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Old 12.03.2009, 10:51
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What to do with Lazy Parents??

I am a Nanny who has started work with a family last December. It seemed like a great job at first, but now I am compleatly frusterated. The problem is the 4 yr. girl and the tantrums she throws; like 3 to 5 times a day. Its exausting, and stressful.

Although the real problem is her parents, who don't really want to parent her. She is throwing the tantrums because Mummy and Daddy give in to them. The best example I can give is one day she came home from preschool and told everyone that she wasn't going back because in her words "They don't listen to ME!" I laughed it off; her parents never made her go back. Of course I know its really not her fault, she is only doing what works.

Basically Ive had enough of dealing with her all day, I can't change her bad behavour unless her parents change theirs. Ive tried to brouch the subject a few times but it falls on deaf ears. Last night they even told me "She is only bad with you, it never happens with us. Its your problem" So basically should I come out and tell them they need to step it up? Or just leave? Is it overstepping the boundries to tell them they need to start parenting their child?
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Old 12.03.2009, 10:57
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

I would still insist to talk to them and try to make them realize the seriousness of such a "spoilt-brat" behaviour and impact it might have on her future upbringing. I would implore them to listen because it doesn't make your job easier either. If they are not willing to pay attention, then it means they are all "cut from the same wood" and I do not wanna use a word here...
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Old 12.03.2009, 10:58
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

Lay down the law when it is your time to be dealing with the girl. Make sure that she is responding to your rules and not running to mommy or daddy for help. Kids will behave differently around different caregivers and will attempt to push the limits. Set firm limits and don't give in. If the parents don't agree or aren't supportive of your efforts, find a new job.
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:03
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

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Lay down the law when it is your time to be dealing with the girl. Make sure that she is responding to your rules and not running to mommy or daddy for help. Kids will behave differently around different caregivers and will attempt to push the limits. Set firm limits and don't give in. If the parents don't agree or aren't supportive of your efforts, find a new job.
They are defonately not supportive, they over-rule me, and have even told the little girl to call them whenever something is wrong i.e. when I say 'no'. So something happens that she doesn't like, she says "I want to call Mommy" I will say "No" the Mom comes home and she will say "Nanny said I couldn't call you" I explain what happened, Mom agrees with little one, and I get it in the neck either way
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:06
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

Have you ever seen Supernanny? She goes into a new house and has the kids listening to her quick smart.

Kids need consequences. Tell her "If you are good, you can go to the park" or whatever she likes doing. "Not good, then no park/desert/favourite toy" ect. Supernanny also uses time outs, but my son used to go and sit down and count for himself and thought it was a big joke.

My son plays up over dinner and refuses to eat. He is allowed a car at the table, but not play with it and as soon as he doesn't eat we take the car away. He understands that if he eats he gets the car back.

Consequences, consistency and following through on threats are key.
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:07
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

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They are defonately not supportive, they over-rule me, and have even told the little girl to call them whenever something is wrong i.e. when I say 'no'. So something happens that she doesn't like, she says "I want to call Mommy" I will say "No" the Mom comes home and she will say "Nanny said I couldn't call you" I explain what happened, Mom agrees with little one, and I get it in the neck either way
That sucks but the answer is simple. Tell the parents that when you are duty, the kid needs to answer to you. No exceptions.
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:31
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

This is a tricky one, the parents seem to think there child can do know wrong, and is always right, being a parent myself i can`t understand there atitude because when there daughter gets older she will only get worse, and she will probably have no friends (seen this in my childhood) as no one wants to be friends with a spoilt child who thinks she is always right.

Make a sticker chart, and take her to the shops and let the child pick some stickers she likes and when she is good let her choose a sticker so she can stick it on the chart, and if she is naughty draw a sad face on the chart, at the end of the week if she as enough stickers buy her a little treat nothing expensive just something to show her she as been a good girl, i did this with mine and i saw a big change in there behaviour goodluck.
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:33
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

Yes I have seen SuperNanny, and I am a trained Nanny...Thats what makes it all the worse! I know what to do, the problem is how to do it. I need her parents to back down, but most of the time one of them is home when I work (they don't really need a nanny, their home most of the time, and the grandparents are there tues, wend,an thurs). So they give in to the fits, she is even worse for her parents but its easy to ignore the problem when you choose not to deal with it.
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:46
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

There is one common sense which I sometimes mention to parents who give in or do everything to please their kid...

Life doesn't usually give you what you want. It's better that kids learn it earlier that they cannot have everything they want when they want it...it is a lesson we all have to learn...and is always better earlier than later
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:52
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

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Yes I have seen SuperNanny, and I am a trained Nanny...Thats what makes it all the worse! I know what to do, the problem is how to do it.
Seems like a confrontation is in order. You've been paid as a professional to do your job, they are interfering. They appear to need questioning as to their motivations for having you work for them. Do they need a babysitter or a Nanny?

I'm sorry for you as you'll be shooting yourself in the foot either way. They need to recognise you're in charge - in loco parentis.

Reading between the lines it looks like your role is as a Status Symbol. My advice is have it out with them in a neutral location, away from Tilly-Wink.

You may lose your job, or you may actually command grudging respect from people obviously used to getting their own way at others' expense.

Don't hang around fretting, though, or you'll come worse off by having your dignity gnawed at by a tiny Dictator.

Good luck
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Old 12.03.2009, 11:58
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

I would without hesitation leave and get a new job. I've been teaching for quite a few years and it's scary how many parents are like that. Parents need to support you when you discipline their children and you need to be on the same side raising a child to respect themselves and others. Children love rules and clear guidelines; they thrived and are at their happiest when they know what the rules are. The more the parents argue and disagree with you, the more the child will disrespect you and your attempts at discipline. Get out of there and find a family who will respect and treat you as part of the family set-up.

I just don't get it why parents who have no need to be at work all the time (plenty do) and obviously do not want the bother of raising their kids, criticize the help they do get and expect so much more from Nannies and au-pairs than they are willing to do themselves.

If it was me, there would be skid marks out the door as I would leave so fast. There's plenty of good parents and families who have to work and would be glad of your services I suspect.

Good luck!
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Old 12.03.2009, 12:02
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

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Yes I have seen SuperNanny, and I am a trained Nanny...Thats what makes it all the worse! I know what to do, the problem is how to do it. I need her parents to back down, but most of the time one of them is home when I work (they don't really need a nanny, their home most of the time, and the grandparents are there tues, wend,an thurs). So they give in to the fits, she is even worse for her parents but its easy to ignore the problem when you choose not to deal with it.
I, too, think you are fighting a losing battle.

IF you could talk to the parents and they listened;
IF you managed to convince them that they must back down;
IF they were prepared to do this (knowing what they should do and doing it are two very different things)
there would be quite a long 'learning process' in which you would be educating one child, one father, one mother, two grandparents...

Even if all four adults understand that THEY have to change, it won't happen overnight. It is not fun to have been 'dear Mummy' for several years and suddenly become 'you are as horrible as Nanny' when the rules are changed.

I would suggest you start looking for another job!
Just this once, I'd love to be wrong...
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Old 12.03.2009, 12:03
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

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I'm sorry for you as you'll be shooting yourself in the foot either way.
Exactly.

However, repeated confrontation with the parents in the wrong way can only do you harm.

Either get on with it and just accept the spoilt brat and her ways (thats why i couldnt be a nanny!)

or look to move on maybe?
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Old 12.03.2009, 12:07
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

A strategy for disciplining children seems to me to be one of the things you would discuss before starting the job. Did you have this discussion before you started? You seem to know how to do it and you are a professional nanny so I can only assume the parents are not fulfilling their side of the agreed deal.

They have already undermined you in front of the child so I think you are now at so much of a disadvantage that without a radical change in the parents' attitude (which is highly unlikely, even if you do have it out with them) you are doomed to be frustrated and irritated with the child and your job.

The only solution seems to be to find a new family who share your philosophy and make sure you all know the rules going in.
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Old 12.03.2009, 13:21
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

All the advice in the world will probably not change the situation. If you are fed up, you need to give notice and when you do this, sit down one last time and explain to the parents that this will hurt their little girl in the long run. Then you have done your duty and you will be out of the situation.
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Old 12.03.2009, 14:16
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

Move on - as my mother would say 'pick your battles' - this is a battle you can't win - I've been in jobs where I couldn't use my full skills/experience/training, and it's brain-numbing.

Nannies, teachers, people who work with children are often not respected...regardless of how professional, skilled, intelligent and educated they may be...

It's a pity for the child (I know it's easy to form attachments) but if the parents are letting her run rings around you, then you are just being treated like an old-fashioned 'maid'...no status whatsoever...

There are plenty of families out there who truly *need* a nanny - how fast can you move on ??
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Old 12.03.2009, 15:30
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

Permissive parenting and lazy parenting irks me to no end, one has to deal with their "products" in playgroups ..

I agree with PPs, it might be a bad news but it seems you already know this - find a family who will think ahead for their children more and who will actually need your services.

Maybe you could print some data for the confused folks ( http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html , http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...ngHarmony.html , http://www.positiveparenting.com/res.../weblinks.html , http://www.loveandlogic.com/ , http://www.takingchildrenseriously.c...l_consequences there are so many different ways, just wanted to link a few interesting ones), not only talk, so they realize your mode of operation is for their child's benefit, but how you described them, you might be surprised when you confront - they might ask you to leave, anyway.

Good news is, this is a good place to find work, it is hard to find a good sitter and people will snatch you in a heart beat. Good luck and it is nice to know there are good, responsible and thoughtful sitters out there, we are looking for one in our area ourselves.

Last edited by MusicChick; 12.03.2009 at 16:07.
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Old 12.03.2009, 16:08
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

Perhaps a parent out there reading this is looking for a caring and considerate professional Nanny ...and would like to send the OP a private message?
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Old 12.03.2009, 16:46
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

I think you should take a traditional approach to any disobedience:

Bend both the parents over and give them a proper spanking. Perhaps only then will they realize that they are just as spoilt as the child.
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Old 12.03.2009, 16:53
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Re: What to do with Lazy Parents??

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I think you should take a traditional approach to any disobedience:

Bend both the parents over and give them a proper spanking. Perhaps only then will they realize that they are just as spoilt as the child.
..and throw the granny and grampa in the lot, while you are at it..
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