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  #21  
Old 23.06.2020, 13:14
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Re: child custody

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I think you're very wise. I think as soon as she finds a partner herself (yes, prepare yourself for that moment too if it didn't come already...) she will warm up to more "equalitarian" arrangements.

Don't forget the system will protect the Swiss parent first and foremost, besides she's the mother and the law does seem to favour mothers.

Time will solve many things that appear very complicated now.
Hm.

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- I have many concerns around my childs upbringing with his mother and her new partner.
- Unbelievably my son has told me that the new partner has been farting on him, often in his face.
- I raised this with his mother and got no reply. After a week I messaged her again when quite incredibly she told me that her new partner “would try to eat less beans”
- I also raised it with his school. His teacher spoke to him on Friday and he confirmed to her that it was true. She told him to tell this man never to do this to him again. I dont know if that is the end of it for the School or not.
- On further discussion with my son he also told me that on occasions this man punishes him by making him stand against the wall with his nose touching it until he tells him he can move.
Does help to read a post before replying to it.
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  #22  
Old 23.06.2020, 13:26
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Re: child custody

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I think you're very wise. I think as soon as she finds a partner herself (yes, prepare yourself for that moment too if it didn't come already...) she will warm up to more "equalitarian" arrangements.
.

According to his post she already has a partner who's behaviour Swish is concerned about and his concern was the reason for him posting! Partner farting in face of a 6 year old and making him stand still with his nose touching the wall until the partner allows him to move. I really do not get mother's who would allow anyone to do that to their child
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  #23  
Old 23.06.2020, 13:33
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Re: child custody

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Hm.



Does help to read a post before replying to it.
Yes. But this is exactly my exasperation.

If the KESB, KJZ, School or Court take no action on those matters, they never will. On anything.

And as mentioned my life will be constantly disrupted. Giving up is not who I am, but I have a life to get on with without the ex using our child as a stick to beat me with when she feels like causing a Drama. This has been going on for almost 7 years now.

So best to give her full custody, secure my Visitation and let her get on with it.

As I mentioned previously unless People have been through the System they wont fully understand it.
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  #24  
Old 23.06.2020, 13:51
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Re: child custody

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Yes. But this is exactly my exasperation.

If the KESB, KJZ, School or Court take no action on those matters, they never will. On anything.

And as mentioned my life will be constantly disrupted. Giving up is not who I am, but I have a life to get on with without the ex using our child as a stick to beat me with when she feels like causing a Drama. This has been going on for almost 7 years now.

So best to give her full custody, secure my Visitation and let her get on with it.

As I mentioned previously unless People have been through the System they wont fully understand it.
And you think she still can't/won't do this if she has sole custody? She may well screw you around on visiting your son (plenty of threads here where that happens) and then what are you going to do? Walk away from him completely; just coughing up the monthly maintenance and that's all?
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  #25  
Old 23.06.2020, 14:00
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Re: child custody

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Yes. But this is exactly my exasperation.

If the KESB, KJZ, School or Court take no action on those matters, they never will. On anything.

And as mentioned my life will be constantly disrupted. Giving up is not who I am, but I have a life to get on with without the ex using our child as a stick to beat me with when she feels like causing a Drama. This has been going on for almost 7 years now.

So best to give her full custody, secure my Visitation and let her get on with it.

As I mentioned previously unless People have been through the System they wont fully understand it.
I fail to see written here that you would be concerned about how your son feels about it. Time to realize children know what "giving up custody" means and they have to live with it.

He is your son. Your new baby and new wife came after him. This is how he will see it.

If you want to have an effect on your ex wife in terms of her new partner's behavior towards your son, giving up parental custody is not the way to go. Kids see it as abandonment.

I understand your situation and I think what you need is to find support for yourself, before you make any decision that will most of all affect your son.
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  #26  
Old 23.06.2020, 16:15
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Re: child custody

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Hm.


Does help to read a post before replying to it.
Sorry, I have skipped the post with the partner. It can happen, Medea!!! lol. Jesus. The thread was started by someone else and revived by someone in a similar situation, it was easy to get distracted.

I stand by my advice though - the person I replied to seemed to have reached his own conclusions which I agreed with.

I'm glad other people came along to add their own opinions, which may be more valuable than mine since I'm not divorced and don't have to share custody.

I basically agreed with these lines, so maybe next time you'll bother to understand what people agree with? Just a thought, don't take it very seriously.

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Sole custody with visitation.

Joint custody can only work if the parents want it to. When there is a difficult parent as in my case she can rock the boat and disturb my life as much as she wants and the system does nothing to protect against it.

Which I’m very tired and weary of. So maybe standing back and letting her get on with it is the best thing to do

Last edited by greenmount; 23.06.2020 at 16:31.
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  #27  
Old 24.06.2020, 01:02
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Re: child custody

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In short - no one is doing anything anyway. What can I do?
  1. Buy your son some clothes. Over and over again as he grows. Pay attention to his shoes, too. They don't have to be massively expensive if you buy them from second-hand sources.

    Regardless of whether anyone else (your ex, the school, KESB, the Courts, social workers, anyone else at all) is putting the best interests of the child first, you should be doing so. Leaving a child to go to school in dirty, ill-fitting clothing is neglect.

    If your child arrived to see you hungry, from neglect of not having been fed, you would give him something to eat. If he came to you exhausted, from not having been allowed to sleep, you would put him to bed. Providing him with clothing is the same. It is basic level care. The fact that your ex does not ensure that he has clean, properly fitting clothes is a poor show. I cannot see any reason (other than if you don't have a penny to your name) why you, seeing that neglect, would not step in and provide clothing for your child.

  2. Stay in your son's life, so that you can assert his right to see you often, and can be there to try to protect him, and to teach him how to be a full, reasonable, good person. The further you go away (I mean that by reducing your contact to only some limited visitation rights) the less influence you will have on what he learns and how he develops.

  3. Do not give up legal rights to your child. I cannot see any advantage to your son, if you do that.

    I think MusicChick makes a very important point: how the boy will see it, and how it will be, for him, growing up into a man. He knows that he is living in difficult circumstances, and he knows that you know about them. Why would you walk away? Why would you choose to minimise all legal ways to protect the child? I doubt that the boy himself would believe this to be in his best interests.

    If your ex is lacking in her care for your son, if she is neglectful or mean, irrational or vitriolic, then it seems to me that these are all the more reason for you to help protect your son, rather than being reasons for you to withdraw.

    It could be that I'm missing some of what you say, but your suggestion of - and reasons for - giving up legal rights over your son seem to me to equate to meaning:
    "Sorry, son, your mom isn't taking care of you, and she bugs me too. I don't like that. I can't take any more. So I'm not going to take part in thinking about any important decisions about your life. I'm also not going to see you so often, and you can just come and visit me for half the school holidays. After all, I've got other things to think about. So good luck coping with her, all on your own!"

Disclaimer:
Posts in internet fora are necessarily merely a sketch, and outline of the circumstances. Therefore, I realise that I've heard only a part of your long, long, tedious story.

If I've misunderstood your situation, and if what I've written here isn't applicable to your relationships, then please know that I intend no harm, and just click my post away. Or please post further, and perhaps you'll gain some further advice or suggestions.

Last edited by doropfiz; 24.06.2020 at 08:35. Reason: clarity
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  #28  
Old 24.06.2020, 12:29
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Re: child custody

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  1. Buy your son some clothes. Over and over again as he grows. Pay attention to his shoes, too. They don't have to be massively expensive if you buy them from second-hand sources.

    Regardless of whether anyone else (your ex, the school, KESB, the Courts, social workers, anyone else at all) is putting the best interests of the child first, you should be doing so. Leaving a child to go to school in dirty, ill-fitting clothing is neglect.

    If your child arrived to see you hungry, from neglect of not having been fed, you would give him something to eat. If he came to you exhausted, from not having been allowed to sleep, you would put him to bed. Providing him with clothing is the same. It is basic level care. The fact that your ex does not ensure that he has clean, properly fitting clothes is a poor show. I cannot see any reason (other than if you don't have a penny to your name) why you, seeing that neglect, would not step in and provide clothing for your child.
  2. Stay in your son's life, so that you can assert his right to see you often, and can be there to try to protect him, and to teach him how to be a full, reasonable, good person. The further you go away (I mean that by reducing your contact to only some limited visitation rights) the less influence you will have on what he learns and how he develops.
  3. Do not give up legal rights to your child. I cannot see any advantage to your son, if you do that.

    I think MusicChick makes a very important point: how the boy will see it, and how it will be, for him, growing up into a man. He knows that he is living in difficult circumstances, and he knows that you know about them. Why would you walk away? Why would you choose to minimise all legal ways to protect the child? I doubt that the boy himself would believe this to be in his best interests.

    If your ex is lacking in her care for your son, if she is neglectful or mean, irrational or vitriolic, then it seems to me that these are all the more reason for you to help protect your son, rather than being reasons for you to withdraw.

    It could be that I'm missing some of what you say, but your suggestion of - and reasons for - giving up legal rights over your son seem to me to equate to meaning:
    "Sorry, son, your mom isn't taking care of you, and she bugs me too. I don't like that. I can't take any more. So I'm not going to take part in thinking about any important decisions about your life. I'm also not going to see you so often, and you can just come and visit me for half the school holidays. After all, I've got other things to think about. So good luck coping with her, all on your own!"

Disclaimer:
Posts in internet fora are necessarily merely a sketch, and outline of the circumstances. Therefore, I realise that I've heard only a part of your long, long, tedious story.

If I've misunderstood your situation, and if what I've written here isn't applicable to your relationships, then please know that I intend no harm, and just click my post away. Or please post further, and perhaps you'll gain some further advice or suggestions.
I mentioned in previous Posts that I DO buy him clothes myself. On top of paying child support (which is what it is for).

The issue is not how I Dress him but to be perfectly clear how his mother Dresses him. And I dont mean style. I mean clothes that dont fit. THat have holes in them, or are completely worn through.

This has always been an issue from day one pretty much of our sons life. As mentioned I raised it in my divorce filing which I am hardly going to do if I am also neglecting him in the same way.

So to make it perfectly clear my son Comes to me on a thursday through to Monday. therefore at KG from my house on a Friday and a Monday. He is well dressed by me. His clothes fit. They arent too small on worn.

The problem is on all the other days that he is sent to KG from his mothers house which the School are now complaining About.

Secondly since the KG raised this as an issue I went through all my old emails and Messages between us on this specific issue. They Show that I have been trying to get her to Dress him properly since our Separation in 2014.

Tomorrow I will speak to my lawyer. She had been on vacation. But I have been "Shopping around" for different legal opinions amd one lawyer this morning told me that what will be criticial will be the notes of the Meeting I had with the School last week. They mentioned verbally in the Meeting this was a real concern for them but it will be crucial what they put in writing to me.

Depending on that then I have a strong case to go to the KESB, and ultimately apply for sole custody. Because this then takes away the element of my word v my exes word and has a third independent Body saying the same as me.

I want to make clear that I am exasperated with the System in CH. Thats it. Things that to me are very clear and black and White get very muddy when dealing with social Services types like the KESB.

Last edited by 3Wishes; 25.06.2020 at 17:49. Reason: user request
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  #29  
Old 24.06.2020, 13:27
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Re: child custody

I understand that you are frustrated with the system. It may be a surprise for the KESB to have an application for a sole custody from somebody who filed for separation when your baby son wasn't even a year old.

You want sole custody or you want none. I am not sure if either is achievable by sharing a lot of info online about your son's mom.

I wish you and your son all the best, I hope the solution you will figure will suit both him and you <3

Last edited by MusicChick; 24.06.2020 at 13:46.
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  #30  
Old 25.06.2020, 07:47
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Re: child custody

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Tomorrow I will speak to my lawyer. She had been on vacation. But I have been "Shopping around" for different legal opinions amd one lawyer this morning told me that what will be criticial will be the notes of the Meeting I had with the School last week. They mentioned verbally in the Meeting this was a real concern for them but it will be crucial what they put in writing to me.

Depending on that then I have a strong case to go to the KESB, and ultimately apply for sole custody. Because this then takes away the element of my word v my exes word and has a third independent Body saying the same as me.

I want to make clear that I am exasperated with the System in CH. Thats it. Things that to me are very clear and black and White get very muddy when dealing with social Services types like the KESB.
This is the best thing you can do, talk to your lawyer and decide together which goal is more achievable. On the other hand if you want to take this route - KESB, you should be very aware it might not go your way and this can only make things much, much more difficult for you and your child in the future. Tread carefully, this is all I can say.
Btw, you might want to delete some parts from your post as it contains quite a few details which could make your case identifiable. Some very private things are better not shared on the internet. (don't get why people keep asking all sort of things when it's obvious you're in a very vulnerable position right now)
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