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  #41  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:30
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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  #42  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:30
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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One point is, that I really like my life how it is right now. Why put that at risk?

I would expect it is already at risk no matter which way you go...
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  #43  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:36
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Has anyone ever regretted not having three children?
Or is anyone willing to say they would now only have two instead of three?

I had two and considered having three. I'll never know if I had made the right choice or not.

It's a tough decision. Just don't wait too long to make it since the age gap is ideal right now.
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  #44  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:40
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

One more can easily be two (or three).



I can say categorically from my own experience three is waaaay more complicated than two.


That said, our third was absolutely the most planned child of the three... and also the most complex.


It was said to me that one of the biggest indicators for number of children is what size family you come from. Eg. if there were three kids in your family, you will want three kids.



That, and the 'ideal' number is probably one less than you have right now...life seems so much easier before the next baby was born.



It's quite common to be 'ambivalent' about a second, third or further child. It can also be because of fear of medical complications, you've lost that naive 'it will all work out' feeling, you know the effort it's going to take, and you can see your older kids moving on. For me that's was a 'light at the end of the tunnel. My mental health was crap in the first two years after each baby, and even worse when all the kids hit teenagerhood. There were some pretty good years in-between where I through I was invinceable.



But like everything, there are absolutely no guarantees, our second child was diagnosed with a genetic, life long and chronic medical condition, 10 days after our third child was born. It certainly changed our entire perspective... but we have always been glad to have our third child.



What i have seen several times is this scenario where the third child becomes 'for the mother' and the mother bears huge responsiblity for wanting/convincing the husband to have another child...and she ends up in a very unfair dynamic, and the child is stuck in the middle.



But I suspect that's no different to an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. And I do think the idea of 'planning' and 'choosing' the number of children in a family is such a new idea (and perhaps often a false idea as many of our friends and family were certainly not in control of this decision either due to infertility, other circumstances, or 'unplanned' pregnancies...


Friends of ours were arguing over whether to have 2 or three kids. The second pregnancy was twins, so the choice was completely taken away with the second 'birth'.
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  #45  
Old 25.01.2021, 20:40
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Let me just quickly add that I asked my wife before posting about her. Thanks for your concerns.

Im bringing my kids to bed now and will respond tomorrow to your valued posts

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  #46  
Old 25.01.2021, 21:17
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

It has to be a negotiation, but given that she is the one actually giving birth, my wife's opinion carried far more weight than mine in discussions on the number of children we had.

I mean, I only wanted eight ... that's not unreasonable, is it?


We had three ...
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  #47  
Old 25.01.2021, 21:21
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I've only met 3 people complaining about too many siblings..An Irish coming from 13 kids (they fought for food), an Irish-American coming from 13 kids (they fought for attention) and a girl coming from 5 girls (they fought for clothes).
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  #48  
Old 25.01.2021, 21:39
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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She just says it feels like we are not complete yet as a family.
She hasn't convinced me completely that she doesn't want to fill a void caused by something else, that was one of our main talking points.
That was my thought exactly, even before reading your last sentence above -- that maybe she is experiencing a sense of "void" that could be due to something else and that she only thinks will be filled with a third child. So it would make sense to worry that even after the third child, she might still feel that void.

This is just my personal opinion of course, but I always imagined having three children to be extremely stressful. I have a friend who had four children in about six or seven years () due to being pressured by her husband, who wanted a large family. And she is constantly stressed out and depressed and talks about how she feels that she has no identity anymore, apart from being a mother, and like every day is the same. I have also seen how she doesn't have much time to dedicate to her kids because she has to divide the time between all four of them and is also constantly busy cleaning and cooking and picking up their messes, etc.

I was actually curious if there is such a thing as some women becoming addicted to having babies, and apparently it does exist (though usually applies to women who have more than three). But here is an article I just found about it, and it also happens to mention that sense of "void" that they feel and are trying to fill by having more children:

Some women driven to ‘baby addiction’
https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna29163803

But I'm certainly not trying to say that I think your wife has that issue, with wanting a third child.
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  #49  
Old 25.01.2021, 21:42
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I do know of a couple in this exact same circumstance - the behind the scenes could be completely different, but they are now divorced because the extra child was had. They gave it their all, went through loads of therapy, but it just broke them.

This really should be a decision you make together - a child is a lifetime & well, life isn’t cheap these days and this world is hard enough. You have to both be in it ...
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Old 25.01.2021, 21:44
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Dear EF
I met my wife 17 years ago and for the first time now, we encountered a problem we can't solve together.
Simply put, my wife wants a third child (our son is almost 5, daugther 2.5 years old) and I don't.
We could finance having a third one, living space isn't a problem either. My wife is a full time housewife.

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I don't want to over/undershare, if anyone has some additional questions, just ask.
It could just be that the first child can be stressful and each child thereafter becomes less stressful. Important to look at your fears and whether they are realistic or not
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  #51  
Old 25.01.2021, 21:52
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Both need to consider whether the marriage can survive having/not having a third sprog. The other children don't want their parents to break up for either reason. They have a stake in this too.
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  #52  
Old 25.01.2021, 22:02
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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As an only child, I can say that if I ever have kids I will be aiming to have two within 2 years of the other because there are just so many benefits to that. Having a playmate for your entire childhood and an additional emotional support and someone to help look out for you during your entire lifetime is something that imo you can't put a price on.

Of course I am assuming that the kids don't turn out to hate each other as they grow up, but I think that is unusual if you do a decent job of raising them in a stable environment.
Not sure I could have coped with two only two years apart. The thought of being pregnant while dealing with a toddler.... plus having a nappy gap is great.

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Has anyone ever regretted not having three children?
Or is anyone willing to say they would now only have two instead of three?

I had two and considered having three. I'll never know if I had made the right choice or not.

It's a tough decision. Just don't wait too long to make it since the age gap is ideal right now.

We are sticking at two. Maybe would have had more if started younger but for all sorts of reasons now, two it is. We have an almost 5 year age gap. Is great. My nieces are 26 months apart and the eldest is still very jealous of her "baby " 3 year old sister.
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  #53  
Old 26.01.2021, 00:12
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

We have 3. You say finances aren't a factor. That was our thoughts too, but as your kids get older they get far more expensive! We have 1 just started at Durham, 1 mid way through a bachelor's in Vancouver and the 3rd doing his postgrad in San Francisco. They absorb 10-12k per month on average. They show up a couple of times a year with excess baggage receipts, eat and drink their way through 2K, show us pics of their trips to LA and Whistler, drive the wheels off the cars, pick up a few fines and leave again loaded up with 300kg of washed and ironed clothes courtesy of Mum.

I love them to bits though!

We saved 300k for uni and it's not enough. No regrets though - we knew what we were signing up for.
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  #54  
Old 26.01.2021, 06:52
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Not sure I could have coped with two only two years apart. The thought of being pregnant while dealing with a toddler.... plus having a nappy gap is great.
My family swear by it, get it all out of the way in one go and much easier to hand down clothing. Plus the kids are a similar age to have more in common as they age. Too much of an age gap and they aren't going to be able to play together which imo is a huge downside.
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  #55  
Old 26.01.2021, 09:11
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Dear EF

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I have no kids by choice so the thought of even 1 kid gets my heart racing, 3 would give me instant heart failure!!!!!

Get vasectomy done secretly, then tell your wife ok we try for a third one. Then when she does not get pregnant, just say our lord saviour does not want us to have a third kid On the other hand if she does get pregnant then you know that you have much bigger problems, like the milkman to deal with
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Old 26.01.2021, 10:30
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I think it's easy to say "XX did not want a child/a 2nd/a 3rd but now he/she loved him/her to bits so why don't you go for it"

Would you all say the same thing if it was the father who REALLY wanted another and the mother did not? I have a feeling there would be more "respect her wishes" comments. (Yes I know the mom is the one who needs to give birth but after the 9 months and birthing, responsibilities are equal- and that's a much longer time frame than the 9 months)

I don't think you can compare someone wanting a second- with someone wanting a third or more. Wanting a sibling for your child is quite a normal thought and understandable. I personally do not find it right to push for more kids if the other does not want it. Partners need to respect each other's wishes. (having a child at all - that is something that should be discussed before getting married or deciding to spend your lives together)

My friend after having two kids really wanted a third. Her husband did not. They are financially well off and it isn't an issue. He loves his two kids but he also remembers the chaos - wife was unhealthily attached to the kids, the house was always a mess etc etc. He did not want to go through that again and I fully understood that. She came to terms with two and are a happy family today.

As someone who adores children but ended up not being able to become a mother after all, I honestly think your wife should be happy she has two beautiful children with you and respect your wishes of not having a third.
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Old 26.01.2021, 11:10
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

My wife, who incidentally refuses to sign-up on this site told me over breakfast that my earlier post saying 3 kids were expensive wasn’t helpful (she groaned me) because everyone knows 3 is more expensive than 2. She reminded me of some of the ‘real’ differences between 2 and 3. Here they are:

- The triangle of Doom: with 2 children there's 1 relationship between them. With 3 children, there's 3. 3 sides to every argument. 3 grudges, 3 injustices, 3 wars of attrition, 3 retaliations. 3 doors slammed.
- Outnumbered: 2 parents can't separate 3 brawling, hormone charged teens. Well, not without sitting on one. I'm not joking either, I distinctly remember the time me and Mrs P looked at each other wondering if we needed to call for help one night. That night we felt like completely failed parents.
- Insurance Guilt: You actually start to feel sorry for your insurer on the 9th visit to A&E.
- No babysitters: Only your close family will babysit 3. Paid babysitters will hang up and block you. Friends will only do it once.
- Shared sickness: Kids share nothing other than viruses with each other. Once you've nursed 3 cases of projectile vomiting back to health and cleaned up you will get it and they won't give a toss.
- Travel: Hotels believe a family need 1 double and 2 single beds. When you eventually get out of the hotel you discover every attraction sells 2 adult, 2 children family tickets.
- Cars: No matter how much you resist you will own a VW Sharran.
- Cars 2: You only ever drive somewhere and come back, dividing that into 3 turns in the front seat can't be done.
- Cars 3: You'll stop cleaning it after a few months because its pointless. Everything will be broken, sticky and coated in snot. Not only do you drive a Sharran, you drive a dirty, germ ridden shit box of a Sharran.
- Family gifts: If you've ever struggled to think of just 1 thing you can buy your brother imagine also working out what 3 things your kids can buy their uncle. Multiply across your entire family.
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  #58  
Old 26.01.2021, 11:14
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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my wife, who incidentally refuses to sign-up on this site told me over breakfast that my earlier post saying 3 kids were expensive wasn’t helpful (she groaned me) because everyone knows 3 is more expensive than 2. She reminded me of some of the ‘real’ differences between 2 and 3. Here they are:

- the triangle of doom: With 2 children there's 1 relationship between them. With 3 children, there's 3. 3 sides to every argument. 3 grudges, 3 injustices, 3 wars of attrition, 3 retaliations. 3 doors slammed.
- outnumbered: 2 parents can't separate 3 brawling, hormone charged teens. Well, not without sitting on one. I'm not joking either, i distinctly remember the time me and mrs p looked at each other wondering if we needed to call for help one night. That night we felt like completely failed parents.
- insurance guilt: You actually start to feel sorry for your insurer on the 9th visit to a&e.
- no babysitters: Only your close family will babysit 3. Paid babysitters will hang up and block you. Friends will only do it once.
- shared sickness: Kids share nothing other than viruses with each other. Once you've nursed 3 cases of projectile vomiting back to health and cleaned up you will get it and they won't give a toss.
- travel: Hotels believe a family need 1 double and 2 single beds. When you eventually get out of the hotel you discover every attraction sells 2 adult, 2 children family tickets.
- cars: No matter how much you resist you will own a vw sharran.
- cars 2: You only ever drive somewhere and come back, dividing that into 3 turns in the front seat can't be done.
- cars 3: You'll stop cleaning it after a few months because its pointless. Everything will be broken, sticky and coated in snot. Not only do you drive a sharran, you drive a dirty, germ ridden shit box of a sharran.
- family gifts: If you've ever struggled to think of just 1 thing you can buy your brother imagine also working out what 3 things your kids can buy their uncle. Multiply across your entire family.
lol.
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Old 26.01.2021, 11:58
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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As an only child, I can say that if I ever have kids I will be aiming to have two within 2 years of the other because there are just so many benefits to that. Having a playmate for your entire childhood and an additional emotional support and someone to help look out for you during your entire lifetime is something that imo you can't put a price on.

Of course I am assuming that the kids don't turn out to hate each other as they grow up, but I think that is unusual if you do a decent job of raising them in a stable environment.

This is exactly my background and situation. I was the only child, and I did not like it (despite the luxury of being able to travel and do things that came with being the only child). Fast forward, and me and the wife had 2 kids with an age difference of only 20 months - they are (mostly ) best friends and I can happily watch them grow up together, also knowing that no matter what happens to me and/or the mother, they'll at least have each other.



Now I want(ed) a third one but my wife did initially not, and after some consideration she managed to convince me. The main reason for not going for a third one is that I feel like the younger one of the two (he's only 1.5) would be the "forgotten", as the oldest is always the first in learning things and requires attention, and the third one would be the baby requiring a lot of attention - so the middle one would be the "loser", which I really don't want.
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Old 26.01.2021, 12:00
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Looking at where people learn from in life, I think parents always think it is them that are the models to follow or learn from. Quite often it is the peers and siblings that kids absorb a bunch of useful stuff from, not mentioning helping each other, exchanging. I know a lot of siblings who stepped in the role of a parent, for various reasons. There is so much in life that we cannot plan even if we want to and want to do it the best possible way. I also think that most people are not in a situation where they could actually choose between having 2 or 3 kids, so that is already a bit of an advantage.
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