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  #181  
Old 14.11.2012, 09:22
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Re: How much is too much?

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  #182  
Old 14.11.2012, 11:38
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Re: How much is too much?

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At what stage are you going to mention your needs?

Frankly, he sounds like an immature t*sser who needs to get his act together and start acting with his head and his heart and not his p*nis.

If I was being cynical I would suggest that he is already playing away and this is just the culmination of his desire for more experimentation. After the threesome will come the wife swapping, closely followed by laying more guilt on you to accede to his demands.

Now, either you are happy with this or you are not. NO PERSON is worth compromising your self-worth over. NO ONE. It is better to be single than to be looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering how you ended up on this path of self-loathing.
Thanks for your perpective, Tuborg.
He says he wants to consider my needs, too. (After dealing with his) I said I want to do partner dance, and he says he could do it, but he's not interested / has no time. So I suggested I look for a dance partner to live out my desire to connect with a man in rythmn and music. He didn't like that I looked on dance parnter search forums. "Why do you need to resort to partner searches, when we're just talking about it?"

I also want to feel that he finds me sexy, but "our relationship is beyond physical attraction. Our relationship is about love and family and partnership. I should not define myself based on his sexuality"

But of course it's not about his sexuality. As you say, my self worth and values were there long before he was. I don't know if I could respect myself or him anymore.

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About " "convincing an acquaintance" or "a single mother who also has needs, but wants no ties" " sounds like a fantasy.
I had several occasions where my girlfriend invited another lady friend for dinner & after a good meal & too much wine we (unplanned & spontaneous) retired to bed.
I mean it was basically OK but I am not sure I would want to take such an unplanned approach another time.
Firstly I would drink less wine.
Secondly I would imagine it works better when the ladies do not know each other; when they do then there are some inhibitions like "you want me to do what?!"
Also afterwards when not strangers you get the usual girl friends questions like;
You spent more time with her
Was it better with her
etc., etc. ......
An interesting perspective from someone with experience. I have similar experience where the other parties fell in love with me and the (ex) husband got jealous of this, forbade me, but carried on his sexual escapades. I couldn't deal with the hypocracy.
I thought this relationship was different because we discussed it in depth; ffs he supported me through my divorce .

His problem is he knows no other women or sex aside from me.
From this perspective we can say we know it's complicated and can only end up in heartbreak. He wants to be able to make these "mistakes" now too.

All well and good, but his choice was to wait for marriage, so why should I bare the consequences of his naivity?

But I fear, no matter which decision I take, it's going to result in heartbreak.
I refuse = Husband is bitter and refuses to have kids with me ("I can go have them with someone else"). I'm not getting any younger and what man wants a woman with a kid? There's always artificial incemination or a "baby making" fling, I guess
I permit = I am bitter and hate myself and he agrees to have more kids, or not because I'm bitter and have trouble finding him attractive as a potential father anymore.

Sigh. Maybe I should become a nun.

Thanks for letting me rant.

FF
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  #183  
Old 14.11.2012, 11:41
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Re: How much is too much?

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Sorry, that went over my head a bit

Perhaps I won't google it here at work...
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  #184  
Old 14.11.2012, 16:16
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Re: How much is too much?

Your body belongs to you, and so does your dignity...and there are plenty of other men out there who will respect and appreciate that. No, his naivity is not your bill to pay.

Single parents are just as "marketable" as singles without children, it just requires caution and careful vetting.

Last edited by litespeed; 14.11.2012 at 16:16. Reason: made it PC
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Old 15.11.2012, 21:38
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Re: How much is too much?

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Your body belongs to you, and so does your dignity...and there are plenty of other men out there who will respect and appreciate that. No, his naivity is not your bill to pay.

Single parents are just as "marketable" as singles without children, it just requires caution and careful vetting.
Thanks for your perspective Litespeed.

OH and I have some more serious talking and soul searching to do.

Thanks again everyone.

FF
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  #186  
Old 15.11.2012, 22:53
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Re: How much is too much?

I have just read through your posts with such sadness. To me it seems that he wants everything he wants and your needs are not being met.

It is obvious that you are uncomfortable with his desire to fulfil whatever he wants to do, so you must ask yourself, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this sort of relationship?

Life is short- it seems that your self esteem is at a real low and he is playing with your emotions especially since you quote that he helped you get over your divorce, he is using his position like a bully and now it's your turn to do what he wants

Emotional blackmail is not nice - you deserve better - there are loads of decent guys around - he seems like he doesn't give a damn about you - sorry to be so blunt
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Old 20.11.2012, 10:24
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Re: How much is too much?

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I have just read through your posts with such sadness. To me it seems that he wants everything he wants and your needs are not being met.

It is obvious that you are uncomfortable with his desire to fulfil whatever he wants to do, so you must ask yourself, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this sort of relationship?

Life is short- it seems that your self esteem is at a real low and he is playing with your emotions especially since you quote that he helped you get over your divorce, he is using his position like a bully and now it's your turn to do what he wants

Emotional blackmail is not nice - you deserve better - there are loads of decent guys around - he seems like he doesn't give a damn about you - sorry to be so blunt
Thanks smackerjack, your words are kind and encouraging.

I don't feel like my self esteem is low - I've learned that it's just not worth it to take the sh!t on to my shoulders. He is the way he is and I have the option to bail, if I can't live with it. I just feel jaded and sad; it would just be nice to have a relationship without the emotional stress. I thought I had got myself a good one this time.

What will be will be. I'd like it to work out between us, but if it doesn't, it doesn't. I will survive! Wouldn't be the first time I have managed it.

FF
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