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  #41  
Old 21.11.2011, 17:06
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Agreed. I think if you love and know yourself, have certain boundaries, then the rest is just about compromise.
Plus, you have to be very careful about the words you spend during the fight(s). These are the ones you cannot recall and each side will remember the worst ones. If you choose the nastiest ones, then you will see that; the respect to each other will diminish to zero after a certain time which will push you to an unavoidable divorce / break up.
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  #42  
Old 21.11.2011, 17:09
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

I think there is a difference between being compromising and being submissive. Compromise involves two people learning to live together harmoniously, submission is the bending of one persons character to the demands of another. IMHO that is not what a good relationship should be about.
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  #43  
Old 21.11.2011, 18:15
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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I think there is a difference between being compromising and being submissive. Compromise involves two people learning to live together harmoniously, submission is the bending of one persons character to the demands of another. IMHO that is not what a good relationship should be about.
Not sure I agree with submission being about bending your character to suit the demands of another. I guess it could be. But I think it's usually more about submitting to that person's needs (not necessarily bending your own values), which can in itself bring enormous rewards for the submissive person.
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  #44  
Old 21.11.2011, 18:21
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Also, do a little experiement and step into a grocery store and observe people. The married ones have that beat down, depressed look...they were once in love 20 years ago...now, the kid is annoying, they don't get along, they don't look like 20 anymore...except the minivan, because it is actually 20 years old...and all in all are miserable. There, there I said it...
Oh lordy, if you could only meet my parents. They are like teenagers still. It's disgusting. Flirting and poking one another. I mean, if it was someone else's parents it wouldn't be so gross but because it's mine..you know how it goes. It's still endearing in a nasty kind of way though. I accepted some time ago that I come from a genetic line of perverts but sometimes it's just appalling.
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  #45  
Old 21.11.2011, 18:28
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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I accepted some time ago that I come from a genetic line of perverts but sometimes it's just appalling.
Say, you wouldn't have an uncle by the name of grynch by any chance?
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  #46  
Old 21.11.2011, 18:30
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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The married ones have that beat down, depressed look...they were once in love 20 years ago...now, the kid is annoying, they don't get along, they don't look like 20 anymore...except the minivan, because it is actually 20 years old...and all in all are miserable. There, there I said it...
http://content.artofmanliness.com/up...7/cynicism.jpg
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  #47  
Old 21.11.2011, 19:47
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Short list of qualities (by no means complete) that are necessary:

-Respect
-Communication, including the willingness to share and the act of simply listening to one's partner when he/she desires, without prematurely reacting
-Common goals
-Compromise (since one party is not EVER completely right in an argument)
-Focus upon the positives that one's partner brings to the relationship, as opposed to what qualities he/she is missing
-Dedicated efforts to maintain "couple" time, even in the face of all the reasons why it is too hard to schedule
-Appreciation for one's partner, combined with ways to show it (not just on anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine's Day!)
-Willingness to deal with conflict fairly; recognizing when fighting is done in a destructive manner and willingness to step back in this case
-A mindset that the relationship is an equal partnership, and the subsequent handling of decision-making as such
-Recognition that taking each other for granted is dangerous.
-Recognition of sex as a crucial part of the bond between partners because of the intimacy it gives, and never marginalizing its importance within the relationship

I used the word "partner" in the list as I believe any relationship needs these things in order to be successful!
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  #48  
Old 21.11.2011, 21:12
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Often on here I see threads about divorce or relationship break-down. It scares me a bit to be honest. I'd like to know how others have protected their marriage/relationships through transitions or difficult times - what do you do to brace against the storm?
One thing that has been important for us is to, sometimes, just pull up the drawbridge and focus on the five of us within our castle ... but never for long! It's important to have interests and activities outside the direct family, for all of us - although Mr Almost-4 basically has family and pre-school atm, other children have piano, guitar, judo, friends to visit / invite over ... we, as adults, have other adults we know, and keep in touch with over here either separately or together. For some strange reason, my wife doesn't share my taste in sport - wearing a rubber glove and diving to the bottom of a pool doesn't take her fancy ...
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  #49  
Old 21.11.2011, 21:18
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Hi all

IMHO, the basis of any relationship is respect. Without respect there will be no love. Indeed we must respect each and everyone in this world regardless of their origin or their status or their gender or age or whatsoever but unfortunately its not always like this. As a result of this, one can very easily become subjective that is when one hates other and so on.

If he/she loves the other just for what he/she is and not for not he/she is then one can love the other at any circumstances. In my opinion, most relationships are influenced by many factors like other people, stress at work, weather hahaha much more but if a person loves his/her better half even at difficult times like they did in happy times then this kind of couples will live very happily for sure throughout their life.

IMHO, the bottom line could be, JUST DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM THE PARTNER(wife/husband) EVEN IF IT IS LOVE, RESPECT or CARE. INSTEAD, GIVE YOUR RESPECT, LOVE AND CARE UNCONDITIONALLY! Then one will not have any disappointments which will also make the opponent understand the goodness of other and eventually he/she might learn from other :-)).

Its difficult(but not impossible) to do rather than to write or say :-)
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  #50  
Old 21.11.2011, 21:19
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

My philosophic advise is about prevention, not correction.
Need to ensure the issues are discussed, clarified, and never go to bed angry. Protecting your marriage is an interesting concept, for which I rather suggest to care for your marriage. Care, Respect, Communication, Dedication, Being one-self, Passion, and lots and lots of patience.
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  #51  
Old 21.11.2011, 21:38
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

I dont know if someone already added : write each other occasionally. Im a very introverted (but improving) wife but me and my husband of 6 mos got to know each other startng with emails (6 yrs ago) and i express alot in this way. Every now and then, i find a time to sit down and write him a long email (or a nice handwritten love letter) on my thoughts and dreams and tell him how i appreciate the past few weeks or so. If there is something bothering me that i cant get myself to bring up in conversation, i write it and he appreciates how honest i can be and in this way i can also choose my words very carefully.
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  #52  
Old 21.11.2011, 21:55
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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he gets to eat his sauerkraut and I get to eat my octopus (his ). Everyone is happy!
How about sauerkraut with octopus!

Actually, I have had a fish choucroute many times in Alsace, don't see why octopus wouldn't work as well (especially as I LOVE both), maybe with some salt cod to boot!

Tom
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  #53  
Old 21.11.2011, 22:02
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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If your compromise already starts with what's on the table, then I'm afraid you have chosen the wrong person.
Nonsense.

While my wife and I agree on most food-stuff, i.e. we diverge slightly on tete-de-veau (hers), kidneys (mine), and other such minor things. However, she has leaned to increase her intake of chiles, and me of tripe. Compromise means letting her cook a couple times a week instead of me monopolizing the kitchen (fortunately, she's a good cook).

Tom
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  #54  
Old 21.11.2011, 22:05
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Nonsense.

While my wife and I agree on most food-stuff, i.e. we diverge slightly on tete-de-veau (hers), kidneys (mine), and other such minor things. However, she has leaned to increase her intake of chiles, and me of tripe. Compromise means letting her cook a couple times a week instead of me monopolizing the kitchen (fortunately, she's a good cook).

Tom
If you can enjoy tripe, it must be love
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  #55  
Old 21.11.2011, 22:08
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

I can't believe you just said your new wife has a 'Tete de veau' now you really are in real trouble

Yep, 40 years married - ups and downs, compromises- I've changed, he's changed, we've adapted- I tell you what - growing old together having brought up a happy family is something very very special - we happen to be married but that's not necessary
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  #56  
Old 21.11.2011, 22:15
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

The author Alberoni had a interesting theory in his wonderful book "Le Choc Amoureux" and it remains anchored in my mind.

When one falls in love the other appears full of life, the other becomes the incarnation of life and both yearn and both feel confidently strong and together. They reach for what they thought they could never be, but only imagined possible.
The other becomes a liberating unpredictable strength. The miracle that each feels, is that such a wonderful person can possibly let themselves be loved and discovered.

But as time goes passes, the two become domesticated, available, always ready, always predictable. They lose their attractiveness.

And people tend to fall out of love, because the other has changed too much to please them and thus no longer corresponds to the initial object of affection. If both let go and fail to reinvent and stubbornly make love concrete and tangible, then love is destined to fade.

It's a nice theory and I'm not sure I've expressed it correctly.
I suppose it would be amazing if people really did find a way not to succumb to the lethargy of daily life and responsibilities, and are able to remember why they fell in love.

Otherwise it's a very lonely solitary existence
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Old 21.11.2011, 22:48
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Knew I'd forgotten something - stubbornness!

One reason I doubt my wife & I will ever divorce is that we're both too stubborn to let things fall apart, so we keep pushing until we've sorted out the problem (or it becomes irrelevant!).
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Old 21.11.2011, 23:41
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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To the OP - how we got this far - ten years in Switzerland - was almost by adopting a bunker mentality. Us against the world! By keeping the home base strong, we were both able to deal with the culture shock, and that fed back into keeping the relationship working. I remember three months in, loading everyone into the car and taking a spontaneous weekend in Italy. Just what we needed. Learning to ski, as a family, was another good one. Reminding us all of the benefits of being here.
I haven't been on the board long enough to "Thank" you for this post. One of the risks my husband and I have discussed when we talk about moving to Switzerland is the stress we will both be under and how that could impact our marriage. What you describe is what we hope to accomplish! Thank you for sharing!
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Old 22.11.2011, 09:04
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Knew I'd forgotten something - stubbornness!

One reason I doubt my wife & I will ever divorce is that we're both too stubborn to let things fall apart, so we keep pushing until we've sorted out the problem (or it becomes irrelevant!).
YES! I love when people view stubborness as a positive quality, because it does indeed have it's strengths (and negatives) like every quality!
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Old 22.11.2011, 09:57
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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