at Klubschule Migros. You can also volunteer! I used to go for a walk with a dog from a dog shelter close to Kloten, for an hour, in the nearby woods. I just didn't have the time lately but I would love to go back. There are more things you can do so have a look around.
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Old 27.11.2014, 22:17
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Hi,

I found myself in a similar position a couple of years ago when my husband relocated with work to Zurich and I spent my days here without much purpose. We eventually transferred back to UK and started our life again, however due to a sequence of events with a different Company we are now back on almost the same street in a place I thought I would probably never see again.

To cut a long story short we have been apartment hunting today and decided to look a bit outside the city as I think that I would feel better in more peaceful surroundings. We plan to move over in January, I am determined to try to make a go of it and enjoy my time here.

I understand how you feel as have done it myself, sometimes it helps to share and to know that you are not on your own. Pm me when you feel up to it. Ax
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Old 27.11.2014, 22:27
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Is it just me, or anyone else notices some threads tend to show similar issue: trailing wives feel depressed and sad... What's wrong with swiss husbands?

In all seriousness, I actually can't say anything as my situation is not the same with you. Like other posters said, you should try doing something you like or finding something new that you potentially like. Meanwhile, expand your circle of friends that include the local, that'd make you feel more welcome or having "second" home. Most importantly, try to communicate what you feel with your OH.
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Old 27.11.2014, 22:36
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Re: Stay-at-Home Spouses [unemployed, depressed, bored to tears]

Hi hopeinajar,

I have been living here for a little over a year as a trailing spouse and can relate pretty much to everything you just said. In fact that was me last year. No kids. Newly married. Left behind an exciting career, a large group of friends and a busy city life to move here. I tried meetups, immersing myself in hiking, e-volunteering, maintaining a blog, writing for local English publications (for free mind you), just about anything I could to distract myself from getting sucked into those depressing dull days. Unfortunately for me, I could not make any real connections even with all of these activities. I have no idea why people resist friendship here.

What finally worked for me was finding a job - being employed somehow gave me purpose and to some extent made up for the lack of friends. Incidentally I have an advertising & marcom background as well, and finding such a job here in English was a struggle, as you already are aware. But I did manage to find one in an MNC earlier this year. So there is hope! Today I feel more integrated. I cant say my life here is exciting - it really is not! Nope, no circle of close friends either. But I am hopeful and things are finally looking up.

What I find surprising though is that there are so many of us in this boat but cant seem to make connections with each other either.
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