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  #21  
Old 10.08.2011, 21:33
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Re: living away from home

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I am afraid I do cry sometimes - but I would never let them know this.
Oh, *hug*, why is family so complicated sometimes? Tell them maybe in an oblique sort of not-guilting kind of way sometime as I know I'm kind of oblivious at times...maybe they are just thinking they'd be an imposition if they asked to visit. I wish my parents were still alive as I'd be visiting often. With the nordic grandparents, it's harder to navigate since I never know the boundaries and my directness doesn't translate so well sometimes.

Never assume, ask. I always apologize for my child-like directness, but I never regret it either.
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Old 10.08.2011, 21:35
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Re: living away from home

When my elder daughter was 16 (almost 21 now), she wanted to move out (and not to the city, but further into the boonies!), so I let her. She moved back 5 days later.

Now she's back to living in the boonies (halfway up Vallemaggia), but should return at the end of October (when her job ends).

The other one is vacationing in the US (for the third time this year, with her own money saved from her apprenticeship )

Tom
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  #23  
Old 10.08.2011, 21:43
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Re: living away from home

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"When are you going to move back to Texas Porto? You're moving to Switzerland?!? What!!!!! Don't you live far enough already! You keep moving further and further away! Don't you love us?


I know that oh too well. My beloved parents never take me on a guilt trip: they are all too aware of the economical situations on my home country and they are aware that being far away is at the moment the only way to be happy (money is not happiness, but having a job helps a lot...).

But the rest of the family keeps berating me for being now 30 and still without children, living in a foreign country, "abandoning" them behind, blah blah blah.

I don't know if it's the brute truth of this sceptical woman that puts them off with a simple "I need to get on my own two feet and there is no place for me in this country".

Truth is, instead of trying to change minds (yours or your parents) you need to simply take the situation as it is: they miss you, they wish they could still control you like they did when you were five and if it was up to them, you'd never leave home or grow up. As soon as you accept that, that they "attack" you because they love you, you will listen to their pleas patiently, but you won't have to feel guilty anymore. Parent’s clinginess is just another form of love. Annoying, but love.
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Old 10.08.2011, 22:13
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Re: living away from home

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Parent’s clinginess is just another form of love. Annoying, but love.
Love is patient, love is kind. ... It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (St Paul)

True love is not about guilting others, I think.
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  #25  
Old 10.08.2011, 22:27
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Re: living away from home

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True love is not about guilting others, I think.
I've always held that love is thinking about the other person more than yourself. Are they happy? Are they well? If not, what can I do to make that happen? What happens if your career path makes it impossible for you to live next door to your parents, as they would like? Are you supposed to give up years of study and great opportunities to contribute just so that they can have a daily chat about what they saw on TV?
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  #26  
Old 10.08.2011, 22:31
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Re: living away from home

When this wonderful monster of a house I've always liked, near my parents, came up for sale here- for the price of a 2 up, 2 down in the Midlands- we were tempted, but told our kids it was madness. But they pushed and pushed and said they loved it and would be there all the time, to share it with us, so we went ahead. But circumstances changed for them in many ways- and this has just not happened. And that is hard- because we did this partly for them on their request. But I could never say this- and when the grand-kids are a bit older, I'm sure they will love spending their holidays here, with lots of space and near woods, wildlife, and so on. We will just have to be a bit patient- and hope it will all come right in the end.

Shame mum died just a couple of weeks before we moved, and dad a couple of months later. But time to turn the page now- and remember the good times - and look forward to the good times later.
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  #27  
Old 11.08.2011, 08:48
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Re: living away from home

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Are you supposed to give up years of study and great opportunities to contribute just so that they can have a daily chat about what they saw on TV?
Ah but you see, not everyone knows how to express love in a soft tootsie way, and not all of us can aspire to the true love of a saint. Love in itself doesn't guilt. But the fact that we associate love to the pain of Sensucht makes us do crazy stuff. And sometimes parents come with the "oh, why did you leave me?" to consciously get a little guilt on you so you come and give then a more visual love, to make sure you still remember how much you love them, and make then see that. Love also comes in hand with greed: ît's like Pringles: once you had one, you can't stop...

There are many reasons why family gets all clingy on emigrants: because they truly miss them, because they are dead worried and would prefer to have you close among dangers they know, because they envy your courage to start somewhere far, because they are hurting that you can be happy away from them (who love you so much). Sometimes a little bit of all together.

You can show them you are ok and happy, but they will always worry. To be honest, I got used to it, because it is their nature, and I simply came to accept it's just a way to show they love me.

One of the most difficult things in life is to let go. And some people are worse at it than others... (you are aweful at it, mommy, but I love you anyway!)
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Old 11.08.2011, 09:20
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Re: living away from home

I've not read the whole thread, but have your parents seen the life you have here?

When I first left my home country I got grief from my parents. My father even tried to forbid me from going, but I went anyway. After about a year he came to visit me and saw that at the time I was living my dream life. After seeing the life I had for myself he actually commented to my sister that I'd be stupid to come home!

In the end I did go home for a few years, but then moved over here. My parents still try to guilt trip me into visiting, but realise that I have a better life here than I could ever have at home.
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  #29  
Old 11.08.2011, 09:54
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Re: living away from home

When I was waiting for my work permit for Switzerland in 1981, my mum was furious at me for leaving England. Her biggest gripe was "why do YOU always have to be different and try to get above your station!

Years later when she was enjoying her visits here and seeing her beloved grandchild flying off to Switzerland every summer, as a confident unaccompanied minor, she confessed that she still blushes when she remembers her words.

Acceptance takes time, especially for the first one in the new generation.

Guilt drains your energy but it's a bloody hard thing to overcome at times.
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  #30  
Old 12.08.2011, 11:25
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Re: living away from home

Thank you all for your useful posts it has given me something to think about. As requested I shall provide a bit more info on my situation.

I'm 29 years old from Canada. I came to Switzerland nearly 9 years ago as an aupair and life just sort of took over from there. In that 9 years I've traveled a lot, been home to vist a medium amount (once a year sometimes 1 1/2- 2) and been married and in the middle of divorcing, I've lost a grandmother in Canada and the family went through a lot during 'recession'.

As I said my family including grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles are very close (though with any close family fight toooo much) Everyone in Canada lives within an hours drive from each other.....then there is me and ONLY me. My mother is a mom in every sense of the word. All she ever desired for her life was to have children and she dedicated herself completely to us, sports, school volunteering the whole nine yards.

They are also strong in their Christian beliefs and I fear this might be where most of the conflict begins. I know she wants me to be happy and that she is proud of the things I've done but is desperate to get me home and being the homebody finds my way of living difficult to comprehend. I guess it's just a matter of not expressing herself very well. She doesn't focus on the good things such as...when we do see each other it's great, no fighting, no nitpicking etc. They have only been to visit once partly due to recession and money and partly due to laziness. Also when these topics arise because of the background I think I may be quick to get on the defense and not make her feel like I care. I just feel so guilty all the time and when she gets upset it hurts me and perhaps I also don't react appropriately for a hurting mother....even if I'm often offended. Back to the Christian part I think for her she feels like I'm 'losing my religion' because of being away from my family instead of allowing me to grow up and make decisions as an adult on my own freewill. Another thought on that is that I left the country so young maybe it's hard for them to realize i'm adult as they haven't been totally able to see me grow into one.

So I now intend to write my mother a heartfelt letter trying to explain my point without us both getting our hair up as happens when speaking. Maybe letter communication is best for the moment. dunno but worth a try. I'll keep ya posted on how it goes.

Thanks again from you all mothers and children alike I've taken it all on board and hope to make my mom more comfortable therefore making our relationship on ease again.

xxx
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  #31  
Old 12.08.2011, 11:39
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Re: living away from home

Thanks for sharing and best of luck with this. A good relationship with one's family is really good. But don't let it slide the other way. If they don't change thier ways, you must protect yourself.

I hope it all works out well for you.
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  #32  
Old 12.08.2011, 11:43
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Re: living away from home

Well, dear Coralee, money and religious are two things that can get a little thorn on the lion's paw into a rampaging infection. It can turn loving people into insane bastards.

Having dealt with both destryoing part of my family, I can only tell you that loving patience is the most important thing. It's not easy, but you have to stay afloat. If you let yourself get grabbed by them, you are going to sink. You won't be able to change the situation on your own: this is human relatioships, which means you can only control 50% of its outcome.

I can't promise you a "they lived happily ever after" ending, but hang in there! Remember why you love them and why you love being here!

(I suddenly feel like I just spit a new self-help book eeeeeeeek!)
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