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Old 27.01.2021, 09:07
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I wonder if there is a cultural aspect to Doropfiz’s observation. In Mauritius, I know of quite a few families where there is some sibling rivalry and where siblings end up not speaking to each other for many many years. And often don’t remember the source of their fight

I remember as a kid, I was raised “by the village”: meaning aunts and uncles and neighbours were all part of my growing up. When my mother was pregnant with my sister, someone told me that I will have a little brother or sister, and that my parents will stop loving me once the baby arrived. God knows why someone would say something like this to a little child; my mother had a tough time stopping me from “attacking” my baby sister. It took years for us to start loving each other as sisters and stop being jealous of each other.

In some cultures, it is (was) also “normal” to have a favourite child. It may be a question which sounds utterly horrible to some, but I have often heard my father being asked “who was his favourite child?”, both my sister and I within earshot. Or being told how unlucky he was not to have any sons!

So, some of these things may seem totally and unbelievably wrong, but they do occur in some families.

Last edited by Clumsy Maman; 27.01.2021 at 09:28.
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  #122  
Old 27.01.2021, 09:19
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Wow, I must commend the EF participants in this thread...it has reached 7 pages and remained mostly constructive, with more reflective or anecdotal responses rather than criticism and judgement.

There is hope for humanity
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  #123  
Old 27.01.2021, 09:46
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Well, you are blessed indeed, Klostersgirl and greenmount.

Yes, when I was working through the list, certainly, I also found it rather sad. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that most people I know (with some few, glorious exceptions... see below) are more or less shoulder-shrugging indifferent towards their siblings, as in okay to see once in a while, mainly if someone else organises it, but basically annoying or boring or so completely different from one's own way of doing things, and all fine if there's no particular contact.

So, reading your reports was kinda nice, and I'll mentally add them to my small subset of the small sample, where the good kind of sibling connection does exist, and not just in a Hallmark movie!

I do know one man who, whenever he spends a weekend with his brother, comes back absolutely glowing and relaxed. It's like being with his brother is a kind of healthy re-set, it reminds him of who he is, and, looking on from the outside, I get the impression that the brother must be very funny, or draw out his funny side. Lovely to see that afterglow, of a man visiting the brother he respects and loves.
I can't speak for Klostergirl but as far as I'm concerned having a strong bond and a loving relation does not mean we never fought (fight)/argue. I wouldn't describe my family as Hallmark movie type - whatever that means, we're too opinionated for that!
It makes me laugh now of course but I remember my mother being exasperated by our long arguments. She is the eldest one of three and her siblings revered her. She couldn't understand our brotherly "dynamics". But it worked fine for us. So yes, each family is different but I think that I don't know many families in which siblings don't love each other or don't offer each other or their parents a huge, unconditioned support in life. At the end of the day this is all that matters. I don't say they don't exist. In every culture.

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Wow, I must commend the EF participants in this thread...it has reached 7 pages and remained mostly constructive, with more reflective or anecdotal responses rather than criticism and judgement.

There is hope for humanity
Ahhh, you're too kind, sir. We're always happy to entertain the bystanders.

Last edited by greenmount; 27.01.2021 at 09:59.
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  #124  
Old 27.01.2021, 10:13
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I think that I don't know many families in which siblings don't love each other or don't offer each other or their parents a huge, unconditioned support in life.
Their parents, as well!?
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  #125  
Old 27.01.2021, 10:16
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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When my mother was pregnant with my sister, someone told me that I will have a little brother or sister, and that my parents will stop loving me once the baby arrived. God knows why someone would say something like this to a little child; my mother had a tough time stopping me from “attacking” my baby sister. It took years for us to start loving each other as sisters and stop being jealous of each other.
Wow, that sounds like a painful road. What a stupid, stupid, cruel thing for anyone to say to a child whose mother was expecting their sibling! Glad to hear that you and your sister found your way.
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  #126  
Old 27.01.2021, 10:21
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Wow, I must commend the EF participants in this thread...it has reached 7 pages and remained mostly constructive, with more reflective or anecdotal responses rather than criticism and judgement.

There is hope for humanity

I'm in total shock too. feels like the old EF days. I had ignored this thread as we don't have any kids yet alone thinking of the third. But I like how people were supportive of the choice not to have kids here. Also the discussions about their parents situation (ie. i am also the middle child with 2 siblings) Since I also know some of you way back when you were single no kids. I smile at how you are parents now too. Kind of like EF family. ok enough fluffiness...back to normal bickering...i mean broadcasting
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  #127  
Old 27.01.2021, 10:26
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Wow, I must commend the EF participants in this thread...it has reached 7 pages and remained mostly constructive, with more reflective or anecdotal responses rather than criticism and judgement.

There is hope for humanity
I think it is also down to the OP having started it with the right balance of "I want to be fair about this but am also just a human". His subsequent responses suggest that he is really putting in the work and it sounds like his wife is also being constructive if they are both going to counseling (awesome that they are doing that!).

But yes, it has been a very good thread so far!
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  #128  
Old 27.01.2021, 10:27
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Wow, I must commend the EF participants in this thread...it has reached 7 pages and remained mostly constructive, with more reflective or anecdotal responses rather than criticism and judgement.

There is hope for humanity
Yes, this. Perhaps at least part of it is because of the opening sentence of the opening post, written by a man who wants to be true to himself and honest in his dealings, in a long-standing marriage, and full of compassion for his wife's perspective.

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Dear EF
I met my wife 17 years ago and for the first time now, we encountered a problem we can't solve together.
Simply put, my wife wants a third child (our son is almost 5, daugther 2.5 years old) and I don't.
We could finance having a third one, living space isn't a problem either. My wife is a full time housewife.

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I don't want to over/undershare, if anyone has some additional questions, just ask.
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Let me just quickly add that I asked my wife before posting about her. Thanks for your concerns.

Im bringing my kids to bed now and will respond tomorrow to your valued posts
Elu and MrsElu, you're impressive.

EDIT: Oh, I've just seen that Kittster was fasternme!
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  #129  
Old 27.01.2021, 10:46
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

True, it is often the intent, context and balance written into the original post that dictates the responses...here the OP has been superb.

But hey, it's almost Friday..
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  #130  
Old 27.01.2021, 10:58
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I can't speak for Klostergirl but as far as I'm concerned having a strong bond and a loving relation does not mean we never fought (fight)/argue. I wouldn't describe my family as Hallmark movie type - whatever that means, we're too opinionated for that!
It makes me laugh now of course but I remember my mother being exasperated by our long arguments. She is the eldest one of three and her siblings revered her. She couldn't understand our brotherly "dynamics". But it worked fine for us. So yes, each family is different but I think that I don't know many families in which siblings don't love each other or don't offer each other or their parents a huge, unconditioned support in life. At the end of the day this is all that matters. I don't say they don't exist. In every culture.



Ahhh, you're too kind, sir. We're always happy to entertain the bystanders.
In my personal case, I have never argued with my brothers as adults (obviously we had the usual childhood squabbles.). This was a conscious decision made by the three of us when my father suddenly and horrifyingly died when we were 23, 22 and 21. Obviously it was an awful time, and although we had always been close, it brought home to us that family is everything. 37 years later we are still living by that mantra.

We aren't some happy clappy Disney family. My brothers are loud and gregarious and can be bloody irritating. I am opinionated and bossy (or so they tell me), but, put simply, we love each other and we all value our relationship and our shared history. I really hope that is the case in most families.
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  #131  
Old 27.01.2021, 11:05
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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This was a conscious decision made by the three of us when my father suddenly and horrifyingly died when we were 23, 22 and 21.
You guys used a sad event to further strengthen your family bond, unfortunately in many families sad events cause breaking of the family bond.

Siblings squabbling over inheritance for example is one of the most common issue the world over.
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  #132  
Old 27.01.2021, 11:16
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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In my personal case, I have never argued with my brothers as adults (obviously we had the usual childhood squabbles.). This was a conscious decision made by the three of us when my father suddenly and horrifyingly died when we were 23, 22 and 21. Obviously it was an awful time, and although we had always been close, it brought home to us that family is everything. 37 years later we are still living by that mantra.

We aren't some happy clappy Disney family. My brothers are loud and gregarious and can be bloody irritating. I am opinionated and bossy (or so they tell me), but, put simply, we love each other and we all value our relationship and our shared history. I really hope that is the case in most families.
No, not as adults, or at least not for the most part of adulthood. But even when we do, very, very rarely, it's for some minor subject that we forget about almost immediately. We never hold grudges. I also hope that is the case for most families.
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Old 27.01.2021, 11:26
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Humans can be very complex and extremely selfish creatures. In some situations I just scratch my head and wonder how can adults be so thick and not see basic common sense issues. So many stories
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  #134  
Old 27.01.2021, 11:47
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Yes, this. Perhaps at least part of it is because of the opening sentence of the opening post, written by a man who wants to be true to himself and honest in his dealings, in a long-standing marriage, and full of compassion for his wife's perspective.


and then:


Elu and MrsElu, you're impressive.

EDIT: Oh, I've just seen that Kittster was fasternme!
You are making me blush But thank you all.

It's certainly a topic everyone can relate to, there's no right or wrong and for once, anecdotal evidence is welcomed.

I've never doubted that there will anything but benevolent responses wether they are in agreement with me or not. EF is still a wonderfull resource for getting advice (on anything in switzerland).

When I read some of the posts about the decline of EF, I wonder wether its EF which changed or the Forum Veterans/Legends, which, understandably, grow tired of answering the same questions over and over to people who quite often are in denial or don't even respond at all. Meanwhile, they are fully integrated in switzerland and don't really get something back from EF apart from the satisfaction of helping someone.
Whats left is engaging in circular arguments in the OT section (I personally like doing that sometimes) or continuing some long lasting feuds with mods or other members.
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  #135  
Old 27.01.2021, 12:02
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Wow, that sounds like a painful road. What a stupid, stupid, cruel thing for anyone to say to a child whose mother was expecting their sibling! Glad to hear that you and your sister found your way.
We were lucky to have great parents, who were always there for us. But it was definitely a hard and painful road for our parents to stop the extended family from influencing us.
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  #136  
Old 27.01.2021, 13:57
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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You are making me blush But thank you all.

It's certainly a topic everyone can relate to, there's no right or wrong and for once, anecdotal evidence is welcomed.

I've never doubted that there will anything but benevolent responses wether they are in agreement with me or not. EF is still a wonderfull resource for getting advice (on anything in switzerland).

When I read some of the posts about the decline of EF, I wonder wether its EF which changed or the Forum Veterans/Legends, which, understandably, grow tired of answering the same questions over and over to people who quite often are in denial or don't even respond at all. Meanwhile, they are fully integrated in switzerland and don't really get something back from EF apart from the satisfaction of helping someone.
Whats left is engaging in circular arguments in the OT section (I personally like doing that sometimes) or continuing some long lasting feuds with mods or other members.

you hit the nail on the head. good description on the rise and fall of EF the past decade or so (yes when i was OOC AWOL)
I think the reason why your thread has had this type of response is because you shared something so personal and opened up and you weren't trolling (again something pretty rare on EF these days) and coming from someone from Olten too! Joking aside, i also wish you and mrs elu a good resolution to all this.
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Old 27.01.2021, 14:33
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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You guys used a sad event to further strengthen your family bond, unfortunately in many families sad events cause breaking of the family bond.

Siblings squabbling over inheritance for example is one of the most common issue the world over.
That's another thing I do not understand...Rivalry nor this. Thankfully, one has control over what environment one allows to be in, in adulthood.
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Old 27.01.2021, 14:34
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Humans can be very complex and extremely selfish creatures. In some situations I just scratch my head and wonder how can adults be so thick and not see basic common sense issues. So many stories
Some things in life are simple. Most stuff can be seen that way.
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Old 27.01.2021, 14:41
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

My brothers have fallen out over money and possessions - and I have been pig in the middle, trying to mend things- but enough is enough now. I think they would have sorted things out between themselves- but it is their wives that fanned the flammes, again and again. Least said.
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Old 27.01.2021, 15:42
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

There's always divorce.

Or come out as transsexual.

Tom
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