Is the sad, pathetic excuse for a man really called "She Who Must Always Be Obeyed"

Having had a less than "suitable" dad I would really really recommend from the bottom of my heart, not to pass any judgment on your ex. Your girl is going to be smart enough to figure things out herself. Just comfort her and let her know through actions that you will never leave her, that she is your priority and that everything in the end will be alright. Best wishes!

Thanks for all the kind words of advice and support. I draw on them, and they are truly appreciated.

I guess they re-iterate my own feelings I am tough and we will survive this. I think though, as a man, I am feeling guilty about my toughness, I should be listening, not giving solutions. I should be softer not harder so I can tune in. I should be hearing and not talking. The counsellor advice is spot on. The school have been marvelous (and realised , without being fed too much detail, exactly what had happenned. They too suggest a counselor , so I will follow up on this common advice.)

I have a lot to learn... But this isn't about me really.

Can any Mum explain or shed light on the hold a man can have over someone to break such a bond ?

Sadly, these are words I have heard down the last 10 years , time and time again. Everyone I met has warned me that my daughter would end up with me and end up knowing the truth about her Mum eventually. How true those words have ended up.

BTW if she's worried about her stuff I can send someone to collect her things if you want my other half is nr Newport.

I can possibly bring it over in a couple of weeks when I collect my car. I'm not talking a van full but I could take some of it.

*** Add ***

When I move my stuff over in a van May time or so I can probably take the rest too.

This is really wonderful advice! The only thing I would add is: listen to your daughter. It may be that the first (or second) counsellor that you go to isn't right. It is important that your daughter feels that it is the right person. So, as long as your daughter wants to talk to someone, work on finding the right person. I say "as long as she wants to talk to someone" because it may be the case that she doesn't want it right now. That was the case with me but that might not be the case with her. It all depends on your daughter.

The fact you were there for your daughter speaks volumes about you. You were there for her when she needed you most, she will always remember that. Don't beat yourself up about the other stuff as it sounds like you are doing a great job as a dad. One thing I have learned about being a parent is that I never stop learning how to be a parent.

As for your last question, I have no idea. I can only imagine she has serious self esteem issues to be so controlled by a "man" that she is prepared to lose her daughter.

__________________
“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever… It remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.”
– Aaron Siskind

Sorry to hear that. It's really horrible.

I don't think I can add to the already good suggestions you've got from other members.

Just be there when she will need to speak with you.

My thoughts are with you.

I would say that kids are generally pretty resilient creatures. They need love and stability, which your daughter is now getting, but beyond that they get over the other details pretty quickly. I think regular sessions with a professional that's kept confidential from you will help her sort out some of the apparent contradictions, but overall I think she'll be fine. She knows (or needs to know) that she's now with the parent that's been fighting to see her for over a decade. That should mean a huge amount.

one other thing I just thought of - make sure you tell her how proud you are that she left that situation and found a way out! she has had to deal with things no one should and she is so young, but the fact that she was smart enough to know it was wrong and strong enough to act upon it speaks volumes for the brilliant young person she is becoming.

Thats brilliant caninsui.

Her confidence will be at an all-time low so any words / activities to build it back up will be another step forward in the healing process.

Nothing, no man, absolutely nothing would make me cut the bond with my daughter. I don't know what it takes to do so (in fact what could possibly be more important than your child????) and without knowing the full picture I doubt any of us can I don't buy the "trying to save her daughter from the violent man" thing. If it was me I'd be out of there with my little girl as no child should grow up thinking abuse is normal and should be tolerated and there is no way I'd tolerate it for myself!

I am so, so sorry that your daughter is going through this and I reiterate what has already been posted in so much that she is very lucky to have you as her dad.

Sometimes it's best to not understand people and I would recommend not offering your daughter possible reasons or whys and just strongly reinforce that whatever it is it is not her fault. Kids of this age will tend to blame themselves for everything so she must feel secure in the knowledge that she has done no wrong and this is by far not a normal situation.

Poor little love

I was in a similar situation at age 13, except that I ran away from my mom and her violent loser bf. My dad's was safe but he and my stepmother didn't really want me interfering in their life. So I'd say that your daughter will be just fine, because it seems like you are totally there for her. Counselling is great, I wish someone had sent me at that time, because the break with my mother may have saved my life but it still left issues about how I saw myself as a young woman. But I'm really impressed with how much you care, and that you're asking for help. One good thing my dad did for me was he always tried to make me understand that my mother wasn't intentionally bad, she was just sick as a result of different bad experiences. Not to excuse her behaviour, but just so I wouldn't blame myself or hate her and in turn hate myself.

Anyway, I hope this helped and good luck with everything.

__________________
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

well...i for one can say i have never forgiven any stress, serious stress i had with my dad that started when i was 9, 10 yrs old. and never will.
and being sent away from home by my mother...id never forget that, not in a million years. and hardly id forgive her that. she would have to make major efforts to make this go away....to put it at ease.

anyway: i cant say why a mother would ever do this! and why ffs she fell for such an idiot is beyond my imagination as well. i once saw a very dramatic movie called "lilja 4 ever", where a girl had the same thing happening, as the mother left her back in russia... to live with her new BF in the US. but on this (made up) setting she was at least escaping her poor life in russia. here...i cant see what ever in this world has driven her to that solution...

Im not a mum but im guessing that a man can make a woman with low self esteem believe that she is worthless and she is very lucky to have a man like him, and she should do whatever he tells her otherwise she will end up alone and nobody will like her.

Just a guess (i read cosmo a lot)

There is more truth in that than people care to admit... My daughter says this man was always calling her Mum fat and making fun of her... I believe her to be terribly insecure, and is looking for a way out... The previous boyfriend was 25 years her senior. It seems to be an 'at all costs' search she is going through...

She has known her current boyfriend for 3 months...

I beg to differ. They can be resilient but can also also be very fragile. They play the blame-game in their own minds and this can really affect their mental state.

As Economist says, they need love, stability and re-assurance but you also need to keep a close eye on them.

I've seen kids of your daughter's age, after a divorce, turn from a child with their feet firmly on the ground to one involved with drugs and the wrong crowd very, very quickly.

Although I appreciate this can happen anyway at that age, the divorce (or other major family upset) has definitely been the catalyst in a lot of cases.

What probably helps in this case is that your daughter hasn't been here long enough to mix with the wrong crowds but she definitely needs a mentor or two to help her through this difficult time.

Good luck.

Technically I should send my old man to collect the stuff, strangely by co-incidence he's a social worker and has worked in South Wales recently.

What a horrid situation - you sound like a wonderful father.

Lots of good advice given but what I can add is that several years ago in my husbands family a similar thing happened.
The mother left her two children one ten and the other twelve at the time.
If is is any comfort the girls grew up with their Dad and after help have now grown up to be fine young women.

However, their Mother who I speak to occasionally feels so remorseful and is so guilty of leaving them for their father to bring up and says that she will never forgive herself as the girls are not really that interested in having any sort of relationship with her.

So hang in there - it will be fine..

That's what worries me , that this has destroyed the relationship between Mother and Child. Painfully, for me to fix that, I would have to make efforts to repair the damage, to mend the relationship and I fear with the end result being losing my daughter again if she decides to back... It is against my own selfish interests , to get this matter resolved, and right now, I haven't got the strength of character to step in between and sort it all out, I am just far happier having her with me. Is it selfish ? If the boyfriend goes, my daughter would most likely want to go back, so I slip into easy mode and sit back whilst the Mother continues to destroy what's left of the relationship. I do not sleep easy at night with my conscience and double standards. What is really best for my duaghter is a loving relationship with her Mum, and yet I do nothing to progress this. Admittedly it is too early, and over my dead body whilst she maintains a relationship with her boyfriend, but eventually, one day, I fear losing my daughter again. There is a sick smirk somewhere inside me enjoying the current status quo.