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Old 30.09.2020, 20:51
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Family friend problem

Hi everyone,

Thank you for viewing my post.

I have a family friend who I am very close with he is my old boss from the United Kingdom. He is much older then me but we are good friends and heís a good person.

He left his job and got a new job but was made redundant from it because of Covid. He has kids and was desperate for money to the point where he was going to have debt collectors in the uk come and take his stuff away.


I gave him 10 grand in sterling to help him out.

I feel like this was the human thing to do but did I make the wrong decision itís a lot of money which Iím not sure if he will ever be able to pay back.

Am I stupid for doing this? I am not rich it was my savings. I couldnít just let his life fall apart could I? What else was I meant to do?
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:04
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Re: Family friend problem

This is of course, just my personal opinion, but... I think it was very sweet of you to help him, but perhaps you shouldn't have given away all of your savings to him, and especially knowing that it was most likely going to be very difficult for him to ever pay you back. I hate so say it -- and I certainly hope this won't be the case for you -- but it's been my (awful) experience that any time I've loaned money to friends, they somehow magically disappear and are no longer friends and are no longer in touch, etc. I think they try to justify it in their minds that if I am no longer a friend, they don't feel obligated to re-pay me, so it somehow helps ease their conscience. It's also been my experience that any time I've loaned money to friends, I end up having to be the "bad guy" by asking for them to repay me, because they never try to repay unless and until they are pressured to.

But again, I hope that won't be the case for you.

Did he pressure you to lend him money? e.g. Emotional manipulation? Or did you offer without him asking?
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:08
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Re: Family friend problem

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This is of course, just my personal opinion, but... I think it was very sweet of you to help him, but perhaps you shouldn't have given away all of your savings to him, and especially knowing that it was most likely going to be very difficult for him to ever pay you back. I hate so say it -- and I certainly hope this won't be the case for you -- but it's been my (awful) experience that any time I've loaned money to friends, they somehow magically disappear and are no longer friends and are no longer in touch, etc. I think they try to justify it in their minds that if I am no longer a friend, they don't feel obligated to re-pay me, so it somehow helps ease their conscience. It's also been my experience that any time I've loaned money to friends, I end up having to be the "bad guy" by asking for them to repay me, because they never try to repay unless and until they are pressured to.

But again, I hope that won't be the case for you.

Did he pressure you to lend him money? e.g. Emotional manipulation? Or did you offer without him asking?
Only have been repaid money in 40 years, I agree with you completely.
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:10
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Re: Family friend problem

You did the decent thing, do not have second thoughts about it now, someone was in dire need and you helped, end of ...

If it makes you feel any better my almost grown kids clean me up all the time in the past always some kind of exciting course / study they want to do, and I have to pay the feels, I paid this 10 grand many times over to them
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:11
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Re: Family friend problem

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gave him 10 grand in sterling to help him out.
You gave him the cash?

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..I’m not sure if he will ever be able to pay back.
Does he know he has to?

You are an intern in a bank..Banks don't give money to people.

Is there a trace of this transaction?

You sound like a very kind person, I really hope for you to get your money back. X
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:25
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Re: Family friend problem

There is a saying in German: "Bei Geld hŲrt die Freundschaft auf." Friendship stops at money.
Maybe a kind thing to do, but only if you have the money spare.
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:30
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Re: Family friend problem

There's this old saying...
Quote:
If You Want to Lose a Friend, Loan Them Money
It's hard. Have been there. Lost a friend (but because he cut contact with me - so actually not a friend)... 10k is a lot... How long was this ago and is he looking for a job?

Best think you can do is keeping friendly contact with him and check out how he's doing and help him on his feet again. He will appreciate it and you will have higher chance getting the money back. But if you pressure him too much, he will dislike it and things become worse.
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:35
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You gave him the cash?



Does he know he has to?

You are an intern in a bank..Banks don't give money to people.

Is there a trace of this transaction?

You sound like a very kind person, I really hope for you to get your money back. X
I work for a bank yes but I care about other people.

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There's this old saying...


It's hard. Have been there. Lost a friend (but because he cut contact with me - so actually not a friend)... 10k is a lot... How long was this ago and is he looking for a job?

Best think you can do is keeping friendly contact with him and check out how he's doing and help him on his feet again. He will appreciate it and you will have higher chance getting the money back. But if you pressure him too much, he will dislike it and things become worse.
That was my emergency fund which I saved up little help from family too.

At UBS I get around 2300 CHF a month what options do I have when I am struggling to pay bills and stuff.

I should be getting a B permit soon because the Basel canton have upgraded me from a L whoop!

What options do I have who can I talk to?

Thank you everyone for all the replies! Really appreciate all your feedback such a lovely people!

Last edited by roegner; 30.09.2020 at 21:51. Reason: Merging consecutive posts
  #9  
Old 30.09.2020, 21:56
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Re: Family friend problem

We have made the mistake of lending money to family and it has never been paid back. That said, we thought we made the right decision at the time but have learned our lesson.

We no longer lend money to family nor friends (or their investment schemes) as it tends to damage the relationship.

Just my thoughts... Incidentally, I have been listening to the podcast "Swindled" (brilliant by the way!) and this podcast seems to reinforce my thinking
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Old 30.09.2020, 21:58
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Re: Family friend problem

I have loaned money to friends before with both good and bad results. But I also live by the phrase "Don't loan money you cannot afford to lose".

Be sure that your friend understands that this is a loan, not a gift. And that repayment doesn't have to wait for the full sum - payments, no matter how small, will go a long way towards getting the debt cleared.
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Old 30.09.2020, 22:06
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Re: Family friend problem

Let him know that it was your emergency fund & that you will need it back at some point.
Maybe suggest installments.
What happend to unemployment, benefits etc? Surely he is entiteld to some sort of help.
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Old 30.09.2020, 22:11
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Re: Family friend problem

Never lend anyone money. Always make it a gift with no expectation of being repaid. This way, if you get the money back, that's a bonus. And if you don't, at least you've still got the relationship.

But good on you anyway. Just right the money off. Maybe someone will do the same for you, some day.

btw - nice to see you posting again Justintheexpat.
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Old 30.09.2020, 22:38
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Re: Family friend problem

Interesting... as that is what I said (Not All There) to my OH when his brother asked us for money.

I told him that we would never be repaid as his brother had a spending issue and that we would lend him x amount, but my OH should understand that we can not regulate how his brother spends the money. And, he will spend it recklessly as was his history.

And so, we gave the brother said amount (considerable!) under the proviso that should the brother ever ask for money again, that was it -and my OH agreed.

Go figure, and less than three months later, after giving a considerable sum, did the brother reappear asking for more money and guilting my OH for having a good job.

Kudos to my OH, as he told is brother he could no longer help.

The problem with lending money to family/friends, is that typically whether consciously or subconsciously, one has a vested interest on how that money is being spent. And, THAT - causes issues in the relationship.

In short OP...You should never lend money which you cannot afford to lend or will need going forward. Once you lend money, you can never judge how those funds are spent nor expect repayment. Sad but true... You were so kind to give but you cannot expect repayment. Hope the best for you and your situation!
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Old 30.09.2020, 22:46
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Re: Family friend problem

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Hi everyone,

Thank you for viewing my post.

I have a family friend who I am very close with he is my old boss from the United Kingdom. He is much older then me but we are good friends and he’s a good person.

He left his job and got a new job but was made redundant from it because of Covid. He has kids and was desperate for money to the point where he was going to have debt collectors in the uk come and take his stuff away.


I gave him 10 grand in sterling to help him out.

I feel like this was the human thing to do but did I make the wrong decision it’s a lot of money which I’m not sure if he will ever be able to pay back.

Am I stupid for doing this? I am not rich it was my savings. I couldn’t just let his life fall apart could I? What else was I meant to do?
Been there, done that. Couple of reflections.
Money (debt) has a way of messing up friendships.
If you do give a loan to a friend, do so with the expectation that it may not be repaid. That way you have managed your expectations upfront and you don't lend beyond what you can write off. That said, this is all hindsight wisdom. I lost some good friends because I loaned them money and then they could not (would not) repay and it became messy. Now if I lend some money to friends, I only lend what I can write off. Else I know that the friendship will suffer.
The same approach applies for family members as well. Barring siblings and parents. At least in my opinion.
Or maybe I just had some difficult experiences ;-)
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Old 01.10.2020, 08:50
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Re: Family friend problem

I think it would be good to write up a legal agreement and sign and have a witness present as well. I know it's after the fact, but as a friend he would understand that you need this.
Actually he also needs it for the UK tax, doesn't he?
Do you have access to a legal advice service? I have one via my insurance and I've heard there are others available too, maybe even via UBS for employees.
I don't think you've done such a bad thing, you wanted to help.
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Old 01.10.2020, 09:19
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Re: Family friend problem

It is kind of sweet but also very naive to give/lend 10k to a grown ass adult who was even your X-boss! Do you know anyone who will lend you 10k if you suddenly needed it?

My rule in life, never borrow, never lend. Part of being an adult is to stand on your own feet and if things get tough, then adapt and live within your means.
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Old 01.10.2020, 10:21
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Re: Family friend problem

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Never lend anyone money. Always make it a gift with no expectation of being repaid. This way, if you get the money back, that's a bonus. And if you don't, at least you've still got the relationship.

But good on you anyway. Just right the money off. Maybe someone will do the same for you, some day.

btw - nice to see you posting again Justintheexpat.
I feel like itís made me feel bitter now I have done it because I know they appreciate it I feel like Iíve ruined a small part of my future

Heís now since has his grandad dying of cancer so I canít start asking for it back anytime soon
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Old 01.10.2020, 10:29
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Re: Family friend problem

Never invest or lend what you can't afford to lose!

I have loaned money with a contract stating 0% interest and undefined payback time - and was repaid in full.

I have loaned money and never got it back nor asked or expected it back.

I have gifted amounts that I know I will never see again.

You need to make it totally clear upfront what the deal is...
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Old 01.10.2020, 10:37
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Re: Family friend problem

How long ago did you lend him? Granddad dying sound like a young guy if his granddad was still alive until now. Maybe granddad left him some money too?

Is this guy working again? If I was him, I would have started paying you back, maybe 1-2k monthly, if not all 10k in one go. I definitely would have contacted you regularly to reassure you that I appreciated what you did for me and I would do everything to repay you etc.

Btw 10k is not going to really ruin your long term future.
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Old 01.10.2020, 11:11
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Re: Family friend problem

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I feel like itís made me feel bitter now I have done it because I know they appreciate it I feel like Iíve ruined a small part of my future

Heís now since has his grandad dying of cancer so I canít start asking for it back anytime soon
There is also a saying in English that goes: "No good deed goes unpunished." And while I certainly don't think that's always true, unfortunately, sometimes it is.

I don't mean to seem insensitive, but the fact that his grandfather is dying of cancer should have nothing to do with him not paying you back. So please don't let him use that as a means to emotionally manipulate you. Most people at some point have to deal with their grandparents dying. That shouldn't be used as an excuse to screw over a friend or not repay a debt. Sometimes we learn the hard way what kind of "friend" someone really is only after lending them money. And people who are empathetic and who are giving can easily be taken advantage of.

Years ago, an old (female) friend of mine had just lost her mother to cancer, and my friend -- knowing that I had just come into some money -- asked if she could borrow $700 to pay off her long-distance bill so she could arrange the funeral. I lent her the money, no problem, with the understanding that she would pay me back when she can (I sent her a check in the mail). Well, lo and behold, a few weeks later, this so-called "friend" suddenly waged a full-on public bully attack on me online along with another female. It literally came out of nowhere and with no logical reason whatsoever. I was completely shocked, and all I could think was "This girl is trying to demonize me in her mind so that she can feel justified in refusing to pay me back." It was completely bizarre.
I also once had a (female) friend call me up out-of-the blue. We talked for almost two hours and there I was, thinking that she called because she genuinely missed our friendship. Then suddenly as we were about to hang up, she said: "Oh, by the way. Do you by chance have $200 I could borrow?"
Anyways, sorry to ramble, but... Needless to say, I've learned the hard way to be very careful about who I trust and who I consider a real friend. I really hope that things will turn out better for you, in your situation. Just don't lose sight of the fact that your intentions were good, okay? Regardless of the outcome. And if you don't get your money back, the problem is your so-called "friend." Not you.
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