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Old 12.03.2011, 14:11
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Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

My partner had pretty common knee surgery 4 weeks ago and is healing really well, and is now able to walk without crutches. Since the injury, I have been responsible for everything while working full-time, including packing up, moving, and unpacking. I know the guy is not fully operational and don't ask him to do anything physically strenuous or potentially dangerous to his recovery. The thing is that he thinks that not only must I do everything, I must do it with a smile and expect no thanks. I also must do everything he doesn't feel like doing, because he is 'disabled'. For example, there was a package of his to be mailed, necessitating my waking up early on a Saturday and rushing to the post, and he put everything in the box but claimed he was too disabled to tape it shut. Or he cooks for himself, carries all his full dishes to the table but is too disabled to return them to the kitchen. Or after being away at work for 12 hours, I come home and just want to relax for 30 minutes, he's asking every five minutes for coffee, food, etc. When I communicate my stress and exhaustion, he says that I'm mean and uncaring and that if I don't like helping him, I should leave. Is he right, am I a bad person for feeling like he is taking advantage of the situation? I remember taking care of my dad after he had surgery and I was happy to do so. But then again, he has the Anglo-Saxon stiff upper lip mentality...
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Old 12.03.2011, 14:18
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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My partner had pretty common knee surgery 4 weeks ago and is healing really well, and is now able to walk without crutches. <...> he's asking every five minutes for coffee, food, etc.
Presumably not fast enough for you to bash him over the head with a tray and run away ? The guy is being spoilt temporarily, and loving it (who wouldn't). Treat him like a spoilt child and do not pander to his extraneous needs. Next time you bring him a tea or a coffee, spill it on his crotch. This will let you know just how fast and just how well he can take care of himself as he dashes to the nearest cold tap. Take a photo for evidence. Sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea/coffee.
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Old 12.03.2011, 14:25
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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My partner had pretty common knee surgery 4 weeks ago and is healing really well, and is now able to walk without crutches. Since the injury, I have been responsible for everything while working full-time, including packing up, moving, and unpacking. I know the guy is not fully operational and don't ask him to do anything physically strenuous or potentially dangerous to his recovery. The thing is that he thinks that not only must I do everything, I must do it with a smile and expect no thanks. I also must do everything he doesn't feel like doing, because he is 'disabled'. For example, there was a package of his to be mailed, necessitating my waking up early on a Saturday and rushing to the post, and he put everything in the box but claimed he was too disabled to tape it shut. Or he cooks for himself, carries all his full dishes to the table but is too disabled to return them to the kitchen. Or after being away at work for 12 hours, I come home and just want to relax for 30 minutes, he's asking every five minutes for coffee, food, etc. When I communicate my stress and exhaustion, he says that I'm mean and uncaring and that if I don't like helping him, I should leave. Is he right, am I a bad person for feeling like he is taking advantage of the situation? I remember taking care of my dad after he had surgery and I was happy to do so. But then again, he has the Anglo-Saxon stiff upper lip mentality...
Sounds to me that the man is out and you have a little boy in your hands...

I would be mad too. And with reason. I am pretty sure he is able to stand and get his own coffee when you are at work, so why he needs you for that when you are home?

Maybe he is right, if you are not happy you can leave and let him in his sissiness! Non Mais! Just make sure he doesn't like it too much to make it the new way of life together!

I am not good at caring for grown up. I had a boyfriend who had also a bad injury and he took months of recovery (while it wasn't that long) I lost my respect for him. I couldn't look at him as being a ''man''. Men in my family don't complain, don't whine and are tough! So this is a real killer for me.

Hubby knows it and he wouldn't take nor risk the chance to push his luck too much. He can always call his mama if he needs to be pampered.

I feel your pain!
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Old 12.03.2011, 14:26
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

Tell him you're having a Saturday night out with friends as a break from this and as a bit of a treat -- maybe taking in a few bars (walking between), and maybe ending up doing a bit of dancing.

Go ahead and plan it, albeit a bit short notice - you'll soon see where you stand -- and where he doesn't, depending on how bad his knee really is, now.

Last edited by TiMow; 12.03.2011 at 15:13. Reason: correction
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Old 12.03.2011, 14:43
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

No sympathy for your man from Mr. Mud., who with a severely broken hand and broken finger on the other hand managed to move Mrs. Mud's luggage up and down many flights of stairs and do all the kitchen prep (shopping, then chopping), and the washing up for 2 months the crazy cast was on (metal lined, tilted back at 60 degrees). Even managed to rebreak it in the process, permanently deformed now, how's that for chivalry ? Tell him to man up, sorry but sounds like he's able and he isn't being very nice to you.
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Old 12.03.2011, 14:51
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Thanks, everyone. I really try to say no to him, but I should try harder.
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Old 12.03.2011, 14:58
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

My husban has ALS and is ugly enough to know the man you deeply love is going to die, but I also need to see him go little by little. I totally understand what you mean and you are NOT the bad one in the situation, because you are taking care of him and yes, he is taking a little bit advantage of the situation but what you need is efective comunication. You mention you have talked to him, but maybe you can try with other words. My hubby is disable to do almost anything with his hands but he can still do some things. I talked to him saying that I know this was comming but I also admire what a strong man he is and when I see him hopeless not trying to help me help him, then how am I supposed to carry on. If it doesnt work just hang on his problem will be finish soon and then when he is fit enough you can ask him to give you a nice massage for all you have done for him I wish all works out for you, Love is beautiful and makes you strong.
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Old 12.03.2011, 15:01
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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Thanks, everyone. I really try to say no to him, but I should try harder.
It's amazing how many people have so much trouble saying a simple 2 letter word.
For me, it's easy to say "no" first, and then sometimes change to "yes" afterwards, (than vice-versa) -- especially with kids, in which situations, it also doesn't exist in my wife's vocabulary, either.
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Old 12.03.2011, 15:03
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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My partner had pretty common knee surgery 4 weeks ago and is healing really well, and is now able to walk without crutches. Since the injury, I have been responsible for everything while working full-time, including packing up, moving, and unpacking. I know the guy is not fully operational and don't ask him to do anything physically strenuous or potentially dangerous to his recovery. The thing is that he thinks that not only must I do everything, I must do it with a smile and expect no thanks. I also must do everything he doesn't feel like doing, because he is 'disabled'. For example, there was a package of his to be mailed, necessitating my waking up early on a Saturday and rushing to the post, and he put everything in the box but claimed he was too disabled to tape it shut. Or he cooks for himself, carries all his full dishes to the table but is too disabled to return them to the kitchen. Or after being away at work for 12 hours, I come home and just want to relax for 30 minutes, he's asking every five minutes for coffee, food, etc. When I communicate my stress and exhaustion, he says that I'm mean and uncaring and that if I don't like helping him, I should leave. Is he right, am I a bad person for feeling like he is taking advantage of the situation? I remember taking care of my dad after he had surgery and I was happy to do so. But then again, he has the Anglo-Saxon stiff upper lip mentality...

The guy is a selfish git who is making you feel guilty so he can enjoy doing nothing.

He is fine to do some stuff. Tell him to shut up and start behaving or else...
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Old 12.03.2011, 15:21
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My husban has ALS and is ugly enough to know the man you deeply love is going to die, but I also need to see him go little by little. I totally understand what you mean and you are NOT the bad one in the situation, because you are taking care of him and yes, he is taking a little bit advantage of the situation but what you need is efective comunication. You mention you have talked to him, but maybe you can try with other words. My hubby is disable to do almost anything with his hands but he can still do some things. I talked to him saying that I know this was comming but I also admire what a strong man he is and when I see him hopeless not trying to help me help him, then how am I supposed to carry on. If it doesnt work just hang on his problem will be finish soon and then when he is fit enough you can ask him to give you a nice massage for all you have done for him I wish all works out for you, Love is beautiful and makes you strong.
Wow, my situation is nothing compared to yours. My respect to you and your husband for the daily battle you face and your grace in handling it.
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Old 12.03.2011, 15:28
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

You have my admiration for not going off on him yet. I'm just past week 4 with a broken leg and manage to fend pretty well for myself, including loading and unloading the dishwasher.

I'd like to say I haven't driven my family nuts asking the to fetch stuff for me or help me shower (very humbling to ask your 9 year old to help you put on your panties), but I have heard otherwise

Please tell your partner you need a bit more self sufficiency on his part. He's been home for 4 weeks now and probably can't wait for you to come home for human contact. Explain you'd like 15 minutes to relax when you walk in the door, tell him you'll take his package Monday at lunch, let him know your in the middle of something and will help him when your done.

Good luck and remember to turn your back when he pushes you too far so he can't see you counting to ten before you hurl his dirty dishes at him
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Old 12.03.2011, 17:53
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

I had surgery at the beginning of February. For three weeks I was basically unable to do anything. I always thanked my wife or children whenever they did anything for me. It's a privilege to have those who love us help us. It is not a right.

You need to get out of doormat mode.
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Old 12.03.2011, 18:29
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

Yes, being sick is not a reason to make other peoples miserable!
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Old 12.03.2011, 18:35
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

He sounds like a true SVPer.
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Old 12.03.2011, 18:37
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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Thanks, everyone. I really try to say no to him, but I should try harder.
I found this course at Migros Kulbschule

How to say NO without feeling guilty
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Old 12.03.2011, 18:52
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

Haha, you can tell him that there's somebody even more lazy that he is ...

me...

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Old 12.03.2011, 19:01
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

I blame Swiss mothers! Is he Swiss?
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Old 12.03.2011, 19:07
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

My husband now advises me when he's suffering from man-flu and that sympathy will fix it And like most men, when he's unwell he loves to be fussed over a little and made feel special. He certainly doesn't revert to a little boy though!
But, he does precisely the same thing for me when I'm not feeling well.

You need to let your partner know that you appreciate he is in pain and are doing all you can to accomodate him, but that you are not his mother, you married a man not a small child and that he needs to put his big boy pants on and start acting appropriately. Being maimed is no excuse!

**coming from someone who has had both knees worked on, was in a cast from ankle to hip for 18 weeks in total and (when I could stand without crutches) still had to do the washing up!
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Old 12.03.2011, 19:10
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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And like most men, when he's unwell he loves to be fussed over a little and made feel special.
Ahem, and like most women too (I hope)

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Old 12.03.2011, 19:24
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Re: Dealing with a temporarily disabled partner

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Ahem, and like most women too (I hope)

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My husband now advises me when he's suffering from man-flu and that sympathy will fix it And like most men, when he's unwell he loves to be fussed over a little and made feel special. He certainly doesn't revert to a little boy though!
But, he does precisely the same thing for me when I'm not feeling well.


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