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  #21  
Old 12.03.2011, 20:04
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

but if you leave he will be stuck doing it all for himself anyway! he sounds like he is feeling a bit sorry for himself and taking it out on you and your kindness, if its so hard to express how you feel and say no to him and it leads to fighting, write him and letter telling him how you feel. i find it so much easier to start saying things that arent easy to communicate by writing and then it also avoids the fighting and immediate reactionary need people feel to be defensive and hurtful.

good luck, its not easy to do it all on your own, and feels even worse when there is no appreciation...you are a generous soul!

and if you need do a lausanne all night pub crawl/dance party- sounds like you deserve it
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  #22  
Old 12.03.2011, 20:27
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

hey.. you must have been living in my life last December... a simple weber B fracture and my DH was a tetraplegic......... I was wheeling him around in NYC and Aspen he couldn't even use the bathroom.. Guys........
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My partner had pretty common knee surgery 4 weeks ago and is healing really well, and is now able to walk without crutches. Since the injury, I have been responsible for everything while working full-time, including packing up, moving, and unpacking. I know the guy is not fully operational and don't ask him to do anything physically strenuous or potentially dangerous to his recovery. The thing is that he thinks that not only must I do everything, I must do it with a smile and expect no thanks. I also must do everything he doesn't feel like doing, because he is 'disabled'. For example, there was a package of his to be mailed, necessitating my waking up early on a Saturday and rushing to the post, and he put everything in the box but claimed he was too disabled to tape it shut. Or he cooks for himself, carries all his full dishes to the table but is too disabled to return them to the kitchen. Or after being away at work for 12 hours, I come home and just want to relax for 30 minutes, he's asking every five minutes for coffee, food, etc. When I communicate my stress and exhaustion, he says that I'm mean and uncaring and that if I don't like helping him, I should leave. Is he right, am I a bad person for feeling like he is taking advantage of the situation? I remember taking care of my dad after he had surgery and I was happy to do so. But then again, he has the Anglo-Saxon stiff upper lip mentality...
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  #23  
Old 12.03.2011, 20:42
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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I blame Swiss mothers! Is he Swiss?
Yes, and I have mentioned it to her

basically I was raised to ask for help only when I absolutely need it, i.e. on the verge of death and he was raised to get other people to do as much for him as possible. Somehow that's worked out nicely for him, thanks to considerate yet spineless people such as myself. I keep forgetting I'm not in Kansas anymore...
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Old 12.03.2011, 20:54
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but if you leave he will be stuck doing it all for himself anyway! he sounds like he is feeling a bit sorry for himself and taking it out on you and your kindness, if its so hard to express how you feel and say no to him and it leads to fighting, write him and letter telling him how you feel. i find it so much easier to start saying things that arent easy to communicate by writing and then it also avoids the fighting and immediate reactionary need people feel to be defensive and hurtful.

good luck, its not easy to do it all on your own, and feels even worse when there is no appreciation...you are a generous soul!

and if you need do a lausanne all night pub crawl/dance party- sounds like you deserve it
It's a good idea to write things down. He even suggested that we put a whiteboard up in the bathroom where we could put our requests. Interesting location, but it could work! I'll have to set a limit on the number of requests per day.
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  #25  
Old 12.03.2011, 21:04
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Dealing with a malingerer

  • "accidentally" leave it where he will see and read it
  • if he asks about it, just wave it off and say "oh, it's nothing"
  • later on, ask him (in your sweetest, most innocent voice) if he's seen the key to the gun cabinet
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Old 12.03.2011, 21:09
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

You poor thing - I suggest you get his Mother to stay and then she can run around looking after her poor little baby...

After looking after Mr S last year my sympathies go to any sort of carer - at least hopefully your partner will be on the mend so the pressure will be off - It must be so hard if there is no hope of a recovery and some people have this for years.......

Get yourself out for some me time - you really deserve it
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  #27  
Old 12.03.2011, 21:10
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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Haha, you can tell him that there's somebody even more lazy that he is ...

me...

Oh believe me, he has a whole list of people he's not as bad as, even though I keep telling him that my deal-breaker list is a little more nuanced than 'not an egomaniac dictator of a developing country'.

And Bertrand, that's no way to sell yourself, telling us potentially single women you're lazy!
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  #28  
Old 12.03.2011, 21:13
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Re: Dealing with a malingerer

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  • "accidentally" leave it where he will see and read it
  • if he asks about it, just wave it off and say "oh, it's nothing"
  • later on, ask him (in your sweetest, most innocent voice) if he's seen the key to the gun cabinet
Yes, I can tell him it's for a reading comprehension exercise for my students!
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Old 12.03.2011, 21:23
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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I blame Swiss mothers! Is he Swiss?
I just picked up myself from the floor abouth the laugh.
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  #30  
Old 12.03.2011, 21:27
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You poor thing - I suggest you get his Mother to stay and then she can run around looking after her poor little baby...

After looking after Mr S last year my sympathies go to any sort of carer - at least hopefully your partner will be on the mend so the pressure will be off - It must be so hard if there is no hope of a recovery and some people have this for years.......

Get yourself out for some me time - you really deserve it
Unfortunately, the whole family has been stricken with ailments. I'm one of the last ones standing, and have even not gone skiing so as to keep it that way.

Of course, for truly debilitating conditions we must pull together and help our loved ones, and it's so important to recognize the incredible stress caregivers face, especially as there are fewer and fewer social programmes to ease the workload.

In fact, my next charitable donation will be going to an agency that provides support in this area. Or better yet, volunteer a few hours a month to give a long-term caregiver some help.
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  #31  
Old 12.03.2011, 21:46
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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if you need do a lausanne all night pub crawl/dance party- sounds like you deserve it
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Tell him you're having a Saturday night out with friends as a break from this and as a bit of a treat -- maybe taking in a few bars (walking between), and maybe ending up doing a bit of dancing.
Now this is a mighty fine idea.... mmmmm....

Don't baby him, you're taking too much care of him me thinks.
Time for a discussion and a few parameters, such as: don't cross this line dude ! ....perhaps ?
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  #32  
Old 12.03.2011, 21:54
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

It does not sound like you don't mind taking care of him, rather feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Is he going through cabin fever? I am not sure how Swiss that is since I know local people who would rather die than act this way...But then I also know a few guys who need to be made feel very very special and important and worshiped, by females especially (gf, wives, moms, colleagues...).

This is not even your home, you are working a lot, need to recharge and feel emotionally invested in, etc. He is not even married to you but acts like 5yrs into marriage. Saying "thanks, honeybunch" never killed anyone. I wouldn't demand gratitude since it backfires, just like demanding sex and emotional investment, would probably make his ego even bigger. Would his selfpity get better if you really really spoiled for another, last day, announced it a night before, then do it heavy duty and then ask him if your big guy is back? How about playing it cool and slipping a few comments about other interested parties, have a few friends call your home, and you saying on the phone "I'd love to go for coffee, absolutely, but my boyfriend is severely incapacitated and I have to wait on him"?
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  #33  
Old 12.03.2011, 22:00
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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It does not sound like you don't mind taking care of him, rather feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Is he going through cabin fever? I am not sure how Swiss that is since I know local people who would rather die than act this way...But then I also know a few guys who need to be made feel very very special and important and worshipped, by females especially (gf, wives, moms...).

This is not even your home, you are working a lot, need to recharge and feel emotionally invested in, etc. He is not even married to you but acts like 5yrs into marriage. I wouldn't demand gratitude since it backfires, just like demanding sex and emotional investment, would probably make his ego even bigger. Would his selfpity get better if you really really spoiled for another, last day, announced it a night before, then do it heavy duty and then ask him if your big guy is back? How about playing it cool and slipping a few comments about other interested parties, have a few friends call your home, and you saying on the phone "I'd love to go for coffee, absolutely, but my boyfriend is severely incapacitated and I have to wait on him"?
Lol you are nasty!!

Last edited by MusicChick; 12.03.2011 at 22:38. Reason: no edit, but clicked on a wrong button, duh...getting tired.
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  #34  
Old 12.03.2011, 22:26
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Now this is a mighty fine idea.... mmmmm....

Don't baby him, you're taking too much care of him me thinks.
Time for a discussion and a few parameters, such as: don't cross this line dude ! ....perhaps ?
Yes, I can be ready in 15 minutes!
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Old 12.03.2011, 22:27
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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Lol you are nasty!!
Oy, I bet he needs his blood pressure a tad higher. All this sitting...
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  #36  
Old 12.03.2011, 22:30
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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And Bertrand, that's no way to sell yourself, telling us potentially single women you're lazy!
Single women, on here ?

interesting

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Old 12.03.2011, 22:38
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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Yes, I can be ready in 15 minutes!
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  #38  
Old 12.03.2011, 22:38
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It does not sound like you don't mind taking care of him, rather feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Is he going through cabin fever? I am not sure how Swiss that is since I know local people who would rather die than act this way...But then I also know a few guys who need to be made feel very very special and important and worshiped, by females especially (gf, wives, moms, colleagues...).

This is not even your home, you are working a lot, need to recharge and feel emotionally invested in, etc. He is not even married to you but acts like 5yrs into marriage. Saying "thanks, honeybunch" never killed anyone. I wouldn't demand gratitude since it backfires, just like demanding sex and emotional investment, would probably make his ego even bigger. Would his selfpity get better if you really really spoiled for another, last day, announced it a night before, then do it heavy duty and then ask him if your big guy is back? How about playing it cool and slipping a few comments about other interested parties, have a few friends call your home, and you saying on the phone "I'd love to go for coffee, absolutely, but my boyfriend is severely incapacitated and I have to wait on him"?
Yeah it's more a personality than Swiss thing. It bugs me that he thinks he doesn't have to thank me because he's injured and it's normal that I help him. Or that he's sorry that I've had to work so hard; he says why should he apologise for something that's not his fault...

I'm not very good at playing games to get what I want, but it's never too late to learn!

<evil laugh>
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  #39  
Old 12.03.2011, 22:46
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

name your time and im all for going out and painting the town red ladies. heheheh.

and if you aint any good at playing games (me neither) there is the i have to go out statement and limited info about who or where can work wonders- like the rear window hitchcock film, imagination and immobility can be his worst enemy (bwah hahahaha)
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Old 12.03.2011, 22:48
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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Yeah it's more a personality than Swiss thing. It bugs me that he thinks he doesn't have to thank me because he's injured and it's normal that I help him. Or that he's sorry that I've had to work so hard; he says why should he apologise for something that's not his fault...

I'm not very good at playing games to get what I want, but it's never too late to learn!

<evil laugh>
No kids to consider? Only you can answer your own questions - bonne chance.
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