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  #21  
Old 25.01.2021, 18:55
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

A marriage is a partnership and all about compromise. If you do not want another child, she needs to accept and respect your wishes. You have created two beautiful lives together, it isn't like you are leaving her without any children.

Having children is one of the most challenging tests in a marriage, especially if having one isn't wanted by both sides. Talk to her truthfully and patiently - if she still cannot accept this, perhaps it would be good to go to couples therapy in order to have a neutral person to help. And in the meantime, I would make sure to take care of birth control on your side. Good luck!
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  #22  
Old 25.01.2021, 19:01
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Some people here have been honest enough to say that they hadn't felt a strong desire for a further child. I doubt many people regret the existence of that second/third/fourth ... child once he/she is born. For me personally, the experience of giving birth and the feelings caring for a baby invoked would have had me doing it again and again. My age and practical considerations precluded that. I wonder if your wife is at the age when she feels this might be her last opportunity. It can be a strong motivator.

I don't think there's much anyone can say here to offer an insight, other than comment on their own circumstances. Very difficult as its a huge compromise for one of you to make. Keep talking and perhaps one of you has to concede for love of the other.
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  #23  
Old 25.01.2021, 19:04
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Consider carefully. If you don't let yourself be convinced, what are the chances you'll be able to continue with your life as it is now?
lim --> 0
That somehow depends on my wife and wether she can come to terms with having just 2. She tries, but I don't think that will happen. I must admit, I already made some "progress" and there are times when I think that having three cant be that bad. Meanwhile she convinced me that i would be as good as a father as for three as I am for our two now.
Maybe a strange concept, but I had a certain image of "two children parents" and "three children parent" and i didn't fit in the latter.

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Took me a while to bond properly with my third. But it happened and now she's 23 and I couldn't imagine having had the past 23 years without her. Three is like three body problem in physics - largely unpredictable! So much more fun than two. In my highly biased opinion.
Thats what my wife tell me, too. Not the physics part tough.

Don't speak about twins. We have friends who wanted a second child, but got tripplets instead
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Old 25.01.2021, 19:09
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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but pressure from parents and parents in law was huge, and as farming stock said a boy was required! She agreed and said OK, let's have another one quite soon. So when the first was 18 months- she had the second- another girl- in fact 3 of them! Hands full - for sure

Never understood how relatives could apply pressure in such a question
And anyway, boys stop being cute and start smelling quite soon
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  #25  
Old 25.01.2021, 19:30
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

OP - how about your wife getting a job, instead? Maybe taking care of children is what she's most comfortable with and familiar with but deep down she wants a career and maybe needs help with it?

I don't know you nor her, but your babies are getting autonomous, getting into a school soon, she might want to look around for a meaningful career if having more kids is out of the question for you. This stay at home mom model here in Switzerland hasn't worked out for quite a few moms we hear about.

I also know that love means understanding eachother's reasons...accomodating them.

Mom is a role model to me as a mom and in her career, I really appreciate it. I cannot imagine being a stay at home parent for a long time, tbh. I grew up in 3 kids family and loved it. We outnumbered the grown-ups and I think it helped me choose my career in a way, a group of kids is always more fun than just two.

I also however empathize with you as a sole breadwinner, maybe because I am one. I think especially in Switzerland to be responsible for 3 or 4 dependants is stressful as hell. And I think the number does make a difference.

That.

And.

I'd not have liked my partner debating it online, personally. Just sayin'. I know you do it with good will of maybe trying to see her point.

A friend didn't want kids, her hb talked her into one who turned out to be a multipack of 3 wonderfully lively boys. She's a teacher so organizationally it was alright....still. I have her SOS messages somewhere.

Maybe you guys need a good and smart mediator so it doesn't turn into something more, later.
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Old 25.01.2021, 19:31
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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A marriage is a partnership and all about compromise. If you do not want another child, she needs to accept and respect your wishes.
While I understand your point that it's not like she's being denied having children I don't see compromise is a possibility here. It's either sprog number 3 or not. No middle ground possible - unless, as you do, she sees "I've already got two" as compromise.
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Old 25.01.2021, 19:42
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I don't see compromise is a possibility here.
Easy: she can have #3, but she needs to find someone else to father it!

Win-win!

Tom
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Old 25.01.2021, 19:44
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I'd not have liked my partner debating it online, personally. Just sayin'. I know you do it with good will of maybe trying to see her point.
That is something you and I can 100% agree on.
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  #29  
Old 25.01.2021, 19:46
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Easy: she can have #3, but she needs to find someone else to father it!

Win-win!

Tom
This is actually something that happens.
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  #30  
Old 25.01.2021, 19:53
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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One point is, that I really like my life how it is right now. Why put that at risk?

The second, and main point is harder to explain.
I somehow feel that I owe it to my hypothethical future child, that I want/wish for him or her as I did for my two kids now.
In the end it just sounds like you don't want another kid. In that case, better nont to have one. If I was in your shoes and was really happy with my two kids and didn't want another (at least at this moment in time), especially with how much constant hard work and attention a baby needs, then after explaining my reasons clearly and making sure she understood them I would expect that decision to be final and respected.

In my view your wife is the one who needs to see reason here; you have two amazing children that are still young and she is the one trying to add another that sounds like it was not planned into the equation or discussed before now. Considering she has two young kids to loko after and is a full time SAHM, it's not like she doesn't have stuff to do either. So unless her biological drive to nurse a baby is driving her crazy, then maybe she can get some other hobbies or a job to fill in the time if or when the kids aren't there?
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  #31  
Old 25.01.2021, 19:56
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Maybe it would help if you say, given that finances etc aren't a problem, the specific reasons why you don't want another one?
He does not want his existing life totally destroyed, you need to start driving different cars, people carriers etc.
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As an only child,
I am not in the least bit surprised
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  #32  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:05
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Dear EF
I met my wife 17 years ago and for the first time now, we encountered a problem we can't solve together.
Simply put, my wife wants a third child (our son is almost 5, daugther 2.5 years old) and I don't.
We could finance having a third one, living space isn't a problem either. My wife is a full time housewife.

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I don't want to over/undershare, if anyone has some additional questions, just ask.
One way of looking at seemingly unsolvable problems is to expand both scenarios. Keep asking and imagining the next bit of the narrative. And then? And then? And then? Sometimes that can lead one to an emotional clarity, where suddenly one can say that if that scenario occurs, I'd be devastated, or else, actually, I could live with that despite my current worries, or yessss, that's the way I want to go.

Let's say your wife gets pregnant.
It's a girl. Good or bad?
It's a boy. Glad or sad?
It's a happy, healthy, active child. Too much noise, too many activities? For the other children: encouragement, competition, or a drain on resources?
It's a weak, ill child, with a lot of problems. Too many doctors appointments and too much nursing and psychology? For the other children: still room for them? A drain on resources?
Holidays: more effort, more arguing? more fun?
There's a chance of a promotion and a transfer. Scary, with three children, or safer for the children moving as a family gang?

Let's say you have a vasectomy.
No more babies.
For you: a huge relief, a feeling of freedom? Or some sadness, after all?
For your wife: a sigh and regret, but okay-ish, perhaps relief that the matter is settled, or a deep, scarring betrayal or tragedy?

Menopause.
A greater time of grieving than your wife would otherwise have gone through? (Perhaps, though no-one is really sure, women who are content with the number of children they have [not] borne, experience fewer of the negative sides of menopause.)

The children leave home.
If they leave early: relief? Time to turn towards other projects?
Sad it's over, and missing another few years of active parenting?

Being grandparents, being an international family.
Divided attention, effort, being a safe space for adult children and for grandchildren.

Last edited by doropfiz; 26.01.2021 at 23:36. Reason: typo
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  #33  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:05
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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In the end it just sounds like you don't want another kid. In that case, better nont to have one. If I was in your shoes and was really happy with my two kids and didn't want another (at least at this moment in time), especially with how much constant hard work and attention a baby needs, then after explaining my reasons clearly and making sure she understood them I would expect that decision to be final and respected.

In my view your wife is the one who needs to see reason here; you have two amazing children that are still young and she is the one trying to add another that sounds like it was not planned into the equation or discussed before now. Considering she has two young kids to loko after and is a full time SAHM, it's not like she doesn't have stuff to do either. So unless her biological drive to nurse a baby is driving her crazy, then maybe she can get some other hobbies or a job to fill in the time if or when the kids aren't there?
Chuff has nailed it.

@OP,

I'd personally refrain from commenting my personal life here or asking for opinions on such intimate things. I can sympathise, relations are not always easy, but it's better to talk with people you know and who know you (both of you). In real life.

Every family or marriage is different so what works for some might not work for others.
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  #34  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:08
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Three is an odd number – don’t do it! Trust me, I’m a “middle child”….
Solution: Make sure you have twins
I am a middle child, or shall I saw I was. I lost one sibling a few years ago, and having lost both my parents, I have to say that I am really glad my parents chose to have a third child.

I do think both parents need to be on the same page on this issue.
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  #35  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:09
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Personally, I would never even consider, for more than 60 seconds, having a child I knew I didn't want to have, nor would I ever want a child with someone who did not want to have one.

Last edited by doropfiz; 25.01.2021 at 20:32.
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  #36  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:15
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Personally, I would never even consider having a child if I didn't want to, nor would I ever want a child with someone who did not want to have one.
Absolutely! It goes both ways.
It's a common decision. Marriage, kids, budget, responsibilities.

@OP,
Is your wife ready to be responsible for a third child and start all over from the beginning? Child birth, sleepless nights, breastfeeding etc etc etc. Try to have an honest discussion about your real selves not your fantasy selves.
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  #37  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:18
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Meanwhile, shit happens.

I have two biological children, two step children from my late wife and for which I am the only surviving parent, and two step children from wife #2, who have both of their biological parents.

Fortunately, all are adults.

Tom
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  #38  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:21
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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It appears that most pressure these days to have a second child comes from the outside; grand parents, or random people that that assume it's "better" to have more than one child.

A good friend of mine, an only child made a comment a while back that stuck with me...


I have no one to remember the family times with.... something that never struck me before.
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  #39  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:26
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I think Elu is so lovable that his wife just wants to have Elu junior no. 3. She can't help it.

Simples.
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Old 25.01.2021, 20:26
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Here's a related thread:
https://www.englishforum.ch/family-m...n-what-do.html
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