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  #81  
Old 26.01.2021, 14:46
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I think you have to have a lot of patience and a lot of tolerance for noise and chaos to have three kids. I think you also have to be willing to sacrifice a big part of yourself for that, because when you have kids, they become the epicenter of your universe.
And if your marriage falls apart, then that is 3 kids to deal with for the logistics of who stays where and then the resulting emotional fallout. 2 would be bad enough... hell, one kid is bad enough to go through that trauma.

I mention this, because the chance of a relationship breaking down is close to 50%, so there in a very realistic chance it will happen at some point in your lives no matter how stable you think you are when you have the kids.
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  #82  
Old 26.01.2021, 14:50
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Huge admiration for our youngest, who met the right man too late.
At 49 and 46, they are now in the process of becoming foster parents, with a view to adopt.
We had thought about perhaps doing the same until witnessing our lovely neighbours who adopted, it was a very painful and slow process for them...even after they were able to finally adopt. (In Switzerland, I know it is quite complicate to adopt, perhaps they are not here?) Wishing your youngest and her husband all the best and what a wonderful thing for them to do.

Instead of adoption, I hope that in the not too distant future, we can really use some of the money we've saved towards helping children and animals in need.
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  #83  
Old 26.01.2021, 15:02
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

they are not married btw. Fostering is a real test they have chosen. They have discussed their future hopes with the agency, who understands this- eg, that long-term they are looking at adopting a child who settles well with them and the dogs (dachshund and Viesla).
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  #84  
Old 26.01.2021, 15:02
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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My wife, who incidentally refuses to sign-up on this site told me over breakfast that my earlier post saying 3 kids were expensive wasnít helpful (she groaned me) because everyone knows 3 is more expensive than 2. She reminded me of some of the Ďrealí differences between 2 and 3. Here they are:

- The triangle of Doom: with 2 children there's 1 relationship between them. With 3 children, there's 3. 3 sides to every argument. 3 grudges, 3 injustices, 3 wars of attrition, 3 retaliations. 3 doors slammed.
- Outnumbered: 2 parents can't separate 3 brawling, hormone charged teens. Well, not without sitting on one. I'm not joking either, I distinctly remember the time me and Mrs P looked at each other wondering if we needed to call for help one night. That night we felt like completely failed parents.
- Insurance Guilt: You actually start to feel sorry for your insurer on the 9th visit to A&E.
- No babysitters: Only your close family will babysit 3. Paid babysitters will hang up and block you. Friends will only do it once.
- Shared sickness: Kids share nothing other than viruses with each other. Once you've nursed 3 cases of projectile vomiting back to health and cleaned up you will get it and they won't give a toss.
- Travel: Hotels believe a family need 1 double and 2 single beds. When you eventually get out of the hotel you discover every attraction sells 2 adult, 2 children family tickets.
- Cars: No matter how much you resist you will own a VW Sharran.
- Cars 2: You only ever drive somewhere and come back, dividing that into 3 turns in the front seat can't be done.
- Cars 3: You'll stop cleaning it after a few months because its pointless. Everything will be broken, sticky and coated in snot. Not only do you drive a Sharran, you drive a dirty, germ ridden shit box of a Sharran.
- Family gifts: If you've ever struggled to think of just 1 thing you can buy your brother imagine also working out what 3 things your kids can buy their uncle. Multiply across your entire family.
Thank you very much for that. Those made me smile and are actually very important points
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  #85  
Old 26.01.2021, 15:04
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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We are sticking at two. Maybe would have had more if started younger but for all sorts of reasons now, two it is. We have an almost 5 year age gap. Is great.
That's exactly our situation. But I would have liked them to have smaller age gap. 3 years would be very convenient difference in Switzerland, the kids change stages in school simultaneously. I wish my son could go to my daughter's current teacher in the middle stage of primary school, but unfortunately he is one more year behind.
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  #86  
Old 26.01.2021, 15:07
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Just to throw something into the mix:

A family member married a man who already had children. He was a good father to his now-adult children, but made it very clear at the start of their relationship that he was done parenting.

A few years down the road, the wife found she now desperately wanted children of her own. The husband didn't want to deny her something so important to her, so said that he would go along - as long as she agreed that the child would be 'her project', he would not be significantly involved in the day to day upbringing.

They stuck to that agreement.

There is now a child approaching the teen years. And dear doG, that is one f'd up family. Child resents his rather distant father, mother and father resent one another for the road their lives have taken.

Thank you, we fully agree with you. If we decide to have a third one, we both need to support the decision.
That man really had two kids already and thought he can just "outsource" his third?
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Old 26.01.2021, 15:09
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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We have two young boys (2.5y and 10 months), and although my wife (39) and I(49) would like to have a third, it would be a great risk due to our age. Such a shame we didn't meet 5/10 years earlier..

As it is I'll be retiring as the boys leave school, and be 70 if/when they graduate Uni. And I want to be a parent to my kids, not a grandparent!
Understandable. Age wouldn't be a problem in our case since we are both 33. (We met when we were 16)
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  #88  
Old 26.01.2021, 15:18
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I think you also have to be willing to sacrifice a big part of yourself for that, because when you have kids, they become the epicenter of your universe.
no big sacrifice: when you have 2 kids, you already have no life
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Old 26.01.2021, 15:21
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Well, for me it was more that I didn't find the right partner until late in the game...and to me the right partner was always key, not just from my perspective but also from that of the kids.
i found the right partner early in the game. it's just that i f'ed it up royally as i was too young and immature. if only i had the knowledge and experience that i have now a decade ago!
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  #90  
Old 26.01.2021, 15:23
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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3 years would be very convenient difference in Switzerland, the kids change stages in school simultaneously. I wish my son could go to my daughter's current teacher in the middle stage of primary school, but unfortunately he is one more year behind.
I agree. 3-4 years difference is still OK imho.

Anyways, even if there's a larger age gap between siblings relations can change when they're adults or close to being adults. From siblings barely playing with each other they can become best friends later on.

It's difficult to say there's a universal "recipe" because if you pay attention every situation is different and everyone thinks they've done/got it right.
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  #91  
Old 26.01.2021, 15:27
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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i found the right partner early in the game. it's just that i f'ed it up royally as i was too young and immature. if only i had the knowledge and experience that i have now a decade ago!
If you had acted on that knowledge a decade ago, then the super smart newer older Phil v2 would still have found the experienced younger v2 Phil a failure
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Old 26.01.2021, 15:40
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I'm one of three kids, the other two came quite a bit later. There were quite a few situations where planning, infrastructure and what have you made it clear that the expected maximum number of kids is two. I still remember them now... Plus, you don't know if your third may end up being a duo or even a triple, what do you do then? And even if it were only the one child, what if it was a special needs child or just a super difficult kid, would you be able to overcome the part where you think "my life is now much more difficult because of a child that I never wanted in the first place"?

I'm surprised that one would try to convince someone to have another child, almost like getting someone to have dessert when they are already full. That's weird. I mean, I want zero kids, so that would be a very quick conversation if it were me, but from a theoretical standpoint anything more than two sounds like too much work and a missing pair of hands when they go batsh*t crazy as they sometimes do... Friends of mine have four but they have a nanny and they decided that they would be getting the nanny before number three arrived. They both always wanted a big family but quickly realised that for their particular brand of kid (extremely lively, highly intelligent boys), it was a bit much for the two of them.

I reckon you should just get a dog, it'll keep the kids happy and I don't know many people who were not happier for having a dog.
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  #93  
Old 26.01.2021, 16:46
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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And I'll just sit here happily reading these comments, perfectly content with my choice of "No kids"

By the way, are you as happy with your parents' decisions, about how many children they had?
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  #94  
Old 26.01.2021, 16:57
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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By the way, are you as happy with your parents' decisions, about how many children they had?
If it was me whom you asked I'd say I always wanted a younger sibling (I am the youngest in my family) because I loved to play and take care of younger kids even when I was a child myself. My aunts and neighbours had trusted me in quite a few situations, later on I tutored and helped younger kids with their home works, I babysat. But now? Nah, it's fine. My parents wouldn't have coped too well I think, being very busy with work and all that.
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Old 26.01.2021, 17:05
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Now this post sounds more like real life.

Much more than some of the other posts which have seemed, to me, to be rather romanticising the wonderfulness of growing up with siblings with whom they would have played all day for years, and then go on to be one another's confidantes as adults, as they plan, together, for their parents' aging. Yes, indeed, some families do really work like that, and I'm sure some people ache and yearn for their sister or brother, across the miles. I don't see many of them around me, though.

I just mentally went through roughly 30 or 40 people with whom I have fairly frequent contact in a range of contexts, and was surprised to find only a small handful who, as adults, have a strong bond to a sibling whom they regard as someone they want to see and even as a good friend.

For some of the others, their siblings are okay-ish but ever at a distance. They're people whom they dread or tolerate or vaguely like meeting at Christmas, Bayram or at the obligatory birthday parties of Aunt Louisa, (only to be reminded, then, why they don't have more frequent contact) or, despite all differences, if someone needs help moving home, and perhaps also if there's an emergency. Some need to remind themselves to put their siblings on a To Do List (call Bruno). A few are antagonists or even ex-siblings, but for most of them, their siblings are largely not much part of their current lives, one way or another.
I find those comments rather sad. I, on the contrary, only know one person who isn't that close to her siblings. Everyone else I know, including myself, has an extremely strong bond with their brothers and sisters. My brothers have enriched my life and I couldn't imagine not having them in it, and their wives and children. I am happy to say that my sons feel the same way about each other.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer it was my family that gave me the support I needed. For me knowing that there are people who are truly there for you throughout your life is everything. Not romanticism, just simple fact.
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Old 26.01.2021, 17:10
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I find those comments rather sad. I, on the contrary, only know one person who isn't that close to her siblings. Everyone else I know, including myself, has an extremely strong bond with their brothers and sisters. My brothers have enriched my life and I couldn't imagine not having them in it, and their wives and children. I am happy to say that my sons feel the same way about each other.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer it was my family that gave me the support I needed. For me knowing that there are people who are truly there for you throughout your life is everything. Not romanticism, just simple fact.
I agree. They know us the longest, too.
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Old 26.01.2021, 17:22
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I mention this, because the chance of a relationship breaking down is close to 50%, so there in a very realistic chance it will happen at some point in your lives no matter how stable you think you are when you have the kids.
Separation/divorce is one thing (approximately 50% like you mentioned), I wonder what % stay together for the sake of the kids plus economic/social reasons but are miserable in each other's company?

My gut feeling based on observation would be around 40%. So I think the real failure rate is closer to 90%
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Old 26.01.2021, 17:31
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Everyone else I know, including myself, has an extremely strong bond with their brothers and sisters. My brothers have enriched my life and I couldn't imagine not having them in it, and their wives and children. I am happy to say that my sons feel the same way about each other.
Yes, I personally feel the same. But I also know relations between siblings that went...sour. Or maybe not sour but they're rather cold with each other, which for me is unconceivable.
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Old 26.01.2021, 17:33
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I find those comments rather sad. I, on the contrary, only know one person who isn't that close to her siblings. Everyone else I know, including myself, has an extremely strong bond with their brothers and sisters. My brothers have enriched my life and I couldn't imagine not having them in it, and their wives and children. I am happy to say that my sons feel the same way about each other.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer it was my family that gave me the support I needed. For me knowing that there are people who are truly there for you throughout your life is everything. Not romanticism, just simple fact.
I really think doropfiz is exaggerating in some style. Almost all siblings squabble at some point and I only know a small proportion of people with siblings who REALLY don't get along with them to the point of dysfunction. For the rest, they are generally an essential support network in life.
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Old 26.01.2021, 17:41
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I have come across many siblings who are not close to each other.

-People grow apart. Different outlook on life, not compatible with each other as adults
-Ego
-Childhood grievances
-Bad parents
-Partners of siblings can also drive a further wedge.

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Youíve all heard the saying, meaning that family ties are to be the most prized and highly revered in our life, simply by means of their being family. Regardless of the character or emotional health of these people, regardless of however they might treat us on a regular basis, that merely by their being blood relations, they are meant to come above anyone else in oneís life.

I am going to push back on and flat out disagree with that ideology. Instead of such a blind and blanketed statement, I would offer: it very much depends.

For some, family is highly revered and of utmost priority for good reason. Assuming oneís family members are kind-hearted, good people who treat their loved ones healthfully, with respect, genuine love, and support.

For many though, this isnít the case. There are a wide sweeping number of people who have family that is: manipulative, deceitful, aggressive, bullying, abusive, toxic, the perpetual victim (aka kings/queens of guilt-tripping their children into what they want), rageful, depressive, incredibly emotionally unhealthy, you name it. The list of possible dangerous/harmful traits is not limited.
Source- https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...an-water-cmtt/
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