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  #21  
Old 01.10.2020, 11:14
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Re: Family friend problem

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Granddad dying sound like a young guy if his granddad was still alive until now.
I was in my late 50s when my grandfather died, not so young.

Tom
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  #22  
Old 01.10.2020, 11:15
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Re: Family friend problem

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Hi everyone,

Thank you for viewing my post.

I have a family friend who I am very close with he is my old boss from the United Kingdom. He is much older then me but we are good friends and he’s a good person.

He left his job and got a new job but was made redundant from it because of Covid. He has kids and was desperate for money to the point where he was going to have debt collectors in the uk come and take his stuff away.


I gave him 10 grand in sterling to help him out.

I feel like this was the human thing to do but did I make the wrong decision it’s a lot of money which I’m not sure if he will ever be able to pay back.

Am I stupid for doing this? I am not rich it was my savings. I couldn’t just let his life fall apart could I? What else was I meant to do?
You should be praised for having a good heart and with that as a fact (you did it for his kids remember), set limits. A date which is clear that he pays back, you could still set that date now (say end october), in which you expect he can ask now to borrow from someone else to pay you, if he doesn’t have the money. It gives him motivation to arrange this now. Closer to the date ask him if everything is ok, if it isn’t then insist of half and the other half a month later, etc, etc. Accept no reduction as he would have a month (each time) to even get extra work to pay.
I never understand why people do this without the same terms, i.e. there must be a good reason why he couldn’t have gone to a bank. You aren’t a bank, it was a gamble. Good luck and keep being you.
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  #23  
Old 01.10.2020, 14:33
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Re: Family friend problem

@OP,
If you can't afford losing that amount, never loan money to someone you don't trust they will repay you.
If he's your friend, as you say, why do you have so many doubts, second thoughts?
Friends don't cheat each other. If they do, that's not friendship, it never was.
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  #24  
Old 01.10.2020, 14:36
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Re: Family friend problem

I have a rule, don’t lend money you can’t afford to get back.

He was/is in dire straits and you lent him money to pull him through, presumably knowing, due to his dire straits, he had not the means to pay you back.

This will put pressure on the relationship, for both of you, you will both be thinking of the 10k until it is paid back.

Saying that, if it is a strong friendship the pressure will be mitigated by the general good feeling. I lent a friend some money for her taxes, and she only paid back after a year, just in time for my taxes so really useful. It did not effect our relationship because I could afford to lose the money, and she could not afford to not have it, and I knew she would pay me back WHEN SHE COULD. She had previously lent me money for legal costs, much more, and for only a couple of weeks, but still... we knew we could trust each other to put our friendship waaaaaay ahead of a debt.

Eta. I had actually forgotten hw much I had lent her when she asked to pay it back because a) I never fixated on the money, and b) it was a while. By treating it in my head as gone, it put a no pressure on the relationship from my side.
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Old 01.10.2020, 16:38
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Re: Family friend problem

We've all done it, lent money to family and friends - sometimes you get it back sometimes you don't.
Make rules in the future - I never lend anything now - i have lent people books -never to have got them back - garden equipment that comes back slightly broken and another rule is that I never use a tradesman who is a neighbour or friend. It is very difficult to question jobs and complain about work done on your house if they are close to you - you will invariably fall out..
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  #26  
Old 01.10.2020, 20:06
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Re: Family friend problem

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How long ago did you lend him? Granddad dying sound like a young guy if his granddad was still alive until now. Maybe granddad left him some money too?

Is this guy working again? If I was him, I would have started paying you back, maybe 1-2k monthly, if not all 10k in one go. I definitely would have contacted you regularly to reassure you that I appreciated what you did for me and I would do everything to repay you etc.

Btw 10k is not going to really ruin your long term future.
Itís all I had
  #27  
Old 01.10.2020, 20:28
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Re: Family friend problem

"Itís all I had"


But it is NOT all you will have. That was the point the other poster was making.


Right now it hurts. In a few years, it won't.


I did a similar thing a few years back. Lent a close relative the money to pay off a mortgage, because for the lack of a few K now they were being forced to sell their house (which was nearly completely paid for) and move into rented accommodation forever.


3 months later, the 2008 financial meltdown happened, almost wiped out my business and I didn't get a penny in salary for 2 years. Boy did I need that cash back to avoid my own house being taken off me. Was touch and go several times.



12 years later, all is corrected. My finances back on track, relative still in their house, loan still not repaid but because we secured it, I know I will get it eventually.


And I still feel good about having done it in the first place.



But it is a good idea to document everything, and not be afraid to share how you feel.


Kind regards




Ian
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  #28  
Old 01.10.2020, 22:10
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Re: Family friend problem

If someone close to me asks to borrow from me, or asks me to donate to their personal mishap, I ask for the facts.
  • Why does the person want n amount, exactly?
  • What will happen if they don't get it? (In eairicbloodaxe's post: the person would have lost their house).
  • Would a lesser sum than they're asking for be any use to fix the worst of the problems?
  • If I gave/lent them a part of the amount needed, would that perhaps encourage the person in need to ask someone else for another part, or encourage someone else to contribute, so that we could fix it together?
  • Might there be some other intervention, besides money (like helping the person to write the right letters, to prevent their sliding into further problems) which would work just as well, or at least lessen the crisis?

A lawyer once told me: "The quickest way to get the documentation on the table is to turn off the tap."
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  #29  
Old 01.10.2020, 22:14
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Re: Family friend problem

Lesson learnt the hard way:
If a borrower defaults in any aspect of the repayment agreement, give them one - and only one - chance to remedy it. Thereafter, whatever way you deal with recovering or writing off the money, never, ever lend to that same borrower again.

If this person is a blood relation, be very, very clear about this before turning 18, or at the very latest by age 25. Having learnt it, do not deviate.
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  #30  
Old 01.10.2020, 22:20
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Re: Family friend problem

I think the concept of 10 grand is less to some people than it is to others. He said it was his entire savings, and this is just my opinion, but I think that giving away your entire savings can indeed have some negative consequences down the road. It's not necessarily just a matter of "you'll forget about it in a few years." 10 grand is a lot of money to some people.

I was almost hesitant to write that, though, because I certainly wouldn't want to make the OP feel any worse about it. But I think his worries are legit.

A few things I would be curious to know are how long ago it was that the OP lent him the money and what exactly was said in terms of him being repaid. Also, still not sure if the guy asked for the money or if it was offered.
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  #31  
Old 02.10.2020, 11:03
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Re: Family friend problem

I've bene pretty stupid with money in my time and lent money to different people. Never more than I could afford to lose mind you. But if you total it up over the years there it does add up.

Actually it was interesting to see how people reacted.

There were people who I was sure, from day one, that they would never pay anything back. I gave them the money anyway because I liked them or felt sorry for them. Oddly, the person who I considered most unlikely, most untrustworthy, most incompetent, and most unethical among all these did repay in full and within a month. That was quite a shock because I was never expecting that.

Then there were people who I considered highly trustowrthy and reliable and they either never repayed or had to be reminded a zillion times and them only repayed in dribs and drabs and even so never repayed the full sum.

So never trust a book by its cover.
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  #32  
Old 02.10.2020, 11:23
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Re: Family friend problem

I've been in some tough spots in my youth and never once thought to ask a friend for money even if I should have...the thought of that makes me shudder. I couldn't handle the pressure of having to pay it back and losing face/the friendship.

OP, you are kind, but please don't ever give all you have to someone. Taking care of you is also very important!
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  #33  
Old 02.10.2020, 11:28
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Re: Family friend problem

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This is of course, just my personal opinion, but... I think it was very sweet of you to help him, but perhaps you shouldn't have given away all of your savings to him, and especially knowing that it was most likely going to be very difficult for him to ever pay you back. I hate so say it -- and I certainly hope this won't be the case for you -- but it's been my (awful) experience that any time I've loaned money to friends, they somehow magically disappear and are no longer friends and are no longer in touch, etc. I think they try to justify it in their minds that if I am no longer a friend, they don't feel obligated to re-pay me, so it somehow helps ease their conscience. It's also been my experience that any time I've loaned money to friends, I end up having to be the "bad guy" by asking for them to repay me, because they never try to repay unless and until they are pressured to.

But again, I hope that won't be the case for you.

Did he pressure you to lend him money? e.g. Emotional manipulation? Or did you offer without him asking?
A friend lent me CHF 3000 because I had some unexpected expenses in connection with a family emergency. I was meant to pay him back within two years, in the end it took 3.5 years because my degree took longer than planned to finish and it wasn't easy finding a full-time job that actually paid enough for me to have money to spare. Within three months of me getting such a job, I paid my friend back.

We had set up a written contract in connection to the loan, which I think is the best thing to do. Obviously, I was in breach of the contract by taking longer to pay him back but I always updated him on where I stood and it really bothered me that I was late in repaying. Mind you, he also lent money to another friend of his (a much larger amount too) and he doesn't think he'll see that money again.

So I guess it depends. As a rule, I would only lend the kind of amount that I could afford to lose as I would be sad to lose a friend over money.
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  #34  
Old 04.10.2020, 20:36
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Re: Family friend problem

I don't like digging through posters' previous emails but i couldn't help but notice: The OP was complaining about not having the money for the deposit on a new apartment in March and getting final payment reminders from his health insurer in August. Where did he suddenly find the 10K to pay a friend? On an intern's salary while paying 1350 rent? It doesn't add up.

Last edited by DerDieDas; 04.10.2020 at 20:47.
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  #35  
Old 04.10.2020, 20:42
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Re: Family friend problem

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I don't like digging through posters' previous emails but i couldn't help but notice: The OP was complaining about not having the money for the deposit on a new apartment in March and getting final payment reminders from health insurer in August. Where did he suddenly find the 10K to pay a friend? On an intern's salary while paying 1350 rent? It doesn't add up.
It was originally posted under a new user name... guess he didnít think anyone would make that connection
  #36  
Old 04.10.2020, 20:46
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Re: Family friend problem

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It was originally posted under a new user name... guess he didn’t think anyone would make that connection
That explains it. Otherwise I would have recognized the name when I first saw this thread. I only noticed the name because of the OP's other recent thread about travel from/to the UK and was surprised to see that he introduced himself as a new member recently.

Did he de-register and come back again?
  #37  
Old 07.10.2020, 17:42
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Re: Family friend problem

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Hi everyone,

Thank you for viewing my post.

I have a family friend who I am very close with he is my old boss from the United Kingdom. He is much older then me but we are good friends and he’s a good person.

He left his job and got a new job but was made redundant from it because of Covid. He has kids and was desperate for money to the point where he was going to have debt collectors in the uk come and take his stuff away.


I gave him 10 grand in sterling to help him out.

I feel like this was the human thing to do but did I make the wrong decision it’s a lot of money which I’m not sure if he will ever be able to pay back.

Am I stupid for doing this? I am not rich it was my savings. I couldn’t just let his life fall apart could I? What else was I meant to do?
LOL @ the amount of gullible EF'ers that believe these endlessly unconvincing and badly written stories... I swear people can come on this forum and say anything and people will swallow it up every time.
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