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  #121  
Old 12.07.2019, 15:08
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Re: Happy - are you?

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. Also, I think comparing oneself with movies stars or other public personalities is more of a teenage/very young people thing.
People compare themselves to celebrities where they perceive some common ground. Itís why advertising and even public service announcements/ messages about health using celebrities are effective for a wide range of the public.
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  #122  
Old 12.07.2019, 17:11
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Re: Happy - are you?

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As for that woman, she's family unfortunately, ......
Does that necessarily mean you must have her in your life, space, energy, pocket? In asking, I'm not, of course, meaning to take my own thread off-topic... I'm thinking about happiness and, since so many people have written about it, un-happiness.

It seems to me that too many of us spend an inordinate amount of our resources, of all kinds, on relationships with people we don't like. I wonder why we do.

I used to think that those who said: "I don't care if she's the leader of the pack, or a blood-relation, or was my closest school-mate. I don't like her and I won't have anything more to do with her," were rather too harsh, or else not skilled enough to find a way to build a viable bridge, etc., and that they were probably discarding a treasure they would later come to regret losing. Over the years, however, I've observed cases in which it turned out to be remarkably liberating for those who have severed the relationship with the people who drained their energy, time and money.

To be clear, I'm not talking about the high-drama lifestyle of families or circles of friends who have multiple incidents of when A isn't talking to B, while C won't forgive D for missing a birthday party 20 years ago, etc., then next time you blink A and B are best buddies again and ganging up against E and G instead, etc.

Currently, I can think of six different people who took several years of delibarating, who tried hard to fix a relationship (and I'm excluding divorces, here, or even couples), who felt they had turned themselves inside-out trying to accommodate their friend/parent/sibling/adult child, who had tried intervention by others and asked for criticism, who had really worked hard at changing themselves and the circumstances of meeting the other, but who finally - once they had concluded that there is no room, in fact, to fix something, given that all attempts had failed - removed themselves from the relationship. And nowÖ they are free, and so much happier.
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  #123  
Old 12.07.2019, 21:17
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Re: Happy - are you?

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Currently, I can think of six different people who took several years of delibarating, who tried hard to fix a relationship (and I'm excluding divorces, here, or even couples), who felt they had turned themselves inside-out trying to accommodate their friend/parent/sibling/adult child, who had tried intervention by others and asked for criticism, who had really worked hard at changing themselves and the circumstances of meeting the other, but who finally - once they had concluded that there is no room, in fact, to fix something, given that all attempts had failed - removed themselves from the relationship. And now… they are free, and so much happier.
I'm one of those people. But I tell you - it wasn't simple. I gave up a friendship only when I realised we really have different views and I'd have to stop being myself in order to have a peaceful time with that person. We didn't argue in the end, we had a few attempts to fix things, and then I just retreated myself from the relation (emotionally it was horrible - I really suffered it ended like that because I cared for that person).
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  #124  
Old 12.07.2019, 21:47
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Re: Happy - are you?

Yes, greenmount, I understand that suffering, and the tension between really caring for the person, but at the same time knowing that staying in the relationship is going to go on being destructive. There's grief, afterwards. And grief comes in waves.

Those I know who have done this, including me, spent many hours, months, even years, agonising over the choice, and trying whatever they could to change the nature of the interaction, and only then finally accepted that the connection had to end.

Looking back, I wonder why I continued for so long. In fact, each of those people I know asks themselves that… why didn't I face the truth of the matter and get out sooner? I know, I know, we were trying not to lose someone we cared about, or trying to do the right thing, or adhering to a cultural norm or someone else's expectation or even one's own.

I'm not sparkly happy to be out, of course not. It was a very sad decision. But I now I am definitely better off, as I am exposed to fewer incidences of deep, deep unhappiness on account of what was wrong in that relationship. So if there's a kind of bookkeeping of happiness, I have fewer "expenses", fewer drains on my overall balance.
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  #125  
Old 13.07.2019, 09:35
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Re: Happy - are you?

In todayís online news: special k to treat depression https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...epression.html
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  #126  
Old 13.07.2019, 16:20
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Re: Happy - are you?

In terms of short-term effects, as opposed to general life-contentment, I find that I tend to be in a happier mood on mornings when I can just sleep until I wake naturally. This, compared with most mornings where I must obey the alarm-clock.
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  #127  
Old 13.07.2019, 20:28
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Re: Happy - are you?

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In todayís online news: special k to treat depression https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...epression.html
Yeah.....itís been available in the US for a while. Iím sure it works for some people. I guess a barrier is the fact that patients need to be monitored for side effects - compliance, and resource issues. Oh, and cost.
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  #128  
Old 14.07.2019, 16:26
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Re: Happy - are you?

I am very happy, lifting the roof of the Royal Albert Hall today. Performing music = instant hapiness.

Doing it for a good charitable cause, also instant hapiness.
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  #129  
Old 15.07.2019, 21:19
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Re: Happy - are you?

I find that dealing with reliable people lifts my mood. It makes me happy when someone knocks on the door at the time they said they would arrive. This is not only because I'm relying on them for the task they promised to do (although I'm happy when they do). There's another level (whether or not they actually go on to achieve the task according to the agreement), namely the fact of their respecting my time and living up to their commitment.

During the past week once, regrettably, I had to call to say I'd be 10 minutes late, and once one person called to say a traffic-jam was going to make him about 15 minutes late. Both those delays were still apologised for courteously. For the rest, I've enjoyed a stunning near-perfect punctuality by everyone.


It also makes me happy when I observe that kind of basic respect amongst others. This week someone left a small gift with me, for someone else who would soon be visiting, and I was happy to hear, later, that she had thanked him immediately afterwards. I get annoyed with myself if I forget something like that.
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  #130  
Old 16.07.2019, 10:15
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Re: Happy - are you?

People watching is a great way to get happy...the deck chairs in Hyde Park make loads of different folks happy. And those feeling antisocial can get away on paddle boats...or watch the ducks instead . I love giant parks in the biggest citties in the world. Those are our happy stations when we travel. And libraries.
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  #131  
Old 16.07.2019, 10:31
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Re: Happy - are you?

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I find that dealing with reliable people lifts my mood. It makes me happy when someone knocks on the door at the time they said they would arrive. This is not only because I'm relying on them for the task they promised to do (although I'm happy when they do). There's another level (whether or not they actually go on to achieve the task according to the agreement), namely the fact of their respecting my time and living up to their commitment.

During the past week once, regrettably, I had to call to say I'd be 10 minutes late, and once one person called to say a traffic-jam was going to make him about 15 minutes late. Both those delays were still apologised for courteously. For the rest, I've enjoyed a stunning near-perfect punctuality by everyone.


It also makes me happy when I observe that kind of basic respect amongst others. This week someone left a small gift with me, for someone else who would soon be visiting, and I was happy to hear, later, that she had thanked him immediately afterwards. I get annoyed with myself if I forget something like that.
So much this ..!! small thing like being on time is sooo important, to me too..

If somebody says they are coming to my place to do xyz at 9.00 .. I expect them between 8.57 and 9.03 .. Jeeeze, it's not hard.
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  #132  
Old 16.07.2019, 10:43
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Re: Happy - are you?

Lol. People feeding into your OCD will make you happy, yes!

Fresh herbs make us so happy. Gawd, I miss cooking. Cooking for others, happy times for me!

Mint.
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  #133  
Old 22.07.2019, 00:33
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Re: Happy - are you?

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Some differences about "happy" are linguistic, too. Like an Englishman saying the day's perfect picnic had been "not bad", which could be misunderstood by other English speakers.
Here's a video illustrating this point. Two men went for a flight in a small plane. The pilot died. The passenger, over 70, with no flying knowledge at all, was guided in by radio and managed to land the plane successfully.
https://youtu.be/Ng3ULAsAUB4
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  #134  
Old 22.07.2019, 07:59
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Re: Happy - are you?

Swimming in the Mediterranean makes me happy.
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  #135  
Old 22.07.2019, 09:53
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Re: Happy - are you?

Science and happiness

https://neurosciencenews.com/human-h...aktOu4swrbZ5Mc
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  #136  
Old 22.07.2019, 12:04
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Re: Happy - are you?

Great article! Thanks, Focus.

One sentence, in particular, made me think again about cultural differences.
"Given the choice between emotional torment and content placidity, I suspect many would prefer the latter."
Well, yes, perhaps, if that torment is all-encompassing.

Yet for members of some cultures a state matching content, placid, pleasant, quiet, even seems to constitute something like happiness, while for others from more lively cultures, things being that way would, in itself, be a kind of torment. For those others, to get near to happiness, activity, bounce, debate, interaction, spark and something a bit wild, are needed, at least now and again.
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Old 22.07.2019, 14:11
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Re: Happy - are you?

Yes, doropfiz, it was a great article. And I do agree with the happiness industry or scam. When expectations are not met then many experience depression.

In my opinion, we need to look to independence. Where we can learn to depend on ourselves. To depend on ourselves. Many of us like to beleieve that we are independent becase we have a car, a job, a house or a fmaiily. But are we truly independent. Our life today depends on dependence. Many in the health field depend on repetitive appointments and meds. Religions depend on dependence.

If you truly depend on yourself then you will find what you are looking for
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  #138  
Old 22.07.2019, 14:39
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Re: Happy - are you?

I think self efficacy - the perception that you can handle things - is a good measure of well-being (which I like rather than happiness). The problem with self efficacy is that it varies for different areas - financial, appearance based, Health, etc.

Maybe resilience is a good way to look at it too. Of course everything is so bound by language.

Albert Bandura did a lot of interesting work on self efficacy. And I think itís separate from personal responsibility which always seems to carry so much blame.
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  #139  
Old 22.07.2019, 15:03
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Re: Happy - are you?

Yes, thank you, edot.

That article has an interesting take, Focus. And I agree, a wonderful thing to be able to be independent. Great to be able to take one's own decisions.

The more I think about it, the more I agree that independence, or the lack thereof, can be central. This is slightly different from one's subjective perception of self-efficacy (which may or may not be an accurate self-assessment). And from the perception, from outside, of whether or not another person "ought" to "just get on with taking personal responsibility". I agree with you, edot, that that all too often smacks of blame.

I observe that when people are truly, unavoidably dependent and must have help from others (when they are too poor to self-finance the basics of life, for example, or if they are ill or injured and need nursing, or need everyday tasks done for them, when they simply lack the ability to spring back, the resilience), and thereby no longer have the power to be self-determined, (in whichever area of life) they are likely to feel frustrated and even trapped.

I remember hearing, years ago, that "cultivated helplessness is manipulative". When one sets aside such people (who are presumably by definition uhappy), there are still those who genuinely are dependent on the help of others, and who, temporarily or permanently, can do nothing or very little from within their own power, to diminish the amount of help they need.

Being able to give help graciously, and to accept it well, takes interpersonal skills.
Being able to discerne whether or not the help is needed, and to advocate for and get/give the right kind of help, sometimes takes a lot of persuasion. Needing to persuade is, in itself, a kind of dependence.

Last edited by doropfiz; 22.07.2019 at 15:19.
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  #140  
Old 22.07.2019, 15:23
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Re: Happy - are you?

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Swimming in the Mediterranean makes me happy.
Yeah, swimming in general is a happiness trigger. Moving. Human bodies are made to move and our chemical balance completely depends on it.

Thinking is similar - brains that have unused capacity struggle to keep happy. The minute they get the right brain food provided, challenges and obstacles, they get happy. Curiosity and creativity makes people happy. Works for me.
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