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  #21  
Old 15.12.2009, 11:30
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

wow, my mum is also the Nagging Queen. sadly for me.....

Love her even more when she's not in Geneva....
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Old 15.12.2009, 11:38
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Thanks all for your replies.

We can't afford to send them tickets. We don't have enough money to go there AND to travel around. So that's why we made a choice.

To go there is very expensive. We also have to spend money while we are there. I mean, we want to go out, see around, eat outside, rent a car, etc. We are not going there and spend 2-4 weeks sitting at home.

I really think they could come here. But my mom comes up with saying they don't have money (I know they have it) and they don't gain any extra money now they are retired and with the economic situation, etc. And it's not their fault if WE live far away. Blah blah....

For me, it's a miminum of 8h in a plane with my very very active daughter sitting (I wish! ) on my lap. It's the vacation budget for the full year. Means we can't afford to go anywhere else if we go to Canada for the rest of the year.

They are welcome here whenever they want. But I guess they are not ready to spend the money to come here for couple of weeks while they can use the money on something else. (And they expect us to do it instead)
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Old 15.12.2009, 11:38
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

it sounds really difficult to reason with your mama! maybe you can even turn the "black mail" around and say you would have loved to take the trip to italy just the two of you but it's so hard because you don't have family here to stay with your little one, would she offer to come and spend some time with her. it would be a great chance to bond with her granddaughter and it would give you two some time to yourself. also, maybe your mama just wants you to say, i'd really love to have you here mama, i miss you too and it is hard without having you around- it may not be exactly true but maybe nagging is her way of trying to get some attention from you. what she doesn't realize is nagging will make you happy she's not all that close!

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Old 15.12.2009, 11:39
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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wow, my mum is also the Nagging Queen. sadly for me.....

Love her even more when she's not in Geneva....
This is one of many reasons why I move out of the country...
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Old 15.12.2009, 11:41
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

I think what helps me with the inlaws competition is realising that you are actually blessed by having at least one set of parents near, on call, available if anything strange happens (meaning they probably live far too, but not across the world) for them to help you out. Your mom should be happy for that and appreciate it. My parents always eased my mind by making it clear that they are a drive away as opposed to a flight away, in case we need it, they wanted us to be reassured that we are still ok eventhough we only have them near.

I know this sounds stupid, but being a grandparent is not only about exchanging some curtesies, taking your grandkid for icecream, cuddle and take pictures but it is also work and responsibility, providing security, it is not always easy (especially if parenting philosophies colide). Young parents need help. Extended family is so important, takes a load off from exhausted parents, they pick up what you left out, help out with disciplining and setting good examples and routines. Maybe it is good your kid is not exposed to your mom's guiltripping so much, this way your mom can tone it down before you guys can see eachother again..
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Old 15.12.2009, 11:44
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Thanks all for your replies.

We can't afford to send them tickets. We don't have enough money to go there AND to travel around. So that's why we made a choice.

To go there is very expensive. We also have to spend money while we are there. I mean, we want to go out, see around, eat outside, rent a car, etc. We are not going there and spend 2-4 weeks sitting at home.

I really think they could come here. But my mom comes up with saying they don't have money (I know they have it) and they don't gain any extra money now they are retired and with the economic situation, etc. And it's not their fault if WE live far away. Blah blah....

For me, it's a miminum of 8h in a plane with my very very active daughter sitting (I wish! ) on my lap. It's the vacation budget for the full year. Means we can't afford to go anywhere else if we go to Canada for the rest of the year.

They are welcome here whenever they want. But I guess they are not ready to spend the money to come here for couple of weeks while they can use the money on something else. (And they expect us to do it instead)
I'm terribly sorry for the guilt trip you are undergoing. It is not your fault you live so far away -- you are an adult and you have made life choices which brought you here and you should not be blamed for them.

Keep encouraging them to come visit the next time they have a chance (especially since she should know it's not that easy to travel with a child), and if she mentions the money again, than you should repeat that the same situation applies to you (give a little guilt back!) to her with no further explanation.

If you cut off the debate and keep repeating your invitation, she will probably have to give in at some point. She is obviously disappointed, but taking it out on you is not fair. Maybe try rehearsing your conversation a bit in advance...

Be strong!
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Old 15.12.2009, 11:54
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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I think what helps me with the inlaws competition is realising that you are actually blessed by having at least one set of parents near, on call, available if anything strange happens (meaning they probably live far too, but not across the world) for them to help you out. Your mom should be happy for that and appreciate it. My parents always eased my mind by making it clear that they are a drive away as opposed to a flight away, in case we need it. I know this sounds stupid, but being a grandparent is not only about exchanging some curtesies, taking your grandkid for icecream, cuddle and take pictures but it is also work and responsibility, providing security, it is not always easy (especially if parenting philosophies colide). Young parents need help. Extended family is so important, takes a load off from exhausted parents, they pick up what you left out, help out with disciplining and setting good examples and routines. Maybe it is good your kid is not exposed to your mom's guiltripping so much, this way your mom can tone it down before you guys can see eachother again..
Exactly!

I tell her how difficult it is for me having absolutly nobody around to help me. I am all the time with my dauther, I never have a break. I wish to have the grand-parents around to help.

Hey, she is the Queen of Nagging, remember? So she comes up with stuff like its not HER fault if we live so far, she would love to help but we don't want to live in Canada (like you can find transfer a job so easily) etc... So I stopped talking about my difficulties as well.

Guys, I appreciate so much your help. It's just a lost game I guess. They have the time, the money but they prefer to spend it on something else and push us to do the effort, to spend the money and the energy. She complains about my daugther not knowing her or will not be able the recognize her but we speak on the phone almost every day, we speak on webcam.

When it's will be time for us to move to an other place for my husband's job, she thinks it's up to us, and we should come in North America. I explained her again and again how things work and it is not our decision... useless. I'm already stressing... It will be a whole lot of nagging if we end up in Asia or again in Europe...
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Old 15.12.2009, 12:01
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Thanks all for your replies.

We can't afford to send them tickets. We don't have enough money to go there AND to travel around. So that's why we made a choice.

To go there is very expensive. We also have to spend money while we are there. I mean, we want to go out, see around, eat outside, rent a car, etc. We are not going there and spend 2-4 weeks sitting at home.

I really think they could come here. But my mom comes up with saying they don't have money (I know they have it) and they don't gain any extra money now they are retired and with the economic situation, etc. And it's not their fault if WE live far away. Blah blah....

For me, it's a miminum of 8h in a plane with my very very active daughter sitting (I wish! ) on my lap. It's the vacation budget for the full year. Means we can't afford to go anywhere else if we go to Canada for the rest of the year.

They are welcome here whenever they want. But I guess they are not ready to spend the money to come here for couple of weeks while they can use the money on something else. (And they expect us to do it instead)
I would not feel bad in any way, Nil, that you prioritize your family wellbeing over an expensive trip to CA. Maybe they do not get the fact how expensive it would be for you (and was). Grandparents also do not realize how bloody expensive it can be nowadays to have a child (maybe an update would help). And especially here! Things are not so expensive there, diapers don't cost you a leg, daycare is not so expensive there, either. You can get a sitter there without sacrifising the cost of a dinner for that or a new winter gear for your child. I would write a letter putting some basic costs down, making sure you do not want them financially helping, just stating facts and also saying how helpful it would be if you could get them over here for a little bit so the child can bond. Tell them of other grandparents having to travel far. If they can often travel to FLA it does not seem so difficult to get over here to you, see you in your home environment, your child, routines, etc. It is different than when you are a guest there.

I also know I go through phases when I am extremely sad for having to be far from my folks and in that time I do push them to come here, not realizing how difficult and a little unfair it is for them, too. I hope you have girls to get together with and keep yourself busy with happy thoughts. Being an expact mom is sad sometimes, especially on another continent. On the other hand at least you do not have to face the thigns that are not so nice on every day basis. Everybody has to compromise, back home, or here, the moms I know back home are compromising too, just in different issues.

It sounds like you need to tune it all out for your own healthy mind, really.
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  #29  
Old 15.12.2009, 12:03
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

There’s nothing unusual here Nil. We experienced exactly the same reaction. Your Mum is reacting like many a long distance parent after the grandchildren come along. Even the jealousy and emotional blackmail is fairly commonplace. But you shouldn’t feel like a ****. Your priority is your husband and your child. They’re your immediate family now. Their interests must come first. You have your own lives to lead. And you need your own vacations alone together with your own time and space to recharge your batteries. Hopping on a plane to fly half way round the world to visit relatives is fine, but with a young kid in tow it’s more like an expedition that can end up leaving you feeling exhausted rather than rested.

Other than having a very open and honest conversation which is what I did, there’s no easy way of dealing with a parent who feels neglected but if you visit them every once in a while, invite them over and are already using technology to keep in touch, then you’re doing the best you can and have no reason to feel guilty. Eventually they may come around. Mine did.

Feel some compassion for your Mum, because this is obviously hard for her, but don’t feel guilty. When your daughtr gets older maybe she can spend some holidays with your parents in Florida or Quebec which would be great for both of them. Your parents are fortunate, they're young and have that to look forward to.
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Old 16.12.2009, 15:56
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Lived in Europe for a year, no visits.
Lived in Australia for 3 years, no visits.
Dad says there's 'nothing in Europe he wants to see'.
If I have a child, can't say I'm too motivated to put anyone on a plane to Alaska....
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Old 17.12.2009, 01:17
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Nil, Sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with your mother.

Rather than your entire family going to Canada for a long vacation, could you and your daughter visit your parents for a week without your husband? I know that flying on your own with a small child can be a challenge, but then you would probably have enough money to see your parents and to explore Europe.

Grandparents can be very important - my 21 year old daughter, who spent her entire life moving from one country to another, just told me that she is very grateful that my mother was always the constant in her nomadic life. There are lots of benefits to growing up as an international citizen, but one of the downsides is that third culture kids sometimes lack a sense of connection. Since you're thinking about the possibility of moving to other countries, it would be good to discuss this with your parents and to explain to them that they're your daughter's link with Canada and that you value their relationship with her.
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Old 17.12.2009, 19:31
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Basically, their grand child is not worth plane tickets to them... seems to me you have the best cards to blackmail them emotionally for years and years...

Compromise: Fly to Canada every second year and only blackmail them emotionally the year inbetween.
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Old 17.12.2009, 20:36
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Tell them you'll meet them half-way.
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Old 17.12.2009, 21:21
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Your grandchild misses you and would love to see you. Your grandchild lives in Switzerland and hasn't emigrated anywhere. It would be a terrible shame if you couldn't find the money for a couple of flights to see your grandchild.

Us come there? Oh no - we're spending the vacation money on a trip to the Carribean - we work hard and feel we deserve it. Why don't you come and babysit your grandchild while we're away? She deserves some quality time with her grandparents don't you think?
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Old 17.12.2009, 22:00
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Tell them you'll meet them half-way.
Açores islands are wonderful!!! I vote for this one.
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Old 17.12.2009, 22:10
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Hi Nil
I really can empathise with you.
My Mum is actually Swiss and moved to England in her twentys where she had us, and I moved out here when I was 19 - so really she knows the score but still tried the game! With her the excuse was she would have to spend half her time here visiting family and friends (hmm, what do I do in England ). Whenever we do manage to go on a 'proper' holiday - has happened maybe every 3 years, it has become obvious that she is jelous, although she is NOW also well travelled. The difference is simply that travel was harder/more expensive/more exclusive a few centuries ago, and therefore not so accessable to families, so why should we be able to do that as a family...
At some point (ok, before I had children, but I do the same with my in-laws that live 1 hour away and find that too long to drive because of their dog!!! - we ONLY have two under 5 year old boys...) I simply said - we take it in turn to visit each other. You what to see us, you know where we are!
I've never had a very close relationship to my parents, and at some point out here I decided that they would have to realise that I am also a grown up, with my own decisions and own way of running my life, which they would have to accept.
We've honestly had quite a few arguments, sadly spoiling most of our visits, but slowly but surely it's getting better. They kind of see that travelling with children isn't always easy (not only the flight - ours is short, but car with a decent child seat, all those small handy things you use all day for your child without really thinking about it. I also got over running after my children saying 'don't touch that', 'be careful'... in their obviously un-childproofed house, but instead sat back and said, 'hmm, now I remember why I don't have ornamants out', or 'hey Mum, Marc is after the cat/stairs/plants.... again, go get him will you'. Made them a bit more willing to come over to ours where they just had to fit in instead of have their house turned up-side down.
Being a long distance from family becomes worse once you have children of your own, and harder when you see friends around you with close knit families looking out for each other. The bitter pill comes when the relationship becomes tense due to such disagreements. I have to say thanks to webcam my boys have a much better relationship to my parents in England then my in-laws in Switzerland. My parents have relented somewhat and come at least every 3 years, whereas my in-laws still have problems with the hour drive and only see the boys about 2/3 times a year!

It sounds like finace is a main topic with your parents, so I personally wouldn't ask them to spend the money to come over so that you can travel without children. If you feel they might be jelous that you are seeing so much the world, try offering them a paid minibreak away with you while they are visiting - therefore making a compromise by spending some of your holiday budget on time away with them...

I hope that you manage to enjoy the christmas holidays without too much nagging/guilt. If you ever need to off load, I'm not too far from Basel.

P.S. To phdoofus
I know the feeling...
Quote:
Lived in Europe for a year, no visits.
Lived in Australia for 3 years, no visits.
Dad says there's 'nothing in Europe he wants to see'.
If I have a child, can't say I'm too motivated to put anyone on a plane to Alaska....
Been here for 14 years, before children:
Visits from parents, 3 incl. wedding
Visits from sister, 2 incl. wedding
Friends that have visited 1!!!!!!

Last edited by evilshell; 17.12.2009 at 22:40. Reason: fixed quote tag, but not so sure I fixed it right........
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Old 17.12.2009, 23:13
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Sweetie, a mother's job is to be annoying. Anyways, we can connect your mom and my mom and maybe they can annoy eachother?
Can my mom join? please pleaaase....
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Old 17.12.2009, 23:29
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Well every family is different, I have been a nomada ever since I could pay for my expenses (18), i was single and it was always on me to visit them, but it was never a must, i could never think on a better way to spend my vacations than with my family.
Now im married and we just had our first baby and my hole family couldnt come, but my mom didnt miss the birth of her first grand child, they understand us, my husband has a son who lives with us and is not easy to go to see them, but then again he knows how important is family for me and we are moving for one year to mexico, so i can have the support of my family in the first year of my son.
I think it must go both ways and never an imposition, if you want to visit them, then go, but if you feel like doing something else then do it.

My mother always told me while i was in her house is her and my father rules I must follow, but someday i will have my family and make my own rules and she will respect them and so far she has done it, she always give me advises on how she thinks i can improve this or that, but if i decide not to follow she will not make a bad comment about it (not that i know lol)

Maybeyou could talk to your mom and explain her how you feel. I mean even if you were living there they would visit your house, no? So what if they visit you for a change now_?

Hope you find a solution that make everybody happy
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Old 17.12.2009, 23:59
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

I had a similar situation with my mom.

Only one thing made thing miraculously change: I started nagging her before she nags me!

Nagging about my daily life burden made her slowly realize how busy and overwhelmed I am.

To top a long nagging phone call, I would end conversation by saying how tough it is to be on your own in a country far away from family and friends… if only I could go back… how lucky SHE is… etc…

Yep, this worked.

Now she calls to ask me how I am doing. No more: “why don’t you call” “Why don’t you visit”,…

God bless them! We do love them even when they are difficult.
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Old 18.12.2009, 00:17
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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I had a similar situation with my mom.

Only one thing made thing miraculously change: I started nagging her before she nags me!
Will try that in my next conversation - about her health and eating habits. "eat healthier, go for walks, you're not getting any younger......" That'll send her running to the hills as mine hates talking about her health!

Thanks TAE!!!!
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