Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Help & tips > Family matters/health  
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:12
NotAllThere's Avatar
Modulo 2
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Baselland
Posts: 15,020
Groaned at 308 Times in 263 Posts
Thanked 23,155 Times in 9,401 Posts
NotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Is the sad, pathetic excuse for a man really called "She Who Must Always Be Obeyed"
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank NotAllThere for this useful post:
  #22  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:14
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Having had a less than "suitable" dad I would really really recommend from the bottom of my heart, not to pass any judgment on your ex. Your girl is going to be smart enough to figure things out herself. Just comfort her and let her know through actions that you will never leave her, that she is your priority and that everything in the end will be alright. Best wishes!
Reply With Quote
The following 5 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #23  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:18
Upthehatters2008's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In the kitchen at parties.
Posts: 4,540
Groaned at 204 Times in 120 Posts
Thanked 6,078 Times in 2,378 Posts
Upthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Thanks for all the kind words of advice and support. I draw on them, and they are truly appreciated.

I guess they re-iterate my own feelings I am tough and we will survive this. I think though, as a man, I am feeling guilty about my toughness, I should be listening, not giving solutions. I should be softer not harder so I can tune in. I should be hearing and not talking. The counsellor advice is spot on. The school have been marvelous (and realised , without being fed too much detail, exactly what had happenned. They too suggest a counselor , so I will follow up on this common advice.)

I have a lot to learn... But this isn't about me really.

Can any Mum explain or shed light on the hold a man can have over someone to break such a bond ?
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank Upthehatters2008 for this useful post:
  #24  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:20
Upthehatters2008's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In the kitchen at parties.
Posts: 4,540
Groaned at 204 Times in 120 Posts
Thanked 6,078 Times in 2,378 Posts
Upthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
Having had a less than "suitable" dad I would really really recommend from the bottom of my heart, not to pass any judgment on your ex. Your girl is going to be smart enough to figure things out herself. Just comfort her and let her know through actions that you will never leave her, that she is your priority and that everything in the end will be alright. Best wishes!

Sadly, these are words I have heard down the last 10 years , time and time again. Everyone I met has warned me that my daughter would end up with me and end up knowing the truth about her Mum eventually. How true those words have ended up.
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank Upthehatters2008 for this useful post:
  #25  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:23
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

BTW if she's worried about her stuff I can send someone to collect her things if you want my other half is nr Newport.

I can possibly bring it over in a couple of weeks when I collect my car. I'm not talking a van full but I could take some of it.

*** Add ***

When I move my stuff over in a van May time or so I can probably take the rest too.

Last edited by Cata1yst; 25.03.2011 at 15:30. Reason: Additional
Reply With Quote
The following 20 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #26  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:24
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Zürich
Posts: 349
Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post
Thanked 456 Times in 196 Posts
Ziger has a reputation beyond reputeZiger has a reputation beyond reputeZiger has a reputation beyond reputeZiger has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
On a side-issue, we've just had our first round of contact with the school psychologist at Adliswil for our similar-aged daughter, and we are quite impressed. The psychologist was a very gentle, peaceful lady, and she really had an impact on our daughter...just having someone to talk to who acknowledges that you find life a bit hard being a foreigner in a foreign place was awesome for her!

Our issues are more adjustment/school related, but I'm sure they could help out a bit with the transition to school if you feel like she needs a bit more help...she focused mostly on some issues that our daughter has with the school situation, how the other kids relate to her, and her thoughts about herself, and the educational side of things.

I wonder if it's actually possible for you to get your hands on some of your daughter's personal belongings ? And I guess ultimately, she is going to need assurance that you will be there for her, rain hail or shine, regardless of how she tests your boundaries or behaves in public, school or whatever...good luck!

I would definitely assume that this excuse for a man is abusive to the mother of your children too - but you can't fight her battle for her - just make lots of plans that involve your daughter's wellbeing, and give her time...

There is a service in zurich called the 'mädchen house' - it's a refuge service for young women who can't live at home - I'm sure your daughter needs to be living with you right now, but they might have counsellors that can talk to her about what she has been through, and perhaps give you some appropriate advice on how to handle things at home.

As for the whole 'what does the future hold' - I think as an adult you can think about those things, but my 11 year old daughter doesn't have a huge concept of what is coming in the future - she's more stressed by the challenges of each day, the start of adolscence, and what is happening around her in the here and now.

Best of luck and sorry to hear that it was the parents-worst-nightmare situation that has given you your daughter...
This is really wonderful advice! The only thing I would add is: listen to your daughter. It may be that the first (or second) counsellor that you go to isn't right. It is important that your daughter feels that it is the right person. So, as long as your daughter wants to talk to someone, work on finding the right person. I say "as long as she wants to talk to someone" because it may be the case that she doesn't want it right now. That was the case with me but that might not be the case with her. It all depends on your daughter.
Reply With Quote
The following 3 users would like to thank Ziger for this useful post:
  #27  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:26
Lou's Avatar
Lou Lou is offline
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Zurich
Posts: 3,778
Groaned at 9 Times in 9 Posts
Thanked 3,227 Times in 1,474 Posts
Lou has a reputation beyond reputeLou has a reputation beyond reputeLou has a reputation beyond reputeLou has a reputation beyond reputeLou has a reputation beyond reputeLou has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

The fact you were there for your daughter speaks volumes about you. You were there for her when she needed you most, she will always remember that. Don't beat yourself up about the other stuff as it sounds like you are doing a great job as a dad. One thing I have learned about being a parent is that I never stop learning how to be a parent.

As for your last question, I have no idea. I can only imagine she has serious self esteem issues to be so controlled by a "man" that she is prepared to lose her daughter.

Quote:
View Post
Thanks for all the kind words of advice and support. I draw on them, and they are truly appreciated.

I guess they re-iterate my own feelings I am tough and we will survive this. I think though, as a man, I am feeling guilty about my toughness, I should be listening, not giving solutions. I should be softer not harder so I can tune in. I should be hearing and not talking. The counsellor advice is spot on. The school have been marvelous (and realised , without being fed too much detail, exactly what had happenned. They too suggest a counselor , so I will follow up on this common advice.)

I have a lot to learn... But this isn't about me really.

Can any Mum explain or shed light on the hold a man can have over someone to break such a bond ?
__________________
“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever… It remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.”
– Aaron Siskind
Reply With Quote
The following 4 users would like to thank Lou for this useful post:
  #28  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:28
Bertrand - Geneva
 
Posts: n/a
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Sorry to hear that. It's really horrible.

I don't think I can add to the already good suggestions you've got from other members.

Just be there when she will need to speak with you.

My thoughts are with you.
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #29  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:33
economisto
 
Posts: n/a
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

I would say that kids are generally pretty resilient creatures. They need love and stability, which your daughter is now getting, but beyond that they get over the other details pretty quickly. I think regular sessions with a professional that's kept confidential from you will help her sort out some of the apparent contradictions, but overall I think she'll be fine. She knows (or needs to know) that she's now with the parent that's been fighting to see her for over a decade. That should mean a huge amount.
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #30  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:39
caninsui's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Posts: 273
Groaned at 6 Times in 5 Posts
Thanked 259 Times in 106 Posts
caninsui has earned the respect of manycaninsui has earned the respect of manycaninsui has earned the respect of many
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

one other thing I just thought of - make sure you tell her how proud you are that she left that situation and found a way out! she has had to deal with things no one should and she is so young, but the fact that she was smart enough to know it was wrong and strong enough to act upon it speaks volumes for the brilliant young person she is becoming.
Reply With Quote
The following 16 users would like to thank caninsui for this useful post:
  #31  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:42
summerrain's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 4,350
Groaned at 4 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 985 Times in 325 Posts
summerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
one other thing I just thought of - make sure you tell her how proud you are that she left that situation and found a way out! she has had to deal with things no one should and she is so young, but the fact that she was smart enough to know it was wrong and strong enough to act upon it speaks volumes for the brilliant young person she is becoming.
Thats brilliant caninsui.

Her confidence will be at an all-time low so any words / activities to build it back up will be another step forward in the healing process.
Reply With Quote
The following 3 users would like to thank summerrain for this useful post:
  #32  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:43
mimi1981's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: London, previously Basel
Posts: 3,773
Groaned at 21 Times in 19 Posts
Thanked 5,792 Times in 2,173 Posts
mimi1981 has a reputation beyond reputemimi1981 has a reputation beyond reputemimi1981 has a reputation beyond reputemimi1981 has a reputation beyond reputemimi1981 has a reputation beyond reputemimi1981 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Nothing, no man, absolutely nothing would make me cut the bond with my daughter. I don't know what it takes to do so (in fact what could possibly be more important than your child????) and without knowing the full picture I doubt any of us can I don't buy the "trying to save her daughter from the violent man" thing. If it was me I'd be out of there with my little girl as no child should grow up thinking abuse is normal and should be tolerated and there is no way I'd tolerate it for myself!

I am so, so sorry that your daughter is going through this and I reiterate what has already been posted in so much that she is very lucky to have you as her dad.

Sometimes it's best to not understand people and I would recommend not offering your daughter possible reasons or whys and just strongly reinforce that whatever it is it is not her fault. Kids of this age will tend to blame themselves for everything so she must feel secure in the knowledge that she has done no wrong and this is by far not a normal situation.

Poor little love
Reply With Quote
The following 7 users would like to thank mimi1981 for this useful post:
  #33  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:48
kslausanne's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lausanne
Posts: 412
Groaned at 39 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 565 Times in 228 Posts
kslausanne has a reputation beyond reputekslausanne has a reputation beyond reputekslausanne has a reputation beyond reputekslausanne has a reputation beyond reputekslausanne has a reputation beyond repute
I was in a similar situation at age 13, except that I ran away from my mom and her violent loser bf. My dad's was safe but he and my stepmother didn't really want me interfering in their life. So I'd say that your daughter will be just fine, because it seems like you are totally there for her. Counselling is great, I wish someone had sent me at that time, because the break with my mother may have saved my life but it still left issues about how I saw myself as a young woman. But I'm really impressed with how much you care, and that you're asking for help. One good thing my dad did for me was he always tried to make me understand that my mother wasn't intentionally bad, she was just sick as a result of different bad experiences. Not to excuse her behaviour, but just so I wouldn't blame myself or hate her and in turn hate myself.

Anyway, I hope this helped and good luck with everything.
__________________
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Reply With Quote
The following 6 users would like to thank kslausanne for this useful post:
  #34  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:48
flow23's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Zürich
Posts: 3,029
Groaned at 91 Times in 69 Posts
Thanked 1,777 Times in 963 Posts
flow23 has a reputation beyond reputeflow23 has a reputation beyond reputeflow23 has a reputation beyond reputeflow23 has a reputation beyond reputeflow23 has a reputation beyond reputeflow23 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

well...i for one can say i have never forgiven any stress, serious stress i had with my dad that started when i was 9, 10 yrs old. and never will.
and being sent away from home by my mother...id never forget that, not in a million years. and hardly id forgive her that. she would have to make major efforts to make this go away....to put it at ease.

anyway: i cant say why a mother would ever do this! and why ffs she fell for such an idiot is beyond my imagination as well. i once saw a very dramatic movie called "lilja 4 ever", where a girl had the same thing happening, as the mother left her back in russia... to live with her new BF in the US. but on this (made up) setting she was at least escaping her poor life in russia. here...i cant see what ever in this world has driven her to that solution...
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank flow23 for this useful post:
  #35  
Old 25.03.2011, 15:58
gata's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Geneva
Posts: 3,905
Groaned at 67 Times in 48 Posts
Thanked 3,649 Times in 1,708 Posts
gata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond reputegata has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
Thanks for all the kind words of advice and support. I draw on them, and they are truly appreciated.

I guess they re-iterate my own feelings I am tough and we will survive this. I think though, as a man, I am feeling guilty about my toughness, I should be listening, not giving solutions. I should be softer not harder so I can tune in. I should be hearing and not talking. The counsellor advice is spot on. The school have been marvelous (and realised , without being fed too much detail, exactly what had happenned. They too suggest a counselor , so I will follow up on this common advice.)

I have a lot to learn... But this isn't about me really.

Can any Mum explain or shed light on the hold a man can have over someone to break such a bond ?
Im not a mum but im guessing that a man can make a woman with low self esteem believe that she is worthless and she is very lucky to have a man like him, and she should do whatever he tells her otherwise she will end up alone and nobody will like her.

Just a guess (i read cosmo a lot)
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank gata for this useful post:
  #36  
Old 25.03.2011, 16:02
Upthehatters2008's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In the kitchen at parties.
Posts: 4,540
Groaned at 204 Times in 120 Posts
Thanked 6,078 Times in 2,378 Posts
Upthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
Im not a mum but im guessing that a man can make a woman with low self esteem believe that she is worthless and she is very lucky to have a man like him, and she should do whatever he tells her otherwise she will end up alone and nobody will like her.

Just a guess (i read cosmo a lot)

There is more truth in that than people care to admit... My daughter says this man was always calling her Mum fat and making fun of her... I believe her to be terribly insecure, and is looking for a way out... The previous boyfriend was 25 years her senior. It seems to be an 'at all costs' search she is going through...

She has known her current boyfriend for 3 months...
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank Upthehatters2008 for this useful post:
  #37  
Old 25.03.2011, 16:02
Tom1234's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Kanton Luzern
Posts: 17,039
Groaned at 649 Times in 502 Posts
Thanked 25,824 Times in 10,409 Posts
Tom1234 has a reputation beyond reputeTom1234 has a reputation beyond reputeTom1234 has a reputation beyond reputeTom1234 has a reputation beyond reputeTom1234 has a reputation beyond reputeTom1234 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
I would say that kids are generally pretty resilient creatures. They need love and stability, which your daughter is now getting, but beyond that they get over the other details pretty quickly. I think regular sessions with a professional that's kept confidential from you will help her sort out some of the apparent contradictions, but overall I think she'll be fine. She knows (or needs to know) that she's now with the parent that's been fighting to see her for over a decade. That should mean a huge amount.
I beg to differ. They can be resilient but can also also be very fragile. They play the blame-game in their own minds and this can really affect their mental state.

As Economist says, they need love, stability and re-assurance but you also need to keep a close eye on them.

I've seen kids of your daughter's age, after a divorce, turn from a child with their feet firmly on the ground to one involved with drugs and the wrong crowd very, very quickly.

Although I appreciate this can happen anyway at that age, the divorce (or other major family upset) has definitely been the catalyst in a lot of cases.

What probably helps in this case is that your daughter hasn't been here long enough to mix with the wrong crowds but she definitely needs a mentor or two to help her through this difficult time.

Good luck.
Reply With Quote
The following 4 users would like to thank Tom1234 for this useful post:
  #38  
Old 25.03.2011, 16:05
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
BTW if she's worried about her stuff I can send someone to collect her things if you want my other half is nr Newport.

I can possibly bring it over in a couple of weeks when I collect my car. I'm not talking a van full but I could take some of it.

*** Add ***

When I move my stuff over in a van May time or so I can probably take the rest too.
Technically I should send my old man to collect the stuff, strangely by co-incidence he's a social worker and has worked in South Wales recently.
Reply With Quote
The following 3 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #39  
Old 25.03.2011, 16:09
smackerjack's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: U.K/VAUD
Posts: 2,248
Groaned at 14 Times in 7 Posts
Thanked 2,695 Times in 1,112 Posts
smackerjack has a reputation beyond reputesmackerjack has a reputation beyond reputesmackerjack has a reputation beyond reputesmackerjack has a reputation beyond reputesmackerjack has a reputation beyond reputesmackerjack has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

What a horrid situation - you sound like a wonderful father.

Lots of good advice given but what I can add is that several years ago in my husbands family a similar thing happened.
The mother left her two children one ten and the other twelve at the time.
If is is any comfort the girls grew up with their Dad and after help have now grown up to be fine young women.

However, their Mother who I speak to occasionally feels so remorseful and is so guilty of leaving them for their father to bring up and says that she will never forgive herself as the girls are not really that interested in having any sort of relationship with her.

So hang in there - it will be fine..
Reply With Quote
The following 3 users would like to thank smackerjack for this useful post:
  #40  
Old 25.03.2011, 16:11
Upthehatters2008's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In the kitchen at parties.
Posts: 4,540
Groaned at 204 Times in 120 Posts
Thanked 6,078 Times in 2,378 Posts
Upthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond reputeUpthehatters2008 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: What makes a Mum give up a daughter ?

Quote:
View Post
What a horrid situation - you sound like a wonderful father.

Lots of good advice given but what I can add is that several years ago in my husbands family a similar thing happened.
The mother left her two children one ten and the other twelve at the time.
If is is any comfort the girls grew up with their Dad and after help have now grown up to be fine young women.

However, their Mother who I speak to occasionally feels so remorseful and is so guilty of leaving them for their father to bring up and says that she will never forgive herself as the girls are not really that interested in having any sort of relationship with her.

So hang in there - it will be fine..

That's what worries me , that this has destroyed the relationship between Mother and Child. Painfully, for me to fix that, I would have to make efforts to repair the damage, to mend the relationship and I fear with the end result being losing my daughter again if she decides to back... It is against my own selfish interests , to get this matter resolved, and right now, I haven't got the strength of character to step in between and sort it all out, I am just far happier having her with me. Is it selfish ? If the boyfriend goes, my daughter would most likely want to go back, so I slip into easy mode and sit back whilst the Mother continues to destroy what's left of the relationship. I do not sleep easy at night with my conscience and double standards. What is really best for my duaghter is a loving relationship with her Mum, and yet I do nothing to progress this. Admittedly it is too early, and over my dead body whilst she maintains a relationship with her boyfriend, but eventually, one day, I fear losing my daughter again. There is a sick smirk somewhere inside me enjoying the current status quo.
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank Upthehatters2008 for this useful post:
Reply




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What makes us look English? Caviarchips General off-topic 77 30.03.2011 21:51
What makes you different? Nil General off-topic 90 25.06.2010 12:18
What makes you look swiss ? bad hare day Daily life 190 07.06.2010 12:28
Does coffee makes you more agreeable? Dervaish General off-topic 6 06.01.2010 15:47
What makes you smile about Switzerland? Guest Daily life 87 11.11.2007 22:29


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 17:45.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0