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  #101  
Old 26.01.2021, 17:44
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I have come across many siblings who are not close to each other.

-People grow apart. Different outlook on life, not compatible with each other as adults
-Ego
-Childhood grievances
-Bad parents
-Partners of siblings can also drive a further wedge.

Copy Past-



Source- https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...an-water-cmtt/
Yes but a BIG part of this is down to the parents. If you raise your kids in a loving and stable environment where you emphasise taking care of each your siblings then the chances are that they will get along.

If parents create and maintain a toxic atmosphere and don't nurture a positive environment between everyone then obviously that is very likely going to harm development and relationships between everyone.
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  #102  
Old 26.01.2021, 17:51
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I know families mostly in wealthier west than more modest EE, where parents raised their children each as the only child, despite having more than one child. Kids claim separate sets of all (toys, gadgets..), sharing is rare and competition and grudge is frequent. As if the parents had to excuse themselves to their kids for wanting to have more than one child, a big guilt-trip. It seems that the parents grew up competing for love as well. It is rather sad.
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  #103  
Old 26.01.2021, 17:56
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Yes but a BIG part of this is down to the parents. If you raise your kids in a loving and stable environment where you emphasise taking care of each your siblings then the chances are that they will get along.

If parents create and maintain a toxic atmosphere and don't nurture a positive environment between everyone then this obviously that is very likely going to harm development and relationships between everyone.
Yes in theory I fully agree but there is also nature vs nurture thing. Some of the best people I have known came from very toxic parents and on the other hand really great parents have ended up with toxic kids.


Some apples are just plain rotten
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  #104  
Old 26.01.2021, 17:59
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Yes in theory I fully agree but there is also nature vs nurture thing. Some of the best people I have known came from very toxic parents and on the other hand really great parents have ended up with toxic kids.

Some apples are just plain rotten
I think a lot of parents who think they are "great", and yet have toxic children, probably aren't very aware of their flaws and mistakes they made while raising them.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and all that.
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  #105  
Old 26.01.2021, 18:05
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I think a lot of parents who think they are "great", and yet have toxic children, probably aren't very aware of their flaws and mistakes they made while raising them.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and all that.
The reality is that people are individuals and it doesn't matter if you have 2 children or 20 - they will all be different.

A family I grew up with has 5 kids. Very nice family, hard working, church-going and all that. As adults making their own choices, two of them wound up in prison for different crimes. The other three are law abiding citizens with spotless records. I can't say the parents were flawed in this case. The two adults simply made poor decisions and thankfully are learning from them.
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  #106  
Old 26.01.2021, 18:23
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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The reality is that people are individuals and it doesn't matter if you have 2 children or 20 - they will all be different.

A family I grew up with has 5 kids. Very nice family, hard working, church-going and all that. As adults making their own choices, two of them wound up in prison for different crimes. The other three are law abiding citizens with spotless records. I can't say the parents were flawed in this case. The two adults simply made poor decisions and thankfully are learning from them.
I love how far on a tangent we are getting here to the topic of raising kids that get along with each other. Now it's become some kind of weird competition to find the best anecdote for adults going off the rails despite what "amazing" parents they had? No-one is saying that teenagers and adults can't make poor conscious choices... we are mainly talking about toxic children and raising children in a positive environment that helps to promote good relationships between them.

I don't think people need telling that adults don't always turn out nice people and/or make crappy choices because this is really just stating the obvious.
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  #107  
Old 26.01.2021, 18:31
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I love how far on a tangent we are getting here to the topic of raising kids that get along with each other. Now it's become some kind of weird competition to find the best anecdote for adults going off the rails despite what "amazing" parents they had? No-one is saying that teenagers and adults can't make poor conscious choices... we are mainly talking about toxic children and raising children in a positive environment that helps to promote good relationships between them.

I don't think people need telling that adults don't always turn out nice people and/or make crappy choices because this is really just stating the obvious.
Plenty of kids with very pleasant and decent parents can turn out to be shits. Have plenty of anecdotes about "bad seeds" in otherwise great families. And vice versa. Can't entirely rule out nature.
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  #108  
Old 26.01.2021, 18:37
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

@OP,

Is this discussion of any help to you?

I think each situation is different. If you're both in your early thirties you still have some time to decide. My friend just had her first child and she's 40. So, maybe a marriage counselor would help both of you better? Some "couple time" without your kids would also help I think.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.
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  #109  
Old 26.01.2021, 18:54
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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@OP,

Is this discussion of any help to you?

I think each situation is different. If you're both in your early thirties you still have some time to decide. My friend just had her first child and she's 40. So, maybe a marriage counselor would help both of you better? Some "couple time" without your kids would also help I think.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.
Exactly. You've got a other 10 years or so, easy.
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  #110  
Old 26.01.2021, 18:56
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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By the way, are you as happy with your parents' decisions, about how many children they had?
I wish my parents had zero kids.
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  #111  
Old 26.01.2021, 18:59
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I love how far on a tangent we are getting here to the topic of raising kids that get along with each other. Now it's become some kind of weird competition to find the best anecdote for adults going off the rails despite what "amazing" parents they had? No-one is saying that teenagers and adults can't make poor conscious choices... we are mainly talking about toxic children and raising children in a positive environment that helps to promote good relationships between them.
I disagree it's a competition. OP and his wife are discussing a decision that could have life-long ramifications for all. Our members are simply offering their experiences, which vary widely. I didn't feel the discussion was about "toxic children" but more about how we can't plan for every scenario in life.
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  #112  
Old 26.01.2021, 20:07
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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By the way, are you as happy with your parents' decisions, about how many children they had?
I was an "oops". My Mom told me as much. My parents had a boy, two years later a girl, and then four years later another girl. I don't think my middle sister was planned. But six years later when my Mom turned 40 and found out she was pregnant with me, she said "I don't WANT another kid!"

But she kept me and here I am. If she didn't have me, then my husband might not have the stellar wife he has now
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  #113  
Old 26.01.2021, 20:15
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

We have told our eldest that she was the most amazing and best accident we have ever had- and she is happy with that- because she knows how she was welcomed and loved so much, and still is. I was far too young, and had not family around and no OH either most of the time due to his crazy working hours. But me made it- and she is amazing. Numero due was very much planned - and she is amazing too in a very different way.

I was the youngest of 3- my oldest brother is 14 years older- my mum remarried after a difficult divorce, and then came my brother and me, 2.5 years apart. All planned and wanted- but brothers often say, just don't know what would have happened if you had been a boy- as they called all called me little sister ever since they knew mum was pregnant.
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  #114  
Old 26.01.2021, 21:16
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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@OP,

Is this discussion of any help to you?

I think each situation is different. If you're both in your early thirties you still have some time to decide. My friend just had her first child and she's 40. So, maybe a marriage counselor would help both of you better? Some "couple time" without your kids would also help I think.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.
The one about shitty parents and their toxic spawns? We actually try to avoid going in that direction

No seriously, we got a lot of helpfull input here. I read a lot of the points that I already told my wife and vice versa. It was nice to see that we aren't the only ones with that kind of problem.
We arranged an appointment for counceling next thursday, we'll see how it goes.
Nowaday, since the daugther is older, we get a lot of couple time. Another thing I don't want to put on hold for two years again. Or longer, since organizing a babysitter for 3 is much harder than for 2.
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  #115  
Old 26.01.2021, 21:27
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Good luck Elu.
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  #116  
Old 26.01.2021, 21:34
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Dear EF
I met my wife 17 years ago and for the first time now, we encountered a problem we can't solve together.
Simply put, my wife wants a third child (our son is almost 5, daugther 2.5 years old) and I don't.
We could finance having a third one, living space isn't a problem either. My wife is a full time housewife.

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I don't want to over/undershare, if anyone has some additional questions, just ask.
Happy Wife, Happy Life!
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  #117  
Old 26.01.2021, 22:00
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

It's really a tough question, Elu, and I applaud you talking with your wife and asking for opinions. These kinds of decisions need both parties to be fully invested in whatever the outcome may be.

You already know what to expect if you stay as a family of four. You have a nice life that you and the family enjoy. You and your spouse get along, have enough time for each other and the children, etc. Another child introduces a new element, and you can't always predict how it will work out.

I wish you and your wife the best as you wrestle with this decision. As you're both young, I'd say you have three options: 1) expand the family now, 2) decide not to expand the family, or 3) decide to revisit the idea in a year or so.
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  #118  
Old 26.01.2021, 23:28
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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We arranged an appointment for counceling next thursday, we'll see how it goes.
Nowaday, since the daugther is older, we get a lot of couple time. Another thing I don't want to put on hold for two years again. Or longer, since organizing a babysitter for 3 is much harder than for 2.
It looks like you know what you need to do, best of luck!
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  #119  
Old 26.01.2021, 23:35
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

When a couple both agree to go for Counselling- then it is an amazing start. So often, one just refuses point blank to get help- so bravo to both of you, et bonne chance.
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  #120  
Old 27.01.2021, 00:39
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I find those comments rather sad. I, on the contrary, only know one person who isn't that close to her siblings. Everyone else I know, including myself, has an extremely strong bond with their brothers and sisters. My brothers have enriched my life and I couldn't imagine not having them in it, and their wives and children. I am happy to say that my sons feel the same way about each other.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer it was my family that gave me the support I needed. For me knowing that there are people who are truly there for you throughout your life is everything. Not romanticism, just simple fact.
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Yes, I personally feel the same. But I also know relations between siblings that went...sour. Or maybe not sour but they're rather cold with each other, which for me is unconceivable.
Well, you are blessed indeed, Klostersgirl and greenmount.

Yes, when I was working through the list, certainly, I also found it rather sad. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that most people I know (with some few, glorious exceptions... see below) are more or less shoulder-shrugging indifferent towards their siblings, as in okay to see once in a while, mainly if someone else organises it, but basically annoying or boring or so completely different from one's own way of doing things, and all fine if there's no particular contact.

So, reading your reports was kinda nice, and I'll mentally add them to my small subset of the small sample, where the good kind of sibling connection does exist, and not just in a Hallmark movie!

I do know one man who, whenever he spends a weekend with his brother, comes back absolutely glowing and relaxed. It's like being with his brother is a kind of healthy re-set, it reminds him of who he is, and, looking on from the outside, I get the impression that the brother must be very funny, or draw out his funny side. Lovely to see that afterglow, of a man visiting the brother he respects and loves.
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