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Old 25.01.2021, 16:56
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Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Dear EF
I met my wife 17 years ago and for the first time now, we encountered a problem we can't solve together.
Simply put, my wife wants a third child (our son is almost 5, daugther 2.5 years old) and I don't.
We could finance having a third one, living space isn't a problem either. My wife is a full time housewife.

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I don't want to over/undershare, if anyone has some additional questions, just ask.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:00
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Dear EF
I met my wife 17 years ago and for the first time now, we encountered a problem we can't solve together.
Simply put, my wife wants a third child (our son is almost 5, daugther 2.5 years old) and I don't.
We could finance having a third one, living space isn't a problem either. My wife is a full time housewife.

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I don't want to over/undershare, if anyone has some additional questions, just ask.
Talk to your wife?!!
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:00
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

I didn't want a second, and she convinced me to have him. I'm glad we did. Then I didn't want a third. She convinced me to have her. I'm glad we did.

Let her try to convince you. You are unlikely to regret the outcome, whatever it is.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:03
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Dear EF
I met my wife 17 years ago and for the first time now, we encountered a problem we can't solve together.
Simply put, my wife wants a third child (our son is almost 5, daugther 2.5 years old) and I don't.
We could finance having a third one, living space isn't a problem either. My wife is a full time housewife.

If someone has advice to give or wants to share experiences, feel free
I don't want to over/undershare, if anyone has some additional questions, just ask.
Maybe it would help if you say, given that finances etc aren't a problem, the specific reasons why you don't want another one?
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:03
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Talk to your wife?!!
Ohh we do talk about that. Several hours a week. We can empathize with each other and understand the partners reasoning. Thats nice and all, doesn't solve the problem tough.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:04
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Maybe start with why you don’t want one? Are you finding it more stressful or draining? You want to focus on other things/hobbies in the next 10 years?

Maybe compromise and get a pet
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:08
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Maybe it would help if you say, given that finances etc aren't a problem, the specific reasons why you don't want another one?
One point is, that I really like my life how it is right now. Why put that at risk?

The second, and main point is harder to explain.
I somehow feel that I owe it to my hypothethical future child, that I want/wish for him or her as I did for my two kids now.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:10
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

After our first child my wife wanted a second one, however I didn't.

You both need to be happy to have an extra child, not just one out of two.

We're four years later and although sometimes it comes up it's still a no-no for me (for reasons I wish not to share on this forum).

It appears that most pressure these days to have a second child comes from the outside; grand parents, or random people that that assume it's "better" to have more than one child.


Just to note; finances, living space or time to raise children is not an issue for us.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:13
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Curiously, what does your wife say is her reason(s) for wanting another child?

I just hope she has a realistic understanding of how much more stressful a third child will be... and for such a long time. Perhaps she should also consider that limiting the number of kids you have is one of the best things someone can do for our species and our climate.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:14
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

You certainly are not alone. I wouldn't be surprised if most dads didn't want their 3rd kids even if they did want 1st or 2nd. I certainly have plenty of friends in that position. They compromised, its not ideal for them, they chose their battles and are still together as families albeit a little more chaotic than before. You can't always have your own way.....
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:19
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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After our first child my wife wanted a second one, however I didn't.

You both need to be happy to have an extra child, not just one out of two.

We're four years later and although sometimes it comes up it's still a no-no for me (for reasons I wish not to share on this forum).

It appears that most pressure these days to have a second child comes from the outside; grand parents, or random people that that assume it's "better" to have more than one child.


Just to note; finances, living space or time to raise children is not an issue for us.
As an only child, I can say that if I ever have kids I will be aiming to have two within 2 years of the other because there are just so many benefits to that. Having a playmate for your entire childhood and an additional emotional support and someone to help look out for you during your entire lifetime is something that imo you can't put a price on.

Of course I am assuming that the kids don't turn out to hate each other as they grow up, but I think that is unusual if you do a decent job of raising them in a stable environment.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:19
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

1. One point is, that I really like my life how it is right now. Why put that at risk?

Who's says that having a child will put that more at risk than not having a child? Seems to me an unhappy wife and not being on the same page on # kids is more of a risk then somehow a third kid changing things dramatically from the existing 2.

2. I somehow feel that I owe it to my hypothethical future child, that I want/wish for him or her as I did for my two kids now.

So what's stopping that?

The two reasons don't sound very convincing to me.

I could understand: lack of money, too exhausting, not wanting the hassle of another kid, needing a bigger house/car, 2 parents working full time having to juggle work and childcare.

Honestly, your reasons sound so lame, it feels like there's another hidden real reason that you don't want another kid.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:22
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Curiously, what does your wife say is her reason(s) for wanting another child?

I just hope she has a realistic understanding of how much more stressful a third child will be... and for such a long time. Perhaps she should also consider that limiting the number of kids you have is one of the best things someone can do for our species and our climate.
I still haven't fully understood why she wants one. It surely isn't because she wants to be pregnant or care for a toddler again. If she could skip pregnancy and the first 18 months she would do that.
She just says it feels like we are not complete yet as a family.
She hasn't convinced me completely that she doesn't want to fill a void caused by something else, that was one of our main talking points.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:31
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

Three is an odd number – don’t do it! Trust me, I’m a “middle child”….
Solution: Make sure you have twins
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:31
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Who's says that having a child will put that more at risk than not having a child? Seems to me an unhappy wife and not being on the same page on # kids is more of a risk then somehow a third kid changing things dramatically from the existing 2.
Kinda sounds like blackmail, doesn't it?


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2. I somehow feel that I owe it to my hypothethical future child, that I want/wish for him or her as I did for my two kids now.

So what's stopping that?

The two reasons don't sound very convincing to me.

I could understand: lack of money, too exhausting, not wanting the hassle of another kid, needing a bigger house/car, 2 parents working full time having to juggle work and childcare.

Honestly, your reasons sound so lame, it feels like there's another hidden real reason that you don't want another kid.
Whats stopping that? Six years ago, I really wanted a child, care for it, see it grow, nurture... etc. Then some years late I wanted another one, for all the previous reaseon plus some more (interactions with brother...).
Now, the best I could offer is indifference (at the start). Thats just morally wrong, isnt it?

Of course, all the reasons you point out apply. They applied already before, I someone wants a child, there are always sacrifices to be made.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:43
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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Three is an odd number – don’t do it! Trust me, I’m a “middle child”….
Solution: Make sure you have twins

Friends of ours in the UK had one daughter. Mum was quite happy to have just the one- but pressure from parents and parents in law was huge, and as farming stock said a boy was required! She agreed and said OK, let's have another one quite soon. So when the first was 18 months- she had the second- another girl- in fact 3 of them! Hands full - for sure

Also happened to Swiss friends, their 3rd turned out to be 3!

We always knew we would have two then it would be my turn to go back to full time study. We were lucky we felt exactly the same.

Not an easy one this- not sure EF is the best way to solve, but it's good to talk.

Last edited by JackieH; 25.01.2021 at 18:15.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:43
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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As an only child, I can say that if I ever have kids I will be aiming to have two within 2 years of the other because there are just so many benefits to that. Having a playmate for your entire childhood and an additional emotional support and someone to help look out for you during your entire lifetime is something that imo you can't put a price on.
.
That has worked incredibly well for us as our third is a bit older and a bit of a loner.

The younger two play together the whole time (they fight too but that's normal).

Three kids isn't very different to two kids. You still get away with a normal size car etc.
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:47
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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One point is, that I really like my life how it is right now. Why put that at risk?
Consider carefully. If you don't let yourself be convinced, what are the chances you'll be able to continue with your life as it is now?

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The second, and main point is harder to explain.
I somehow feel that I owe it to my hypothethical future child, that I want/wish for him or her as I did for my two kids now.
Took me a while to bond properly with my third. But it happened and now she's 23 and I couldn't imagine having had the past 23 years without her. Three is like three body problem in physics - largely unpredictable! So much more fun than two. In my highly biased opinion.

Two less serious points.
1. You owe it to the future to increase your genetic input into the human race. (See the film Ideocracy for what will happen if you don't).
2. Pray it isn't twins...
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Old 25.01.2021, 17:51
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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You still get away with a normal size car etc.


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Old 25.01.2021, 17:54
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Re: Asking for advice: Wife wants a third child, I don't

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It appears that most pressure these days to have a second child comes from the outside; grand parents, or random people that that assume it's "better" to have more than one child.
As an only child I'd say that this pressure is justified. Looking at my two kids I understand how much experience I missed in my childhood not having a sibling and as an adult it's also pity for me not to have anyone with who I can discuss the matters related to my parents. I wish people only decide to have one kid only if they have a really serious reason for this. Around me families with one kid are very rare indeed and I think it's good.
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