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Old 16.11.2019, 20:22
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Leaving children alone

My -ex- has gone for a long weekend to the UK and my other two children, daughter 13 and son age 15 are home alone.

Apparently someone comes by once an evening to check they are okay.

Surely this is not enough, is this even allowed?

My daughter is quite distressed at the moment. I sent my son 16+ to check on them.

I was/am trying to get them to come over to my apartment for the rest of the weekend.

Is this allowed to just leave like this with an adult being present for so long?
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Old 16.11.2019, 20:48
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Re: Leaving children alone

Generally it is not forbidden. It all comes down to how the kids are about it. In this case it is clear kids are not fine with it so I would make sure they come over to your place if possible. How far is it? Or can you go there and sleep on the couch?
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Old 16.11.2019, 20:52
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Re: Leaving children alone

Tell them to call the police. If your daughter is not happy with the situation then your ex had absolutely no business leaving them alone.
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Old 16.11.2019, 21:07
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Re: Leaving children alone

13 is far too young and 15 not responsible enough.
Are you the parent ? Go collect them.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:02
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Re: Leaving children alone

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13 is far too young and 15 not responsible enough.
I agree with this part. Not always, for all children, but often. And most especially since this particular family has been through a lot, and right now one or both children is/are distressed about it.

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Are you the parent ? Go collect them.
Yes, but with caution. As I recall from other threads, this is a divorce with much trouble and a lot of people involved. If there is no ruling that you may not go there (perhaps your ex has specified that you should not), then by all means go and fetch the children. Or else meet them nearby.

Since the overall situation is difficult, I'd advise that you, as parent, and the children, try to call someone who is supposed to deal with the formal matters, e.g. the social worker or, since it is the weekend, the police. Or call the Elternnotruf, or they children can call the childline, to say what is going on.

In any case register, somewhere, before you act, (and preferably in writing) that
  1. one or both of the children is/are distressed
  2. they appealed to you for help
  3. so as not to rock the boat you first sent the 16-year-old over
  4. since the daughter is still distressed, you decided that you cannot reasonably leave the children alone
  5. you are meeting them to fetch them, either there at their place or 200m down the road, or at the police station, etc.
  6. you will take them to your home to stay there for as long as their mother is away
  7. you will ensure that after their mother has returned home, the two children who live with her will return to their mother's home by TIME on DATE.

I say this specifically because you have already been in the situation where your word was not believed. You have a difficult balance to keep, this weekend. One one hand you're trying to do the right thing by your children, as their father and keep them safe. On the other, you need to ensure, as best you can, that your intention is clear, documented and deposited/registered somewhere, so that your protecting your children now cannot later be twisted and used against you.

Phone and mail helpline for parents:
Dial 0848 35 45 55
https://www.elternnotruf.ch/

Phone and mail helpline for children:
Dial 147
https://www.projuventute.ch/Beratung...47.1377.0.html

Phone and mail helpline for anyone:
Dial 143
https://www.143.ch/
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:02
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Re: Leaving children alone

When mine were 11 and 13, I regularly left them alone for up to a week alone, two when a few years older.

13/15, two weeks no problem.

Totally legal.

Tom
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:07
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Re: Leaving children alone

Legal maybe. But decent, only if they're happy with it. And arrangements are made so that action can be taken if they later become unhappy with it.

Anything else is just neglect. Which isn't legal.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:16
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Re: Leaving children alone

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When mine were 11 and 13, I regularly left them alone for up to a week alone, two when a few years older.

13/15, two weeks no problem.

Totally legal.

Tom
Tom, the difference is twofold.

Your children knew, from the emotional safety of the steady relationship with you, "where they were at". Magic's children, on the other hand, have been through a great deal of turmoil during the past few years, which has been, at the very least, deeply unsettling.

Your children felt fine about coping alone. Magic's children are, right now, distressed by the situation.

Children are all different, and we all grow up in fits and starts, and can suffer setbacks which can leave us feeling vulnerable. For these reasons, I agree that while it may very well not have been at all neglectful of you to have left your children alone, since they were confident and coping, Magic's children do, indeed, need him to intervene.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:26
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Re: Leaving children alone

All children are different. Heightened anxiety and stress means something is wrong and the children/teenagers require support and need to know they have adults who care.

Age has nothing to do with it. To say otherwise is complete and utter bollox.

My 15 year old could get himself half way across the country, through an airport, on a flight, train or bus.. no question. My friend's 15 year old would not manage getting to the next town without stressing out. And so what? Non of it matters a damn. If a kid is stressed and anxious, they need support ASAP.

I would call the authorities and let them know, magic. Especially if your hands are tied and you're unable to go near your ex wife's house.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:27
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Re: Leaving children alone

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... you sanctimonious bitches. Tom
What an odd thing to write.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:28
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Re: Leaving children alone

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Total rubbish, you clearly have no clue.

BTDT, my kids are now 26 and 29, so survived just fine, you sanctimonious bitches.

Tom
Harsh. Very harsh. And rather dickish of you to take this tone.

Just because it's something you regularly did and your kids are "fine" it doesn't follow that that is the same for everyone. I personally think it's irresponsible to leave 11 and 13 year olds alone for a week. You clearly do not.


Edit: yes Swisstree I agree. At 14 I was fine home alone. At 14 my brother would not have coped.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:31
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Re: Leaving children alone

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All children are different.

.... And so what? Non of it matters a damn. If a kid is stressed and anxious, they need support ASAP.

I would call the authorities and let them know, magic. Especially if your hands are tied and you're unable to go near your ex wife's house.
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yes Swisstree I agree. At 14 I was fine home alone. At 14 my brother would not have coped.
Exactly. Even within my family, I can think of people now adults who'd have managed just fine alone as young teenagers (including me) and others who would have been distressed and not known how to manage. And it doesn't matter who grows up faster or slower or who copes or doesn't, and even that can change and be better or worse at different phases of life.

The child's needs go first. This evening, Magic's children are feeling stressed and anxious. That's enough reason to conclude that they need parental intervention.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:37
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Re: Leaving children alone

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Total rubbish, you clearly have no clue.

BTDT, my kids are now 26 and 29, so survived just fine, you sanctimonious bitches.

Tom
That remark is totally uncalled for. Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean it would work for other people.
11 and 13 is young to be left home alone for a week for most kids.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:51
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Re: Leaving children alone

I used to have weeks alone when I was 13. Or at least weekends. Sure, I'd consider myself to have been on the 1% of the "independent" level for such age, but with 15 I was pretty much already working in a "Lehre", earning money, and definitely not giving a rats a** about anyone "supervising" me - and could clearly have been responsible for others.

About your kids, they definitely seem to be more than taken care of. And they're even checked once a day..

Of course it depends how independent your kids are. But with 15, you definitely should be able to take care of your younger sibling. Otherwise, my personal feeling is that they're behind in their evolution of becoming independant people. Had they been 13 and 11 it might be different..

But 15? Thats when you already started your apprentiship, you're WELL on your way to become an adult, and unless the parents SERIOUSLY sugercoated you (too much, imho) you should be absolutely ready to take responsibility for your 13 year old sibling for a short period like a week.
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Old 16.11.2019, 22:56
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Re: Leaving children alone

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I used to have weeks alone when I was 13. Or at least weekends. Sure, I'd consider myself to have been on the 1% of the "independent" level for such age, but with 15 I was pretty much already working in a "Lehre", earning money, and definitely not giving a rats a** about anyone "supervising" me - and could clearly have been responsible for others.

About your kids, they definitely seem to be more than taken care of. And they're even checked once a day..

If anything, your kids are over supervised.
Great, good for you. Your experience is your experience. Not all kids are the same and mature at different rates and have different emotional needs.

How the hell would you know what is good for someone else's kids?

Are people being deliberately thick in this thread, or what?
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Old 16.11.2019, 23:00
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Re: Leaving children alone

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Great, good for you. Your experience is your experience. Not all kids are the same and mature at different rates and have different emotional needs.

How the hell would you know what is good for someone else's kids?

Are people being deliberately thick in this thread, or what?
Yep. A great deal of "if it's all right for one" etc.

The youngest is distressed, end of. Intervention seems to be needed.
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Old 16.11.2019, 23:04
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Re: Leaving children alone

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Great, good for you. Your experience is your experience. Not all kids are the same and mature at different rates and have different emotional needs.

How the hell would you know what is good for someone else's kids?

Are people being deliberately thick in this thread, or what?
The basic question was if it's allowed.

And yes, it definitely is.

Indeed, some Children are not becoming independent as fast as others. But for me, a 15 year old definitely should be able to take care of him/herself and his 13 year old sibling, otherwise definitely NOT being on average level for his age.

I work with Children in this age (15-17) and even the youngest are perfectly capable of handling themselves, and from all my talks with them would be more than fine to spend a weekend alone. In fact, I would be VERY surprised if they even liked to get checked every evening..
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Old 16.11.2019, 23:10
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Re: Leaving children alone

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The basic question was if it's allowed.

And yes, it definitely is.

Indeed, some Children are not becoming independent as fast as others. But for me, a 15 year old definitely should be able to take care of him/herself and his 13 year old sibling, otherwise definitely NOT being on average level for his age.

I work with Children in this age (15-17) and even the youngest are perfectly capable of handling themselves, and from all my talks with them would be more than fine to spend a weekend alone. In fact, I would be VERY surprised if they even liked to get checked every evening..
Again bollocks. I have taught teenagers for years in three different countries and have oodles of experiences of that age group, so what?!

Your experience is your experience. End of.

Nothing at all to do with the OP or his children's situation.
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Old 16.11.2019, 23:16
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Re: Leaving children alone

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The basic question was if it's allowed.

And yes, it definitely is.

Indeed, some Children are not becoming independent as fast as others. But for me, a 15 year old definitely should be able to take care of him/herself and his 13 year old sibling, otherwise definitely NOT being on average level for his age.

I work with Children in this age (15-17) and even the youngest are perfectly capable of handling themselves, and from all my talks with them would be more than fine to spend a weekend alone. In fact, I would be VERY surprised if they even liked to get checked every evening..
BS. All your talks?

I've worked with this age group for years too: some are able to run small countries. Some are unable to find their own country on a map. YMMV, basically. And caring for someone younger is a huge responsibility.
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Old 16.11.2019, 23:19
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Re: Leaving children alone

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Again bollocks. I have taught teenagers for years in three different countries and have oodles of experiences of that age group, so what?!

Your experience is your experience. End of.

Nothing at all to do with the OP or his children's situation.
On the risk of repeating myself.

OP was asking if it's allowed.

Yes, it is.

Not sure why you keep insisting some kids might not be ready at that age (which definitely is true, sadly - overparenting can hurt a childrens evolution brutally) - but that wasn't the question here.

Sometimes, it's good to be thrown into cold water - even if it doesn't really appear cold to me here. Maybe lukewarm. OP seems to be of a overanxious parent (because in a divorce?) that wants to protect his children, even though they might actually profit from some time alone.

Unless the 13-year old wrote him stuff like "my 15 year old brother party hard and his friends are bothering me" - in which case POLICE should be involved, not himself - it shouldn't hurt if they're spending a weekend alone.

In my opinion, anyone that didn't got overly "sugar-coated" should be ready for a weekend alone (and take care of a 13 year old sibling) at the age of 15.

Sure everyones development is different, but 15 year olds aren't small kids anymore.
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