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  #61  
Old 14.01.2016, 21:44
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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While I agree with Longbyt that trust is a wonderful thing, made the experience here a couple of decades ago that the CH man I'd been with for 4 years, and married to for 2, suffered from bi-polar disorder.
I'd been with my ex for 10yrs and married for 3 of them when his behaviour changed. it took a further 4yrs for him to be diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I can never blame him for what happened but I do blame him for refusing to get help until it was too late. I don't hate him, but if I saw him in the street I'd probably still be scared of who he became.

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...but us single moms have determination and resolve .
It's amazing how resourceful you become in a situation like that.
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  #62  
Old 15.01.2016, 13:34
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Please elaborate...

*popcorn time*
I don't believe in life-long monogamy. I also don't have the energy to date other people right now. If in a year or ten, or twenty, my partner and/or i need another partner, whatever. I don't own his genitals and he doesn't own mine. I think it's a really big problem when you can't tell your partner when you have a crush or when your waiter is smokin' hot.

I guess the only problem is a child being born to another partner, but that's not really a problem after you're done having kids. There's viable birth control for both men and women if you're willing to travel for it.
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Old 18.01.2016, 17:43
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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I don't believe in life-long monogamy. I also don't have the energy to date other people right now. If in a year or ten, or twenty, my partner and/or i need another partner, whatever. I don't own his genitals and he doesn't own mine. I think it's a really big problem when you can't tell your partner when you have a crush or when your waiter is smokin' hot.

I guess the only problem is a child being born to another partner, but that's not really a problem after you're done having kids. There's viable birth control for both men and women if you're willing to travel for it.
Your name is not CrazyKitty for nothing

I'm sure many would love to debate this with you, but perhaps this thread is not the right place for that kinda debate. Feel free to start a new thread, I'll chip in with my tuppence.
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  #64  
Old 18.01.2016, 19:19
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

Why stay married then? Why is owning or not owning their genitals any more or less important that owning their heart, or their bank balance, or whatever- Each to their own and live and let live- just don't get it. That's fine.
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  #65  
Old 18.01.2016, 19:31
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Why stay married then?
It works for some people (not us, so far ), so why knock it?

We know several such couples, who have been together 20-30 years or more!

Tom
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  #66  
Old 20.01.2016, 10:01
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Why stay married then? Why is owning or not owning their genitals any more or less important that owning their heart, or their bank balance, or whatever- Each to their own and live and let live- just don't get it. That's fine.
Tons of emotional, legal reasons.

Being able to legally make your partner family so that you can reciprocally benefit from shared responsibility? *Medical decisions*, child custody (men don't have many rights over their children in Switzerland if they're not married to the mother of their children), shared finances, etc...

I think if I were back in Canada, I would have been fine with common-law due to the legal protections. But I think Switzerland lacks these protections because of a lot of church-inspired ideology available only to married couples.

I honestly wouldn't want anyone else over my husband making medical decisions for me if I were in a coma, and he feels the same way. I think that was our litmus test.
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Old 20.01.2016, 10:08
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

Clearly if you agree to an open marriage then there is no cheating (as long as the terms of the openness are not breached). But it has to be bilateral.

If one of the couple decides to go and explore unilaterally then it's not acceptable. But that isn't up for debate in this thread is it?

And bless Switzerland and the no-fault divorces. Good in a way but going through divorce myself, it is no fun.
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Old 20.01.2016, 10:17
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Clearly if you agree to an open marriage then there is no cheating (as long as the terms of the openness are not breached). But it has to be bilateral.
Of course that's true.

I just don't think it makes the cheating partner *EVIL* or the scum of the earth. It's also very common because the mainstream environment harbours an idealistic mentality that nobody should ever be attracted to anyone else, or form any real friendships with the opposite sex, which further compounds the problem.

A common scenario is finding a friend of the opposite sex and hiding it from your partner because of fear of jealousy. That further bonds the friendship since it's a *secret* now. Then slowly, the new friend takes over as confidant, and the rest is history. This would have been avoided from day 1 if the relationship was open about shared attractions, even if the relationship is firmly monogamous.

EDIT: I also don't think a non-working spouse can be happy without a few affairs, but that's a personal opinion and most non-working spouses like to pretend the affairs keeping them happy don't exist.
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  #69  
Old 20.01.2016, 10:21
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

Start a new thread kitty- An interesting topic to discuss, but not on this particular thread surely.
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Old 20.01.2016, 11:17
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

Just out of curiosity, to those who groaned my suggestion that the OP pull out excess cash from the bank to prevent his partner from taking it, thus leaving the OP with the legal bills and no funds. What exactly is it that warranted the groans? I have not suggested that the OP hide the money, just to protect it as the OP will be expected to pay everything if the spouse is not working or earns less.
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Old 20.01.2016, 11:21
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

I was the non-working spouse who was not happy. Not due to lack of affairs (although in hindsight that wouldn't have been a bad idea ) but partly because for the preceding 4 years we had moved house 5 times and just wanted to settle somewhere but my husband was already talking about our next move. It came to a head though when we arrived in Switzerland and my husband showed increasingly less interest in spending time with me.

Turns out that the common scenario crazykittylady describes was going on i.e. husband met someone at work. In the end my 'I would never cheat, coz I was cheated on once and it hurt too much' husband announced pretty much overnight that he was leaving me. Tried to tell me that it wasn't because of this other woman but that our marriage had been bad for some time now. At the time shocked how without even an effort to work on the marriage, he so seamlessly set up a new life with his new woman and her kids and left me with our two young kids. Now I realise a blessing in disguise and really I can only thank him now for leaving us.

We divorced within 6 months of him walking out and yes it was a horrible experience. I would say be careful of the use of lawyers. Due to my ex's actions and behaviour, I was forced to consult my lawyer a lot and even had to proceed to 'Eheschutz' (separation agreement) prior to divorcing resulting in a crazy high legal bill which I personally was liable for. I now have a divorce agreement and maintenance order which my ex does not adhere to. I can of course take him to court again but then I incur legal fees again ;-( It seems however this is the road I'll have to go down.
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Old 20.01.2016, 11:25
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Just out of curiosity, to those who groaned my suggestion that the OP pull out excess cash from the bank to prevent his partner from taking it, thus leaving the OP with the legal bills and no funds. What exactly is it that warranted the groans? I have not suggested that the OP hide the money, just to protect it as the OP will be expected to pay everything if the spouse is not working or earns less.
Because it makes no difference.

The lawyers will be all over the bank records and will spot any large withdrawal from either party in or around key dates - and they will get rolled into the overall assets for division.

If the financially strong person does it they are just being grade-A a-hole trying to wield financial power to force their way on the weaker party - that will lead to tit-for-tat warfare through the divorce - increasing overall costs - and screwing everyone but the lawyers.
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Old 20.01.2016, 14:22
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Because it makes no difference.

The lawyers will be all over the bank records and will spot any large withdrawal from either party in or around key dates - and they will get rolled into the overall assets for division.

If the financially strong person does it they are just being grade-A a-hole trying to wield financial power to force their way on the weaker party - that will lead to tit-for-tat warfare through the divorce - increasing overall costs - and screwing everyone but the lawyers.

While the divorce is in process, the wage earner still has to pay all bills, housing, etc. Pulling "excess" cash, not "all" cash doesn't mean hiding it or trying to pull a fast one, because, as you state, it is quite obvious to track and can be netted out in settlement. Unfortunately, if cash is a significant asset and the cheating spouse pulls it, the OP is stuck struggling to cover the legal fees, etc and may never see the cash again. In theory, the OP is the honest party and I recommend protecting themselves as they may wind up being the one left being strong-armed...and I did state in my post that it may sound like an A-hole move, but it's the intent of the party and not the actual transaction. The mediator or court will hash out what is legally mandatory and bickering beyond that will also lead to the lawyers taking the lion's share.


Let me pose this scenario for you and see what you think. A person's partner that doesn't work and really doesn't contribute to the household maintenance and doesn't keep their promises but continues to waste money on frivolous and/or unhealthy activities. This person pulls out excess cash from the bank and takes the partner's card away, etc in order to mitigate financial/health problems and gives the partner a small allowance and continues to pay for all necessary items and even entertainment/vacations.


Is this person now a grade-A A-hole?


In reality, both situations are extremely similar. Again, I never recommended sticking it to the OP's partner, merely taking what little action they can to protect the monetary assets that may be at risk as I myself have found my acct emptied before.


Really, I'm not a tool and I almost never recommend vindictive actions, was just trying keep the OP from winding up cash-strapped in one of the world's most expensive and least forgiving countries when it comes to paying bills on time....ultimately just trying to help an EF'er out with what same may consider sage advice.


BTW, I have earned groans in the past, some well-deserved, but this wasn't one of those posts.
Thanks for responding, DodgyKen, too many member like to drive-by groan.

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Old 20.01.2016, 14:38
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

The question is whether the OP wants the divorce to proceed quickly and without hassle or whether they want it to drag on while the Eheschutz is negotiated.

If the OP has been married a short time the last thing they want is the proceeding to take multiple years and costs to spiral - and for the wife to end up having lived in Switzerland for long enough to claim spousal support.

To that end the OP should have already seen a lawyer and stated a date so that transactions (from both sides) could be disputed in any division of assets.

I appreciate that having been "cleared out" before you have had a bad experience in such matters but if you want a quick divorce you really don't want to get the other side's back up.
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Old 20.01.2016, 14:46
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

^I agree with this. You have a separation date which does not have to be documented per say and if both sides agree, you can go directly to a divorce convention which is basically a marriage termination contract.

You could do this yourself if you're amenable - otherwise you need a lawyer and it would be advised to use different lawyers each.

It's going to be simpler if you have no kids nor property. Lucky you.
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Old 20.01.2016, 14:50
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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^I agree with this. You have a separation date which does not have to be documented per say and if both sides agree, you can go directly to a divorce convention which is basically a marriage termination contract.
Jeez - it was only a few years ago and I can't remember what I did on this front - but IIRC we signed a piece of paper between my ex and my self which we used for the tax authorities while we were going through the divorce.

It was all amicable - even if she got a telling off for not providing a pension statement in court
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Old 20.01.2016, 15:37
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Hello All,

This is my first question to this forum though I am passively active on this site.

My wife has recently admitted that she has cheated me on my back when I was on business trip for last one year. We were married for 2 nearly years now and both of us are Non-EU (i am on Permit C and she has permit B) and we have no child.

Now the simplest solution is to get divorce but as she has on cheated me, I even dont want pay a single penny from my pocket to her (No alimony). She has agreed that we can have "friendly divorce" and she is ready for it. Now my problem comes here as she has no job in Switzerland and I earn more than 110 K CHF/year, I am afraid that judge my force me to give her a part of income which I dont agree and dont want.

As I told she does not want money from me , can anyone tell me if I will be forced to pay her anything or not? Please help.

Thanks in advance,
Kim

Trying to leave your wife high and dry you call amicable divorce?
How many years have you been married?
Sorry but men who try to leave their vulnerable partners with no financial support are pathetic, same as men who have children then decided to leave the relationship and avoid paying alimony for years claiming in front of the court they have nothing.

How many years of good marriage did you enjoy? Was she taking care of you? Was she cooking, cleaning, doing shopping and taking care of guests visiting your house? Was she your friend, your lover and your company during this time? Perhaps she left her family or job abroad and moved with you to Switzerland for your job?
Why after all of that would you leave someone who shared life with you and perhaps your worries and your problems with nothing?

Lickily there is no guilt divorce in Switzerland everything will be shared 50/50 and Swiss law will support her.

I don't support cheating but maybe you need to be honest with yourself, take a step back and think why did your marriage fail?
What have you done to make it work, to take care for her? I am not saying it is totally your fault as I don't know but things like this usually happen for a reason.
And as my situation looks exactly like your wife's story I am sure you are not without guilt. I was unhappy and felt unloved for 7 years but I tired and tried until I gave up and found someone else. There was huge pressure on me to get pregnant but I hated the thought of having sex with him... I found someone else and I have to say it was the best decision I could make. I chose loving. Caring relationship with someone else and I don't look back.
You showed her as someone responsible for all your problems and let me tell you something, it is never true and these problems occur much earlier in a relationship, cheating as you call it ( or looking for love and attention as I call it) is a result of these problems being ignored for longer period of time... unless you simply married wrong person or got married for wrong reasons.

You can't do anything to turn back time but please at least be honest and don't act like you have done nothing to ruin your marriage.
I've been in your wife's shoes and I am sure it is not easy for her to leave a man she does not love while having no job and no money of her own but something tells me she had to do it as she probably was deeply unhappy.

I wish your wife all the best and I hope she will be happier woman now.

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  #78  
Old 20.01.2016, 15:49
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

Dodgyken: It is all answered in the OPs post. Don't put your views onto someone elses thread

Seriously? I believe my view is important.
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Old 20.01.2016, 15:53
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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I don't support cheating but maybe you need to be honest with yourself, take a step back and think why did your marriage fail?
What have you done to make it work, to take care for her? I am not saying it is totally your fault as I don't know but things like this usually happen for a reason.
And as my situation looks exactly like your wife's story I am sure you are not without guilt. I was unhappy and felt unloved for 7 years but I tired and tried until I gave up and found someone else. There was huge pressure on me to get pregnant but I hated the thought of having sex with him... I found someone else and I have to say it was the best decision I could make. I chose loving. Caring relationship with someone else and I don't look back.
You showed her as someone responsible for all your problems and let me tell you something, it is never true and these problems occur much earlier in a relationship, cheating as you call it ( or looking for love and attention as I call it) is a result of these problems being ignored for longer period of time... unless you simply married wrong person or got married for wrong reasons.

You can't do anything to turn back time but please at least be honest and don't act like you have done nothing to ruin your marriage.
I've been in your wife's shoes and I am sure it is not easy for her to leave a man she does not love while having no job and no money of her own but something tells me she had to do it as she probably was deeply unhappy.

I wish your wife all the best and I hope she will be happier woman now.
Oh, I see. The wife cheats and the culprit is the husband. Glad we got that sorted.
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Old 20.01.2016, 16:00
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Re: Divorce question : Cheating wife

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Dodgyken: It is all answered in the OPs post. Don't put your views onto someone elses thread

Seriously? I believe my view is important.
Thank you
Being that you quoted the OPs post where they say they were married for 2 years - what did you expect?

You are going through a crappy time but that sure as hell doesn't mean that everyone going through a divorce is going through your divorce. The OP has, rightly, given very little detail on their background and marriage details so how you can relate it to yours is beyond me.

Your post is a "look at me, talk about me, me, me, me, me, me" post.
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