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  #21  
Old 05.01.2011, 21:04
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

You can pick your friends, but not always your relatives. Sigh.....

It's really difficult. Sometimes the only thing you can do is to get away from the toxic relationship as soon as you can and build your own life. It's hard because you try to understand why this stuff happens, but it defies logic.

I think it's almost a form of abuse. And I think sometimes it happens without realization. But it's good that you realize it, and you can break the chain. So you make your own life. It's all you can do.
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Old 05.01.2011, 21:20
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

Yes, relatives. *sigh*
Relatively good, relatively bad.........
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Old 05.01.2011, 22:23
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

Try the following book available from Amazon "Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward and Craig Buck

Made sense and opened my eyes to issues between my Mum and I.

Good luck!
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Old 06.01.2011, 01:14
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

I'm so sorry to read some of these posts, and so very grateful to have had parents who gave me and my siblings endless amounts of love and caring.

And they never expected nor accepted anything back from us. My dad rode the buses till his dying day and would not let me buy him a car.
Miss you dad.....

And I truly hope that those of you who were not as fortunate, are able to experience such unconditional love from your partners or children or siblings or friends.
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Old 06.01.2011, 14:28
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

Nil,

unfortunately this is a totaly common problem between mothers and daughters. The most poisonous relationship in our lives is the one with our parents. Only when you have your own kid you can start the process of stop being a daughter and start being a parent and thats how eventually you will come to understand more about all these.

What its highly recomented is some councelling which will start puting things on the right track and most important in the correct dimentions.

Thats my small contribution to this thread coming out mostly of experience
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Old 06.01.2011, 14:59
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

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My mother believe that respect should come inconditionnally (it is an english word? ) What ever she says to me, what ever she does to me I should be respectful and thankful for her. But honestly, if you believe that you get respect from terrorising and mistreating someone, you go on a wrong road. You'll get hate but no respect.
haa haa sounds familiar - for my mum, respect is expected and not earned. I think thats the majority of the older generation's way of thinking. Respect in my books, is also not arguing back, and simply just letting her rant. I go to my happy place when she does (or multi task quietly in the background with the occasional "yes, you are right")

If I may be so blunt, from that post, I think you are just emotional from this current pregnancy and especially just from the recent visit you made still fresh in your head. By all means, figure out what you want to do - if you think that her being in your life is really no good, then take the plunge and cut the cord. My only piece of advice is not to walk away without being at peace with that decision, whatever it may be - and with that nagging thought at the back of your head in the future: "maybe I should have tried harder".

PS: I think the word you're looking for is "unconditionally".
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Old 06.01.2011, 21:51
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

Dearest Nil, you are the most important person in your life and exclusively the only one who can live it.

There is a little rule in life - that which you give energy only grows stronger - so simply turn your energy to that which nourishes you and taper off that which doesn't and don't worry about it.

You may notice that that which you gave energy before tries to get it back, just simply ignore it. No need to be aggressive, that's giving a form of energy, no need to cut something that in reality isn't there, just turn away.

The reality is that you are the only one who can possibly lead your life, the only one who can determine what you need for your nourishment and well being, so just let that other stuff just drift off into outer space and just come back home to yourself.

Big hug.
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Old 07.01.2011, 23:01
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

Hey,

First I would like to thank everyone who came with good words, stories and experiences. It is great to feel that we are not alone having to deal with such relationships.

I would like to give this piece of information to all of you who did send me pms about their own stories. I did a lot of research and I spoke a lot with my brother as well and I got many more facts and informations who helped me to find some answers in my research.

Those of you who told me stories similars to mine, go on this website and have a look. It is about Narcissistics mothers. It is very interesting and I am sure that many of you will find themself into it.

It is a long reading to do because it is a very very informative website with a lot of descriptions and exemples.

I hope to hear about your opinions on this,

Nil who feels so much better
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Old 07.01.2011, 23:51
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

Lots of good advice on here already but my 2raps worth anyway from a mans perspective.
You can't polish a dog turd, just leave it alone and after a while it won't stink so much!!
Whilst there are no excuses for this behavior there are reasons, trying to find these reasons are not easy but when you do, you can begin by understanding her motivation in these acts. This can be a carthatic experience but it will help you heal yourself.
In searching for reasons some things to look at:
Post natal depression was not recognised in earlier times and was almost actively dismissed. This could have caused a pattern of resentment towards you she has been unable to overcome to this day.
Your relationship with your dad may have caused some jealousy.
Talk to her siblings or friends about what went on when she gave birth and during your formative years.
Other things which may help the current situation, don't talk to her and tell her you are happy to correspond in writing (even snail mail if she cant work email). My wife had to do this with her mum for a while to really break a negative cycle and to get her to recognise her as a grown woman. (as a side issue I had to have a serious talk and breakup with my dad to get him to recognise me as a man). Every family has its dark side sometimes it is not so obvious but your not alone. If she wasn't so hard on you would you be so successful today?
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Old 07.01.2011, 23:59
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

In any abusive relationship, one must ask: why am I in it and what can I do about it? If you feel the abusive relationship has left emotional scars and you need help to overcome the hurt, get it. Chances are this will help you in any future encounters with the abusive person and help you avoid other abusive relationships.

We cannot change the abusive person, we can only change ourselves, and by doing so, have the ability to change the relationship so it no longer stabs the soul.
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Old 08.01.2011, 00:05
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

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In any abusive relationship, one must ask: why am I in it and what can I do about it? If you feel the abusive relationship has left emotional scars and you need help to overcome the hurt, get it. Chances are this will help you in any future encounters with the abusive person and help you avoid other abusive relationships.

We cannot change the abusive person, we can only change ourselves, and by doing so, have the ability to change the relationship so it no longer stabs the soul.
Yes, and in my case to know that something is wrong and what it is called is a big step to understand her behavior. By knowing the mental illness of someone makes you able to let it go on the craziness and it gives you tools to not let the person hurts you any longer.
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Old 08.01.2011, 00:25
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

And by the way, since I spoke to my brother, I feel so much better. To have a confirmation of someone who knows where you are coming from is priceless.

Last night I slept well for the first time in more than a week.
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Old 08.01.2011, 00:30
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

It's hard to recognize mental illness until one has distance from the behavior of the person who's dealing out the shite. We all want our mums to love us, so we put up with shite from them much longer than we would anyone else.

End of the day, we are susceptible to the myth that mums should be our best friends. Some mums are and some mums can be your worst enemy. In a lot of cases it's the unattainable love that keeps us going back for more lashes of the tongue and more slashes to the heart. When they die, you grow up.
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Old 08.01.2011, 00:39
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

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Lots of good advice on here already but my 2raps worth anyway from a mans perspective....
This is a very good post. I'd say, girls when they become moms and have babies re-enter the cycle of needing their mom's support again. Their advice, role modeling, help, chance to copy her, etc. At the same time, it is hormonally difficult time, so we tend to expect help, very specific, and quite often just ignore the fact our parents are sometimes too old or tired to parent us again, sort of speak.

I think you should let go. Don't eat yourself by feeling the grudge, the disappointment. I wouldn't come near to not give her chance, since it seems she just uses it to hurt you. But understanding that she probably feels really bad, for not being needed the way she desires will make it easier to deal with for you. If she has a problem, be near is she needs help. But I wouldn't go out of your way. It seems you need space, and she does too, to realize that you are grown up, you don't need theatrics, emotional blackmail, talking behind your back..They know what buttons to push, really. Some moms just don't let go. It's like alcoholism. If you are near, she will play her game, just like if an alcoholic has her/his booze. I think I would maintain contact, to give her chance to speak if she wants, but write, cards, etc. There are plenty of nice people around to get attached to, to have a nice bond for your kids. Moreover, xmas is a difficult time for some. Your mom might be jealous you are having a nice relationship, you and your man want a good, solid family and are loyal and supportive to eachother, while she hasn't managed to keep her first one and replaced him. Some people feel this as a failure and let their kids-who succeed with their own families- know it. Just like anything you manage to do right might be yet another thing to rub in that she hasn't. You can't please those people. There are moments I tried very hard with some people to establish some decency and civility while I realized more I try, less respect I earn, it just got used to be yet another thing to sneer at. Just move on. You have your life, live here now, it seems you let your mom despite the giant distance still influence your life here. It was just a little reminder why you left.
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Old 08.01.2011, 00:47
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

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First I would like to thank everyone who came with good words, stories and experiences. It is great to feel that we are not alone having to deal with such relationships.
I was asked once with malicious irony if I felt proud to have destroyed a familly (mine), because I am the one who pushed the emergency brake big time. For the first time, I understood that facts have to be straighten up. Like in any abusive relationship, one turn the roles around: the actual victim becomes by transfer his/her own abuser. I was abusing myself putting up with some facts. I could change that and put a stop to this abuse by myself, even if the facts stay. So the question "who actually did what" was really useful. But one must be ready to put off the pink glasses one has when looking at one's mother. The good stays the good, but the bad must be recognized and identified as such. Kompromisslos, sans concession.
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Old 08.01.2011, 10:42
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

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I was asked once with malicious irony if I felt proud to have destroyed a familly (mine), because I am the one who pushed the emergency brake big time. For the first time, I understood that facts have to be straighten up. Like in any abusive relationship, one turn the roles around: the actual victim becomes by transfer his/her own abuser. I was abusing myself putting up with some facts. I could change that and put a stop to this abuse by myself, even if the facts stay. So the question "who actually did what" was really useful. But one must be ready to put off the pink glasses one has when looking at one's mother. The good stays the good, but the bad must be recognized and identified as such. Kompromisslos, sans concession.
I was pretty lucky I believe. Few times in my life, some people close to my parents (friends, family, neightbours) came to me and told me about their concerns and observations from my mother's behavior toward me. The last time was this Christmas.

It feels really good to have someone, from outside being able to see throw this pink wall the mother works so hard to preserve. And when someone tells you that, a big amount of stress and guilt fall down. You know that it isn't you, you know that you are not the bad one because other peoples see it and it gives you enough energy to take the decision you need to take for yourself.

It doesn't throw away the sadness to come to term with something you wish never had. But it help you to understand and react from it. I am very sad to come to term with this, because it is facing the reality of what I will never ever have: a loving mother I can be close to like a friend, a confident. This is what I have to accept and move on.

This is sometimes more difficult to accomplish for a woman because of this very strong connection a daughter has for the mother.

I can't have this, but I will make sure that my daughter gets plenty of it. She will always knows how much I love her and she will be sick of my kisses.
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Old 08.01.2011, 20:40
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

As a child the most important people in your life are your parents. When they fail you it can be as if your very existence is threatened. This is a literal threat as a small child who is abandoned or uncared for will die. If the failure is more emotional and psychological than physical then the threat is just as literal but affects your persona rather than your capacity to live. Small children who are fed but not loved fail to ‘thrive’. To bring a child up without love and a sense of being criticized is more damaging than any other form of abuse. Whilst those who have experienced it know this it is difficult for them to accept. When it has been your fault throughout your life for everything that has gone wrong it is hard to see that it is not. The first big step is to understand that the harm that you live with is someone else’s responsibility. It was not yours.
I left home when aged 15 years. After a time living ‘rough’ I found a friend who was able to help me and we lived together for the next 5 years. I worked in various dead end jobs whilst studying in the evening in colleges. Eventually I managed to get the qualifications that enabled me to go to university. Once there I studied psychology and psychotherapy and set about trying to understand and heal myself in the hope that eventually I would be able to help others.
As time passed my abusive mother and absent father grew older and wiser and the hope for some kind of reparation and reconciliation began to occur. I did what I learnt was the best thing to do which was to seek to resolve the harm and pain I felt with those who had caused it. It took many years but to an extent I managed to achieve this. I also spent many more years studying and practicing and experiencing therapies which step by step took me to where I needed to be. Where my damaged and incapable parents were unable to undo the harm they had caused I needed to accept self responsibility for putting it right. The second big step is to accept that healing the harm you live with is now your responsibility.
If your abuser is unable to change and you cannot change them, leave. The third big step is to accept that there are things you cannot change and that if you have to act decisively to protect yourself and your future (and especially your children), then act. No matter how difficult it is for you to not blame yourself for the difficulty of the situation in which you find yourself (and abusive people all around you will seek to see the worst motivations in what you do and seek to blame you – such sadly is the pattern you have been given) act decisively.
Once you do you will find the people you truly deserve. And this will lead you to the third big step which is to change the pattern. Please be aware that those who like to criticize and abuse will do all they can to try to stop you! I get a very real sense however that the right people are going to be there!
Mehta!
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  #38  
Old 08.01.2011, 20:47
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Re: Toxic relationship between kids and parents

Thanks Basel T,

I was hoping for your input.

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