Hi guys, so I've posted my cover letter below but I feel its too long and I can't decide on what to take out. This is for banking position btw. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Dear Director of Human Resources:

I am applying for the summer analyst role in the Capital Markets Organisaion at Citigroup. I HAVE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK WITH MS…… IN THE ….. DEPARTMENT ABOUT THE INTERNSHIP AND YOUR COMPANY’S GOALS FOR THE FUTURE. I am currently on track to graduate with a BEng in Chemical Engineering & Advanced Materials that has instilled a strong work ethic in me, and taught me discipline and perseverance. My strong leadership capacity and my project management skills will fit well with Citigroup’s team-oriented approach to business. I was able to hone my leadership skills during through working on various group projects. I collaborated with a six-person team as we created a design projects consisting of analysis in the realms of marketing, distribution, financing, and production. These skills have prepared me to flourish as a Citigroup Intern because I have seen firsthand the importance of organizational alignment and the codependence of business divisions in relation to the success of a business.

As you can see from my enclosed CV, I worked as a summer analyst with Standard Life Investments and attended Insight days with Morgan Stanley and Nomura where I gained valuable experience of the finance world. Interning as a summer analyst allowed me to explore different divisions, get a feel of the culture in different parts of the firm and oversee a variety of projects. An example of one of the projects involved a closed end fund analysis and evaluation and looking through analysis of fund holdings.

While working with Unilever, my ability to sustain stamina, energy and competitiveness over long periods has allowed me to be the top salesman in West London during their summer campaign with a 40% increase in sales compared to my colleagues. Working as a microfinance analyst in India involved analyzing data for a rural community. Furthermore I was pitching models to community members & leaders that included cyclical income models. This had enhanced my strong analytical skills within the finance world, which I feel is very important to the summer analyst role.

One of the main reasons for choosing this role is for the fact that I like the high level exposure/analysis I would get to do. Furthermore working with executive level people at companies to help them achieve they’re financial and operational goals. I always love challenges and the steep learning curve involved is enticing. Also with the more experience I gain I hope to become more involved with the clients and start to build relationships.
My ability to be dynamic and quick-thinking with a real passion for the markets as well as the ability to communicate effectively and build strong relationships with peers will allow me to be a strong asset to the company.

I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications for the job role more fully in an interview. I can be reached .... or by email at:..... Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to talking with you soon.

Sincerely,

....

Too long, and lots of generic corporate bs words.

Think about it from the perspective of HR and the Line Manager.

Try this - read that letter out loud to a friend. How did that feel? What did your friend have to say?

Now rewrite it using words that don't make you cringe when you speak them out loud. Yes, there is still a formality to a written letter. But find a way to let your personal tone come out. Don't be afraid to be honest - even blunt. Find a way to write it in a way that is consistent with how you would speak face-to-face.

My 2 cents.

Pretty much unreadable, after the first few lines my brain glazed over, why not hire a professional CV writer, give them the bullet points and try again, I am sure that the EF will be full of constructive critics.

all I can say is: BINGO!

CAPS looks as if you are yelling. Nobody like to be yelled at.
I agree with previous comments: try to keep it brief, and read with four eyes - yours and the HR.
I'd suggest to structure it as follows:
1. Why are you interested in this position
2. What are your achievements at previous jobs (as brief as possible, CV should say more on this)
3. How will the company benefit from hiring you.

- Dear Sir / Madam

- Unreadable, less information in different format, this is not an essay, be brief and concise

- The cherry on top is missing

Feel free to re-write and post again, I am sure you will get more feedback

Waaaaaaay too long.

Pick three key qualifications/experiences that are directly relevant to the job/requirements for the job and briefly (!) outline in an example where you had a chance to show the respective skills. Then add why you're interested and why you would be the best fit for the job.

Whole letter should be no more than one page (in font size 12 or so, not 7). Details belong in a CV (to a certain extent)

And delete some of the empty corporate BS words. It says nothinf about you, let alone lets you stand out.

And by all means, no Caps Lock.

I don't think you're far off but the first paragraph is too long. Shorten your sentences generally.

And near the end you say "sustain stamina". This is incorrect usage. Stamina is something that would help you sustain the other qualities.

As others have suggested look at this again and be brutal. Read it out loud. Record yourself reading it out loud.

Check if /where/why there is overlap with your CV.

Good luck.

By the way I am planning to move to Switzerland so that's why I'm asking for help with my cover letter

"As you can see from my enclosed CV..."

Uhuh. Never.

And isn't it a bit late for a summer role?

"Summer analyst". Someone who analyses how good, or bad, the summer was.

Well he is applying for banking.

I'm guessing the OP is not a native English speaker. You can at least do a spell/grammar check. The spelling mistakes would put me off more than anything else, except perhaps for the "honing my skills" thing, but then again if you're coming to Switzerland it seems to be the norm.

Investment banking internships for the summer start now and close in early December so really need to get a move on haha

OK so this is what I have down so far. I feel as I should show my analytical skills somewhere, however i'm not sure where would be appropriate.

Dear Director of Human Resources:

I am contacting you with regards to the available position at Credit Suisse as a Sales & Trading summer analyst. I have had the opportunity to speak with Ms. Reeve in the Department of Investment banking and your company goals for the future.

I am currently on track to graduate with a BEng in Chemical Engineering & Advanced Materials and combining this experience and my strong leadership capacity and project management skills, I believe I will fit well with Credit Suisse’s team-oriented approach to business. Previously, I collaborated with a six-person team as we created a design project consisting of analysis in the realms of marketing, distribution, financing, and production.

As you can see from my enclosed CV, I worked as a Corporate Banking summer analyst with Standard Life Investments and attended insight days with Morgan Stanley and Nomura where I gained valuable experience of the finance world.

I always love challenges and the steep learning curve involved with this position is enticing. My ability to be dynamic and quick-thinking with a real passion for the markets as well as the ability to communicate effectively and build strong relationships with peers will allow me to be a strong asset to the company.

I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications for the job role more fully in an interview. I can be reached ..... or by email at: ....... Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to talking with you soon.

Sincerely,

....

Any help is appreciated, thanks!

How about trying to find out what the name of that HR director is?

Not sure what strong leadership has to do with a summer intern position?

Hi

Second sentence, I think you're missing a couple of words. Reread it again slowly and you'll see where it loses its way... after "banking and". Could suggest a few but could change your intended meaning.

Yeah, strong leadership capacity is a bit too strong. Also "... and the steep learning curve involved with this position is enticing. " makes it sound like you know it might be too much for you already but you'll have a go at a whim.

As for the address, wouldn't the title normally go in the main correspondence address and then you address the director as "Dear Sir or Madam"?

You should maybe ask that other guy for help, you know, the one who just got a job as a burger flipper at McD's

You're putting far too much info. in the cover letter.

This should be already provided concisely in a format (and memorable for a goldfish) in your accompanying CV - at your career stage hopefully about one page.

Kudos to you for exposing yourself to the criticm of strangers. Personally, my pet hate is to see unsupported statements such as results-oriented, team player, leadership, etc. In a cover letter I am capable of drawing my own conclusions when I read "At x company, the team I lead doubled the profit of the previous team" or "I am the department manager, and was responsible for its creation" or again "My idea to outsource our office cleaning saved the company $20,000 a year".

You get the idea?

I´m with you on that. It is a summer analyst job.

See if you can cut the word count in half, while still saying exactly what you want to say. It's a good exercise and will help you to see what is not necessary.