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  #41  
Old 18.12.2009, 00:29
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

I think once your parents get into their 70's they become just like kids getting worse and worse with age.

They make daft demands and take things for granted just like kids.

I actually wish I had been an orphan!
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  #42  
Old 18.12.2009, 11:06
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

I think she feels very sad because she sees all her friends enjoying time with their grand children and she can't.

She wishes to be able to babysit and take care of her little daughter. She has always been tough on me and she sees my daughter as a chance to be the sweet/funny/cool mamy. She would love to spoil her.

We had a conversation. I wanted to show to my mom how sorry I feel for her and how I care. My husband and I decided to pay a trip for my daughter and me down to Florida.

It's much cheaper to go there. She will also have a full 2 weeks of pure joy with my daughter without having to share her with the rest of the familly and friends. And meanwhile, I will have some free time to lay down on the beach and rest, rest and rest.

AND they will try to come this summer and spend time with us to visit around.

So this time, we compromised. I do know it will come again, again and again because this is the situation and I know how she is. She invented the nagging and guilt trip. She will find something else to nag very soon...

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  #43  
Old 18.12.2009, 13:09
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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She invented the nagging and guilt trip. She will find something else to nag very soon...

Yep she sure will find something to nag about and you will feel sorry for your father.
My parents are divorced and now I understand why my father left the old bag (my mother).
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  #44  
Old 18.12.2009, 13:17
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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I had a similar situation with my mom.

Only one thing made thing miraculously change: I started nagging her before she nags me!

Nagging about my daily life burden made her slowly realize how busy and overwhelmed I am.

To top a long nagging phone call, I would end conversation by saying how tough it is to be on your own in a country far away from family and friends… if only I could go back… how lucky SHE is… etc…

Yep, this worked.



Now she calls to ask me how I am doing. No more: “why don’t you call” “Why don’t you visit”,…

God bless them! We do love them even when they are difficult.
At last, a woman with a solution .....
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  #45  
Old 18.12.2009, 13:24
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Been here for 14 years, before children:
Visits from parents, 3 incl. wedding
Visits from sister, 2 incl. wedding
Friends that have visited 1!!!!!!
In my opinion you are lucky!
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  #46  
Old 18.12.2009, 22:22
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Well your choice.... but I wouldn't
You deserve "couple time" you're not only a good mom and someone's daughter, you are also a young lady who needs to spend time enjoying a vacation with her husband/partner.

Cherish your moments, build some happy memories, life is so full of responsibilities, don't forget to enjoy !

Your mom needs to understand that you're a mother too now and that you have your own feelings

Hope it works out for you !


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I think she feels very sad because she sees all her friends enjoying time with their grand children and she can't.

She wishes to be able to babysit and take care of her little daughter. She has always been tough on me and she sees my daughter as a chance to be the sweet/funny/cool mamy. She would love to spoil her.

We had a conversation. I wanted to show to my mom how sorry I feel for her and how I care. My husband and I decided to pay a trip for my daughter and me down to Florida.

It's much cheaper to go there. She will also have a full 2 weeks of pure joy with my daughter without having to share her with the rest of the familly and friends. And meanwhile, I will have some free time to lay down on the beach and rest, rest and rest.

AND they will try to come this summer and spend time with us to visit around.

So this time, we compromised. I do know it will come again, again and again because this is the situation and I know how she is. She invented the nagging and guilt trip. She will find something else to nag very soon...

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  #47  
Old 20.03.2010, 15:30
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

She is driving me nuts!

Always complaining, have something to critic. You can't win with her. No matter what you say, you are in the wrong, you are the incorrect one.

I feel with her the same way I felt when I was a teenager, it was aweful.

Anyone here as the feeling when you are with some specific person, you feel like they take out the worse of yourself?

When I am with them, I don't feel good. It makes me remember why I moved far far away.

*rant almost over*
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  #48  
Old 20.03.2010, 16:06
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

I'm assuming this is your mother's first grandchild.

My mum had a lot of 'ownership' issues with my first child...it took a long time and quite a few rolling battles to sort those out...

My temptation would be to email her cheap flights - keep sending her prices - for good deals - she should just come over - she's semi-retired and she could just hang around your place - not so expensive, and she needn't come when it's your *husband's* holidays - he has so few holidays, he needs to save those...

If she really wants to see her granddaughter, she will...if she can fly...she should...

My parents are 63 and 66, both still working full-time and they are flying Sydney-Dubai-London-Amman-Cairo-Nice-Dubai-Sydney - and fitting in 4 days in London...and they are paying for us to fly into London and stay for 4 nights in a cheap hotel with them...so that they get to see the grandparents...because they'd rather go somewhere other than Zurich this time... I guess they've worked out how to 'have their cake and eat it too'...
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  #49  
Old 20.03.2010, 16:07
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Oh, yeah...and you can understand that there are quite likely some underlying reasons why moving halfway around the world didn't seem too far
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  #50  
Old 20.03.2010, 16:14
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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She is driving me nuts!

Always complaining, have something to critic. You can't win with her. No matter what you say, you are in the wrong, you are the incorrect one.

I feel with her the same way I felt when I was a teenager, it was aweful.

Anyone here as the feeling when you are with some specific person, you feel like they take out the worse of yourself?

When I am with them, I don't feel good. It makes me remember why I moved far far away.

*rant almost over*
Might I introduce you to Monika, she seems to have a possible solution to your problem.
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  #51  
Old 20.03.2010, 16:21
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Anyone here as the feeling when you are with some specific person, you feel like they take out the worse of yourself?
Geez, yes! Jut because she's your mother it doesn't mean to say you MUST like her. My sister is the same. Unhappy and unlucky. Grumbling all the time.

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When I am with them, I don't feel good. It makes me remember why I moved far far away.
Yup, same thing happened to me a while ago. It's really important to tune in to how you feel about being with family and friends. I also worked out that a lot of the people I spent time with when living in England were not my friends at all (they were the friends of my soon to be chère-ex). How sad is that?!

Don't feel guilty, some people just don't get on. And don't spend so much time on skype, unless you're into self-loathing. Change your skype account or status.
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  #52  
Old 21.03.2010, 14:56
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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She is driving me nuts!

Always complaining, have something to critic. You can't win with her. No matter what you say, you are in the wrong, you are the incorrect one.

I feel with her the same way I felt when I was a teenager, it was aweful.

Anyone here as the feeling when you are with some specific person, you feel like they take out the worse of yourself?

When I am with them, I don't feel good. It makes me remember why I moved far far away.

*rant almost over*

Nil,

I feel for you, I really do because I have a similar prototype at home and it saddens me when I see how nice and helpful my mother in law is that my mother cannot be more like her.

My advice to you is to find a way to make it work for you and to stop fighting it because reality is, she will never change.

Easier said than done but I am trying to practice this: I phone a lot less, when I do I kind of checkout and limit myself to blabber and listen to her and say "yeah, mmmm, yeah, oooohhh" at appropriate places without being taken into her games.

It is sad, I know.

I wish it was different, it is not and I am so fed up with all the anger/grief she causes me that this is what is working for me.

Good luck and we are here if you need us

K
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  #53  
Old 21.03.2010, 17:21
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Ahhh...dont know what else to suggest then but to not let the emotional blackmail get to you. Easier said than done I know.
suimmerrain is right in two parts - try not to let it get to you and that it's easier to say than to do!

Perhaps you can make it an issue of how hard the travelling and time difference is on your little ones routines/sleep patterns and ask them constantly when they are coming over for a visit so they can see what your little girl does every day, where she plays, who her friends are etc.

My parents are half a world away too. But apart from Skype etc, another way to 'keep them in the loop' is if your phone can take short video, take some often and send it to them. Ok, its not great quality, but it is easy to download and sent quickly and it is convenient for you. It also keeps your mum 'seeing' your baby.

Another way I keep my parents 'surrounded' by their grandchild is to make calendars and other things through Vistaprint and give it to them for Christmas/birthdays. Then they are constantly surrounded by new picture/items of her.

One of the drawbacks of living in a global society is that we can be far away from the people who love us - at the same time, our technology does make it easier!

Good luck with turning it around!
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  #54  
Old 21.03.2010, 17:39
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

Nil,

Here are some book sugestions:

When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends by Victoria Secunda
I'm pretty sure it's still available on Amazon.
She discusses many of the issues that you've talked about in your thread.
I think you might want to have a look at it.

If you think some of your mother's behavior is really really over the top, read Understanding the Borderline Mother - the authors name escapes me at the moment but it also for sure is on Amazon.

I also had a "problem" mother. These books were invaluable to me.

Life can be really miserable when your earliest primary relationship is screwed up.

Good luck with it.

Edited to add: The author of Understanding the Borderline Mother is Christine Ann Lawson
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Old 21.03.2010, 17:52
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

She hasn't come to terms with the fact that you're an adult and a mother and that you're not just her daughter. She still wants to make choices for you, like she did when you were small. Some of this is to protect her daughter far away (her opinion ?) and some of this is unconscious resistance, denial of her own feelings "does she still need me ?" etc

But you.... when you can listen, consider her opinion, apply what is valuable to you, leave aside what is not and quietly realize that you are not bound to any invisible orders, and that she is simply trying to love you even if she's smothering you with too much attention, then you will probably feel better.

Hold on to the love, forget the rest



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She is driving me nuts!

Always complaining, have something to critic. You can't win with her. No matter what you say, you are in the wrong, you are the incorrect one.

I feel with her the same way I felt when I was a teenager, it was aweful.

Anyone here as the feeling when you are with some specific person, you feel like they take out the worse of yourself?

When I am with them, I don't feel good. It makes me remember why I moved far far away.

*rant almost over*
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  #56  
Old 21.03.2010, 19:49
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Bless her heart, she doesn't mean bad.

I believe she was the Queen of Nagging Prom 1967 when she graduated.

Beside the fact she nags on almost every little details in life, she is driving me nuts right now with the guilt card.

You see, I left the country almost 6 years ago. Back than, it wasn't such a problem until I gave birth to my daughter.

I do understand my parents. It must be aweful to have your first grand-child and being so far away. They don't have the chance to see her growing. I really really feel for them.

The thing is she makes me feel really guilty about it. I can't move back because of my hubby's job and I don't want to move back either. I want to go somewhere else but not going back to Quebec. And my husband is not from there anyway.

We went last summer and we spend a whole lot of money. We saw the family, they had a good time with my daughter but it's not what we can call vacation for us.

This year, we decided to not go in this next summer. With the money, we could go around Europe. I never had the chance yet to go to Paris, Milan, Barcelona, South, North....

Of course it doesn't make them happy to know we are not coming. And the nagging start.... How dare we spend money to go around, how dare we deprive them to see their grand-daughter. How selfish are we? According to them, WE are the one who lives far away, so WE are the one who should come. And WE should spend our vacations and vacation budget to go to see them.

I feel really bad about it but I also feel it is not fair on me either.

How is it with your family? How do you deal with it?
Possibly the hen-syndrome? It seems there is an epidemy out there, my mom can join the club. And she's only 1,55 hour far away, by plane. (O.K., it actually takes longer from her house to mine)
She always remembers to say things along the line "Poor thing, you live among foreigners" ..hmm.
But I love her anyway, that is her. A hen.
Will I turn into a hen, one day?

Just forgot to tell how do I deal with it: when at my parents' house, I am demanding, childish, lazy, she has to do the breakfast, she has to prepare the most laborios dishes, in one word, I am a total jerk. So they will not miss me a lot..
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  #57  
Old 21.03.2010, 19:51
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Re: My mom: The Nagging Queen

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Bless her heart, she doesn't mean bad.

I believe she was the Queen of Nagging Prom 1967 when she graduated.

Beside the fact she nags on almost every little details in life, she is driving me nuts right now with the guilt card.

You see, I left the country almost 6 years ago. Back than, it wasn't such a problem until I gave birth to my daughter.

I do understand my parents. It must be aweful to have your first grand-child and being so far away. They don't have the chance to see her growing. I really really feel for them.

The thing is she makes me feel really guilty about it. I can't move back because of my hubby's job and I don't want to move back either. I want to go somewhere else but not going back to Quebec. And my husband is not from there anyway.

We went last summer and we spend a whole lot of money. We saw the family, they had a good time with my daughter but it's not what we can call vacation for us.

This year, we decided to not go in this next summer. With the money, we could go around Europe. I never had the chance yet to go to Paris, Milan, Barcelona, South, North....

Of course it doesn't make them happy to know we are not coming. And the nagging start.... How dare we spend money to go around, how dare we deprive them to see their grand-daughter. How selfish are we? According to them, WE are the one who lives far away, so WE are the one who should come. And WE should spend our vacations and vacation budget to go to see them.

I feel really bad about it but I also feel it is not fair on me either.

How is it with your family? How do you deal with it?
Christ, my mom is the same way...a constant variety of nag, nag, nag and nag. I tend to apply the "one ear in and the other ear out" method.
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