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  #41  
Old 20.07.2012, 16:48
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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I think it is.

My parents served us well, they have 3 very successful proud sons, serving the police in London, working in Switzerland, and teaching English in China.

All my friends, school, work or other, and girl friends loved my parents for being "normal" and not the parents who when you go around completely ignore you, as many others do, or treat 16/17 year olds like they are 10.

Not sure on the dog comment though, is he standing funny? Thats how frenchies stand
I think you're parents are cool...never mind about the dog part.
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  #42  
Old 20.07.2012, 16:50
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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Under no circumstances give the Ex any leverage to beat you with, becuase without a doubt she'll use it. I most certainly would
Agreed but she pretty much makes life as difficult as she can so she can't really do much more. Luckily as much as she hates me she acknowledges that I'm a good dad and wouldn't actually stop the kids from seeing me.

At the same time I don't want to disrespect her wishes. Difficult one.

I'll be starting a new thread soon. "can anybody lend me a 5-6 bedroom apartment for a few weeks" ...
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  #43  
Old 20.07.2012, 16:51
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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Yep - mom needs to be in on this discussion.

When my (underage) nieces and nephews visit with their boy/girl friends I follow their parents' rules on sleeping accommondation.

Given that I live in a typical Swiss house with limited guest rooms, that sometimes means we all stay at a chalet or pension instead of my home. (Which makes a nice holiday for me as well.) Perhaps that might be a solution?
Too expensive, and my wife wouldn't believe it , all this fuss over nothing...
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  #44  
Old 20.07.2012, 16:54
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

Why don't you ask the bf to kip with you and the daughter can sleep with the ex ?

That way the bf will leave and problem solved.
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  #45  
Old 20.07.2012, 16:54
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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Under no circumstances give the Ex any leverage to beat you with, becuase without a doubt she'll use it. I most certainly would

What does this mean? What is she going to do? Create a wedge between herself and daughter by kicking off at dad because he treated her like the consenting adult she is?

He doesnt need to pander to ex wife.
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  #46  
Old 20.07.2012, 16:55
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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It's also up to her & no one else what she tells her mother.
So in this scenario, OP allows his daughter to share a bed with her boyfriend during the holiday, on the grounds that it is his decision since it is his home, they are probably already sexually involved anyway, and his daughter can simply choose not to share the information regarding the sleeping arrangements with her mother if she wishes.

The problem is that what's then to keep the 11-year-old brother from subsequently sharing information with their mom and the resulting fallout between mom/daughter? Seems kind of unfair to the daughter, given the problems that may result, for OP to not speak to mom and discuss an alternative that will be acceptable for all parties involved and keep the ensuing drama to a minimum, IMO.
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  #47  
Old 20.07.2012, 16:57
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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What does this mean? What is she going to do? Create a wedge between herself and daughter by kicking off at dad because he treated her like the consenting adult she is?

He doesnt need to pander to ex wife.
True, but I have enough enemies already. I don't mind upsetting my ex if that is the right answer, but if I can avoid it I'll be happier.
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  #48  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:00
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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So in this scenario, OP allows his daughter to share a bed with her boyfriend during the holiday, on the grounds that it is his decision since it is his home, they are probably already sexually involved anyway, and his daughter can simply choose not to share the information regarding the sleeping arrangements with her mother if she wishes.

The problem is that what's then to keep the 11-year-old brother from subsequently sharing information with their mom and the resulting fallout between mom/daughter? Seems kind of unfair to the daughter, given the problems that may result, for OP to not speak to mom and discuss an alternative that will be acceptable for all parties involved, IMO.
I try to encourage the kids not to have secrets and trying to keep this from mum would blow up really quickly like you say.
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  #49  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:01
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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What does this mean? What is she going to do? Create a wedge between herself and daughter by kicking off at dad because he treated her like the consenting adult she is?

He doesnt need to pander to ex wife.
Essentially it would give her ammunition to claim to others or family members that he is a bad father, even though they're not a couple anymore they may still have mutual friends and family members.

While one person may view this as being the cool parent, others would condemn it as bad parenting. Should his daughter become pregnant at any point whether now or in a year or two this could be seen as a catalyst for that happening.

Do you know understand what I mean? I come from a country where teenage pregnancy is rife and it is by no means a good thing that teenagers are having sex at a young age.
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  #50  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:07
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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it is by no means a good thing that teenagers are having sex at a young age.
As long as they protect themselves and it's under mutual consent, then I don't really see an issue with it.
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  #51  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:07
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

This debate will go on for 20 more pages and I will not be able to read it!

Could you please so kind to update us (at least me) after the holiday how things worked out with the kids /bigface teenagers / exwife / current wife / you?
In a sticky, right?

Actually, we are expecting our daugther to arrive (again) to Basel (we have got a situation), and I wanted to buy a single bed for her. My boyfriend just looked at me and simply told me: look, she is 12, bigface, her boyfriend will sleep over sooner than you might think. Shall we not buy a bigger bed?
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  #52  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:08
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
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  #53  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:09
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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Actually, we are expecting our daugther to arrive (again) to Basel (we have got a situation), and I wanted to buy a single bed for her. My boyfriend just looked at me and simply told me: look, she is 12, bigface, her boyfriend will sleep over sooner than you might think. Shall we not buy a bigger bed?
@12?

No. That would be illegal.
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  #54  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:09
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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As long as they protect themselves and it's under mutual consent, then I don't really see an issue with it.
Now that's a Swiss way of thinking.
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  #55  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:11
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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Essentially it would give her ammunition to claim to others or family members that he is a bad father, even though they're not a couple anymore they may still have mutual friends and family members.

While one person may view this as being the cool parent, others would condemn it as bad parenting. Should his daughter become pregnant at any point whether now or in a year or two this could be seen as a catalyst for that happening.

Do you know understand what I mean? I come from a country where teenage pregnancy is rife and it is by no means a good thing that teenagers are having sex at a young age.
Which would be a lie, plus she already recognises he is not a bad father he mentions, likewise, more fool those who would feel this would make him one. You dont need idiots in your life, in which case, he may lose a few of them. Big deal.

It could be argued the other way. Mums insistence on keeping them separate only encouraged them to pursue what they wanted, we all know what will be will be. Why would it not be mums fault that by seperating them (assuming her wish) that led to catalyst of unwated pregnancy? But on this note, we are assuming the teenages are stupid, some are, but most aren't. I am sure neither want a child, and I am sure they know about condoms and other methods.

Yes, I am from the UK, teenage pregnancy is rife there too. Mostly because it will entitle the mother to a free house and benefits and they will never have to work. They wont have a great life, but most of these class of people deem it better than working for a similar amount of money and life style.

As for it not being a good thing teenagers are having sex. What is that comment about? That what we all did wasnt it? Some of us made mistakes doing it, most of us didnt.

All I am saying is the more you discourage, the more you increase the urges. Put it on a plate and its no much longer a big deal.

If they were 14-15, i would be more willing to say no way. Even if was a little active at an early age. But 16/17, come on.
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  #56  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:12
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Thanks for your help
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  #57  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:13
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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The problem is that what's then to keep the 11-year-old brother from subsequently sharing information with their mom and the resulting fallout between mom/daughter?
Or worse, IMO, the daughter says "dad let me share a bed, why don't you?".

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True, but I have enough enemies already. I don't mind upsetting my ex if that is the right answer, but if I can avoid it I'll be happier.
If you are going to go down the bed-sharing route, then make sure you are the one to tell her (the ex), rather than her finding out by accident. Also tell her before your daughter arrives. That way it is out in the open.

If your ex is the one to make a fuss, then it will be her alone and you can stand back with a smug "and now you know why your mum and I are no longer together" look on your face...

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I'll be starting a new thread soon. "can anybody lend me a 5-6 bedroom apartment for a few weeks" ...
No, but I've got a couple of spare camper beds you can borrow if you want...
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  #58  
Old 20.07.2012, 17:13
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Thinking about this a bit more shouldn't it read:-

Damned if they do and damned if they don't...
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Old 20.07.2012, 17:14
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

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@12?

No. That would be illegal.
She is 12 now. We think that she will have a boyfriend later who wants to sleep over. Say in 4 years.
It was just an example that I still see her as a baby and my boyfriend as somewhat outsider can see her as a teeny growing up - reality hit me.
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Old 20.07.2012, 17:17
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Re: Sharing bedrooms

The law:

Art. 301 Swiss Civil Code

B. Scope [of Parental Custody]
I. In general
1 The parents raise and care for a child with his or her best interests in mind and take all necessary decisions unless the child has capacity to act.
2 The child owes his or her parents obedience; according to how mature the child is, the parents shall allow the child the freedom to shape his or her own life and, wherever feasible, take due account of the child’s opinion in important matters.
3 The child is not permitted to leave the family home without the parents’ consent, nor may he or she be unlawfully removed from them.
4 The parents give the child his or her first name.

In a nutshell, the parents (holder of parental custody) get to decide what happens at home until a child is 18, always giving due consideration how mature the child is and what is in the child's best interest.

This will of course not help you in your decision, but at least you can cite chapter and verse if your being put on the spot...
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Last edited by Mica; 20.07.2012 at 17:19. Reason: typo
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