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  #61  
Old 21.10.2011, 12:11
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

Mimivin, I have the impression that you are trying to gather support to make the decisions your intuition is already telling you to make. Trust that intuition.

You and your child deserve to be loved, treated respectfully, valued in decision-making, and cherished in your daily life. This is something you and your partner can work towards with a counsellor. If he is not willing, then imagine your what your future will look like, if things are already going downhill.

If not for you, then for your child(ren). Anything less is not enough.
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Old 21.10.2011, 15:35
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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Thank you! You are absolutely right asuming what he will say if I show him the forum replies. I have noted him on that before as well. And actually, not even once. As I said he is trying to convince me it's perfectly normal. Funny, his latest explanation, is this is his culture and he is not changing his culture, just because I don't know how to interpret it )).
Only you know what is acceptable for you. Nothing cultural will make things palatable if they aren't for you. Your hb is scoring no points if he cannot simply apologize and choose respectful language and vocab that you are ok with.

Seems to me it's about showing who's got the upper hand and power, and the fact certain cultures or just individuals have troubles simply saying they have made a mistake, apologizing, adapting and moving on. He knows you are not from here, he knows what is important, just looks like he is not taking it in. The fact he grew up throwing names at his family or treating close people with disrespect shouldn't mean under any condition you are obliged to accept it.

Looks like it might be you to start making changes, though, just in case there are other things that lie beneath, not just him being flat out disrespectful to you and your child. Swiss counseling might not be at your side at all, if you decide to a mediator or other help, go for one you have references for, irrespective of nationality. Just make sure that person speaks your language so you are comfortable.

(That said, when I lived in the UK as a teen I always loved when my friend smiled at me, corrected me at something and nicely said "you silly cow, you" but the setting was different and should I mind she would definitely quit, since we were respecting each other's culture norms.I never ever heard her saying that to her mom. My local friends here are respectful, too.)
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  #63  
Old 21.10.2011, 16:00
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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Swiss counseling might not be at your side at all, if you decide to a mediator or other help, go for one you have references for, irrespective of nationality. Just make sure that person speaks your language so you are comfortable.
Sorry but it seems to me that you are insinuating that the OP will be at a disadvantage when it comes to counselling due to her language skills. Isnt counselling is supposed to be unbiased regardless of nationality/language?

The OP is from Bulgaria - she'll be hard pressed to find a Bulgarian counsellor based in Zurich. And I bet her husband wont be super keen with that choice. Language wise, most counsellors are fluent in English - if thats a fair platform for both parties. Regardless - its bit of a stretch to make such a statement, "scaring" the OP that Swiss counselling might not be on her side.
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  #64  
Old 21.10.2011, 16:10
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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Sorry but it seems to me that you are insinuating that the OP will be at a disadvantage when it comes to counselling due to her language skills. Isnt counselling is supposed to be unbiased regardless of nationality/language?

The OP is from Bulgaria - she'll be hard pressed a Bulgarian counsellor. Language wise, most counsellors are fluent in English - if thats a fair platform for both parties.
Nope, I didn't insinuate that at all, actually. I wouldn't pick a local counselor, I would pick a good one no matter where the person is from, with a language skills I need (should that be a local professional one with English, then English, and no, not all are comfortable offering service in English, actually). That's what I insinuated, no matter if the professional is local or not.

Counseling for sure is supposed to be unbiased, but I also know that cultural norms can go far, for some.

My point was, should OP need somebody, go for personal references. Simples. Just like with teachers or any other services.
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  #65  
Old 21.10.2011, 16:22
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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Counseling for sure is supposed to be unbiased, but I also know that cultural norms can go far, for some.

My point was, should OP need somebody, go for personal references. Simples. Just like with teachers or any other services.
The last point is a given. Maybe I is being fick but you might wish to expound on that point because I certainly dont see what you mean by "cultural norms can go far, for some" - regardless of country, language, culture, counselling is supposed to be unbiased, period.
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Old 21.10.2011, 16:30
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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The last point is a given. Maybe I is being fick but you might wish to expound on that point because I certainly dont see what you mean by "cultural norms can go far, for some" - regardless of country, language, culture, counselling is supposed to be unbiased, period.
Of course it is supposed to. But it does not sometimes happen. It's like saying go to who ever you pick should you need a pediatrician, but I can personally tell you 2 to avoid in my area, since they haven't proven their worth big times and we are still licking wounds. I wouldn't limit myself to a local counselor specifically, as you seemed to post, but go to a good one, irrespective of nationality. There are many, not all are good. That's all. Should you have a pointer and OP need for it, I am sure she will appreciate..
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  #67  
Old 21.10.2011, 16:45
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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Of course it is supposed to. But it does not sometimes happen. It's like saying go to who ever you pick should you need a pediatrician, but I can personally tell you 2 to avoid in my area, since they haven't proven their worth big times and we are still licking wounds. I wouldn't limit myself to a local counselor specifically, as you seemed to post, but go to a good one, irrespective of nationality. There are many, not all are good. That's all. Should you have a pointer and OP need for it, I am sure she will appreciate..
Then maybe I should have been more specific and obvious in my post but its common sense that picking a good counsellor is given, no?

A good Swiss one will show that pig that its not the Swiss way to speak like that, and to stop hiding behind that pathetic lame ass excuse.
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  #68  
Old 21.10.2011, 16:53
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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  #69  
Old 21.10.2011, 16:58
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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Then maybe I should have been more specific and obvious in my post but its common sense that picking a good counsellor is given, no?

A good Swiss one will show that pig that its not the Swiss way to speak like that, and to stop hiding behind that pathetic lame ass excuse.
Mais, oui, sure thing, I don't think we disagreed.

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Old 21.10.2011, 22:55
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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Hello there!

I am a foreigner married to a Swiss guy. We have a small child. We don't live in Switzerland but in a third country.
I would like to ask those of you foreigners married to Swiss men, what language is considered "appropriate"? My husband uses very ugli words when we fight or even when we don't fight also to address our child, which in my country are considered absolutely NO to use to someone who is your family - i.e. dumi cuh, idiot, dum (to the child), hura, schisstrek, and in english: you have no brain, you are soo stupit, etc. Then he tries to explain to me that this is actually a normal way of communication in Switzerland (the German part). Is this true? Is this s normal swiss roughness or is just my "lovely" husband?
If I would be in your shoes and would be called dummi chue ,idiot etc etc ,he wold have to sleep in the bath tub ,cook his own meals etc.He calls his /your kid`s what you describes here ,then he is a child abusers in the worst way .Believe me I have being beaten and verbal abused ,the beating i got over it the verbal abuse I still do remember
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Old 22.10.2011, 01:26
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

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If I would be in your shoes and would be called dummi chue ,idiot etc etc ,he wold have to sleep in the bath tub ,cook his own meals etc.He calls his /your kid`s what you describes here ,then he is a child abusers in the worst way .Believe me I have being beaten and verbal abused ,the beating i got over it the verbal abuse I still do remember

Sticks and stones, eh? An old proverb but so not true.

The sad truth is that verbal abuse causes long-term harm to children. These invisible scars heal the longest and run deepest. There are a lot of studies which confirm this, for example here.
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Old 22.10.2011, 09:58
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Re: How much "bad language" is OK for swiss?

I have just come out of a 25 year marriage with a verbally and controlling husband. I thought it was normal. It is not normal!!! NEVER EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE AFFECTS OF ABUSE - whatever form it comes in.

I have three children who were brought up in the situation you are describing. Two of them suffer with really bad self esteem issues and now have their own problems to deal with. My youngest has retreated into him. The elder two are both on anti-depressants, one has a gambling problem and the other used to self-harm. And it all started with them constantly being told they were 'dumb'.

A great book to help you understand the affects you are describing on yourself and your children is called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She also does a book for young children/young adults.

I would say, go with your 'gut instinct', very often our bodies know the answers, and if you don't feel 'right' when he says these things in whatever language - then it isn't right!

I wish I had had the knowledge, insight and bravery to take my children away all those years ago. Interestingly after two years of extensive therapy, his bad behaviour has come from his parents - its a vicious circle, but YOU can stop it.

Good luck and please remember you are not alone
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