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-   -   Discovered wife cheating what to do? (https://www.englishforum.ch/family-matters-health/293213-discovered-wife-cheating-what-do.html)

SwissOne 26.07.2019 07:01

Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
She met someone on a business trip. Then did a private trip abroad to meet with him as he does not live here.

She is away with a female friend at the moment, coming back today, then will go meet him tomorrow and stay overnight as he is coming here.

She is not aware that I know. She also wants a divorce.

How does this affect the divorce process ?

Feel like my heart is being torn apart.

Guest 26.07.2019 07:07

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Oh mate

Medea Fleecestealer 26.07.2019 07:52

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Doesn't affect it at all as far as I know.

https://www.ch.ch/en/divorce/

Question may be how you found out. If it was reading her e-mails then you could be in trouble.

https://www.englishforum.ch/daily-li...-s-emails.html

MusicChick 26.07.2019 08:40

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
OP - she might as well know now. It is not like that this communication is very discrete here.

SwissOne 26.07.2019 08:54

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
An email popped up on a shared iPad that is setup with her email.

Ace1 26.07.2019 09:25

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Why not ask if you can join in?

krlock3 26.07.2019 09:34

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085965)
Why not ask if you can join in?

That is a totally inappropriate remark, especially for a moderator. I am struggling not to call you an idiot.

MusicChick 26.07.2019 09:37

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085965)
Why not ask if you can join in?

I don't think the OP is in a state of mind to appreciate that at least he knows. And get the hell away from somebody uncommitted keeping him in a limbo and drip-feeding the BS for years.

Or what have you had in mind?

Jim2007 26.07.2019 09:39

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085965)
Why not ask if you can join in?

Probably time to consider your position.

magic 26.07.2019 09:48

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Talk to her nicely, I know it is hard and I feel for you.

Agree to the divorce and get it done by mutual agreement and fast.

The more time goes by and the more other parties get involved, especially lawyers the more expensive it will become, not to mention the heartache.

I speak from a position of deep and bitter experience, seven years on I am still not free.

Ace1 26.07.2019 09:51

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by krlock3 (Post 3085966)
That is a totally inappropriate remark, especially for a moderator. I am struggling not to call you an idiot.

Bloody hell, SOH failure or what?

st2lemans 26.07.2019 09:53

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3085940)
How does this affect the divorce process ?

It doesn't.

Tom

Mikers 26.07.2019 09:55

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085973)
Bloody hell, SOH failure or what?

Normally thats a fair point and I'm the first to make light hearted jokes out of serous situations myself, but something about the way the first posting is made - to me at least - makes this seem that this is a genuinely upset person who has just found out a very very sad piece of information. Honestly, I think the chap needs some technical advice and probably a bit of sympathy right now. I am sure there would be times for looking at the gallows humour side of it later.

doropfiz 26.07.2019 09:57

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3085940)
Feel like my heart is being torn apart.

Wow, that's a terrible situation to be in.

Strictly legally speaking, in Switzerland, extra-marital relationships have no bearing at all on the divorce, not procedurally, nor financially. With the exception of physical violence, which is considered very seriously, the Swiss laws and courts do not use the concept of blame, at all.

Emotionally, feeling betrayed may very well have an influence, of course, on how you go about this divorce… if it happens.

Although it might not feel like this to you, right now, it is probably worth talking to your wife, asking her to tell you what's going on and explain how she feels. And if you can muster it, try to do this with as few accusations as possible.

There is always a small chance that you have misunderstood the mail you read, and that there is some other explanation. That may sound far-fetched to you, right now, but I have been there, done that, when the person who was visiting was, in fact, just a cousin and not a lover.

Even if your wife is having an affair or a relationship, it may well be better if you hear what it is about.

If "just" an affair, a fling, then yes, that hurts, yet some couples go on to find out what that is about, what happened that it got that far, what's missing, and some marriages actually work well enough afterwards, once they've spoken honestly about it all.

Even if your wife is having a real relationship and even if she is certain about wanting a divorce from you, the pain about the matter can sometimes be lessened when the parting couple can establish a dialogue about what's happening, or, more to the point, about where things will go from here. This latter is especially important if there are children involved (and permits).

I wish you courage. If you can, try to get support from your circle of friends or family, from anyone who will help you not to do anything rash right now, until you've managed to understand all the information, and to figure out your own feelings.

krlock3 26.07.2019 10:01

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085973)
Bloody hell, SOH failure or what?

I think the failure in this case is on your part to understand that your reponse is stupid and heartless.

doropfiz 26.07.2019 10:02

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Please, Ace1, just stop.

Susie-Q 26.07.2019 10:07

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3085957)
An email popped up on a shared iPad that is setup with her email.

Ah... the iCloud, responsible for countless splits and divorces.

So sorry to hear, really. Wishing you peace in this difficult time.

Jim2007 26.07.2019 10:34

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085973)
Bloody hell, SOH failure or what?

Like I said, time to consider your position!

greenmount 26.07.2019 11:00

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mikers (Post 3085976)
Normally thats a fair point and I'm the first to make light hearted jokes out of serous situations myself, but something about the way the first posting is made - to me at least - makes this seem that this is a genuinely upset person who has just found out a very very sad piece of information. Honestly, I think the chap needs some technical advice and probably a bit of sympathy right now. I am sure there would be times for looking at the gallows humour side of it later.

You see, the thing with these "light-hearted" jokes is that usually they're not appreciated by those who are on the receiving end.

That being said, I think Ace1's joke was just a joke, that maybe OP will take it lightly - who knows (after all he was a third wheel in this relation whether you like it or not), and most EFers here are not in the position to grandstand Ace. Lots of cruel jokes around, when the victim seems helpless/not backed up by anyone. Just saying.

OP,

Time to slowly move on with your life, think of your marriage as something that was beautiful while it lasted! Maybe some things happen for a reason, she clearly wasn't committed to it and now you know. Better later than never.
As for the divorce, if you don't have children and are in agreement on how to split common assets, it should be a very smooth process. In time, you'll be convinced that it's not the end of the world and there are plenty of women out there.

henk 26.07.2019 11:07

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Wouldn't call it a "light-hearted" joke at all, but maybe there should be another thread about moderators making prick remarks out of respect to OP...

doropfiz 26.07.2019 11:11

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
I learnt a new word, greenmount. Grandstand as a verb: "to conduct oneself or perform showily or ostentatiously in an attempt to impress onlookers". I'm not sure I understand it, or perhaps not in this context.

I wish, though, that the so-called jokes of this ilk, whether that of Ace1 on this thread, or of anyone on other threads, would just stop.

No-one can ever know the depths of the suffering of another, and making jests which could deepen someone's pain is just that, cruel.

AbFab 26.07.2019 12:04

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace1 (Post 3085973)
Bloody hell, SOH failure or what?

I‘m up for jokes on most subjects, but mental health, cancer and marital break-up on not on my list having been too close to these subjects...

SwissOne 26.07.2019 12:20

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Thanks for your kind replies. There are children involved. Will talk to her to see if my suspicions are correct and see what she has to say... tempted to do this on the patio so after I can hand her a set of keys belonging to her friend (who's away and wanted post checking, they live a few doors awa

SwissOne 26.07.2019 12:26

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086014)
Thanks for your kind replies. There are children involved. Will talk to her to see if my suspicions are correct and see what she has to say... tempted to do this on the patio so after I can hand her a set of keys belonging to her friend (who's away and wanted post checking, they live a few doors away

sorry on phone and posted accidentally before finished

And then lock her out the house with no phone, purse etc.. But guess that would only get me in trouble.


What I need is to get this over with and move on, but not easy

doropfiz 26.07.2019 12:29

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Yes, don't give in to that temptation.
Be sure to listen to her side of things. Your doing so will pave the way for sensible solutions about the children.

John_H 26.07.2019 12:35

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086015)
sorry on phone and posted accidentally before finished

And then lock her out the house with no phone, purse etc.. But guess that would only get me in trouble.


What I need is to get this over with and move on, but not easy

Think that will gain you no more than a few minutes of amusement followed by more hassle for you.

You already knew she wanted a divorce before finding out this stuff? The timing was co-incidental, seeing this email?

As others said, just be careful around admitting what you know and how you know it.

Jim2007 26.07.2019 12:43

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086015)
sorry on phone and posted accidentally before finished

And then lock her out the house with no phone, purse etc.. But guess that would only get me in trouble.


What I need is to get this over with and move on, but not easy

What is done is done and no amount of animosity is going to change it. Since you have kids, your partner is going to be in your life for the foreseeable future, so you need to do your best to act with restraint.

Rjellsch 26.07.2019 12:49

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Air BnB. At least you have 48 hours to pack and move out. Like a ghost. Empty the safe on your way out the door and burn it to the ground.


Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3085940)
She met someone on a business trip. Then did a private trip abroad to meet with him as he does not live here.

She is away with a female friend at the moment, coming back today, then will go meet him tomorrow and stay overnight as he is coming here.

She is not aware that I know. She also wants a divorce.

How does this affect the divorce process ?

Feel like my heart is being torn apart.


Blueangel 26.07.2019 13:08

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086015)
And then lock her out the house with no phone, purse etc.. But guess that would only get me in trouble.

Totally, completely illegal. Under no circumstances should you lock her out.

You have a couple of days thinking time. Use them wisely.
Right now, you're feelings are hurt and you're straying down the revenge route. Stop now! There are children involved and they shouldn't see or be aware of any of this if it can possibly be avoided. Can you pack them off to their grandparents for a few days?

1. If it makes you feel better and proactive, rather than locking her out, walk around your home taking photos of everything and logging them. Say it's for insurance purposes.

2. You say your wife is having a few days with a female friend before meeting the other person? This sounds like she's making a decision, and for all you know right now, she may be deciding to end the affair and work at your marriage. Had you even thought of that or considered it? What if she's made a terrible mistake? The day before you were aware of all this, were you still in love with your wife? If you were, fight for her and fight for your marriage. The biggest regrets I hear from divorced friends are "I wish I'd got out sooner" or "I wish I'd fought harder for my marriage".

Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086015)
What I need is to get this over with and move on, but not easy

Why?
If you decide divorce is the only solution, this is your life from now on.

Calm down. Don't do anything rash. If the children are with you, get them to a safe place. Be prepared to say your piece calmly and listen to your wife calmly. You owe each other that much. You owe it to your children. Book counselling...I'm serious. Use everything you can to take the heat out of this situation.

Cata1yst 26.07.2019 13:12

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086014)
Thanks for your kind replies. There are children involved.

It's hard but...this should be your primary focus, for now... ensure these children are protected. Focus your love and energies on them, spend time with them. The rest of the storm will come soon enough.

Pick a neutral location for any difficult discussions about next steps (avoid this in the home due to the children), cut out the anger and be prepared to walk away if she's not being reasonable or you think you may say something that will inflame the situation.

Be prepared and have a clear plan for what you want to say and stick to it.

I'm guessing by your details I may know you in "real life". If you want to talk or an escape for a beer, send me a PM.

By reaching out to an anonymous internet forum it seems you're looking for emotional support.

You should talk to close friends and family who act neutrally and will think clearly where you may not be able to. If you can't do that there are counseling options out there, it may be worthwhile using them.

SwissOne 26.07.2019 13:34

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Thanks everyone taking it all in, just full of so many emotions and need to take a deep breath and find a way to move forward. May pm for that beer, thks for offer.

u360213 26.07.2019 14:08

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Difficult situation, sorry.


Just a thought that it's probably worth printing off the offending emails or forwarding to a secure address of your own. They may be relevant later.

3Wishes 26.07.2019 14:16

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by u360213 (Post 3086043)
Difficult situation, sorry.

Just a thought that it's probably worth printing off the offending emails or forwarding to a secure address of your own. They may be relevant later.

I disagree. Infidelity doesn't impact divorce in CH. We've had a couple of threads recently addressing this. If it's determined he was snooping, even on a shared device, he could land in hot water.

Guest 26.07.2019 15:12

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086015)
sorry on phone and posted accidentally before finished

And then lock her out the house with no phone, purse etc.. But guess that would only get me in trouble.


What I need is to get this over with and move on, but not easy

What will that gain you apart from making a shitty situation even shittier ?

Revenge is best after time and consideration, a plate best eaten cold ;)

Rjellsch 26.07.2019 16:10

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SwissOne (Post 3086014)
Thanks for your kind replies. There are children involved. Will talk to her to see if my suspicions are correct and see what she has to say... tempted to do this on the patio so after I can hand her a set of keys belonging to her friend (who's away and wanted post checking, they live a few doors awa

What do you mean by your “suspicions”? You described calculated, repetitive cheating. And what makes you think she’d even tell you the truth? If she tells you that you’re just being silly and paranoid what are you going to do? Statistically, it’s almost guaranteed this isn’t her first time out of bounds either way.

With this talk about patios, listening, locking her out, etc. you need a reality check. Your marriage as you knew it is over. Who why or how doesn’t really matter. Everything has changed. Every business trip. Every work function. Unless you really shake things up in the next 48 hours, you are looking at a never ending nightmare of soul sapping misery.

Jim2007 26.07.2019 16:43

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Revenge is best after time and consideration, a plate best eaten cold ;)
I’d prefer to serve it cold....

Blueangel 26.07.2019 16:52

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Please ignore the above from Rjellsch. It's a long way from being helpful in your current predicament.

You've got a lot of talking, crying, soul searching and listening to do in the coming days. Coming at it from a place of resentment and anger will not serve you well now or in the future.

My parents split up over my father's infidelity. His mother was more angry than my mother was and interfered too much. My parents got back together after 3 days and went on to be stronger and happier together than before, so I know a marriage can be repaired, not always, but it can. I'm in my 50s and my parents are long past now, but I can still clearly remember the arguments between them and overly dramatic scenes from my grandmother. Spare your children that much.

Two days after the affair was revealed, 4 of my dad's closest friends took my mum for a night out to where they knew he would be. They told him straight that he'd made a mistake.

In hindsight, what strikes me still is how calm my father was at the time. He was actually relieved to be found out because it meant he could end the affair without the fear of the other woman telling my mum. Granted, it should never have happened, but he fought for his marriage and fought to keep his family together. I will always respect him for that.

Blueangel 26.07.2019 16:55

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jim2007
I’d prefer to serve it cold....

I prefer to not serve it all and keep my distance. When they do come a cropper in time...and it always happens...I like knowing that I had no part in their downfall.

3Wishes 26.07.2019 17:24

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by u360213 (Post 3086043)
Difficult situation, sorry.

Just a thought that it's probably worth printing off the offending emails or forwarding to a secure address of your own. They may be relevant later.

Have you not read the cases recently where the spouse that read the other partner's emails wound up in court and was fined?

Please share how the infidelity in any way impacts the divorce proceedings here in CH, and how keeping a copy of the other person's emails somehow benefits SwissOne.

I've never been divorced here so I'm only going off news articles and what other members have said, and said numerous times with respect to infidelity not being relevant.

Guest 26.07.2019 17:25

Re: Discovered wife cheating what to do?
 
Bit like beer....of which i had far too much yesterday :msnsick:


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