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View Poll Results: How do you think is your Self-esteem ?
you don't have it. you're the most miserable guy on Earth. 5 5.05%
you've got some, but not enough 28 28.28%
you have a standard Self-esteem, you can achieve almost everything 26 26.26%
you have more than a standard Self-esteem 21 21.21%
You're the Master of the World. 19 19.19%
Voters: 99. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 15.11.2009, 09:02
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Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

I've hesitated a bit before posting this. But as I'm actually fighting with this....
So just for the information I'm an anxious depressive guy with, since more or less five years a social phobia which had become very strong. I've got a nice psychiatrist to help me and my phobia's almost gone. But not the anxious thingy.

My problems are actually coming from that lack of self-esteem (probably from childhood) and made me to broke a promising friendship lately (you know who you are) Felt in love with that amazing and beautiful woman who was offering me the nicest friendship a guy like me could imagine.

I just wanted to know how you think is your own self-esteem, how you deal with it. I assume it has to be quite strong as you were able to move in Switzerland....

@mods : if you think it's too personal you can delete it.


First vote by me, of course. I've got none....

Last edited by Bertrand - Geneva; 15.11.2009 at 09:06. Reason: added a last line.
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Old 15.11.2009, 09:12
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

I wonder how much of this is a question of expectation. You provided a "I've got a standard self esteem, I can achieve almost anything" as a choice.

I would say I have a standard self esteem. Which means I generally am ok, but suffer moments of insecurity, self doubt, and self dislike. I'm confident and outgoing, but I also don't think the world is my oyster.

Is it that you think there's an on off switch to self confidence? I really don't think its as easy as I have none, or, I do have some and I can do ANYTHING!
  #3  
Old 15.11.2009, 09:37
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

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Is it that you think there's an on off switch to self confidence? I really don't think its as easy as I have none, or, I do have some and I can do ANYTHING!
Of course there's no switch. Would be much more easy for me....

Self-esteem is actually something quite complex and loads of books have been written about that subjects. I just tried to make it the most easy I could do.

I just expect to have some interesting comments (which could help me to work my own problem more further with my psychiatrist.)

Thanks the comment.
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Old 15.11.2009, 10:00
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

I think it's pretty hard to categorize any of the three titles. If you know you're good, then flaunt it. Most of us have some kind of talent, however obscure or irrelevant that may be. We have interests and areas of expertise where we know our stuff. Now, turning that into confidence and esteem and sharing it with others is a different thing altogether. In my professional career I have met several people who are under achieving simply because they have none of the positive characteristics that you are questioning, even though they have buckets of talent. A lot of the time it can be put down to modesty, but I think that shyness, a lack of assertiveness and a desire to avoid conflict would be more closer to the mark.

I have a lot of self esteem, I'm trying to learn to appreciate who I am (but I'm not there yet), but I do have an unstoppable self faith streak which I put to good use every day of my life. My one big failing is simply that I let other people influence me too strongly, which is clearly my problem and not theirs.
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Old 15.11.2009, 11:13
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

Unfortunately the frivolously/confusingly-worded poll choices do not reflect the apparent seriousness of the question and the OP, and as a result people will likely focus on that rather than the sentiments in the post.

All I will say is that we all, no matter how confident we look, have our moments of angst and self-doubt, it's what makes us human. No-one is pefect, no matter how much they would like to think so. I've had some major bumps along my life that have required some steel resolve to get through, a mix of events outside my control, and those caused solely by my own stupidity (sometimes with serious consequences), but each time i've managed to overcome them and move on. My belief in myself is strong, as is my belief in my propensity for screwing things up when it counts. It's a tricky balance and often a fine line to walk.

I hope things get better for you Bertrand. Breaking the trust of someone close to you and ruining a friendship can be shattering thing, but you need to learn from it, and move on. We all do stupid things, and if we spent our time obsessing over how stupid we were for doing said stupid things then life would be hell. Find some hobbies with a social element and throw yourself into them... the best thing you can do when you are feeling down is intensive sport or working out, and regularly. Find some hobbies and throw yourself into them. The more you sit there at a computer dwelling on how much you feel you have screwed up, the worse your anxiousness and depression will get. You seem like a nice chap, and the more you get out there and meet people and show that, putting into practise what you have learned from screwing up, the more your self-esteem and confidence will improve.

Don't be too hard on yourself (easier said than done I know). Everyone ****s up now and then.
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Old 15.11.2009, 11:19
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

Hello Bertrand ! I have answered more than standard self-esteem. I feel happy with myself because I think that I am a good person and I have achieved my main goals in life which are: having a partner, having a job, having children.

In my opinion, having a lot of self esteem doesnít mean to be able to achieve everything in life, but to have the right set of priorities and face failure in a strong way. I donít believe in super-man or women, but in people who are happy and make people around them happy as well. In that cases people tend to be humble and they are able to laugh at themselves, so for me this is quite a different picture compared to what you describe as Master of the World.

In my case for example, I have been living in Switzerland for 5 years and there are things I like and other things that I donít like. I miss my family and friends, and I would love to come back, but it seems out of the question now, since unemployement in Spain is about 18 %. But when I feel sad about it I always remember that I am free to decide, I have the privilege of choosing what to do with my life and thatís a lot considering that most people in this world live in poor countries and they are slaves of their situation. On the other hand when I was in Spain I was unemployed and that made me feel sad. What I am trying to say is that itís your decision if you see the bottle half empty or half full.

What does self-esteem depend on? In my opinion it depends basically on:

1) Childhood: feel loved for what you are and not for what you have achieved

2) Expectations: the comparison between what one expects and what one can actually achieve makes a lot of people unhappy. Arenít we maybe too ambitious nowadays? Wrong set of priorities?

3) Luck: **** happens. Accidents, health problems and economical problems are out of our control and influences our self-esteem, even if we are not responsible for it. That means: value what you have today !! Very important !!

So, thatís what I wanted to say. In case you wonder I am just a chemist who works as a laborant.

I hope I helped somewhat. I wish you all the best and enjoy this Sunday in beautiful Geneva !
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Old 15.11.2009, 12:24
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

A brilliant answer.
(and I didn't take the poll because none of the above corresponded)

Bertrand, I think RD below really says it all.
I'd just add, believe in yourself and follow your heart.

Quote:
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Unfortunately the frivolously/confusingly-worded poll choices do not reflect the apparent seriousness of the question and the OP, and as a result people will likely focus on that rather than the sentiments in the post.

All I will say is that we all, no matter how confident we look, have our moments of angst and self-doubt, it's what makes us human. No-one is pefect, no matter how much they would like to think so. I've had some major bumps along my life that have required some steel resolve to get through, a mix of events outside my control, and those caused solely by my own stupidity (sometimes with serious consequences), but each time i've managed to overcome them and move on. My belief in myself is strong, as is my belief in my propensity for screwing things up when it counts. It's a tricky balance and often a fine line to walk.

I hope things get better for you Bertrand. Breaking the trust of someone close to you and ruining a friendship can be shattering thing, but you need to learn from it, and move on. We all do stupid things, and if we spent our time obsessing over how stupid we were for doing said stupid things then life would be hell. Find some hobbies with a social element and throw yourself into them... the best thing you can do when you are feeling down is intensive sport or working out, and regularly. Find some hobbies and throw yourself into them. The more you sit there at a computer dwelling on how much you feel you have screwed up, the worse your anxiousness and depression will get. You seem like a nice chap, and the more you get out there and meet people and show that, putting into practise what you have learned from screwing up, the more your self-esteem and confidence will improve.

Don't be too hard on yourself (easier said than done I know). Everyone ****s up now and then.
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Old 15.11.2009, 12:31
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

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I wonder how much of this is a question of expectation. You provided a "I've got a standard self esteem, I can achieve almost anything" as a choice.

I would say I have a standard self esteem. Which means I generally am ok, but suffer moments of insecurity, self doubt, and self dislike. I'm confident and outgoing, but I also don't think the world is my oyster.

Is it that you think there's an on off switch to self confidence? I really don't think its as easy as I have none, or, I do have some and I can do ANYTHING!

Very true...I second that
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Old 15.11.2009, 13:26
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

It's funny you ask this question as on the piece of paper in front of me is written "Self-esteem?". I was pondering this very question for the last few days.

For me, I have total self-belief and high-self esteem. I was pushed very hard as a child and continue to push and challenge myself regularly. The result of which is that I know I can achieve anything I put my mind to.

However, having total self-confidence isn't the same as having high self-esteem as I find myself questioning whether I'm choosing the right direction for my life. For example, whether you should be focusing on family or career etc. Previously, I thought I was ready to settle down and start a family etc., but deep down, I wasn't ready - there were other things I wanted to do and achieve.

So for me, the thing is to recognise self-doubt and in particular when this coincides with a time when you have lower self-esteem to make sure that you're not making spectacularly bad decisions based on a 'bad' mindset.
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Old 15.11.2009, 13:45
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

I like the idea of self-faith. That whatever crap happens to me, I'll figure out a way to turn sh1t into sunshine. I have faith in myself, I believe in my ability to solve problems, survive and have a happy ending, in my own imperfect, messy way.

Oh, and edited to add... that includes knowing when to ask for help.

Self-esteem and self-love are too unclear. There is so much conflicting evidence about self-esteem, I think because it's been so poorly defined and researched. I think what is key is stable, high self esteem. Self-love...makes me giggle.

As for the anxious thingy, been there done that. For me, once I started to think of things as opportunities rather than threats, it really made a difference. Although I also believe that there is some biochemistry involved.

Last edited by edot; 15.11.2009 at 16:38. Reason: Added something.
  #11  
Old 15.11.2009, 14:14
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

I voted for "some, but not enough".

If self esteem means "I dont give a flying f**k what people think of me, I dance to my own tune - as long as I can sleep at night...", then yes I've got some.

If it means "I am positive that I can accomplish anything I put my mind into", then no, I dont, because other factors out of my hands, do come into play. Life is just full of curveballs and you never know what is around the corner. Plans and your life path sometimes change due to unforseen circumstances. Things good or bad, happen for a reason and we just need to find the silver lining and learn from them. If you make a mistake, dont beat yourself up about it. You are only human. Again, learn, analyse and move on.

I also find that removing the 'toxic' people helps somewhat. There are just some people who are toxic for your self esteem and sanity (for example: family members who keep telling you that you're never good enough, never a word of praise when you've done well, nit picking, or in general, just unhappy miserable people who can never be happy for you etc etc). Keeping a distance or removing them altogether works wonders for your sanity. It probably sounds like a whole load of BS but it has been my default mode for the longest time in keeping my sanity.

Funny enough, I was telling someone just a couple of days ago, that sometimes, for stupid cosmic reasons, the stars just align and sh!t just happens. Yea, I always blame the stars.

Asking yourself "WHY is this happening" might lead you to a possible solution to the root of the problem, but most often than not, its "HOW do I go about solving and learning from this" that will take you to the next level as a person. Its how you roll with the punches and work through the problem. Big life experiences sometimes knocks your self belief back and shakes some of your values to the core but it shapes you as the person you are, for future challenges.

I am sorry the friendship didnt work out. If its meant to be, it will be. Huge cliche I know, but it really might be life's way of telling you that its not the right time.

I admire your guts to share your skeletons. If its anything to go by, its a positive start. At least you know the problem and working on it. All the best.
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Old 15.11.2009, 14:58
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

Internal journeys are never complete. Confucious and Buddhism have a lot to say on this issue. My comment would be to adopt an approach where you dedicate yourself to whatever you're doing in the moment. If it's making a meal, focus all your energy on making it a good meal. Be patient. Sorting out your papers / doing your homework / making decisions only require you to focus on the activity and dedicate yourself - your soul? - to the end result. Ruminating over stuff can be more demanding than actually doing what needs to be done.

Ever stood on a diving board and started to worry about how high up you are? The longer you stare, the worse it gets. There's no shame in turning back, but should you make the dive, you'll come up grinning like a loon, wanting to do it again. Hence the rather annoying attitude of successful people!

"Monkey No Monkey", as Yoda may say. Don't monkey around being half-assed about whatever you do; put your soul into it and your esteem will grow by itself. Not letting others interfere with your esteem is very difficult but it's your esteem and you can build it from the simplest of things. Such as making a good meal, sorting out your paperwork and making decisions. Success is irrelevent - you may bellyflop - but what's important is the attempt; even the most confident politician's career ends in failure. The bigger elements will take care of themselves and then you can take Berlin / close that deal with the client / ask the sweetheart to join you for a walk.

My pleasure when diving is the moment my feet leave the board, not entering the water. Some call it a Zen moment.

Ever seen the face of a child who's made something? They beam with happiness. When that thing suddenly collapses, they too deflate. But they still made it, no matter how flawed. That can not be taken away. As we mature, we can tell ourselves we did ok, that we'll have another go. Redemption is crucial and by it's nature Gothic. Thankfully, as adults we can include beer, smokes and late nights, which makes most restructuring projects glide along more smoothly

Don't mix esteem with pride. Forget pride. Dignity is the path to follow. Esteem is the by-product. Taking ownership of your humility and steering it step by step will bring inner strength. As Confucious said: "Go down with the current and come up with the current but do not try to fight the rivers superior strength."

Oh, and take up Tai Chi as a path to serenity.

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Old 15.11.2009, 15:25
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

I think the most liberating thing one can do is to let go of their sense of shame.
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Old 15.11.2009, 15:51
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

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I think the most liberating thing one can do is to let go of their sense of shame.

at last ... something you said that I can agree with.
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Old 15.11.2009, 16:16
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better loking each day.
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I used to have a girlfriend
but she just couldn't compete
with all of these love starved women
who keep clamoring at my feet.
Well I prob'ly could find me another
but I guess they're all in awe of me.
Who cares, I never get lonesome
cause I treasure my own company.

I guess you could say I'm a loner,
a cowboy outlaw tough and proud.
I could have lots of friends if I want to
but then I wouldn't stand out from the crowd.
Some folks say that I'm egotistical.
Hell, I don't even know what that means.
I guess it has something to do with the way that I
fill out my skin tight blue jeans.

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.


I have a very good self esteem. I still get occasional crises of confidence,
but generally I don't feel bad about the way I am. It's not that I think I'm
perfect - I'm aware of my faults - it just doesn't affect my self-worth.
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Old 15.11.2009, 17:16
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

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I think the most liberating thing one can do is to let go of their sense of shame.
Shame is the thing which lets you know that you've done something bad after you've done it. Shame is an essential part of your conscience. Letting go of your conscience? No thanks.
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Old 15.11.2009, 17:33
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

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I still get occasional crises of confidence,
but generally I don't feel bad about the way I am. It's not that I think I'm
perfect - I'm aware of my faults - it just doesn't affect my self-worth.
I think this is also key: to be happy with who you are. nobody is perfect, and if you can accept yourself including flaws, then you'll be happier for it.
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Old 15.11.2009, 17:37
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

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Shame is the thing which lets you know that you've done something bad after you've done it. Shame is an essential part of your conscience. Letting go of your conscience? No thanks.
Shame maybe not the best word (perhaps fear or self-consciousness). I think what CD is getting at is the things that stop you from taking chances, singing/dancing etc. due to being embarassed that you can't sing/dance well or that you'll make a mistake.

One of the first things that my acting teacher used to do was make you do really stupid, embarrassing things to get you to lose your sense of shame. whether it's to do a stupid walk, sing a stupid song in front of everybody etc. The idea was to stop yourself from holding back on giving 100% to the performance out of fear of getting it wrong or looking like a fool.
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Old 15.11.2009, 18:07
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

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Shame maybe not the best word (perhaps fear or self-consciousness). I think what CD is getting at is the things that stop you from taking chances, singing/dancing etc. due to being embarassed that you can't sing/dance well or that you'll make a mistake.

One of the first things that my acting teacher used to do was make you do really stupid, embarrassing things to get you to lose your sense of shame. whether it's to do a stupid walk, sing a stupid song in front of everybody etc. The idea was to stop yourself from holding back on giving 100% to the performance out of fear of getting it wrong or looking like a fool.
Ahh I took it in the context that the thread had been in from the first post, so now I see what he means.
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Old 15.11.2009, 18:17
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Re: Self esteem, Self love, Self faith : What about you ?

Wow, thanks to you all. That's very interesting.
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