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-   -   Discovered wife cheating what to do? (https://www.englishforum.ch/family-matters-health/293213-discovered-wife-cheating-what-do.html)

StirB 26.07.2019 17:28

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085965)
Why not ask if you can join in?

...and people mocked me when I said this place had gone to the dogs in recent years.

You have my sympathies OP, terrible situation to find yourself in. The right advice is the more moderate stuff on here of as calmly as possible broaching the subject, seeing where you both stand and if it comes to it, as amicable a separation as possible - recriminations will just end up bankrupting you both.

magic 26.07.2019 17:34

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by StirB (Post 3086093)
...and people mocked me when I said this place had gone to the dogs in recent years.

You have my sympathies OP, terrible situation to find yourself in. The right advice is the more moderate stuff on here of as calmly as possible broaching the subject, seeing where you both stand and if it comes to it, as amicable a separation as possible - recriminations will just end up bankrupting you both.

Very sensible words of advice ...

u360213 26.07.2019 23:14

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by 3Wishes (Post 3086089)
Have you not read the cases recently where the spouse that read the other partner's emails wound up in court and was fined?

Please share how the infidelity in any way impacts the divorce proceedings here in CH, and how keeping a copy of the other person's emails somehow benefits SwissOne.

I've never been divorced here so I'm only going off news articles and what other members have said, and said numerous times with respect to infidelity not being relevant.


Jeepers, calm down tiger! :rolleyes:


You're extrapolating rather a lot from my simple comment!


I didnt say he should print all her emails and drag her through the courts.



Nor did I say he should lock her out, steal her money or shame her. Far from it.



I merely suggested that however this gets sorted out, and hopefully that is a positive resolution, a copy of exactly what was said might be wise ( just for now ) in case the originals are deleted.


Lets say it's all cleared up and forgiven, but then rears its ugly head somewhere further down the line, in my view it might be handy to recall exactly what was said.


It's fine that you dont agree, it's a forum and that's the point, and maybe it makes me a terrible person but thats what I would do ( 1 divorce + 1 Happy marriage 10 years and counting... ).

greenmount 26.07.2019 23:40

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by doropfiz (Post 3085998)
I learnt a new word, greenmount. Grandstand as a verb: "to conduct oneself or perform showily or ostentatiously in an attempt to impress onlookers". I'm not sure I understand it, or perhaps not in this context.

I wish, though, that the so-called jokes of this ilk, whether that of Ace1 on this thread, or of anyone on other threads, would just stop.

No-one can ever know the depths of the suffering of another, and making jests which could deepen someone's pain is just that, cruel.

Yeah, funny word, isn't it, learned it from EF too....I was a bit creative and have used it as a transitive verb to get my point across, probably exasperated (more like bored) by the double standards and the short memory some users of this forum seem to have..Nothing to do with you, doropfiz. But anyway, good to know that people draw the line somewhere, and apparently one of the things they don't joke about is divorce. Well, each to their own.

Most of us have learned to ignore jokes that are not amusing and to move on as if nothing has happened. It's wiser. I do not think people will ever stop making hurtful remarks, jokes, whatever. It's probably better not to amplify things and give them bigger proportions than necessary. But again, that's just me.
I wish we could give OP better advice in regards with all those legalities involved in a divorce. Moral support - I hope he also have friends or relatives who stand by him. Online fora...hmmm, they're good only up to a certain point.

doropfiz 26.07.2019 23:54

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by greenmount (Post 3086142)
Most of us have learned to ignore jokes that are not amusing and to move on as if nothing has happened. It's wiser. I do not think people will ever stop making hurtful remarks, jokes, whatever. It's probably better not to amplify things and give them bigger proportions than necessary. But again, that's just me.

Yes, I think that's a common response to verbal abuse. Certainly there are times when I notice it, am stung by it, but still try to shrug it off and move on, deciding that it's not worth the battle.

And yet, and yet, standing up against nastiness and verbal offence is still the right thing to do (even though I don't always, neither or fora nor in Real Life, manage to do so).

Some who verbally abuse are willfully vicious and enjoy the suffering of others. Such hurters are typically immune to any mirror held up to them. But I don't think that applies to most.

Some who toss out hurtful remarks were just being thoughtless, or uncaring, or haven't stopped to consider the consequences of their meant-to-be-funny remarks. And, yes, the good news is that I do know people who have, indeed, stopped making hurtful remarks at the expense of others after it was pointed out to them (sometimes repeatedly) how cutting or demeaning or compassionless their cruelty was.

It can get better.

KBarb 27.07.2019 02:42

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Gotta stay calm dude, emotions will cloud your judgement. Be careful about how you speak, don't betray yourself by saying too much. If you are certain that she is meeting another, does she somehow want you to know? If so, is it because she wants you to fight for her, or for you to end it? If she doesn't want you to know, then she is unfulfilled and treacherous.

This may to hurt to hear, but your relationship is failing. It is a horrible feeling, this type of thing happens to almost everyone at some point, although your case seems like a brutal example. You are going to have to fight with passion to keep this thing alive, or if you want a divorce, let her cheat and get evidence or catch her in the act. That may not help legally, but it will help peoples perception of you.

If it were me, I would call her out. I think she wants you to know, either consciously or subconsciously. She probably wants a reaction out of you, however childish that seems. Good luck, remember that even the deepest pits of anger and despair have moments of beauty :msntongue:

omtatsat 27.07.2019 07:26

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3085957)
An email popped up on a shared iPad that is setup with her email.

You really think that EF is a place to discuss this?:msncrazy:

olygirl 27.07.2019 11:26

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
She's having an affair and wants a divorce. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HER.

Go through the dark tunnel of grief, get a divorce and then get on with your amazing life. Good luck and hugs.

doropfiz 27.07.2019 12:39

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by olygirl (Post 3086171)
She's having an affair and wants a divorce. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HER.

Go through the dark tunnel of grief, get a divorce and then get on with your amazing life. Good luck and hugs.

She might be having an affair. And she might want a divorce. You might deserve better than her, or you and she might, together, deserve giving and receiving the chance to see whether the marriage can be saved.

Go through the destabilising phase of having the difficult, perhaps even confusing conversations and asking her and hearing, directly from her, what she really does and doesn't want and hope for. Work out for yourself what you do and dont' want and hope for. Tell her that. Resist the temptation to escalate any of your interactions to vitriol.

And then get on with your amazing life, be that a divorce from your wife, or a re-working of another way to work on your marriage.

Your amazing life, however, you look at it, will always be connected to hers, since your lives are connected to those of your children, so the more rationally and amicably you can settle things with your wife (or ex-wife, if that is who she becomes), and the sooner that is possible, the better for all of you, especially for the children.

Good luck.

MusicChick 27.07.2019 13:14

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by KBarb (Post 3086145)
Gotta stay calm dude, emotions will cloud your judgement. Be careful about how you speak, don't betray yourself by saying too much. If you are certain that she is meeting another, does she somehow want you to know? If so, is it because she wants you to fight for her, or for you to end it? If she doesn't want you to know, then she is unfulfilled and treacherous.

This may to hurt to hear, but your relationship is failing. It is a horrible feeling, this type of thing happens to almost everyone at some point, although your case seems like a brutal example. You are going to have to fight with passion to keep this thing alive, or if you want a divorce, let her cheat and get evidence or catch her in the act. That may not help legally, but it will help peoples perception of you.

If it were me, I would call her out. I think she wants you to know, either consciously or subconsciously. She probably wants a reaction out of you, however childish that seems. Good luck, remember that even the deepest pits of anger and despair have moments of beauty :msntongue:

I like that sentence. Sounds like it came out of Wuthering Heights.

Either way, not everyone would be inclined to play some kind of chasing game, OP sounds sad and tired, worried about the kids. I doubt that he was all that surprised by the whole thing, though. Shared IPad? Going straight to the EF with this? Where are your real life friends, OP - hang onto them.

Blueangel 27.07.2019 14:03

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicChick (Post 3086185)
Shared IPad? Going straight to the EF with this? Where are your real life friends, OP - hang onto them.

Real life friends and family can be a minefield of loyalties at a time like this.

I was very close to my ex-husband's family, but never spoke to any of them about the separation and divorce until it was all over. I believed that he would need them in the days to come, and it wasn't my place to go bad mouthing him to them. They had to believe his version of events or it could have destroyed their family unit. In hindsight, I'm glad I did it that way. They came out of it hating the other woman and having a lot of understanding for me.

As for 'straight to EF'...the beginning of my divorce was played out online by the other woman on a local forum, and that was in 2002. It took a concerted effort by friends to have her account banned and all her posts removed. As long as the OPs posts aren't too malicious, the anonymity can be a way of bouncing around ideas, thoughts and feelings, and 'getting all your ducks in a row'. I believe the OP has conducted himself very well so far and hope this continues. On the other side of wherever the OPs marriage goes, he will need to have a great big dollop of self-respect intact for his own sake.

John_H 27.07.2019 14:45

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
On a lighter note, on the danger of reading peoples mail.. My wife once confronted me after reading my mail, all of the dating sites I was a member of, all of the ladies waiting to meet me, ladies sending me their private links etc..

Yeah it was my spam folder :-)

omtatsat 27.07.2019 14:53

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
What a shit boring theme. If you want sex counselling get a professional. But not here!

Rjellsch 27.07.2019 15:40

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueangel (Post 3086078)
Please ignore the above from Rjellsch. It's a long way from being helpful in your current predicament.

Ignoring it would be a mistake. He should at least consider the perspective and the real-world ramifications of his situation. It is an absolute shit-sandwich. Most of the posts here would be more appropriate for a bad Hallmark channel rescript.

He could have taken control of the situation in a non-destructive way. Maybe he did so. Otherwise, he may as well change his screen name to Doormat. No one deserves to live that way.

Also note that nothing I wrote precludes him from saving his marriage or having some tender moments of reflection. I did not advise to act out of anger, malice, plot revenge scenarios, or abandon the children. I just think he should have radically changed his situation before dealing with her.

SwissOne 27.07.2019 18:43

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Lots of mutual friends so not easy also most have kids and busy lives. Met up with a friend last night and one of her friends both divorced and chatted about all this and many other topics was a good night back out again with some friend again today and tonight and coping a bit better. The offending email was deleted which is good just think we need to go our separate ways. Will be tough but I still have time to enjoy the rest of my life.

MusicChick 27.07.2019 18:50

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
How things developed is never just one person's fault. :)

doropfiz 27.07.2019 19:54

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086271)
... just think we need to go our separate ways. Will be tough but I still have time to enjoy the rest of my life.

Having discussed it with your wife, do you now know, for sure
  • within yourself, and
  • from hearing it directly from your wife,
that both you and she definitely do want to divorce?

jacek 27.07.2019 20:18

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Sorry OP about your situation and predicament with divorce!
There are lots of good advices here but be aware of funny ones and try to ignore the mocking ones.
If I were you, I would go by my instincts, you know the situation better. I would try to put my feelings aside for now and think rationally about the next steps. More importantly, I would consult a lawyer for a legal advice. Good luck with every step in this process ;)

JagWaugh 27.07.2019 20:31

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
If you think you don't want a divorce, then you have two questions to ask yourself: Do you still have the capacity to trust the other, and, is the other trustworthy?

Without trust, it's over.

doropfiz 27.07.2019 20:39

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
I agree that if trust is not there - or cannot be re-gained through sensible, plausible and realistic steps - then there will be no future to the marriage.

However, there's a third question: can trust be re-built?
And the sub-question thereto is: if so, what would it take from each side, to achieve that?


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