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Old 26.06.2012, 22:02
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When to tell a new partner whom you want to marry you have a child?

Hello,

I am a single mom of 1 year old. My daughter was born in committed relationship with my ex with whom I was together for 3 years. Shortly after my daughter was born I broke up with him as I did not see a future.

I now just started a relationship with a French man. We are in pretty early stages, but both head over heals for each other and I definetly know I want to marry him. I have not told him yet that I have a daughter.

So my question is, when do I tell him about my daughter? I don't want to tell him for however long possible as I want our relationship to develop before we introduce that aspect of my life, but at the same time I don't want to hide it. My main question what's French people's view on being in a relationship with someone who has a child from a past relationship. Is there a stigma or are they pretty open minded? Also how likely do you think he would be willing to get married? Do French delay that quite a bit? I do want to marry sooner rather than later due to permit issues mainly.

To give you more information, I am 26 and he is 25 (my ex was 38 so it's quite odd I'm dating someone younger, but we just click). We are both highly educated, he graduated from a Grande Ecole in France in finance and got Masters from an Ivy League school in New York. He is from Paris from a good family. I also have a Masters degree. We are professionals. My ex sees his daughter multiple times per week, but she lives with me full-time. We both currently live in San Francisco, but we both would like to relocate back to Europe soon (to Geneva).

Any insight would be much appreciated?
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:07
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

Tell him as soon as possible. Your daughter is a part of you. If he wants you, he has to take the daughter with. Don't wait and tell him later, it might be a deal breaker.

Honesty is the best way to start a relationship.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:11
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

I agree with Nil. You need to tell him as soon as possible.

Also, I suggest you move slowly with this guy -- especially because you do have a child.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:16
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

You are both highly educated as you write. He'll probably figure it out when you end the evening at 9pm as the babysitter has to go home.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:18
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

Ok.. tell him as soon as possible doens't really help. What do I just blur it out?

But that's not even so much what I'm interested about. I get it I have to tell him, but I'm more so curious culturally how is this preceived by the French?
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:23
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

I have to admit...

I don't quite understand how/why you think you would want to marry this guy if you're not even close enough for him to already know.

If he doesn't know that you're a mother -- and has never met your daughter, which is a big part of you -- then it's hard for me to think he could really know you very well.

I don't think that being a parent is anything to be ashamed of. If he's not pleased with it, then move on!

Good luck!
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:23
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

WHAT! I mean forgive me for sounding harsh, but I fuking brag about my kids non-stop. You cant keep me from mentioning my kids, especially to members of the opposite sex. You need to put this information out on the table asap!

Infact the longer you wait the more credibility you will lose. If some woman put off telling me she had kids I would think she was a bad mother or hated her children. Your kids are cut from your own cloth. Blood is thicker then water lady, dont ever forget that.

Infact you should call him now.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:24
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

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.. I get it I have to tell him, but I'm more so curious culturally how is this preceived by the French?
Geneva is in Switzerland.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:24
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

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Ok.. tell him as soon as possible doens't really help. What do I just blur it out?

But that's not even so much what I'm interested about. I get it I have to tell him, but I'm more so curious culturally how is this preceived by the French?
Rarely it is a cultural thing, in this part of the world. If the guy is interested in you, I don't see why a child wouldbe a problem. Not telling him soon enough could be one.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:25
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

Wow. Highly educated but dumb as a rock. Why are you asking English speakers in Switzerland about how nuts a Frenchman is going to be when he finds out you're hiding the most important 'secret' in your life from him? Do you have any idea what honesty and integrity means?

It makes me weep if this is the state of education. Fantasising about marrying someone you're deliberately fooling. Remarkable.

Tempted to sound the Troll Triangle, but maybe - just maybe - you're for real.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:26
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

Well, we're a very mixed bunch but I don't think there are all that many French Nationals on English Forum. And I suppose those who are here have assumed new values and points of view after living and working outside France anyway. In the same way it wouldn't be much good asking me how a Brit would react in a certain situation. Dead waste of time.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:26
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

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Ok.. tell him as soon as possible doens't really help. What do I just blur it out?

But that's not even so much what I'm interested about. I get it I have to tell him, but I'm more so curious culturally how is this preceived by the French?
Who cares how the French perceive it, I want to know how a 25 year old single guy behaves when told HE IS ALREADY A DADDY!
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:28
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

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I don't want to tell him for however long possible as I want our relationship to develop before we introduce that aspect of my life, but at the same time I don't want to hide it.
You should have told him on the first date. So you know you want to marry this guy and the poor guy does not even know you have a kid? What do you guys talk about if you don't know basic important stuff about each other?

Is the world so devious? Talk about spinning a spider web
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:31
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

The guy is 25, so green his ass needs mowing. Does anybody really think a young guy like she describes is gonna stay with a girl with baggage unless he really loves her?.
She wants commitment, a 25 year old guy wants whoopee.

Methinks that the OP already knows this, or how can she explain not telling him about the most important thing in her life
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:34
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

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Who cares how the French perceive it, I want to know how a 25 year old single guy behaves when told HE IS ALREADY A DADDY!
No shiit...! Look I dont know too many French guys in SF (I lived there for 5 years) who ever had ANY plans on staying with an American girl for the long haul. Maybe your guy is the exception to the rule? I hope thats the case. But culturally the French like to destroy their reputations over-seas so that they can keep their good reputation inside of France in tact. I went to Uni with perhaps 10 french guys. All of them lovely people. None of them wanting to have kids until they are 40 years old

So yes, put it out there for him to gauge. Maybe you are the one for him? Im sure youre both awesome etc. But the fact you waited to spill the beans gives him and out in this entire thing.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:35
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

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Nil, the guy is 25, so green his ass needs mowing. Do you really thing a young guy like she describes is gonna stay with a girl with baggage unless he really loves her?.
She wants commitment, a 25 year old guy wants whoopee.

Methinks that the OP already knows this, or how can she explain not telling him about the most important thing in her life
I guess you are right.

I do have a friend who was the typical young guy who just wanted to have fun with a cultural background totally opposed to be with a woman with a child. He still did it against all.

But the girl was straight forward about it from start. He had the chance to decide from himself.
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:36
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Re: Dating woman with Children, when to tell?

I think any news is much more palatable when it comes in icing form, just pop it onto a cake top - the French love that kind of thing.

But seriously, he is 25 - good luck with telling him (pleeeeeeease do it ASAP), but what are you going to tell the father of your child - does he know you are planning to take his child to Europe?
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:38
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Re: When to tell a new partner whom you want to marry you have a child?

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Shortly after my daughter was born I broke up with him as I did not see a future.
Here's a "promising and exciting new artist" for ya:



GO ON! Give it the full seven minutes and twenty one seconds! Play it LOUD!

All together now...
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:39
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Re: When to tell a new partner whom you want to marry you have a child?

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Here's a "promising and exciting new artist" for ya:



GO ON! Give it the full seven minutes and twenty one seconds! Play it LOUD!

All together now...
Really? As a mod? Come on!
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Old 26.06.2012, 22:40
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Re: When to tell a new partner whom you want to marry you have a child?

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Really? As a mod? Come on!
Nil, don't forget, I'm first and foremost a member of this fine Forum.

This thread is ridiculous. Let's get mileage before someone less sober closes it.
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