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  #61  
Old 21.09.2011, 10:09
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Re: Smoking and kids

Personally, I would get rid of her. I'm biased, though, as the smell of cigarettes makes me gag.

However, I do agree with the suggestion that when you approach the caregiver/organization, you state as a simple fact that you do not want someone who smokes at all and leave it at that (don't get into a rant). Smoking is so imbedded into the way of life here that many people are simply unable to comprehend why someone would not like it. So, a rant will likely just be ignored, or they will get offended and defensive.

You are paying for a service, so your wishes are important. It's not like the person serving you at a cafe will question you if you order your hot chocolate without cream on top. Well, maybe if you go on a 10-minute rant about the evils of cream.
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Old 21.09.2011, 10:21
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Re: Smoking and kids

This issue isn't about if your child is going to smoke later. It's about how confortable he feels in his day care situation NOW.

Ask your child how he feels. If smoking disgusts him so much, find a new Tagesmutter. There's no use keeping him in an uncomfortable environment. If he really like the woman and situation otherwise, weigh the pros and cons and make the decision yourself.

I hated being around people smoking cigarettes when I was a child. It made me feel uncomfortable and dirty. I would have been extremely pissed at my mother for putting me in such an environment.

I really think your child's opinion should be included in making any decisions.
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  #63  
Old 21.09.2011, 10:34
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Re: Smoking and kids

I agree with you a bit, I too would be annoyed, but you need her.

Why not change the contracted notice period of resignation to one week, and look for another person. She is not subjecting him to the smoke, and he doesn't like her smoking. Just leave it like that: if she asks why the short notice period tell her it is because she smokes.
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  #64  
Old 21.09.2011, 10:49
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Re: Smoking and kids

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Ask your child how he feels. If smoking disgusts him so much, find a new Tagesmutter. There's no use keeping him in an uncomfortable environment.
You're absolutely right - and in fact that's exactly what I did yesterday evening. He said he doesn't like it when she smokes. He doesn't want her to and he feels bad because she does it and he can't tell her not to (because he's only 7 and she's in charge). He also feels, well, what he said was difficult to understand but my interpretation is that it gives him a kind of guilty feeling, because it's something that we have told him is "not good" and there she is doing it. I do not want to put him in that situation at all. And actually I feel pretty awful myself about having done that albeit unknowingly. So, given what he has said, added to the fact we're not happy about it anyway, then we feel that we can only cancel the contract and that no compromise can be made.

My husband is going to talk to the TEV today - because he's much better at the straight-talking than me! (I would be liable to ranting and possibly even crying - because I do feel so unhappy about it .) Unfortunately though it now leaves us in a desperate situation with childcare as there are basically no available places anywhere - we waited 6 months to find this woman - which is perhaps why the TEV was willing to overlook our requirements to find us "anything at all". So now I have to face going back to my employer and grovelling (again).
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Old 21.09.2011, 10:59
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Re: Smoking and kids

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There are many things I thought were disgusting at 7yo (and even at 12yo) which I said I'd never do - and yet I do.


Sure- as do I, because if someone wants to do something later in life, they will do it- regardless of whether they thought it was ''cool'' or ''disgusting'' at an earlier age.


What I meant by my previous comment is that she has actually given him a terrible impression of smoking; he said it smells, and the picture scared him. So it might not stop him later in life, but it's a good start: showing him what not to do can also be effective.


I don't know, I never looked at my nanny and thought, ''Wow, I want to sew and collect weird porcelain figurines in my spare time, just like her!'' I don't think smoking is that different...we can all make excuses about our vices--''it was because of my father, it was because of my nanny, etc'' but please, it was all our choice in the end.

People won't take responsibility anymore if all they hear is that ''children are so impressionable''---it gives them the excuse to look back at their own childhood and justify anything ''bad'' they do or did. I think the most important thing is that your son isn't inhaling second hand smoke (make sure she absolutely closes the door when she smokes), and knows the effects of smoking, but for God's sakes, you can't shelter him from seeing someone smoking on the balcony !
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  #66  
Old 23.09.2011, 21:11
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Re: Smoking and kids

I don't want to drag this whole topic open again but just thought those of you interested might like to hear the conclusion of the story....

Tageselternverein did not know that Tagesmutter was a smoker at all. In fact it's something they insist is declared - at all - even if you smoke in your own time when there are no kids there you are supposed to declare it. They were actually very shocked and apologetic. So, there was me thinking that they might not care whereas in fact it looks very much like the Tagesmutter lied to them too. So there's another lesson for me - never assume what someone else thinks/knows - always ask

Anyway, she is no more our TM, she may not be allowed to be a TM at all after this - due to the lying part. I did actually stick up for her at that point because I don't think she's a bad person - I think she's probably just been stupid rather than deliberately deceitful - at least I'd like to think so anyway.

So, right now we're stuck with no childcare but it's only 1 week til the school holidays so we'll manage next week ourselves and then have we have 2 weeks of holiday camp in which to fix something up.
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