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Old 05.03.2009, 12:44
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Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

First sorry if this is in the wrong section please feel free to move it, thanks.

Ok my son is 5 years old and was always a lovely boy, well behaved e.t.c. his best friend moved to a house a few months ago, and since then he as had only girls to play with near us (i do make play dates with other boy`s, but this is only possible on a Wednesday afternoon), he has boy friends in KG. anyway a few weeks ago a family moved near us with a little boy he now goes to my son`s KG and at first i thought brilliant a friend for my son to play with, WRONG my son as changed he is now naughty and tell`s me lies, miss behaves, and as started fighting with our next door neighbours daughter (they have been friends for years and go to KG together). All came to a head this morning when my neighbour came to me and asked what is wrong with my son, why his he so naughty, he was always a lovely boy, and now he isn`t. When the boy was here i heard him swearing, and ordering my son around, when my son said no the boy said right i am not your friend anymore, he tell`s my son what to do, 1 time he was playing my son`s nintendo and my son just sat and watched when i asked why he said his friend wanted to play ok i thought take it in turns, then when it was my son`s turn i gave it to him, then the boy snatched it back and said no i WANT to play, so i said it was my son`s turn, left them to play came back and the boy had it again, the boy had taken it off him again, and because my son is soft he gives in. I really don`t want my son playing with this little boy anymore, but how do i do this he is the only boy near us, they go to KG together. My son want`s to play with him obvioulsy, but the boy won`t listen to me when i tell him to stop swearing, and please play nicely, and share. What can i do please?

Any ideas please thanks
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Old 05.03.2009, 12:55
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

Let him play with the girls...

There are plenty of boys in school - and he's not going to 'miss out' simply on gender...

My suggestion would be to meet with his school teacher and ask her to suggest which boys in the class would make a good 'friend' for your child - then write a introduction and your contact info in a letter, address it to the child, get your son to take it and give it to the child, and hopefully the other parent will be happy to contact you - maybe suggest a date/time to meet - after school one day, or at the local park (neutral territory)...

Alternatively, create an 'event' after school - tell other parents that you are going to have a 'park day' - that's what our kids seem to be doing on Wednesday when they finish at 1pm - a lot of them go down the road to the park, and the mothers chat and introduce each other...

Also, they do change *dramatically* from age 5-6 - the cheekiness - rudeness, does normally start about this age - but sounds like the other kid is not the sort of kid you want your son around, anyway...

On the other hand, sometimes they can just sort it out - maybe the other kid doesn't need any new friends ? - or maybe your son needs to have a really good argument and assert himself so they work out their differences (it can be hard to know when to step in as a parent)...

These are all things I've done myself as a parent...not that I claim anything about having all the answers - that is for sure!
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:11
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

Well, first of all you have to give up the idea that you can change the other boy. You can't. So focus on what you can influence, i.e. your son.

I would softly try to steer him into seeing other friends. I see no reason what so ever why he shouldn't play with the girls? And I would coach him as to how to behave when he plays with the "naughty boy". I would tell him that he has the right to fight for his rights e.g. I would tell him just to ignore the swearing as swearing is considered bad mannered and not something we want to do. I would talk about what makes a good friend and try to make him aware that not all people are good and we need to learn to see who is a real friend and who isn't.

Soon enough either the other boy will change his behaviour when he is with your son for the better or your son will realize that he probably isn't that fun to play with.
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:12
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

Well, you can always do the "our house, our rules" bit - and I recommend you do, especially with the swearing - but forcing them to be absolutely fair isn't practical. Try changing the kind of activities instead. A Wii is just asking for trouble, because only one person can use it at a time. Games are terrific - catch, badminton, anything at all like that.

I would also limit their time together. You can tell your son that it's because the other boy is selfish, mean and uses bad language, and you find people like that aren't fun to be around.
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:12
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

I guess there are a couple of lefty liberals, child experts who are going to have pink fit now about kids personal developement, but, a good word with the brats parents about the behaviour of the child sounds like it's in order. If the kids in your house your rules apply and don't be afraid to sanction inappropriate behaviour in your house.

Some parents seem unable to get a grip of their children and I find these attitudes, and the behaviour of their children totally unacceptable. The lack of respect shown by this kid to you and yours should not be accepted by you, whilst difficult I know, stand up to it. Your wee fella should be the most important thing, and do you really want him influenced in the way that seems to be happening.

I have raised 3 girls, all of which could be taken anywhere anytime and knew how to behave appropriately, play nicely and share. The pride I felt when they got praise for there behaviour was immense, and the eldest has just got a 1st for her dissertation from the Met in London.

So the stand up to the poor behaviour now sutter and ensure your standards are met, it will pay dividends in the long run.

Good luck
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:15
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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Let him play with the girls...

There are plenty of boys in school - and he's not going to 'miss out' simply on gender...

My suggestion would be to meet with his school teacher and ask her to suggest which boys in the class would make a good 'friend' for your child - then write a introduction and your contact info in a letter, address it to the child, get your son to take it and give it to the child, and hopefully the other parent will be happy to contact you - maybe suggest a date/time to meet - after school one day, or at the local park (neutral territory)...

Alternatively, create an 'event' after school - tell other parents that you are going to have a 'park day' - that's what our kids seem to be doing on Wednesday when they finish at 1pm - a lot of them go down the road to the park, and the mothers chat and introduce each other...

Also, they do change *dramatically* from age 5-6 - the cheekiness - rudeness, does normally start about this age - but sounds like the other kid is not the sort of kid you want your son around, anyway...

On the other hand, sometimes they can just sort it out - maybe the other kid doesn't need any new friends ? - or maybe your son needs to have a really good argument and assert himself so they work out their differences (it can be hard to know when to step in as a parent)...

These are all things I've done myself as a parent...not that I claim anything about having all the answers - that is for sure!
He still plays with the girls, but this boy want`s my son to himself, and as pushed the other girls away.

Yesterday i had a playdate here with his old friend and they played wonderful together, so it is the other boy who is the dan influenzce on my son, and i do make playdates with other mum`s and children to go to the park e.t.c.

this boy is always ringing our doorbell asking to play with my son, and my son really want`s to play with him, i feel torn because i want my son to be happy and have friends, but not like him

My son will be 6 in september and was really lovely until this other boy moved here, so i think the cheekiness is connected to this boy. Also on tuesday they where playing together in my son`s bedroom when i heard bang bang bang i ran in and all my son`s clothes where on the floor thrown out of his wardrobe (that i had washed and ironed) and he was sat in my son`s wardrobe.

My son is a big softie and is a very giving child, and always gives in to him.
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:20
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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Well, you can always do the "our house, our rules" bit - and I recommend you do, especially with the swearing - but forcing them to be absolutely fair isn't practical. Try changing the kind of activities instead. A Wii is just asking for trouble, because only one person can use it at a time. Games are terrific - catch, badminton, anything at all like that.

I would also limit their time together. You can tell your son that it's because the other boy is selfish, mean and uses bad language, and you find people like that aren't fun to be around.
I wasn`t talking about the Wii i was talking about the hand held nintendo, we also have a Wii which 4 people can play at once so that isn`t the problem My children are limited to playing such games, and we do play other activites together

I am trying to limit there time together which is not so easy when the other boy keeps ringing our doorbell 24/7
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:20
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

Hmm difficult. First of all when the little boy is in your home he has to learn to play by your rules. So if he swears give him one warning and the next time send him home. If you have a timer that is simple to set and sets off a nice buzz start the boys off with set turns on the play station if one is in the middle of a game the other has to give permission to continue. If their fighting gets out of hand ask your son if he wants his freind to go home if he says no, then state clearly and calmly under what conditions they can continue to play.

I've experienced this in preschool, a usually mild behavioured child can become fascinated with a newbie and want to mimic their whole behaviour pattern. Sometimes it's positive sometimes not. I could only suggest keeping to your normal standards in the home,let his teacher deal with it in Kindergarten and hope that your parenting will lead him to decide whats right and wrong.

It would be difficult to forbid the freindship under the circumstances but possibly with time your son will go off him or the other little lad will realise that where you and your sons concerned it pays to behave.

Hope these suggestions are of some help, try and look at this phase as an important process for your sons development.
Easier said than done, I'm sure.
Good luck.
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:25
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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Also, they do change *dramatically* from age 5-6 - the cheekiness - rudeness, does normally start about this age
Ain't that the truth! Lying as well. At some point (for my younger brothers and sisters it was 4-5) it dawns on kids that they can lie - that when somebody asks a question they can answer it any way they like - and then they go through a phase where they find that irresistibly intriguing. You could ask them is the sun shining and they'll say "yes"; never mind that you're both sitting next to the window and it's pouring down rain. They're just experimenting with the possibilities... they've discovered fiction, if you like.

So if that's what you find your son is doing - lying for the sheer novelty of it - it's quite normal and probably has nothing at all to do with the other boy's behavior. Of course you still have to work on it as a parent, to teach him this is not acceptable, but it's really a different issue from lying to deceive or to get out of trouble.
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:26
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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I guess there are a couple of lefty liberals, child experts who are going to have pink fit now about kids personal developement, but, a good word with the brats parents about the behaviour of the child sounds like it's in order. If the kids in your house your rules apply and don't be afraid to sanction inappropriate behaviour in your house.

Some parents seem unable to get a grip of their children and I find these attitudes, and the behaviour of their children totally unacceptable. The lack of respect shown by this kid to you and yours should not be accepted by you, whilst difficult I know, stand up to it. Your wee fella should be the most important thing, and do you really want him influenced in the way that seems to be happening.

I have raised 3 girls, all of which could be taken anywhere anytime and knew how to behave appropriately, play nicely and share. The pride I felt when they got praise for there behaviour was immense, and the eldest has just got a 1st for her dissertation from the Met in London.

So the stand up to the poor behaviour now sutter and ensure your standards are met, it will pay dividends in the long run.

Good luck
Wow fantastic advice thanks PG, he his and i will.

I would talk to the parents, but there German is not very good, and they don`t speak English.

I tried to tell him he should stop wearing and behave, but he doesn`t listen so last week i asked him to leave, which he did, but then my son was very upset

Well done for raising 3 well behaved girls
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:48
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

When you turf the badly behaved kid, explain why to your son, the positvely reward his good behaviour, he'll quickly realise what's good and bad, and pretty soon would either push back on the bad kid or not want to play with him.... hopefully.
I know it seems harsh on him and tough on you, but the long game with kids is the only one to play.... I believe, and for me and mine it worked
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Old 05.03.2009, 13:57
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

No offense but some of you parents are so meddling. My parents never meddled in my friendships (they never had time to, too busy working).

I feel that if parents give their child enough love she/he will be well equipped to deal with pretty much anything life throws at her/him. But IMO that is where their role should end. Deciding on who the child should be friends with (BTW up to what age should parents do that?) is not part of a parent's job.

Of course if you disagree on swearing in the house or on lying punish him by all means. He will learn from his mistakes.

About the other boy: Maybe the reason he plays more at the Nintendo is because he is better at it. It is then fair for him to play longer. Maybe your son enjoys watching and learning from the other boy? (He surely does because otherwise he wouldn't be keen on playing with him) Calling your son a "big softie" will surely not improve his self-confidence!

I also think it is good for your son to mix with a lot of different children, girls, boys, polite, rude, it all contributes to his learning experience. The sooner your son learns that life is not only made up of nice people and disney movies the better. It will help him be more streetwise as an adult (maybe less of a softie? ).

Last edited by martin34; 05.03.2009 at 14:41.
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Old 05.03.2009, 14:14
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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No offense but some of you parents are so meddling. My parents never meddled in my friendships (they never had time to, too busy working).

I feel that if you and your husband give your son enough love he will be well equipped to deal with pretty much anything life throws at him. But IMO that is where your role should end. Deciding on who he is friends with (BTW up to what age are you thinking of doing that?) is not part of your job.

Of course if you disagree on swearing in the house or on lying punish him by all means. He will learn from his mistakes.

About the other boy: Maybe the reason he plays more at the Nintendo is because he is better at it. It is then fair for him to play longer. Maybe your son enjoys watching and learning from the other boy? (He surely does because otherwise he wouldn't be keen on playing with him) Calling your son a "big softie" will surely not improve his self-confidence!

I also think it is good for your son to mix with a lot of different children, girls, boys, polite, rude, it all contributes to his learning experience. The sooner your son learns that life is not only made up of nice people and disney movies the better. It will help him be more streetwise as an adult (maybe less of a softie? ).

How can you decide if they are not giving their son enough love? What a thing to say
Also wrong of you to say "up to what age are they going to decide who is their son's friend". The son is ONLY 5 and it is very legitimate for the parents to choose the friends.
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Old 05.03.2009, 14:30
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

hi there

i have seen a similiar situation like yours. there was this girl who had problems in her school with the other girls (in my daughters class). her parents tried about everything to improve the situation.talking to the other girls parents, explaining them, had a talk with the teacher and so on. but things didnt improve. than they decided to change the school for the girl and this worked wonders for her. she had a little longer way to walk but she was happy and so were the parents.

i would also suggest something like that in your case, i guess you must also be having more kindergardens in your town. have a talk with the teacher and change the kindergarden. i truly believe in the saying out of sight out of mind. when your son will be hanging out with the other kids then his interest in this naughty boy would reduce and i hope he will have more boys in the other kindergarden to interect with. trust me this i know from expreince that you cannot change anyone but can only change yourself.
hope this helps. in the meantime i wish all the good luck for your sitaution and i hope the spring brings some sun and everything works out for you.
best regards
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Old 05.03.2009, 14:31
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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How can you decide if they are not giving their son enough love? What a thing to say
Where on earth did I write that???

I wrote that that was the main role of a parent (not to meddle in his child's friendships). It was a general statement not even referring to Sutter particularly! How on earth could you read that as an attack or a negative judgement of Sutter???

It absolutely beats me!

I will edit the message so that there is absolutely no ambiguity but I feel you really "got the wrong end of the stick"!
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Old 05.03.2009, 15:23
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

Perhaps this irrelevant, but have you tried to talk to the boys mother? Since the boys go to the same kindergarten and live in the area, then perhaps directly approaching the parents about the unacceptable behaviour? There are parents out there who are unaware of what their children get up to when they are not at home so it is possible that the swearing would come as surprise to them.
Just a thought.
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Old 05.03.2009, 15:30
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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The son is ONLY 5 and it is very legitimate for the parents to choose the friends.
IMO it is not. Would you let your child choose your friends for you? If you do you are not treating your child as an individual. IMO it is a lack of respect and an abuse of power.

The son is only 5 but then likewise the friend is only 5 so it's not as if he is a complete thug or into drugs or anything like that!
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Old 05.03.2009, 15:32
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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Let him play with the girls...
Not sure that is a good idea. When I was a little girl I used to strip the boy I used to play with.
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Old 05.03.2009, 15:39
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

This is what I did...in order to let my son still play with the neighbour's kid (I have a problem with this kid)

I limit the time they are allowed to play and find reasons which are not targeted at the child or me.
- my son has to finish something...
- we have an appointment
- We are leaving house soon

And tell the kid...what the house rules are, and if he breaks them, he would not be allowed anymore for a week to play with my son.

I think my son understood after a while that in that hierarchy, I am at the top, so he gives in less to his 'dominant' friend because the ultimate powers lies with me!

Of course, I try to hint to my son why I prefer other friends :-)
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Old 05.03.2009, 15:41
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Re: Help please need advice about my sons naughty friend what to do?

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IMO it is not. Would you let your child choose your friends for you? If you do you are not treating your child as an individual. IMO it is a lack of respect and an abuse of power.

The son is only 5 but then likewise the friend is only 5 so it's not as if he is a complete thug or into drugs or anything like that!
Parental control at that age is necessary as children are not able to make such decisions themselves nor do they have the ability to judge. Parents do have that right to choose friends for their kids, especially when the other child is obviously not willing even to respect Sutters rules. It is neither a lack of respect nor abuse of power.
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