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Old 30.01.2018, 18:29
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Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Hi everyone!

I am a victim of domestic violence. I am trying to convince my husband to go for professional help. He cannot control his temper and anger. I would like to help him and hope he will not be violent again.

There are two barriers: ego and financial.

Ego: He is always apologetic after abusing me and promise not to do again. I persuaded many times to him to get professional help but he always think he could control his temper in the future. I could understand he must have felt embarrased to get help.

Financial: He always tell me it will cost a lot of money and he is not willing to pay for it. Is there any social support available so that this would not be his excuse?

Anyone here has the same experience or could give advice/ tips? I want to save my marriage.

Thanks!
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Old 30.01.2018, 18:37
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Sorry, but he's just making excuses. If he really wants to do this he would. And no, there's no social support. He'll have to cough up if he is really serious about getting help.
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Old 30.01.2018, 18:41
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Commune provides counselling and church institutions, too. Not that it is always high quality, but could be. I wish you a lot of strength, OP.. Sometimes the best help to an aggressive partner not controlling himself is just letting him leave. Save yourself. You are worth it. Think of the airplane oxygen mask you gotta put on yourself first. Then others. <3
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Old 30.01.2018, 18:44
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Long story short: He does not want to change his behaviour so leave him.
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Old 30.01.2018, 19:04
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Has he got into trouble for his violent behaviour before in another relationship? This could be the reason he is making excuses, he doesn't want to inform the authorities or register with professionals as they know about him already.

He will get worse, not better and you're in danger.
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Old 30.01.2018, 19:21
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Googling around I found this relationship counseling service in Schaffhausen :
http://www.partnerschaft-schwangerschaft-sh.ch

This looks like a relationship counseling practice, offering single and couples counseling. Under the Info link, it says that the cost is based on one's income and family size, there is a calculator to see what the fee would be. You might put in your details, see if the fee would be in line with what your husband would pay.

I know nothing about this counseling service, only what is on the website. Perhaps you should call first, yourself, see if they offer an appropriate anger management therapy within their relationship counseling remit. If they do not, perhaps they can give you other names.

---

Possibly a better fit for your husband would be this counseling service in Thurgau, specializing in violence prevention:
http://konflikt-gewalt.ch/privatpersonen-maenner.php

Therapy is free for two months for residents of Thurgau, which won't help you but it makes me guess, but only guess, that it might not be too expensive. At least its worth looking into. Would your husband be willing to travel? It's not that far. And they might be able to recommend someone in Schaffhausen.

From this website's links, here are similar groups working in the field of violence prevention:
http://konflikt-gewalt.ch/links.php

---

Alternatively, your husband should speak to his GP, ask for a referral to a suitable therapist. You could do the same, ask for names to refer your husband to - especially as your doctor already knows what happened.

---

Another thought would be to ask the various support services for victims of violence for referrals to appropriate counseling services for your husband. Start with the Fachstelle für Gewaltbetroffene linked in the other thread, contact them yourself.

---

There will be costs, your husband needs to understand this. He needs to accept the consequences of his actions, including costs, if he wants to save the marriage.

And if he is not willing to take steps... you need to plan for your next steps. You cannot live in a situation where you are in danger. I would strongly suggest counseling for yourself as well, both to deal with emotional trauma and help you with practical steps, including a plan to leave. This is a necessary protection for you no matter what other outcomes you are hoping for. The Fachstelle für Gewaltbetroffene from the other thread can discuss programs to help you, the victim, with costs.


I hope a way forward can be found.
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Old 30.01.2018, 19:53
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Didn't want to ask, but I guess it needs to be asked. Is there any alcohol or such involved?
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Old 30.01.2018, 20:07
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

He may be able to get psychological therapy that is covered by the health insurance, if he speaks to his local doctor. But he has to be honest...

As for the cost... it costs around 200chf per hour to see a psychiatrist, less to see a psychologist, and even less to see a counsellor.

I would suggest you speak to the women's advice service. you have been given so many good links. The first major step forward is for you to get the support you need...and to bring the problem into the 'public'...

Do you and your husband both use the same doctor ? There is nothing to stop you (well, except fear/threats of violence!) from going to the doctor yourself to discuss the problem, or for the two of you to go together. If you fear this will 'set him off' then I would definitely encourage you to use one of the domestic violence help services that are available!!!
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Old 30.01.2018, 20:27
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Yes, we have the same family doctor. I went to the doctor for my injury due to his violence and told the doctor everything. He should know my husband as his patient too.

He does not drink alcohol or take any drugs. This is purely anger/ temper problem.

He has this supplementary health insurance. Probably it could cover him therapy/counseling costs?
https://www.kpt.ch/de/produkte/leist...lege-plus.aspx
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Old 30.01.2018, 21:42
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

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. Do not confide to your Swiss doctor. You should never do that, they can really cause you a world of hurt, ( you should know they do not take the Hippocratic oath AND they easily report patients to authorities). It can really take a very bad turn for your partner. .
Sorry you’ve had a bad experience, but what you say does not reflect doctors generally in Switzerland. There is no obligation for a doctor to inform authorities of a person who is accused of domestic violence, and even if they did so, they would first have to discuss the situation with the Kantonal Doctor, as it is not a situation where the patient confidentiality can be breached without such discussion.

There are situations where a doctor MUST report information to the authorities, but an accusation of a crime is not one.

The doctor must also respect the confidentiality of the OP. The doctor can not disclose to the husband that she has spoken about the violence....unless the OP gives her permission, or is in the same room and herself tells that she discussed it with the doctor.

OP....best wishes for finding the way forward that works best for you.
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Old 30.01.2018, 21:47
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

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Do not behave as a victim because this tends to bring about what you fear the most. That doesn't mean fighting back or talking back which can make things way worse but having the right attitude (some women don't get assaulted, just the way they are) and being prepared, e.g. you lock yourself up, you have an escape and so on....

...There is always another person for you, if you don't get along he can find another woman and you can find another guy.
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Old 30.01.2018, 21:50
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

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I will be blasted
And rightly so, troll.

Tom
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Old 30.01.2018, 23:10
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

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I did not have personally a bad experience,
So you're talking out of your backside.
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Also to clarify I should have written "some women are less likely to be assaulted" it's probably difficult to model what they do, I guess you have to find them, learn from them, talk about it with experienced and sensible women around you . But I would say keeping your cool is part of it.
Bollocks!
The average number of assaults within a relationship before one partner leaves, is 35. That's a shitload of 'keeping your cool', and there's a good few of those 'experienced, sensible women' on this forum, as this thread shows... https://www.englishforum.ch/daily-li...ml#post2610906
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Old 30.01.2018, 23:43
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

ohboy
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Old 22.08.2018, 08:40
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Hello
I live in Olten and I recently relocated in Switzerland from London to join my now husband . My husband is abusive and I need contact numbers for Domestic Violence. He is abusing me emotional and economically and now he even gives threats to my daughter and controls food in the house We want to relocate back to the UK . Any advice please will be appreciated.
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Old 22.08.2018, 12:51
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Was he not abusive before? If he was why did you move?

There are several organisations here

https://www.englishforum.ch/family-m...t-numbers.html

see if there's one near you you could contact. You can also ask at your gemeinde for your local contact/s.

If you want to move back to the UK then just do it. Leave everything behind and start anew if you can. Of course maintenance payments might be difficult to get if you divorce, but I think there are reciprocal agreements between the UK and Switzerland. You could check that with this organisation

https://www.englishforum.ch/family-m...k-details.html
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Old 22.08.2018, 12:58
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

And check the details on taking your child with you back to the UK, not that you get sued over child abduction.

Good luck
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Old 22.08.2018, 12:59
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

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If you want to move back to the UK then just do it. Leave everything behind and start anew if you can.
Your profile says you have a child. If your husband is the father of that child, you should definitely seek advice from one of the many organisations linked to in this thread, so that you can be certain whether or not you are allowed to take the child out of the country, away from his/her father.

EDIT: oops, Roegner was faster!

Last edited by doropfiz; 22.08.2018 at 14:15.
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Old 22.08.2018, 16:53
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

Thank you Roegner for your reply. The child is not his and her dad lives in the UK and gave me permission to relocate with her . Also we don’t speak German and I don’t about the Swiss law .
I have seen the link and will make some contacts .
Regards
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Old 24.08.2018, 19:27
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Re: Professional Help for Domestic Violence

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Anyone here has the same experience or could give advice/ tips? I want to save my marriage.

Thanks!
Hi,

First of all, very sorry to hear that you're in this situation. I was in your situation not too long ago, however in much earlier stages.

Unfortunately if your partner is not willing to change there is really not much you can do to force him. You have to find a way of looking after yourself and formulating an exit plan, particularly if you see the situation escalating.

Physical abuse is very scary and of course completely unacceptable but you should also try to view emotional / psychological abusive with the same degree of severity. I wouldn't be surprised if there is also serious emotional abuse happening here in parallel. Both forms are abuse are inflicted with a view of breaking you down as a person. You really need to consider what kind of life and marriage you would like to have, and whether this situation is serving that purpose. It seems simpler to stay in a bad situation at least in the short term - I understand that desire to not rock the boat and hope everything will work out, but you should not remain in denial. Think big picture.

Abusive people do not change overnight, and even with therapy this is going to be a very long, drawn out and uncertain process.

If you plan on leaving, do not tell him. People like this are violent because they want ultimate control, and any fear of him losing control could lead to further violent outbursts. You should know that a woman is in most danger when she leaves an abusive relationship and in the weeks and months following this. You are not in responsible for his abuse in any way, but do understand the importance of protecting yourself and your exit plan.

If you choose to exit (or even if you stay) you have to start psychologically preparing:

- Document all instances of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal threats) and store in a safe location
- Keep originals and copies of your important paperwork in a safe location
- Prepare financially for an emergency and have money readily accessible in a bank account not known to him
- Are there any friends or family you can trust and share this with? You will need the emotional support regardless of whether you leave or stay.
- Find the right legal advice from a family lawyer, even more important given you don't speak German
- Practice safe technology practices (change your passcode on your phone/ email / social media frequently, clear your browser history etc.)
- Contact the local fauenhauz and understand your rights

Also I'd encourage you to read online about other women who have had these experiences. After a while you will see a very clear pattern of personality types who perpetrate this kind of violence, and the difficulty in changing that. Unfortunately, this is more common than we would like to think. The issue is that it's more complex to leave when you are in a foreign country, without the language skills and lacking the extensive support network of family and friends back home. Abusers capitalize on this, and the silence feeds the situation.

Whatever you decide, I wish you strength and hope.

Best of luck.
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