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Old 21.11.2011, 10:17
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How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Often on here I see threads about divorce or relationship break-down. It scares me a bit to be honest. I'd like to know how others have protected their marriage/relationships through transitions or difficult times - what do you do to brace against the storm?
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Old 21.11.2011, 10:43
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Often on here I see threads about divorce or relationship break-down. It scares me a bit to be honest. I'd like to know how others have protected their marriage/relationships through transitions or difficult times - what do you do to brace against the storm?
Well, I for one don't believe in marriage. It is not a successful insitution and puts a great deal of psychological pressure on the participants. I do however believe in relationships...what to do to brace the storm? Not sure, but the nitty-gritty stuff that brought people together, should also be the glue to keep people together. Basically, what it boils down to is love, respect and caring for one another.
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Old 21.11.2011, 12:02
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Often on here I see threads about divorce or relationship break-down. It scares me a bit to be honest. I'd like to know how others have protected their marriage/relationships through transitions or difficult times - what do you do to brace against the storm?
Affection (hugs are a powerful thing!), sex and talk as needed. Also, sit-down breakfasts and dinners with no distractions.
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Old 21.11.2011, 12:05
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Honest communication with understanding on both sides.

If everyone knows where they stand it avoids problems storing up and becoming insurmountable.

If you can foster the feeling that you are facing tough situations together face on rather than in opposite directions I think it is the key to staying in tune with each other.

Also, if it does all hit the fan, don't be afraid of a big humdinger of a row - it clears the air and does not signal the breakdown of a relationship.
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Old 21.11.2011, 12:08
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Just live your own life. Within reason of course, but if you're not doing what you want then it's right to question why you're in a relationship or if you should be doing something else. Life's too short to put up with other people's crap.
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Old 21.11.2011, 12:11
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

It really depends on each situation and each marriage.

When mine went through a really rough patch, the thing that held it together was communication. My OH is the silent absent-minded type, and I am aware of it. So I grabbed him by the collar and forced him to sit down and listen, and I careful listened to his own responses. Due to the problem origin, it worked, though it took a while to re-adujst.

Most important is no finger pointing, patience and no shouting. An adult conversation can solve a lot of problems.

It doesn't matter how much love there is, if the communication does not exist the marriage is doomed to fail.
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Old 21.11.2011, 12:55
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Well, I for one don't believe in marriage. It is not a successful insitution and puts a great deal of psychological pressure on the participants. I do however believe in relationships...<snip>
One could argue that the lack of marriage is the reason why so many relationships break down. While everyone goes on about the % of marriages that end in divorce, anyone know of statistics where long-term relationships with or without children also ended in separation?

Unfortunately I don't/can't find any... however, I'm just suggesting that we shouldn't be so quick to blame "marriage", as such.

For the OP: work hard at respecting your OH and supporting them in their everyday lives. Happy long-term marriages usually the result of hard work.
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Old 21.11.2011, 13:32
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Well, I for one don't believe in marriage. It is not a successful insitution and puts a great deal of psychological pressure on the participants. I do however believe in relationships...what to do to brace the storm? Not sure, but the nitty-gritty stuff that brought people together, should also be the glue to keep people together. Basically, what it boils down to is love, respect and caring for one another.
I for one tend to bite my tongue more when we got married and lessened the tendency of thinking: "ah f*** it! I've had enough! See ya!!"

It was much easier to walk away when we were in a relationship.

But I do agree that regardless of whether there is a marriage or not, a relationship is about love, respect and caring for one another though.
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Old 21.11.2011, 13:41
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

Through hard work and a lot of luck.

When the love and respect is gone, the basis for a happy marriage is gone too. Some people continue their marriages despite the lack of love and others decide to end it.

When a marriage is harmonious, it's an incredible experience. I'm all for the institution of marriage, especially when children are involved, but there are no guarantees.
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Old 21.11.2011, 14:01
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Honest communication with understanding on both sides.

If everyone knows where they stand it avoids problems storing up and becoming insurmountable.

If you can foster the feeling that you are facing tough situations together face on rather than in opposite directions I think it is the key to staying in tune with each other.
Yes! (my bold)
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Old 21.11.2011, 14:08
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

I would say the answer is in the question, it is a stage of transition.

If the relationship was good before then there is every chance it will be so again. Some people cope well with stress but some don't. If one person in the relationship doesn't then things are going to be tough, there will be arguments especially if neither of you possesses a strong dose of the patience gene. Alternatively there may be silence as everyone deals with stress in different ways.

Just keep reminding yourself that this is a difficult time but transitory and hang on in there.
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Old 21.11.2011, 14:17
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

In my opinion(experiance), In any complicated situation one should first think what he/she will do if he/she in opposit person's position, you will get all your answers/solutions. Also try to change the person and not to think to replace the person, after all it was your choice(person).
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Old 21.11.2011, 14:27
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Also try to change the person and not to think to replace the person, after all it was your choice(person).
Trying to change someone else will NEVER work. You can only change yourself.
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Old 21.11.2011, 14:49
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Trying to change someone else will NEVER work. You can only change yourself.
Even that is tough. Suppose the answer is acceptance both of yourself and your partner and how you deal or don't deal with stressful situations.
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Old 21.11.2011, 14:51
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Even that is tough. Suppose the answer is acceptance both of yourself and your partner and how you deal or don't deal with stressful situations.
I think you cant change a person. You can both however, compromise.
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Old 21.11.2011, 15:03
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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I think you cant change a person. You can both however, compromise.
Crompomise is the word.

Most people scream away from marriage because they don't know the meaning of that word, and believe you give up on your freedom and individuality once you marry.

Without compromise a marriage leads to a dead end. I eventually accepted my husband as a German (with all the goods and bads about it) and he accepted me as a Portuguese (with all the goods and bads about it), and we ended up in a happy Luso-Germanic compromise - he gets to eat his sauerkraut and I get to eat my octopus (his ). Everyone is happy!
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Old 21.11.2011, 15:15
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Crompomise is the word.

Most people scream away from marriage because they don't know the meaning of that word, and believe you give up on your freedom and individuality once you marry.

Without compromise a marriage leads to a dead end. I eventually accepted my husband as a German (with all the goods and bads about it) and he accepted me as a Portuguese (with all the goods and bads about it), and we ended up in a happy Luso-Germanic compromise - he gets to eat his sauerkraut and I get to eat my octopus (his ). Everyone is happy!
..what a bunch of nonsense. I don't understand how marriage has anything to do with compromise. If your compromise already starts with what's on the table, then I'm afraid you have chosen the wrong person. If I'm with somebody, I except her to enhance my life...just the way she can expect me to enhance hers. I wouldn't want to discuss petty things such as sauerkraut and octopus. Also, do a little experiement and step into a grocery store and observe people. The married ones have that beat down, depressed look...they were once in love 20 years ago...now, the kid is annoying, they don't get along, they don't look like 20 anymore...except the minivan, because it is actually 20 years old...and all in all are miserable. There, there I said it...
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Old 21.11.2011, 15:18
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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do a little experiement and step into a grocery store and observe people. The married ones have that beat down, depressed look...they were once in love 20 years ago...now, the kid is annoying, they don't get along, they don't look like 20 anymore...except the minivan, because it is actually 20 years old...and all in all are miserable. There, there I said it...
....and thats a bunch of generalisation dont you think?

I've seen just as many old married couples in their 70s, still holding hands and very affectionate with each other.

Any relationship, whether marriage is in the equation or not is about compromise. By all means, kudos if you find someone who enhances you. Thats ideal but there will be times in the relationship, from octopus to sauerkraut, there are the bigger decisions in the relationship where you dont always see eye to eye and simply have to agree to disagree or find a common ground.
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Old 21.11.2011, 15:18
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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Even that is tough. Suppose the answer is acceptance both of yourself and your partner and how you deal or don't deal with stressful situations.
There is a quote from a song I like: "I could tell her if she was Acceptance we could name our first-born Freedom."

I'm curious if others have more thoughts on this theme...I do, but they aren't quite coherent yet.

ps. I'd really like to leave the "Is marriage valuable question" to another thread, I tried to word my original post in an inclusive way, and am really most interested in the protection factor.
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Old 21.11.2011, 15:19
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Re: How do you protect your marriage through transition?

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....and thats a bunch of generalisation dont you think?

I've seen just as many old married couples in their 70s, still holding hands and very affectionate with each other.
Yeah, right after their daily shot of Prozac.
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