We have been avoiding this subject in our house for the past 11 years. My kids were born here and have a Swiss father. They hardly know their Canadian cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents. Their Swiss grandparents, although wonderful people, have made it clear that they could not take the kids (and I wouldn't expect them to). The only relative I could picture them having any kind of normal life with, lives with his family in the US. But I also don't really think it's right to send kids off to another part of the world after losing their parents and if it's even possible, who knows.

What do other people in the same situation do?

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www.kokoandkalila.com

I have no children, but my sister discussed this subject years ago with her and her (then) husband's closest friends. They all agreed that if anything happened to any of them, the other couple would take the child/children.
Sometimes, if a child knows friends better than family, that could be the best solution in the end.

It would be a lot to ask of someone to take on 4 kids! Most people we know tell us they couldn't imagine having "so many" kids, so it makes it kinda hard to ask someone to take on 4 (on top of their 2 or 3)!
For me, I wouldn't think twice about taking in more kids if they had nowhere else to go. I guess I also feel a bit embarrassed about asking anyone and maybe afraid that their answer will be no!

how old are they? i guess at 16, they would be able to fend for themselves and look after younger siblings.

bit of a depressing topic, though. surely this is a monday topic and not a friday one!

Sorry, don't want to depress anyone! Is it Friday already??

Death is a fact of life. The knowledge that you're not going to be here forever should encourage you to enjoy life to the fullest -not be depressed!

You won't get an ideal solution. Decide what's most important

1. Keeping the children together
2. Location
3. Stable family life
4. Already knowing their carers.

Then look at what various people are willing to offer. Make a decision based on that. For ours we decided they'd go to their aunt and uncle in the UK. Now two of them are 18, they get to stay here, as they will be the guardian of the non-adult.

Make a will stating what you want to happen.

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Down with racism. Long live miscegenation!

I was listed as my niece's guardian, should anything happen to my sister and BIL while she was a minor - but when I started the expat merry-go-round it suddenly didn't seem in the child's best interest to uproot her from her home, school, friends and move her to wherever in the world I happened to be at the time.

So we agreed that while I would continue to be responsible legally and financially, the child would live with a good friend's family in the same town, staying in the local school, until such time as it would be sensible - or possible, don't forget the immigration legalities - for her to come to live with me.

Perhaps splitting responsibilities might be a consideration?

Fortunately those plans never needed to be put into action.

It'd be the workhouse for mine.

Pah. They'll be the cause of my death anyway!

I feel strongly that children should stay with family - and that it would be a very sad family that did not want to embrace caring for ophaned family members.

I just don't see friends as being the right people to take on the responsibility, to see unrelated children through the angst of teenage years, through the trauma ( which may not appear for years) of being orphaned and away from all family. I imagine that many would be vulnerable to feelings of having been rejected by family at some stage.

I wonder what research shows on this subject. .

Hopefuly, this remains a hypothetical quetion for your family.

However, if they do not have any local relations apart from the grandparents, perhaps you could consider buiding up a relationship with the relations in Canada. Not just to potentially provide parenting for children in the case of parental death, but also to give the children a sense of belonging within the extended family - to know their cousins for example. letters, emails, skype, visits... do you visit Canada at all?

Not an easy one this! We had an arrangement with sil and bil in UK that we would look after each other's kids, if ever. The thought of having 5 teenage girls meant we all drove very carefully

We have agreed to take on our grand-children... if ever (perish the thought) with financial backing to get some help in the form of an Au-Pair to help as we are not getting any younger. Our grand-kids feel very much at home here - but let's hope the question will never turn into reality.

I feel it is very important to make contingency plans, approved by all involved- but as you say, when different countries are involved, it is very difficult.

Mind you, I feel it is also important if you have pets. We have made arrangements for ours-should me meet our demise, again with financial backing to the end of their days.

We have been thinking about just this a lot lately in the context of new baby arriving and all the fun and games of lawyers and will writing

Bottom line: they go to my sister in law or my sister - so stay in the family

FYI we were advised to make our wishes known in writing to the appropriate authorities here as both our families are abroad

Depending on your and your chosen guardians' financial positions and the legal arrangements in countries involved you may also want to look into ensuring that you leave funding for additional expenses they may face e.g my sister would need a bigger place and car etc

Fun thoughts on Friday

When my children were young, I found the question was too difficult to address because life is a constant change. The people I might have chosen at one time to be my children's guardian changed throughout the years. People move away. Or get new partners. Or split from partners. Or get ill. Too many factors.

The chances that you may split up as a couple are far greater. Keep working on your marriage and enjoy the moments. Having a family is one of the greatest experiences one can have.

But surely if circumstances change, you change the plan too.

For us, it was comforting to know we had plans in place, agreed by all. Then we could get on with enjoying our lives, secure in the knowledge that the 'what if' plans were safely in place - which, thank goodness, never had to be put into action.

Thinking about this always makes me sick to my stomach

Family: only my SIL (as grandparents are all too old/ not suited)

We also have a couple of friends we would feel good knowing they would raise the kids to our value, but somehow we never got around making a formal decision.

It is one of those we just push away for fear

Agreed, and yet it is comforting when it's done...

We had a friend who wouldn't make a will, as he felt it would jinx him. He died intestate and it was a nightmare for his family. Just do it... and then forget it.

In which case your kids will go into care, most likely.

So, with the greatest possible respect, get over yourself, and start thinking of the welfare of your kids. Make a will, get it ALL sorted out.

This is such an important topic. It's so vital to have a will for things like your children's care. For us, my best friend since childhood was a natural choice. My parents would have full involvement and access that way, without the challenge of bringing up young kids during their retirement years.

We made this decision virtually right away when our first was born. The only other thing we haven't yet done but it's top on our to-do list is a life insurance policy, so that if something happens to us both, she also receives money to support the care. That being said, she's wealthy and against us doing this, but it feels like the right thing to do.

I'm responsible for my sisters kids should something happen... I've no kids yet so till I do I'd move back to Ireland should d worst ever happen.

Kri

I felt the same way. Did nothing after the first child but we lived in England and France surrounded by old friends and family. Here it just felt different

I admit I hated every minute of the process but I will be relieved when it is done. File it and forget it.