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  #161  
Old 02.02.2021, 20:50
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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My Solicitor from ZH when aged 49 married a woman of 36, she died at 39, 3 weeks after their second child was born. He never expected to be a single Father at 52.
That's really sad. I'm not trying to scare OP or anything, btw. I think it's normal to focus on the near term of a new baby and how the family dynamic could change. Yet it seems parents rarely discuss how they'll manage if something happens to one or both while the kids are young. Now seems like a good time while they're ironing out whether to add to the family.
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  #162  
Old 02.02.2021, 22:45
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Often, there's insurance to cover the financial consequences if the breadwinner dies, as part of their employer's pension scheme, for example, and/or an extra insurance together with their mortgage, or a straightforward life insurance policy.

I think it's also very important, but often overlooked, to have insurance cover over the life of any full-time (or most-of-the-time) stay-at-home parent, too.
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  #163  
Old 03.02.2021, 14:52
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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You wrote this:




And then this:



You can't possibly have been an only child yourself and had siblings at the same time so you too are basing your opinion on least one experience which you did not have.

Bit hypocritical if you ask me...
How is this hypocritical? It's why I said it's my opinion (I missed that qualifier in posts before mine). It's impossible to know for an individual case but I do have an opinion for the general case. I include it only to show the opinion portayed in the rest of the thread is not universal. Of course everyone should make their own judgements (and live with them). Take from it what you wish (even if that's nothing).

W.r.t. the other answers to my post: I only see advantages mentioned for the younger child. But after you have one and are deciding to have another don't you have the current 1 to think of primarily?

Also wrt dealing with your parents' deaths: you don't have a partner? Friends? Both of which are superior to a random person that happens to be your sibling (unless of course your sibling is your best friend). For me personally: it would be just another issue to deal with (not the end of the world, but not a net positive).

Anyway: people should do what they want to do. But please don't try to pass it off as doing it for your current child. Realize you are doing this for yourself (and partner) not to "give your child a playmate/protector w/e".
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  #164  
Old 03.02.2021, 15:08
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Anyway: people should do what they want to do. But please don't try to pass it off as doing it for your current child. Realize you are doing this for yourself (and partner) not to "give your child a playmate/protector w/e".

This statement is too much of a generalization. There are multiple reasons why people have big(ger), smaller or no families. Trying to encapsulate having siblings into a statement like this is naive.
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  #165  
Old 03.02.2021, 15:14
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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I was often bullied by girls in high school, including a group of girls on my bus. I absolutely dreaded having to take that bus to and from school every day. Then one day, I guess I just finally had enough and I stood up to them. The bullying immediately stopped after that. I could tell they were completely shocked that I had stood up to them, and I realized that by doing so, I had taken their power away from them. Because that's what bullying is about -- power.

A similar situation happened in my gym class when a group of about 5 girls would try to bully me every day, even getting physical with trying to knock me over during basketball, etc. Then once again, I guess I just finally had enough, and I stood up to them. And once again, their bullying immediately stopped after that.

Has your daughter ever tried to stand up to them, verbally? Standing up to them might be the best way for her to take away their power and their ability to derive a sense of power in their ability to bully her, because if they realize that she's not going to put up with it, their behavior very well might stop. Most of these bullies are just "all talk" -- trying to show off in front of their friends. But if you switch the script and make THEM feel stupid, then it's usually "game over."

Anyways... I guess that's just my "two cents" on it. But I guess I learned in two different scenarios in school that the best way to get bullying to stop is to stand up to them.
Or to ignore them...unless it becomes too mental. It always depends. I've been raised between two schools of thought on this issue - my parents, especially my mom - would say things like "Be the bigger person. Don't stoop to their level." But having an older brother is bliss - I have also learned that serving the bullies their own medicine might save me from a lot of a headaches.

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Looking out for her in the playground is not something I or my other half can do no matter how "good" we are.


Its just one example.
This. I really appreciated being looked after by my brother.
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  #166  
Old 03.02.2021, 15:20
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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This statement is too much of a generalization.
Could be, but I don't think he's giving a formula on how it should be..it is how he sees it. I think those working with kids will see how sibings are most times than not very useful, so we'll tend to promote and see the need for them. I think a bunch of parents have/don't have more kids because they think of welllbeing of their existing child.
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  #167  
Old 03.02.2021, 15:44
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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This. I really appreciated being looked after by my brother.
Whilst I was really proud and happy to look after my little brother initially, having to prise him away from me to go back to class at the end of breaks got to be a bit tiresome after a while.
It did gradually get better and he did eventually settle down in school but it would be safe to say that he never actually liked it and left at the first opportunity he got. The apprenticeship system was ideal for him.
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  #168  
Old 03.02.2021, 16:05
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Whilst I was really proud and happy to look after my little brother initially, having to prise him away from me to go back to class at the end of breaks got to be a bit tiresome after a while.
It did gradually get better and he did eventually settle down in school but it would be safe to say that he never actually liked it and left at the first opportunity he got. The apprenticeship system was ideal for him.
Aww, we didn't have that kind of clingy relation, it must have been tiresome for you. Luckily we didn't study in the same school so I can see why the Swiss system tends to split siblings. But I knew I could count on him and ask for his help when needed. I was happy to go to school because I wanted to do the same things like him - do my homework, read etc. It's the same with my kids btw.
In some families I know the eldest child got a lot of (sometimes a tad unreasonable) expectations to deal with - settle an example for the others, look after them etc. It's OK up to a point, I guess. But asking the eldest child to be perfect is not.
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  #169  
Old 03.02.2021, 16:47
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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He never expected to be a single Father at 52.
And I didn't expect to be one at 44.

But shit happens.

Tom
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  #170  
Old 03.02.2021, 21:49
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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And I didn't expect to be one at 44.

But shit blessings happens.

Tom
FTFY. I know you're very proud of your daughters.
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  #171  
Old 25.10.2021, 17:36
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Dear EF Community,
Thanks again for your valued contributions in this thread I would like to come back to it with a little update

To me its the first co-pregnancy without any concerns or second guessing and I am delighted to welcome our second daugther early next year
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  #172  
Old 25.10.2021, 17:53
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Congrats!
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  #173  
Old 25.10.2021, 17:54
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Many congratulations to you and your wife. You obviously made good use of lockdown! Very nice of you to come back and finish the story.
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  #174  
Old 25.10.2021, 18:31
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Congratulations!
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  #175  
Old 25.10.2021, 19:20
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I never had problems with girls bullying me. They wanted to stay on my good side so they might catch a glimpse of my brother...

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  #176  
Old 25.10.2021, 19:57
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Congratulations, Elu
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