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  #21  
Old 11.03.2011, 14:24
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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It may well be worse when you are not there but like you say this is an assumption. You also don't know how the children behave when no one else is around. Therein lies a problem, you do not have all sides of the story.

Taking on someone else's children is not an easy job. They have been brought up differently to you own way of doing things and this takes time and patience to change even if your partner is in agreement. There also can be emotional scars left behind from the break up of their family. It is quite usual for kids to play the parent and step parent off against one another. Kids no matter what age often do not tell the whole story and leave out the bits that make themselves look bad. Its not until you drill down and get to the bottom of it that you see the whole picture.

Personally speaking I would advise a family conference. All sit round the table and have an honest and frank discussion about the problems. That would gt everything out in the open and give the groundwork to start sorting through the problems. If he isn't willing to talk about things or admit to any bad behaviour on his part then he is a waste of time.

Does this guy have children of his own? If not than he may not actually know how to treat kids as he's never experienced having them.
This is the weirdness about it all, he has at least one son but we don't know the rest of the story. He has been married three times but has disowned his last wife, his previous wife & son & no-one knows anything about the first... ..no-one in the 2 years of their relationship from my side has ever met anyone on his side or ex's. Not even his mother & father. It is like he left it all behind but he still lives in the same area. Seriously mysterious.
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  #22  
Old 11.03.2011, 14:24
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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A very difficult situation - but only your relative can sort it out - but needs to know you are there for her if she needs you.

Our next door neighbour has 2 children from a former marriage - they are not allowed in his house, as his 'new' wife won't have them (they've been married about 15 years) and his is not 'allowed' to take them out or on holiday.

This is terrible. I would groan at this evil woman. Not at you Odile !
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  #23  
Old 11.03.2011, 14:26
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

I was 4-5 years old when my mom met my step dad. I was quite young so maybe it was easier for him, but in the same time he came in my mom's life when she was fighting with my dad on a daily basis for my custody, etc.

I was a traumatised little girl divided between two selfish adults who used me to hurt each other.

My step dad was the one there for me, day number one. He took care of me, loved me and raised me like his own daughter. Why did he bother? I can only guess that he was trully in love with my mom to accept to jump in that mess.

He was my father figure my whole life and I learned everything a girl learns from her dad, from him.

He took my mother with her kids, the good, the bad and the ugly. He never backed off.

This is what I expect from a man getting involve with a mother. I would never settle for less than what my step-dad did.
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  #24  
Old 11.03.2011, 14:27
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

I think the "Gentleman" in question did not know what he was getting himself into when it comes to having a partner with children.

"Sometimes Theory is not as easily/readily comprehensible as Practice"

Yes, he loves his Partner very much but at the same time does not know how to handle the kids...because he has never really had any attachment to his own kids.

The Guy just needs a helping hand or push in the right direction...and from time to time when he gets off track (which he will), then he will need reminding.
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Old 11.03.2011, 14:29
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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Just don't get it either>
Me either. Would never ever allow a man to make my sons life hell and would not like to think I that made his kids life hell. Luckily that is an area I don't have to worry about. My OH and I make all the decisions together, we may not always agree, but we talk to sort it out and work out the best way. We are different people and have very different ways in most things but where our children are concerned we always manage to sort it out. There have been many difficult times and probably lots more to come as the kids reach those dreadful teenage years
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Old 11.03.2011, 14:41
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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This is the weirdness about it all, he has at least one son but we don't know the rest of the story. He has been married three times but has disowned his last wife, his previous wife & son & no-one knows anything about the first... ..no-one in the 2 years of their relationship from my side has ever met anyone on his side or ex's. Not even his mother & father. It is like he left it all behind but he still lives in the same area. Seriously mysterious.

Defintely some red flags here. How can she get into such a relationship with someone she doesn't even know?

Disclaimer: By the way, we're merely sounding off from the impressions left by your description of the situation. Of course, there are always other sides to stories.
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  #27  
Old 11.03.2011, 14:47
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

Sadly there is nought so blind as don't want to see - but as a friend, close friend, mother, etc - it is excrutiating to watch and say/do nothing- and yet, there is little you can do apart from being there for her, if and when.
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  #28  
Old 11.03.2011, 15:05
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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A family member confided in me the other day that she is having some problems with her Swiss 'boyfriend' ... she is divorced & has 2 teenage daughters from her marriage.

The problems she tells me (& I have been suspicious about it) is the way he treats her children. Everything adds up to jealousy I think, though in the back of my head I find it hard to understand why a partner would be jealous of their partners children, but then, I suppose, it must be something to do with me being a decent guy (?) ...or normal...

Firstly, it's the way he addresses them with out using their names, acting like a very stern father when he isn't even the father. He also is rude to their boyfriends, won't allow them in his car as he says they make it dirty (these are two fashionable teenagers who don't even like mud on their shoes). She is caring, like most teenagers they do take the mick a bit but he refuses to allow her to do things like pick them up in her car from the bus station, buy them things, etc.

Funnily enough he gets on OK with her ex-husband but to be honest he's a bit of a wimp. I forgot to mention that he is quite well-off & not long after meeting they bought a house together (though he put up most of the cash).

The other day I was around the house with my family, I was asked by one of the daughters to unscrew a pickle jar & he did his nut saying (to me) it was 'his' job to do it. Naturally, I burst out laughing at his obsession about being the man of the house & then explained that it is he with a problem as she is actually my God-daughter.

The other day he also stormed off because she went out without him & came back (crying) 2 days later saying he was sorry (I found it funny as he is 49 years old & so arrogant normally).

I have advised her that she should get rid of him (although it may be complicated with the house) when she asked me what she should do. It's simple I said, if he is jealous of your children then he doesn't love you.

Was I right?

(I wondered if it was a too harsh thing to say but I don't like him, don't understand how you can be jealous of children & think he won't change with something like that)
It is bloody difficult to understand that soliloquy, but I choose, ''useless without pictures''.
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  #29  
Old 11.03.2011, 15:09
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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I think your friend should organise a "house meeting" where everyone gets their say and all issues are laid out on the ground. And noone listens to anyone else. And nothing changes.
Fixed that for you - you omitted the Swiss context
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  #30  
Old 11.03.2011, 15:12
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

No joke here - I had problems with a tutor group I had in one school when I was a new teacher. The headmaster gave me quite a large conch shell- so I could use it with them - just like in 'Lord of the Flies'. Whoever has the conch can give his opinion/thoughts- then has to pass it on. Nobody else can talk until they have the conch in their hands. Worked well too in other family conflicts. Perhaps?
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  #31  
Old 11.03.2011, 15:14
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

My flatmate's stepmother "mobbed" him and his brother and sister until they all moved out as soon as possible, now she's convinced the father (a dentist) to no longer pay for their education and they hardly get to see their dad any more. I really don't understand how a father could be so weak and much less a mother, your children are your own flesh and blood...
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  #32  
Old 11.03.2011, 15:19
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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A family member confided in me the other day that she is having some problems with her Swiss 'boyfriend' ... she is divorced & has 2 teenage daughters from her marriage.

The problems she tells me (& I have been suspicious about it) is the way he treats her children. Everything adds up to jealousy I think, though in the back of my head I find it hard to understand why a partner would be jealous of their partners children, but then, I suppose, it must be something to do with me being a decent guy (?) ...or normal...

Firstly, it's the way he addresses them with out using their names, acting like a very stern father when he isn't even the father. He also is rude to their boyfriends, won't allow them in his car as he says they make it dirty (these are two fashionable teenagers who don't even like mud on their shoes). She is caring, like most teenagers they do take the mick a bit but he refuses to allow her to do things like pick them up in her car from the bus station, buy them things, etc.

Funnily enough he gets on OK with her ex-husband but to be honest he's a bit of a wimp. I forgot to mention that he is quite well-off & not long after meeting they bought a house together (though he put up most of the cash).

The other day I was around the house with my family, I was asked by one of the daughters to unscrew a pickle jar & he did his nut saying (to me) it was 'his' job to do it. Naturally, I burst out laughing at his obsession about being the man of the house & then explained that it is he with a problem as she is actually my God-daughter.

The other day he also stormed off because she went out without him & came back (crying) 2 days later saying he was sorry (I found it funny as he is 49 years old & so arrogant normally).

I have advised her that she should get rid of him (although it may be complicated with the house) when she asked me what she should do. It's simple I said, if he is jealous of your children then he doesn't love you.

Was I right?

(I wondered if it was a too harsh thing to say but I don't like him, don't understand how you can be jealous of children & think he won't change with something like that)

Sounds like a control freak..
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  #33  
Old 11.03.2011, 15:34
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

Guy just sounds like a total wanker; self-loving individual. Could be related to his job - he's not an airline pilot or cop by any chance...?
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Old 11.03.2011, 15:44
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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are you in IT or Management yes he should invite them all by sending an outlook/email request!
No thankfully I'm not. Maybe I've just been watching too much Supernanny
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  #35  
Old 11.03.2011, 16:00
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Re: Love is not being jealous of your partners children

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Guy just sounds like a total wanker;
I would second that but ....

I raised to step kids.
It is not easy - they are very able to manipulate parents and as the step parent you are always the whipping boy. You partner is programmed to protected her offspring no matter what .... even when they are spouting crap, spliffed out of there heads, lying through their teeth full of teenage angst etc

Two teenage girls are unlikely to be pleasant to live with. Esp with a new man in the house ( "sexual competition"/ me, me, me is a strange thing in a teenage girls head , trust me)

He also spunked up most of the money for the house. That won't go down well ...
OP, TBH, I think your "relative" should have picked a better partner but , trust me, it's none of your business
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