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  #101  
Old 05.11.2016, 13:54
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Re: Is my career over?

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little children need their mum (unless the mother is unfit)..
Nope, otherwise adoption would always end in disaster; plus the child has no idea whether the mother is "unfit" or not. Little children need to be looked after and loved; it's the mums who need the little children and often play power games, regardless of the child's welfare, to satisfy that need. It's the court's job to untangle this.
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  #102  
Old 05.11.2016, 13:57
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Re: Is my career over?

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I´m sorry but I doubt this. Why can fathers not be as good with children as mothers? Are all kids raised by single fathers or gay fathers deprived?

A child can be happy with either. A child that feels there is an ongoing struggle because of her may well notice this and feel unhappy.

Also, too many fathers are deprived of having time with their kids because of divorces etc etc, lack of visiting rights.

PS: before anyone starts "yelling", I am female
Tom's right that one needs both. But if it comes to down to one or the other, Father or Mother, there is a law of nature that makes the bond between the mother and the child greater than that between the father and the child.

The child was incubated and grown inside the mother's own flesh.
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  #103  
Old 05.11.2016, 13:58
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Re: Is my career over?

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Practically the father wants me to pay for an au-pair to replace me if I do the UK job, because he travels internationally sometimes.
An au pair cannot and should not be left in charge of children full time. An au pair is someone who comes here to learn about the culture and language, not to be a babysitter. Conditions are outlined here:

http://www.perfectway.ch/en/for-fami...formation.html
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  #104  
Old 05.11.2016, 13:59
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Re: Is my career over?

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Tom's right that one needs both. But if it comes to down to one or the other, Father or Mother, there is a law of nature that makes the bond between the mother and the child greater than that between the father and the child.

The child was incubated and grown inside the mother's own flesh.
I agree that ideally a child should have 2 parents.

The bond may be there, it just not always is a fact that moms are best?!
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  #105  
Old 05.11.2016, 14:21
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Re: Is my career over?

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I agree that ideally a child should have 2 parents.

The bond may be there, it just not always is a fact that moms are best?!
Yes, 99% of the time.
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  #106  
Old 05.11.2016, 14:27
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Re: Is my career over?

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It could be worse. Imagine spending your days living in the back seat of a Ford Cortina!
Hoy....my parents had a bit of class
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  #107  
Old 05.11.2016, 16:16
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Re: Is my career over?

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I'm not quite sure just what it is that you're trying to say here. Your first paragraph seems to say that there are laws which define kidnapping as a crime, but sometimes kidnapping still isn't a crime. Do you mean that some acts aren't crimes even if there is a law prohibiting them, or do you mean that where there aren't laws against kidnapping then it is ok?

Perhaps if you were to see the problem less as a power struggle ("upper hand") and find a way to compromise in the best interests of the child.

It isn't easy to avoid being one sided while in the middle of a divorce, but worth it if you manage to avoid the destructive effects this can (and will) have on the child.
I hear you, thats why i think it is good to get mediation after a certain length of time trying - which is where we are now because we talk in parallel universes, communication mechanism broken.

Referring to my first point, kidnapping is always a crime and this charge can be applied by the Hague Convention if a child is wrongfully removed from a country without permission from the other parent. The authorities particularly detest children being removed for the reason of hurting the other parent, or winning over the other and they have their methods to ascertain this.

The exceptions are moral ones in the case that a child is at risk or in danger if they stay in their country of origin, but this still has to be legally proven and the level of justice received can also be influenced by the culture, the lawyer or old fashioned good or bad luck.
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  #108  
Old 05.11.2016, 18:03
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Re: Is my career over?

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Yes, at least that is my experience as a single father.

One needs both.

Tom
Well... There's enough disinterested, crappy, outright awful mothers out there as well with kids that are as messed up as can be. Being with the mother - whether that is a single mom or not - is not necessarily better.

I could give countless examples where the mother broke her kid (psychologically that is).

But anyway, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter the slightest. OP will not be allowed to move wherever she wants and can bitch about "the Swiss" or Swiss law or the father for that matter or really anything else as much as she wants. Doesn't change the situation one bit. So she needs an alternative solution and plenty of options were outlined earlier in the thread.
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  #109  
Old 06.11.2016, 08:11
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Re: Is my career over?

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I´m sorry but I doubt this. Why can fathers not be as good with children as mothers? Are all kids raised by single fathers or gay fathers deprived?

A child can be happy with either. A child that feels there is an ongoing struggle because of her may well notice this and feel unhappy.

Also, too many fathers are deprived of having time with their kids because of divorces etc etc, lack of visiting rights.

PS: before anyone starts "yelling", I am female

Fashion statement. Where did I say that fathers cannot be as good with children as mothers?
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  #110  
Old 06.11.2016, 10:34
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Re: Is my career over?

Morning, Wannagohome.
Please, breathe deeply.

I don't take you as feeling that fathers in general are the lesser parents, nor mothers in general the better ones. And personally, I didn't take Roeger's post as having implied that you did. You said a small child needs access to ist mother. I agree with that. Some fathers (just as Samaire13 posted some mothers) harm their children, but I don't get the impression - as least as much as anyone can guess things on a forum - that you, right now, fear for your child's well-being if access to both parents is continued.

You say that you definitley want your child to have access to the father, that at the moment you and he have joint custody, and the child resides with you.

You also say that the father is fighting you for custody. Why is he doing that?

I ask because it seems odd, to me, as Switzerland is now in a transition towards the state in which joint custody for both parents is becoming the norm.

About residence: at the moment, it is still considered the norm that the child reside with one parent only. However, there is a shift in Swiss law and court agreements and the way KESB does things about this, too, and shared residence ("Obhut", in German) is becoming the norm, too. Which is why there are orders that the parents not live far away from each other.

Therefore, if the child's father (or you) wanted to deviate from those two norms, by either of your claiming sole residence or the stronger sole custody, he (or you) would have to bring very strong reasons why the other parent is not fit to have the child reside with him/her, at least for some of the time, and is not fite to hold custody over his/her own child.
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  #111  
Old 06.11.2016, 10:35
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Re: Is my career over?

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Fashion statement. Where did I say that fathers cannot be as good with children as mothers?
OP, listen. You've found yourself in an awful situation. Of course you can't leave your daughter and visit her only on weekends, that is a cynical/daft idea. Try to find an alternative.

Why don't you give it a rest for the moment - opposing these laws (especially here) will not help you much. What might do, however, is time. Comply with the rules. Let your partner enjoy his rights, make him part of your daughter's life. Show that you have some willingness to make these things work, to create a bond between them.

You never know - if he finds someone else or starts a new family - he might be willing to approve your moving some day, providing you don't cut ties. It's too early to even discuss such an option now. If you're as argumentative with him/during mediation sessions as you appear to be here, I can see why everyone digs in their heels.
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  #112  
Old 06.11.2016, 19:37
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Re: Is my career over?

To everyone that contributed to this thread. I really enjoyed reading all of your comments. I didn't expect to find answers but it did give me the most food for thought crammed into a few days that I have ever had on this topic (my topic). I like to challenge the debate, just as you do and feel really privileged that you have paid me so much attention at such a difficult time. Great boost. Thank you!
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  #113  
Old 06.11.2016, 21:06
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Re: Is my career over?

can you not marry another guy to end the situation?
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  #114  
Old 06.11.2016, 21:08
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Re: Is my career over?

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can you not marry another guy to end the situation?
In what way would that help any of the four people who would then be involved?
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  #115  
Old 06.11.2016, 21:11
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Re: Is my career over?

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can you not marry another guy to end the situation?
How would that end anything? The OP would still need the father's permission to move the child to the UK regardless.

Joint custody is the norm here so being married again won't change the custody situation at all.
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  #116  
Old 06.11.2016, 22:10
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Re: Is my career over?

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How would that end anything? The OP would still need the father's permission to move the child to the UK regardless.

Joint custody is the norm here so being married again won't change the custody situation at all.
I wasn't married to the father of my child, and have not been married yet. Proposed to once. Y'know what I like the idea, maybe I could find a nice Swiss guy within a 30km radius, we can go trekking together, cook fondue, he can fall in love with my cute kid. Sweet dreams!
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  #117  
Old 06.11.2016, 22:32
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Re: Is my career over?

Kia Ora.

I've been watching your thread. You are not alone.

Doing it alone with a 4 year old is tough. As is being in this culture that is so very different when it comes to friendships, trust and bonding, than some of the ones we come from.

Added to that, living in villages of locals who still drink in the same Beiz with people whom they have known since pre-school. And then come the "new comers" whom they have only known for 10 years....

But we manage, because we can.

You're career will take a different path with a child than without. But so does the rest of your life, and not in a bad way. In 1 year your baby will be in Kindergarten, making you look more employable. (Sad, but true. )
This time in 3 year, s/he will be in school, and be quite a different person. And your job opportunities will be different too.

I honestly think that I could not have a part time job like I do, and be home for home-work time like I am, if I were living in New Zealand or England.

Yes, you will find another job, then your enthusiasm will come back, so will your confidence. And then the job will develop with you.
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  #118  
Old 04.02.2019, 18:06
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Re: Is my career over?

Some of you may remember my post in 2016?

I had had a burn out in 2015 from overwork and was in the middle of a separation with a 4 year old in toe.

Since that time I did many of the things that the fine men on EF recommended I should do; commuted to another country to obtain employment, undertook higher education, agreed to reduce my custody from 80% to 50% also relinquishing my ex from paying me 1500 maintenance per month (as per his wish), obtained a new job and a new apartment in Zurich, and took good care of our kid during the available time we had left.

My ex went into his own business (working from home) & released his pension to fund it. In the last 2 years he had more time to be a parent and for a while it was looking good for him. However his business has not taken off and late last year he had a car crash while drunk and lost his licence, sold his car to fund his life, cannot pay the fees for the private school he insisted our child go to, and very soon it will be his rent.

From my experience in this legal custody story so far, I cannot go to a country where the child and I have more support because I will be fined for child kidnapping, the KESB prioritise the July 2014 preference of shared parenting for unmarried parents above the best interests of the child...I can only obtain custody back if he abuses our child. In the mean time I keep treading water at work despite looking 50 in the face and live on the bi-polar roller coaster of the the father of my child asking me for money to live.

Any suggestions at this point?
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  #119  
Old 04.02.2019, 18:39
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Re: Is my career over?

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In the mean time I keep treading water at work despite looking 50 in the face and live on the bi-polar roller coaster of the the father of my child asking me for money to live.

Any suggestions at this point?
Tell him to 'koff.

You picked yourself up. So can he.

Sorry, no helpful advice.

oooh, maybe some advice. Can you now get him to 'go home' so you can escape CH (if that's your plan?)
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  #120  
Old 04.02.2019, 19:10
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Re: Is my career over?

First thing, take your child out of private school if you haven’t already done so!

It’s a huge financial burden for no real benefit for a child of 7 years old.
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