Go Back   English Forum Switzerland > Help & tips > Family matters/health  
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:24
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: -
Posts: 1,640
Groaned at 26 Times in 22 Posts
Thanked 2,932 Times in 1,202 Posts
Russkov has a reputation beyond reputeRusskov has a reputation beyond reputeRusskov has a reputation beyond reputeRusskov has a reputation beyond reputeRusskov has a reputation beyond reputeRusskov has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

(Deleted to respect the OP's wishes.)

Last edited by Russkov; 21.11.2011 at 14:25. Reason: ps. I'd really like to leave the "Is marriage valuable question" to another thread..."
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank Russkov for this useful post:
  #22  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:26
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
Often on here I see threads about divorce or relationship break-down. It scares me a bit to be honest. I'd like to know how others have protected their marriage/relationships through transitions or difficult times - what do you do to brace against the storm?
There isn't much you can do to 'protect' your relationship - what is already there or isn't there determines its solidity. BOTH of you can only decide every so often to keep going and keep negotiating the points you don't agree on. Not many relationships are completely harmonious - those are the extremely lucky and blessed ones.

You and your partner think in completely different ways (think of your differing upbringing and life experience thus far). Always remember that there is no 'right' way -only your way or his way, or another way. Work towards each other's happiness - different things make you and him happy. Above all, be kind to each other.
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #23  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:28
bluecat74's Avatar
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Glarnerland
Posts: 196
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 258 Times in 111 Posts
bluecat74 has earned the respect of manybluecat74 has earned the respect of manybluecat74 has earned the respect of many
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

I am not married yet but can't wait to be.

My parents have been married now 40 years, and it is awesome to see.

The key to weathering the storm is being open and communicating with your other half, trusting them 100%, understanding them and what they really mean (which is super important especially where both come from different upbringings and countries), respecting one another, loving each other (especially if the other half snores super loudly through the night ), not being afraid to hug or kiss or to be physical with each other and to love and be happy with yourself, as if you don't love yourself how can you expect your partner to.

I think also in this day and age, for some people at the first sign of trouble they jump ship, instead of working through the problem which makes them both stronger people.

I love being a smitten kitten and being in love
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank bluecat74 for this useful post:
  #24  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:30
summerrain's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 4,350
Groaned at 4 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 985 Times in 325 Posts
summerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
and am really most interested in the protection factor.
Communicate. A simple checking in with each other all the time: "how you doing hunny? whats up?" or a simple "I love you" goes a long way.

Communication: Dont be a woman and say "nothing" when something is bothering you and punish the man silently. Dont be a man and say: "nothing" just because its not ingrained in your DNA to talk about things, internalise and fume silently.

Compromise: There are bound to be things where you both agree to disagree or find a common ground where both parties have to give and take a little.
Reply With Quote
The following 5 users would like to thank summerrain for this useful post:
  #25  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:33
Helm's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Zürich<->St.Gallen
Posts: 2,209
Groaned at 13 Times in 13 Posts
Thanked 4,136 Times in 1,371 Posts
Helm has a reputation beyond reputeHelm has a reputation beyond reputeHelm has a reputation beyond reputeHelm has a reputation beyond reputeHelm has a reputation beyond reputeHelm has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
..what a bunch of nonsense. I don't understand how marriage has anything to do with compromise. If your compromise already starts with what's on the table, then I'm afraid you have chosen the wrong person. If I'm with somebody, I except her to enhance my life...just the way she can expect me to enhance hers. I wouldn't want to discuss petty things such as sauerkraut and octopus. Also, do a little experiement and step into a grocery store and observe people. The married ones have that beat down, depressed look...they were once in love 20 years ago...now, the kid is annoying, they don't get along, they don't look like 20 anymore...except the minivan, because it is actually 20 years old...and all in all are miserable. There, there I said it...
I'm sorry, but that's a bunch of crap. Marriage, as any relationship, is about compromise. And everything in a day to day life has influence in that relationship. This includes dietary requirements. And difference in food tastes actually enrich a relationship, they don't make the life less "enhanced". Discussing petty things as food, cleaning, taxes, doctors and the weather comes along with sharing your life with someone. If you think the only topics you are going to discuss with your OH is intelectual discussions about Dostoievsky take on punishment, the crisis of the Middle East and the latest sex tantra, then no wonder you have problems with marriage.

And the crap about the supermarket is pretty much nonsense too. For a start, people are probably depressed in the supermarket because a lot of people hate shopping. But I can give you enough examples around me where people had happy marriages for 20 years, my grandparents included who where happily married for 57 years. Was there fights? Sure. Was there bad moments? Sure. But the compromises they made with each other made them forget the stupid things and focus on the fact they still loved each other.
__________________

Fighting for Pluto's liberation from the Dwarf League since 2006 @(°.°)=@)x.X)' ' '
Reply With Quote
The following 8 users would like to thank Helm for this useful post:
  #26  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:39
lost_inbroad's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Town or region
Posts: 11,491
Groaned at 655 Times in 417 Posts
Thanked 16,388 Times in 6,379 Posts
lost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
I'm sorry, but that's a bunch of crap. Marriage, as any relationship, is about compromise. And everything in a day to day life has influence in that relationship. This includes dietary requirements. And difference in food tastes actually enrich a relationship, they don't make the life less "enhanced". Discussing petty things as food, cleaning, taxes, doctors and the weather comes along with sharing your life with someone. If you think the only topics you are going to discuss with your OH is intelectual discussions about Dostoievsky take on punishment, the crisis of the Middle East and the latest sex tantra, then no wonder you have problems with marriage.

And the crap about the supermarket is pretty much nonsense too. For a start, people are probably depressed in the supermarket because a lot of people hate shopping. But I can give you enough examples around me where people had happy marriages for 20 years, my grandparents included who where happily married for 57 years. Was there fights? Sure. Was there bad moments? Sure. But the compromises they made with each other made them forget the stupid things and focus on the fact they still loved each other.
Oh PUh-leeeze, it's them petty compromises which causes people to divorce. Also, I don't have problems with my relationship (please note, relationship and not marriage...I've never been married). I treat my partner as an equal and I therefore, would expect to discuss Dostoievsky take on punishment, the crisis of the Middle East and the latest sex tantra...making a big deal out of sauerkraut and octopus is just silly and definitely not worth the time and effort wasted on the topic....but then, that's alright for common folks I guess.
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank lost_inbroad for this useful post:
  #27  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:42
porsch1909
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

By not making a big deal our of sauerkraut and octopus is that not compromising?
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #28  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:43
Karenin's Avatar
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: England
Posts: 46
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 25 Times in 12 Posts
Karenin has earned some respectKarenin has earned some respect
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
Not many relationships are completely harmonious - those are the extremely lucky and blessed ones.
A friend of mine struggled for years to stay in a long relationship. When she finally got engaged she told her mother how hard it had been finding someone with whom she could share the same sort of relationship (see the above quote) that her parents had. Her mother replied but our relationship wasn't and isn't always like that we just never argued in front of you. Her parents are still happily married and have been for a long time and although her engagement didn't last my friend has found happiness with someone whom she regularly disagrees with.
Reply With Quote
The following 3 users would like to thank Karenin for this useful post:
  #29  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:44
Ouchboy's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Baden
Posts: 3,345
Groaned at 67 Times in 54 Posts
Thanked 5,739 Times in 2,182 Posts
Ouchboy has a reputation beyond reputeOuchboy has a reputation beyond reputeOuchboy has a reputation beyond reputeOuchboy has a reputation beyond reputeOuchboy has a reputation beyond reputeOuchboy has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:46
Kristanez's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Home and native land
Posts: 600
Groaned at 4 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 589 Times in 252 Posts
Kristanez has a reputation beyond reputeKristanez has a reputation beyond reputeKristanez has a reputation beyond reputeKristanez has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Lately, it feels like the experience of being ex-pats is like trying to navigate a mine field...there are so many places to misstep. I want to be the couple that comes closer together, but it feels like the navigation is so difficult, and then as others have posted, we each have different needs/backgrounds, and we end up feeling paralyzed (though together). But we're still in the mine field.

I need a map.
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank Kristanez for this useful post:
  #31  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:47
summerrain's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 4,350
Groaned at 4 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 985 Times in 325 Posts
summerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank summerrain for this useful post:
  #32  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:56
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Bern
Posts: 854
Groaned at 5 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 1,391 Times in 528 Posts
heckenhocker has a reputation beyond reputeheckenhocker has a reputation beyond reputeheckenhocker has a reputation beyond reputeheckenhocker has a reputation beyond reputeheckenhocker has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
..what a bunch of nonsense. I don't understand how marriage has anything to do with compromise. If your compromise already starts with what's on the table, then I'm afraid you have chosen the wrong person.
I think any relationship (marriage or long-term partnership or even friendship) has compromises in it. Sure, the relationship should overall enhance your life (or what's the point)...but life doesn't always work out perfectly. Should I ditch my husband 'cos he's had cancer and that's meant some annoying side effects from treatment....or compromise on / tolerate certain things and enjoy the life we have together?

Frankly not a tricky decision to accept some imperfections in someone you really care about <though hubby, 53 staples was taking things a BIIIT far>. So I guess if you are unwilling to compromise at all, that tells you something about the relationship...or perhaps your personality
Reply With Quote
The following 4 users would like to thank heckenhocker for this useful post:
  #33  
Old 21.11.2011, 14:57
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
Lately, it feels like the experience of being ex-pats is like trying to navigate a mine field...there are so many places to misstep. I want to be the couple that comes closer together, but it feels like the navigation is so difficult, and then as others have posted, we each have different needs/backgrounds, and we end up feeling paralyzed (though together). But we're still in the mine field.

I need a map.
Hang in there! The first year or two almost did us in. Now it's much, much smoother. Also consider your response to things: consciously choose another type of response if the same old way has never produced good results. For example, I used to be hurt and angry whenever he had a short fuse over something small and give him the silent treatment for a couple of hours after that. Now I just tell myself it's his 'problem', forgive him and move on to do other things. He may or may not apologise, but I get more peace of mind this way.
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank for this useful post:
  #34  
Old 21.11.2011, 15:00
lost_inbroad's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Town or region
Posts: 11,491
Groaned at 655 Times in 417 Posts
Thanked 16,388 Times in 6,379 Posts
lost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond reputelost_inbroad has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
I think any relationship (marriage or long-term partnership or even friendship) has compromises in it. Sure, the relationship should overall enhance your life (or what's the point)...but life doesn't always work out perfectly. Should I ditch my husband 'cos he's had cancer and that's meant some annoying side effects from treatment....or compromise on / tolerate certain things and enjoy the life we have together?

Frankly not a tricky decision to accept some imperfections in someone you really care about <though hubby, 53 staples was taking things a BIIIT far>. So I guess if you are unwilling to compromise at all, that tells you something about the relationship...or perhaps your personality
..nah, see there's a fine, fine difference. Your husband having cancer and you standing by his side is an example of love right there. That has nothing to do with compromise...but the dinky little issue people have aboue of he likes this, she likes that...it annoys me, tut I'll deal with it type of nonsense are detrimental factors, which cause divorce IMO.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 21.11.2011, 15:01
summerrain's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 4,350
Groaned at 4 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 985 Times in 325 Posts
summerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
Lately, it feels like the experience of being ex-pats is like trying to navigate a mine field...there are so many places to misstep. I want to be the couple that comes closer together, but it feels like the navigation is so difficult, and then as others have posted, we each have different needs/backgrounds, and we end up feeling paralyzed (though together). But we're still in the mine field.

I need a map.
You are not alone. Sometimes a couple has to be really far apart, on two different ends of the spectrum before they come together, much closer. Sorry - a little vague and emotional chow-chow but I want you to know that you arent alone.

Hang in there. Onto each other if necessary - and tight
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank summerrain for this useful post:
  #36  
Old 21.11.2011, 15:03
NotAllThere's Avatar
Modulo 2
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Baselland
Posts: 15,030
Groaned at 308 Times in 263 Posts
Thanked 23,179 Times in 9,413 Posts
NotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond reputeNotAllThere has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Sauerkraut and octopus. mmmm. yummy

My role in the marriage is to make my wife as happy as possible. Her role likewise. However, my role is not dependent on her fullfilling hers, and vice-versa. It's about selflessness. That's the ideal. However, marriage (and any relationship), involves two selfish, self-centred people. It's in the conflict of the reality with the ideal that the fun happens. As soon as one person starts demanding their rights to be treated selflessly by the other person everything collapses.

We've been married 21 years, are still in love, have great kids and a one-year old car. We come from radically different cultures and backgrounds.

To the OP - how we got this far - ten years in Switzerland - was almost by adopting a bunker mentality. Us against the world! By keeping the home base strong, we were both able to deal with the culture shock, and that fed back into keeping the relationship working. I remember three months in, loading everyone into the car and taking a spontaneous weekend in Italy. Just what we needed. Learning to ski, as a family, was another good one. Reminding us all of the benefits of being here.

It takes effort and compromise - spending time with each other, and being understanding. Some people haven't the guts for it
__________________
Down with racism. Long live miscegenation!
Reply With Quote
The following 14 users would like to thank NotAllThere for this useful post:
  #37  
Old 21.11.2011, 15:17
Carlos R's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Roundn'about Basel
Posts: 7,231
Groaned at 105 Times in 95 Posts
Thanked 9,934 Times in 4,178 Posts
Carlos R has a reputation beyond reputeCarlos R has a reputation beyond reputeCarlos R has a reputation beyond reputeCarlos R has a reputation beyond reputeCarlos R has a reputation beyond reputeCarlos R has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
My role in the marriage is to make my wife as happy as possible. Her role likewise...
Your wife has a wife?
Reply With Quote
The following 6 users would like to thank Carlos R for this useful post:
  #38  
Old 21.11.2011, 15:21
Sagitta's Avatar
Forum Veteran
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Winterthur
Posts: 706
Groaned at 3 Times in 2 Posts
Thanked 1,174 Times in 489 Posts
Sagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond reputeSagitta has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

How can you protect your marriage/relationship? Compromise, communication – all true, but I also strongly believe in soul searching, individual awareness and self-knowledge. Ask yourself the right questions: what makes you happy, are you fulfilled, does this relationship let you grow or does it hamper you?
If it hampers you, then you’ll find a way to break out because you will unconsciously drift away from it. Too much compromise, sacrifice, selflessness may lead to mysery.
I used to be the queen of compromise and sacrifice. In the long run, it never served my relationships. I would like my present relationship (marriage) to be a union of two strong, independent and fulfilled individuals.
Reply With Quote
The following 7 users would like to thank Sagitta for this useful post:
  #39  
Old 21.11.2011, 15:49
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Zug
Posts: 89
Groaned at 0 Times in 0 Posts
Thanked 94 Times in 36 Posts
potbelly is considered knowledgeablepotbelly is considered knowledgeablepotbelly is considered knowledgeable
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
if you don't love yourself how can you expect your partner to.
Totally agree. It may sound arrogant to say I love myself, but it's more in the direction of being content and happy with who and what you are.

On it's own, it wont solve someones problems but I do think it is something important that is overlooked. We can talk about compromise, hard work, selflessness, communication , change etc etc etc... But if you can't look inside yourself and feel happy about what you see, I believe your are just going to end up unintentionally hurting your partner. If you are happy with yourself, then that can infect your partner. Sometimes we just need to step back and have some personal time to think about ourselves.

@Kristanez, Been there & lost, but every situation is different. If your partner has a desire to make it work as well, you will pull through. Spotting that you may have lost your way is a crucial step.
Reply With Quote
This user would like to thank potbelly for this useful post:
  #40  
Old 21.11.2011, 15:56
summerrain's Avatar
Forum Legend
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Zürich
Posts: 4,350
Groaned at 4 Times in 4 Posts
Thanked 985 Times in 325 Posts
summerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond reputesummerrain has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Quote:
View Post
Too much compromise, sacrifice, selflessness may lead to mysery.
I used to be the queen of compromise and sacrifice. In the long run, it never served my relationships. I would like my present relationship (marriage) to be a union of two strong, independent and fulfilled individuals.
Agreed. I think if you love and know yourself, have certain boundaries, then the rest is just about compromise.
Reply With Quote
The following 2 users would like to thank summerrain for this useful post:
Reply

Tags
closeness, protection, relationship




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How do you discipline your teenager? Nil Family matters/health 99 17.04.2018 11:23
How do you make your Spaghetti [sauce]? transition Food and drink 83 19.08.2014 10:54
How do you protect yourself? nic80 Daily life 95 03.11.2011 14:24
How do you clean your floor when you have a cat? lost_inbroad Pet corner 55 09.06.2011 07:35
How do you sell your car? Dzi Transportation/driving 11 07.06.2011 09:53


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 17:43.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0