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  #61  
Old 22.11.2011, 10:12
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Nonsense.

While my wife and I agree on most food-stuff, i.e. we diverge slightly on tete-de-veau (hers), kidneys (mine), and other such minor things. However, she has leaned to increase her intake of chiles, and me of tripe. Compromise means letting her cook a couple times a week instead of me monopolizing the kitchen (fortunately, she's a good cook).

Tom
...I agree with compromising. However, maybe I even took it slightly to the extreme...my point is, that if you ask any divorced person, they'd most likely tell you, that it was the little things, which irked them the most. Not necessarily the "major" issues. This being said, sure you can compromise but changing for somebody is out of the question IMO.
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Old 22.11.2011, 10:53
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Changing because a partner asks you to, is very different to changing because you 'rub off' each other by 'osmosis' with the years. We all change anyway with the years, but a partner may influence that change in a positive way.
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  #63  
Old 22.11.2011, 10:54
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Changing because a partner asks you to, is very different to changing because you 'rub off' each other by 'osmosis' with the years. We all change anyway with the years, but a partner may influence that change in a positive way.
...I've witnessed, how through osmosis, somebody had changed to the negative. I guess it can be a 2 way road.
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Old 22.11.2011, 11:08
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Shortly after our wedding i bumped into an elderly neighbour in the street and we had a chat about my big day and the subject of marriage.

She offered a piece of marital advice i have never forgotten (probably because i never expeted a dear old little lady to utter such words)...she said "as long as a wife looks fabulous, cooks fabulous and is fabulous in the bedroom, a husband will always be devoted and will always provide". She and her husband were happily married for 62 years until his death.
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  #65  
Old 22.11.2011, 11:11
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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This thread requires some audio visual enhancement.
American Beauty is actually one of my favourite movies, for many reasons including the portrait of the decaying marriage

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But as time goes passes, the two become domesticated, available, always ready, always predictable. They lose their attractiveness.
Yes, things change with the time. The adrenaline and the passion you felt in the beguinning of a relationship, specially if it was forbidden and/or dangerous and/or impossible to see any future ahead will fade. But on the other hand, you gain insight, you gain a partner, a dear friend, a person you can trust 100% on in all things including the naughty ones.

And there's always roleplaying to prentend you have never met before...

As someone else said, relationships are hard work. But whether friendship or love, they are worth every investment when you take a good care of it.





And sauerkraut with octupus? I'd rather have the tripe!


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She offered a piece of marital advice i have never forgotten (probably because i never expeted a dear old little lady to utter such words)...she said "as long as a wife looks fabulous, cooks fabulous and is fabulous in the bedroom, a husband will always be devoted and will always provide".
This piece of advice makes me cringe... I'd have answered back "as long as a husband looks fabulous, cooks fabulous and is fabulous in the bedroom, a wife will be devoted back."

The take on a wife as the cook-bibelot-whore as the key to a happy marriage is just wrong... >_<
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Old 22.11.2011, 11:26
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Often on here I see threads about divorce or relationship break-down. It scares me a bit to be honest. I'd like to know how others have protected their marriage/relationships through transitions or difficult times - what do you do to brace against the storm?
The following is all based on my experience of marriage;

In difficult times it is easy to develop "selective hearing"....if you have nutured this use it efficiently! Swallow your developing pride and develop an attitude of grace...hear the good and let it penetrate your heart and hear the bad and let it go thru your mind and not your heart. I know it is not easy, but, many who have been succesful at marriage could explain this. If your spouse is complaining about issues well have you evaluated these and is there some truth to this? Be true to yourself, sincerely call your OH some really nice word each time they say something nasty/spiteful eg: darling, princess, hugable ( I know this sounds like a good thing to laugh at but it is soooooo important if you are in this situation).

Remember: Marriage is not about two "perfect" individuals.

Respect as an equal individual, as a wife/husband is important. However, if you are a wife it is important that you don't let your husband wear the skirt!!!! If you believe in the theory of evolution...hierarchy... well husbands should be supported by the wife to lead the relationship. I am not suggesting a dictorship! The wife plays such an important role of being able to freely give her opinion without compromise but also needs to let the husband stir the ship thru the storm. Patience is a virtue. In a storm this is hard to do, especially if the husband/wife is largely at fault, but, if this role is developed and nurtured-life long skills can be developed this will positively influence your marriage. Other positive influencing factors are your parents and how they handled their marriage conflicts ( if they had a successful one) and other married friends.

There are disagreements and arguements in any marriage, but, its how you both want to handle the reactions that make this work.

I am not claiming to have to world's best marriage nor has it been easy. We do know what tension is, bitternesss and how sarcasm hurts. However, my husband is the world to me (even more than my kids), he is my best friend and the one who was brave enough to commit to me for life. He will still love me, look after me when I am very old and I will do the same. He will be there for me whenever I am sad, hurt or sick..because we are not just in a commited relationship but that of marriage. Just like a father/mother cannot divorce a child and say "sorry kid we just cannot make this relationship work" so we should say the same to a relationship of marriage. We need to work hard at it and make it the best for both parties.

Keep marriage simple! It is not about pushing your spouse to get a better income to be sucessful at marriage. It is about spending quality time with each other- this action is not a sacrafice/compromise! If there are problems then you need to work harder by making time for each other to sit and talk. Start to go for a walk together, start to watch a movie together, listen to music together, pack a lunch for your spouse to go to work with a small note. Try and do something together each day, even if you are busy with work or kids- it is important to take these simple steps to find each other again.

Both my husband and I have counselled many married couples over the years without fee. Some have made it thru and really harnessed all the positives and others just were not true to themselves and wanted the easy way out.

If kids are involved, becareful to put them first by both parents agreeing to- not allowing your kids to hear your disagreements anymore. Make it fair to them, as they are little people with a lot of feelings in their own right.

Always fous on the positive, try smiling when your OH gets home-big difference and of course never go to sleep back to back without saying Goodnight! Remember it is easy to nag at everything but harder to accomplish a smile over something you cannot see anymore or feel- yet so easy once you consistantly start this again.
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  #67  
Old 22.11.2011, 12:19
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Take each other out for Dinner some time "AND SWITCH THEM DAMMD PHONES OFF" Cellphones are such amazing things and we are basically unable to live without them these days but they can really get into the way of a healthy relationship, give your spoce the attention she/he deserves. And show that she/he comes before everything else.
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Old 22.11.2011, 12:26
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Respect as an equal individual, as a wife/husband is important. However, if you are a wife it is important that you don't let your husband wear the skirt!!!! If you believe in the theory of evolution...hierarchy... well husbands should be supported by the wife to lead the relationship. I am not suggesting a dictorship! The wife plays such an important role of being able to freely give her opinion without compromise but also needs to let the husband stir the ship thru the storm. Patience is a virtue. In a storm this is hard to do, especially if the husband/wife is largely at fault, but, if this role is developed and nurtured-life long skills can be developed this will positively influence your marriage. Other positive influencing factors are your parents and how they handled their marriage conflicts ( if they had a successful one) and other married friends
Lots of good advice but the above definitely wouldn't work in my marriage. Thank goodness my mother also didn't adhere to it or I dread to think where us children would have ended up. Homeless that for sure. Thankfully my father was happy to let her steer and whilst their marriage was by no means perfect it is still going strong over 60 years later.

I like to think OH and I share the steering but in the main it's me. I think he would agree that there are times we would have gone way of course if I hadn't been at the helm.
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Old 22.11.2011, 12:28
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Apologies still feeling my feet here and mean't to put the above in quotes. Had no idea that strange box type thing would appear.
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Old 22.11.2011, 12:33
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Apologies still feeling my feet here and mean't to put the above in quotes. Had no idea that strange box type thing would appear.
Click and correct [CODE ] to [QUOTE ] and [/CODE ] to [/QUOTE ] without spaces
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Old 22.11.2011, 12:37
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Respect as an equal individual, as a wife/husband is important. However, if you are a wife it is important that you don't let your husband wear the skirt!!!! If you believe in the theory of evolution...hierarchy... well husbands should be supported by the wife to lead the relationship. I am not suggesting a dictorship! The wife plays such an important role of being able to freely give her opinion without compromise but also needs to let the husband stir the ship thru the storm. Patience is a virtue. In a storm this is hard to do, especially if the husband/wife is largely at fault, but, if this role is developed and nurtured-life long skills can be developed this will positively influence your marriage. Other positive influencing factors are your parents and how they handled their marriage conflicts ( if they had a successful one) and other married friends
Lots of good advice but the above definitely wouldn't work in my marriage. Thank goodness my mother also didn't adhere to it or I dread to think where us children would have ended up. Homeless that for sure. Thankfully my father was happy to let her steer and whilst their marriage was by no means perfect it is still going strong over 60 years later.

I like to think OH and I share the steering but in the main it's me. I think he would agree that there are times we would have gone way of course if I hadn't been at the helm.

Last edited by Karenin; 22.11.2011 at 12:39. Reason: Sorry thought I was editing the above post but a new one has appeared.
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Old 22.11.2011, 12:39
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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However, if you are a wife it is important that you don't let your husband wear the skirt!!!! If you believe in the theory of evolution...hierarchy... well husbands should be supported by the wife to lead the relationship. I am not suggesting a dictorship! The wife plays such an important role of being able to freely give her opinion without compromise but also needs to let the husband stir the ship thru the storm.
Thank you Aussie for sharing from the heart about what works for your relationship, and what you have seen helpful in couples that you have counselled, I appreciate the time you took to articulate your thoughts.

That said, the particular sentiments quoted above do not fit my belief system, and would actually raise major red flags in a relationship for me. I have many friends in relationships guided by these principles, and it works for them, but it just doesn't resonate with me. It grinds against my beliefs about equality, gender, and love, because it introduces power into the relationship. I have also seen this power abused far too often in my professional work. I do appreciate the intention with which you shared though, and the openess.
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Old 22.11.2011, 12:49
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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However, if you are a wife it is important that you don't let your husband wear the skirt!!!! If you believe in the theory of evolution...hierarchy... well husbands should be supported by the wife to lead the relationship. I am not suggesting a dictorship! The wife plays such an important role of being able to freely give her opinion without compromise but also needs to let the husband stir the ship thru the storm.
I too disagree but there seems to be a ring of truth to that statement.

Despite how the female has evolved in the world today - from being housewives in the 50s to career minded women, the man's ego hasnt really evolved much: still big.

Based on my personal experience, they dont like it when their egos are challenged or bruised - even from the smallest of piss takes and remarks. Its like their masculinity is challenged or something....

My mum gave me a piece of advice that stuck and still makes me chuckle till today: let the man think that he is the head. But we all know that the woman is the neck, subtly turning it.
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Old 22.11.2011, 13:05
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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..what a bunch of nonsense. I don't understand how marriage has anything to do with compromise. If your compromise already starts with what's on the table, then I'm afraid you have chosen the wrong person. If I'm with somebody, I except her to enhance my life...just the way she can expect me to enhance hers. I wouldn't want to discuss petty things such as sauerkraut and octopus. Also, do a little experiement and step into a grocery store and observe people. The married ones have that beat down, depressed look...they were once in love 20 years ago...now, the kid is annoying, they don't get along, they don't look like 20 anymore...except the minivan, because it is actually 20 years old...and all in all are miserable. There, there I said it...
You obviously don't know anything about being married... and I am not surprised you don't believe in marriages... most of men don't if you ask them, why would they? It is clever to keep your door open in case you wish to walk away but from the woman's perspective it might be waste of time. In formal relationship you will have to think it over really well before you dump your partner while in free, informal relationship you can walk away if you feel the feeling has vanished and there is no more 'love in ' in it (and almost in every relationship the 'so in love' part comes to en end. It is more important what stays after it happens.) I believe if the woman is with someone in a long term relationship and he refuses to marry her then this is waste of time. Of course this is my personal opinion and you don't have to agree at all, however if you want to be with me, take the best years of my life when I am young and fresh then you can as well marry me. I don't think it is worth to spend the best years of your young life with someone who is not willing to fully participate in it the same as some people believe it is not worth it to fully commit to the relationship and compromise...
Love is easier when both are looking in the same direction.

Maybe Poland is still very catholic and conservative and we still somehow believe that a woman should be married and start family around her 30's and not much later. I know that nowadays this attitude in UK and Ireland sounds ridiculous and I understand it. Women in other countries got financial independence faster so there is more time to have fun in life before one wants to start a family. And then they say that Polish women love changing nappies and cooking for their husbands (Only partly true but I don't mind this opinion at all). Apart from negative aspects of it such as 'ticking clock' and lots of pressure on women ('I must get married before 30 or I will be seen as a failure' or 'I will be too old and nobody will want to marry me') if you look at it from different angle it is not so bad...I am certainly not giving a green light to someone to dump me at the age of 30 If you are married you will work TWICE as hard to keep the relationship or fix it... you will go to marriage counselling if necessary and you won't give up on it easily...

And finally, yes! it is a lot about compromise and these small things that seem nonsense to you, such as eating octopus and sauerkraut as every day life with this particular person is so much about these little things... it is not because we are meticulous or don't know what is important and no! I don't like compromises, I hate them. If I had a choice it would always be 'My way or no way' I was spoiled as a child although I wasn't the only child in the family but I was first and the sensitive one. Also my dad passed away when I was 6 so our mom tried to compensate for it, sometimes I think she tried too hard as now it is really hard to adjust - amazing how much we bring from our childhood and family homes into our relationships without even realizing it! The same for him - completely spoiled, the only son of Polish overprotective mother. Ever heard of Polish mother in law, 'Polska Teściowa'? Try to deal with this one;-)

Every marriage is unique and it is up to the partners to find the best ways to communicate with each other. Protecting your personal space and freedom while respecting her personal space and freedom is never easy but worth trying and being together, having someone who loves you and supports you, who will be there for you when you need it is always more precious than being selfish and taking care only about your personal space. After all it is about having someone to grow old with (I know it sounds cheesy) to drink tea with when you come home, to have someone who will take care of you when you are sick. Life is long and often difficult...it's easier to go through it together. That's why people still believe in marriages.
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  #75  
Old 22.11.2011, 13:05
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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However, if you are a wife it is important that you don't let your husband wear the skirt!!!! If you believe in the theory of evolution...hierarchy... well husbands should be supported by the wife to lead the relationship. I am not suggesting a dictorship! The wife plays such an important role of being able to freely give her opinion without compromise but also needs to let the husband stir the ship thru the storm.
I'm sorry but I very much disagree with this line of thought. It's the same line of thought that cuts me away from any possible Christian sect that still defends that a woman has to be the complete submissive element on a marriage since the man represents the church/god and as such must take whatever he says as God's will.

In a relationship there is not need for the existence of a constant submissive/oppressive presence. It works for some, but not for all. I'll never forget a show I saw in RTL a couple of months ago with a marriage with a completely submissive wife. It makes me wanna crawl out of my skin. A woman is capable of making decisions as well as a man: some can take orders, some can issue the orders. The patriarchy element of most Western cultures is the only element that holds the thought that the woman should be the one to always take the submissive role on a relationship, reaching the point that a man that takes orders from a woman is less of a man.

Marriage is a communion of two individuals of equal importance. This means one time she’s right, other time he’s right. Or sometimes she’s right and she’s wrong/ he’s right and he’s wrong. Or are we also defending that in a homosexual marriage there is the absolute need of a passive/active element?

That’s why there is no point of despising a stay-at-home dad, or strangle a working mother. If evolution thought us anything is: we are long gone from the Neolithic where the fact that a man muscle build would make a difference on a prey chase. Besides, current anthropologic studies defend that both males and females participated actively on the chase, such as seen in other mammals, opposite to the thought that mothers where kept cowering in fear in caves while the men went hunting.
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Old 22.11.2011, 13:42
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

My husband and I literally weathered hurricane Katrina and a move here. I think you just need to communicate with each other and respect one another. We have been married 7 years and what I learned was that with troubles you can either split up or become family. The hard times brought us closer together as we could see that the other was strong enough to rise above the circumstance.
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Old 22.11.2011, 14:01
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Ouch. Now that's a scene that hits home. When your marriage comes to this stage, then it becomes a process of "what should I be doing to make me happy again" and not "what can WE do about this, honey".
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Old 22.11.2011, 15:01
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Ouch. Now that's a scene that hits home. When your marriage comes to this stage, then it becomes a process of "what should I be doing to make me happy again" and not "what can WE do about this, honey".
I just think there is a whole lot of 'wrong' in that movie the least of which is a failing marriage...
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Old 22.11.2011, 15:07
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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I just think there is a whole lot of 'wrong' in that movie the least of which is a failing marriage...
You'd almost think it's a provocative dark comedy/drama or something.
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Old 22.11.2011, 15:43
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Hi All,

I can only speak from personal experience, I have moved three times in last three years, built a house in Germany (which went pretty badly and took over two years to finish) and have a (almost) three year old kid. The stress and strain of these times has pushed us both to breaking point many times, we both considered walking away, both considered many options but in the end we realised that the only way to fix a marriage was to fix ourselves first. We spent a long time blaming each other and falling into the trap of using guilt and emotional blackmail to attack the other (in subtle and not so subtle ways). But the really amazing thing is, we have managed to turn it around, not just for ourselves but especially because we have an adorable little kid who deserves both parents to be there for him and to be free of emotional baggage. For me the key was to let go of past resentment and feelings of being made inadequate (which to be honest didnt come from the marriage but came from my own insecurities). To embrace my partner as someone who was there to share in all lifes ups and downs with me and who wanted to make decisions on an equal basis with me.

Finally we have both found our true selves again (which can become lost when you try for a long time to please someone else through acting differently or always being either submissive or hostile) and we are doing better than ever. We have more fun together now and we look on every day as a blessing and a gift. I agree marriage is not for everyone, but as I am realising, a relationship or a marriage is built on mutual trust, respect, love and understanding. But to have these things one must first have them within oneself and be willing to not just share them with one's partner but also anybody encountered in daily life. Leaving a marriage or a relationship does not change who we are inside, it just means that the points of tension or conflict leave our lives for a while, but they will most likely return somewhere else after a while, either in another relationship or work or socially. I really love being married (5 1/2 years) and I think it offers me so much more than being on my own. But it has taken me this long to realise, married or not, the real conflicts are within me and not with my partner. As I am overcoming this I am realising what a great gal my wife is and how lucky I am for her and my son.
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