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Old 10.05.2020, 12:11
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Are my friends being out of order

Hi everyone,

How are you all? I have a quick question I hope you donít mind me asking.

I am currently in the United Kingdom but I will fly back in time.

I have 2 friends who live in the United Kingdom who are basically family to me.
These 2 friends never liked the idea of me moving to Switzerland and consistently ask me to come home permanently which I refuse to do.
My best friend is having a baby soon which is amazing which means Iíll get to be part of itís life like a little uncle and fly back to see them in the U.K. sometimes.

My 2 friends were talking to me through FaceTime last night and explained to me.

I can either go back to Switzerland where Iím actually starting to build a nice life now. I know I have made posts about being poor but Iím starting to get a lot better now and I can say I am happy with my situation in Switzerland.

My friends are basically saying I can either go to Switzerland or never see them again. They are coming over in November to see me but thatís it.

They donít want to know me because Iíll have to fly and might get covid19
They explained to me itís them or Switzerland. I age explained to them that Switzerland comes first and I canít just end my life there and move back home.

They are concerned because I will have to fly home on a plane like I normally did before covid19 and I might give it to the new baby and my friends. One of them has health issues.

I completely respect that but I have explained to my friends that I will wear masks and that we canít just not see each other for one year because of covid I understand how serious covid is but we canít just stop seeing each other.

Before covid I would fly to the U.K. every 2 or 3 weeks to spend time with them I always promised that Iíd never fully leave them and I kept my promise.

My mental health would be a mess with out my friends I donít understand how they can be like this.

When I confronted them about it they just said itís your fault for moving to Switzerland They have tried many attempts to get me to move back to the U.K and I feel like this is another attempt.

I hope you are all well I send you all my love stay safe everyone!
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:18
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

COVID19 is screwing with everyone's minds. People are behaving irrationally due to the fear of being infected. In a way, I'm dealing with a similar situation although not to the extreme of an ultimatum.

My thoughts:

1. Your friends are scared and making decisions based on fear
2. Come November, things will be different.
3. Friends don't do this to each other but then again.... they're scared
4. Wait it out...be patient...try to ignore their present state of mind

Sorry to hear about this but don't let their fears affect your mental state. You, in fact, have become stronger than they are. Well done!
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:24
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

The thing is I want to be able to fly back and see them frequently but they are basically saying go to Switzerland and we won’t Make time for you anymore and using covid as an excuse s
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:26
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

Part of life is losing friends, and this process often goes quicker when emigrating.

Wish them the best and start making friends here.
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:27
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

But I love them
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:30
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

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Part of life is losing friends, and this process often goes quicker when emigrating.

Wish them the best and start making friends here.
I am not emigrating I have lived in Switzerland for over a year
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:33
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

Actually, I know that everyone is stressed and you say that one friend is expecting so pregnancy hormones are running riot but their behaviour is bordering on emotional blackmail.

In life friends come and go and as your life has taken a different road it seems that they can't accept it. Maybe they were friends for that time and as you have opened a new chapter it just doesn't relate to your old life.

Maintain your friendship from a distance - so easy to do via all the online platforms but don't consider giving up your life in Switzerland especially as you have turned the corner now.
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:34
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

They are guys it’s his girlfriend who’s having a kid
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:39
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

What do you want us to say?
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:41
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

Just want advice thanks for your reply earlier I appreciate your time
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Old 10.05.2020, 12:56
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

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Just want advice thanks for your reply earlier I appreciate your time
You want to visit people who do not want you to visit them.

There is no advice to be given here, only some support for you losing friends.
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Old 10.05.2020, 13:08
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

In short, yes. Without making any comments about "But I love them", it will not work long term..they will push on you to cave in in other stuff, this time is Covid, next time is whatever comes. It is ok to evolve and not keep one sided friendships. If they cared for you equally, they would find a way to visit you, not discourage you when you just pulled yourself together and are doing better. Their role role in your life is to make you shine and grow. It shouldn't be just you seeing them there every 3wks (btw who has cash for that?).They are not doing it. Or - they need to hear from you that you care so much that you want them to reciprocate. Do it and see if they actually will. Guiltrips and succumbing to them are useless.

Friendship = skills. Practice them.
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Old 10.05.2020, 13:22
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

My advice is to let it be and try not to let it get to you.


If it comes up, just say 'the world will be a different place come November'.



Logically, there is no higher risk from Switzerland than the UK right now - but this is not about logic.



Right now, it's more 'free' here in Switzerland than it is in a lot of other places. Our local shops are open. We can get a haircut and the kids will start going back to school next week. Our hospitals are not overloaded and our nursing homes are being very cautious but can expect to be mostly protected.


Your friends have no idea, because they cannot walk in your shoes. That is OK - they have their perspective and you have yours...



Fear of the 'other' right now is a big thing - are your friends generally racist/xenophobic - some politicians are really going to play the 'everyone is worse than we are, it's their fault, how could they...'.


Until your friends come over and actually see what they are asking you to give up (and maybe they won't be able to see) - how can they really understand ? They have their perspective, you have yours.
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Old 10.05.2020, 13:39
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

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Logically, there is no higher risk from Switzerland than the UK right now - but this is not about logic..
The OP is going to visit a vulnerable person, not to mention a pregnant woman, of course logically there is a higher risk...
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Old 10.05.2020, 13:41
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

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They are guys itís his girlfriend whoís having a kid
A pregnant woman and a vulnerable person, every think that you are the one being out of order? Do you seriously think a vulnerable person should increase the risk just to see you??
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Old 10.05.2020, 14:34
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

A person who travels, like you, Justin, necessarily increases their risk of infection. No matter how careful you yourself are, travelling necessarily involves coming into contact with many more people, and the surfaces in the airports, buses, trains, etc. that those many people have touched, than would have been the case had one just stayed home.

Of course, you're taking precautions as you see fit, like wearing a mask, etc. And each of us has to weigh up the risks and benefits of whatever we do, including travel, and decide according to our own circumstances and health factors, etc.

If I were about to become a parent, I would, specifically with regard to Corona, want to reduce risks as far as possible. Therefore, I would not want to have contact with someone who was travelling backwards and forwards, especially between two countries with high infection rates. So in that regard, I can understand if your friends say: "This situation is just too risky for us."

However, I don't think I'd go so far as to break off contact. There are ways to maintain friendships, with skype, etc., and many of those of us who move countries have such relationships, which work well even though we might not actually see the other people for several years. And that can be completely healthy. And some have put their physical contact on hold, while we wait and see what happens.

These new parents sound understandably frightened about the state of world into which their baby is about to arrive. After all, none of us really knows what Corona means, what it will bring to us during the next few years as Baby is learning to walk, talk and go to kindergarten. As others have said, just make generous allowance for the fact that they're being understandably cautious.

If they absolutely close the door, and state categorically: "We do not want to see you, we do not want you to contact us ever again", then you have to accept the sad, painful fact of having been un-friended, and you must respect their wishes and not contact them again.

However, if they don't slam the door, then don't you slam it, either. If there's still room in your and their communication, just keep saying that you respect their position and of course you want them to be safe and healthy, that you love them, that you want them in your life, that you would like to be allowed to be part of their lives, and that, as others have said, by November or next Spring, the world will be a different place. And then, once you're back in Switzerland, send them friendly, non-demanding mails or messages from time to time. They may well come around later, depending on the development of Corona and on their own health, including Baby, of course.
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Old 10.05.2020, 14:54
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

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The OP is going to visit a vulnerable person, not to mention a pregnant woman, of course logically there is a higher risk...

He shouldn't be visiting them anyway, regardless of whether his origin is UK or Switzerland.
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Old 10.05.2020, 15:07
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

Your friends are not unreasonable, neither is your wish to see them regularly. But priorities change when people start families and it is right that your friends prioritise their own health and that of their pregnant other half in this. Friendships have to evolve as a result of life changes. One of the changes was your move, another is starting a family. Friendships evolve or end.

The question may also be moot. Two weeks quarantine on arrival in the UK is incompatible with frequent visits or any kind of short trips.
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Old 10.05.2020, 15:17
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

Until this is over, you won't really be able to fly back and forth and see them regularly anyway. The UK is even talking about putting in a 14 quarantine for arrivals, so that would stop your plans.

My sister just had a baby in the UK, I was supposed to go and visit them, I can't. Once this is all over, we will see each other and get back to normal.
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Old 10.05.2020, 15:59
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Re: Are my friends being out of order

Similar with me. Being old and having health issues, I am in the high risk group. Some family want to visit me and they are travelling a lot for business. I am not telling them to give up their job, but "looking forward to seeing you again once all of this is over; until then, my Skype name is ..."

So, I think, your friends are right to protect the pregnant fršulein and her baby in spe. Let it go and contact them again once you have had your corona-jab.
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