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  #21  
Old 21.07.2011, 15:14
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Thank you for sharing, coconut.
I wish you all the best after what you have been through.

And a support group would be a good idea - even if we only met once or twice a month for coffee. I will monitor the interest level.
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  #22  
Old 21.07.2011, 19:03
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

I'm glad this thread got revived, good call Leni--
Really neat to check back in and see how folks have progressed.

For my part, I've just moved towns partly to get out of the apartment that was still haunted with all the memories, good and bad, of life together with my then-wife. It was a great idea. I'd be the first to scoff at a cliche like a 'fresh start,' but there's no mistaking that's what this is, and it feels really good. I have come a long way in the last year (divorce court, thank god, was a breeze...and that was the last time I clapped eyes on "that woman," what a relief!), therapy has helped, as has music and baseball and friends both here and back home. I'm getting reacquainted with a self I nearly forgot, the strong and independent man I was before marriage to a volatile, manipulative and narcissistic tyrant. I'm learning to live for myself again, and I'm remembering how much I used to like it!

I'm interested to see how the rest of you are holding up. I'd be in for a semi-regular sit-down as well, mark me down.

Take care everybody!
Ed
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  #23  
Old 21.07.2011, 19:35
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Cool Interest is mounting........
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  #24  
Old 21.07.2011, 21:55
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

During the separation, the divorce is worked out between both of you and the agreement is presented to the court. If you change this agreement at the court hearing it will cost you much more, so best to get everything sorted out and then the actual divorce will be clean and quick.

After the separation you find all your old friends have become his or her friends, and very few maintain amicable relations with both of you. Even some of the relatives change sides! Eventually after a while you meet new people and develop new friends to fill the gaps.

Hopefully you can learn from the painful divorce experience and change your attitudes and behaviour, and probably choose your next partner very carefully. People usually change their personalities while growing up, and finalising a relationship before both partners are mature can bring some unexpected changes when marrying very young.
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  #25  
Old 21.07.2011, 22:30
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Leni, I think your idea is a fantastic one. Count me in!
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  #26  
Old 21.07.2011, 23:00
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Well, it was actually coconut who mentioned this first, but I am happy to do the organising!!
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Old 21.07.2011, 23:04
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

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Well, it was actually coconut who mentioned this first, but I am happy to do the organising!!
thanks leni, i have my hands full with the boys and im bad at it
so if i counted right we are 4 already?
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  #28  
Old 22.07.2011, 00:40
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Yes - four so far - and ZH looks like the best place to meet up (quite far for me, but I don't mind - I like the city!!) Although open to other suggestions please.
Would also be happy to offer up my place and provide drinks if you wouldn't mind travelling. I'm in Langenthal - not a bad place, actually.

Olygirl - not sure whereabouts you are.........
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  #29  
Old 22.07.2011, 02:11
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

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Yes - four so far - and ZH looks like the best place to meet up (quite far for me, but I don't mind - I like the city!!) Although open to other suggestions please.
Would also be happy to offer up my place and provide drinks if you wouldn't mind travelling. I'm in Langenthal - not a bad place, actually.

Olygirl - not sure whereabouts you are.........
Well zurich is where i live so of course the idea sound great to me. But open to other places, only thing are my boys i have someone looking after them Mo, We, Fr from 11 to 5. any time between there i could travel as long as i have the time to comeback and pick them up. otherwise and if you all agree on zurich I can also offer my place. little, but great for some coffee and cheering up talk Then it can be at any time any day because the apartment is already *cuf cuf* tornado *cuf cuf* baby proof
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  #30  
Old 22.07.2011, 14:57
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Yes - the idea is more of an informal coffee & chat for cheering up purposes.
Nothing too heavy.
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  #31  
Old 22.07.2011, 15:02
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

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I moved out of the marital home 15 years ago and moved to Geneva where I was working.

My husband was a volatile, violent, drunk (Swiss). I had had enough. Then the phone calls started - firstly at work, then on my home phone (not many people had cell phones then).

I made the right decision because I feared for my life. Luckily we had no kids.

So, life went on. We both got on with our lives. We both met new partners. But we never got round to divorcing.

Then 10 years ago he called me and asked to meet to discuss our divorce. I said yes of course etc. We made an appointment for the next week.

He died, falling off a balcony, three days before our meeting. It wasn't suicide, he just slipped planting plants in those big planters they have on balconies.

So, instead of a divorcee I became a widow...
good plan, much better to arrange an accident than go through a messy divorce.*

*joke
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  #32  
Old 22.07.2011, 15:05
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Answering to 2 of your points:-

The feeling of guilt never goes away completely if there are children involved. It may disappear for a while but it always comes back, normally at birthdays etc.

I know one couple who divorced and then got remarried so it can work. In my case it is not a situation I would envisage to be honest.
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  #33  
Old 23.07.2011, 11:39
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

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good plan, much better to arrange an accident than go through a messy divorce.*

*joke
Funny you said that. for a long time afterwards I was questioned about my involvement in his demise!! The fact that I was 30 miles away.... I think his girlfriend pushed him, they had been having rather loud arguments for weeks beforehand.

Ach well, we shall never know.

He died on the first of April....!!
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  #34  
Old 23.07.2011, 15:30
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

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After divorce life is full of sorrow.......
Sending you a hug. What would you like to be different?
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  #35  
Old 26.07.2011, 16:03
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Count me in too for a meetup. I tend to lose track when threads fall off the front page so it would good if whoever moves this could send a PM to those interested
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  #36  
Old 26.07.2011, 17:13
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

I am still monitoring and will be in touch soon via PM.
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  #37  
Old 26.07.2011, 18:02
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Yeah... interesting to look back...

I'm much, much happier these days... you just have to take your time. But, I wish someone could have told me 3 years ago where I would be today... it would have made things so much easier. I've lost a lot (and yes, that includes money !) but on the other hand I have a great relationship with my son (who I see every other week) I have stable and secure future ahead me, I've enjoyed some great times with some great women and am now happily ensconced in a fab new(ish) relationship.

It all depends where you are in the process... if you're at the start.. remember it's a marathon, not a sprint and things will get better. If you're near the finishing line.. then start to slow up and congratulate yourself on how far you've come.
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  #38  
Old 26.07.2011, 18:44
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

Ok folks I have read all your interesting stories on this thread and decided to share mine hoping that it will help someone with what the pain they go through after separation/divorce and is probably the first time I go on a public forum regarding this.



I walked away from my wife/matrimonial home about 5 years ago and filed for divorce. There were many reasons but I guess the main reason was the constant lies and dishonesty. It was partly my fault for knowing too much about computers and after getting suspicious, I basically monitored my home PC and to my shock saw a side of my wife that shattered all my feelings and image of her. On the first serious discovery and after a warning, I went for a period of separation of 2 months, with a view to divorce (having got my own place). She came to me, kind of apologetic and blamed it on her depression.
After a lot of thought I decided to go back and give it another chance at least for the sake of our daughter. Soon things turned out complete opposite of what I expected and instead of a genuine feeling of remorse and a serious effort to patch things up, my return was taken as a weakness by her and her family and within one year things got very bad again. And guess what, in the middle of our crises I found out again that she was on a serious husband hunting trail on the internet. That was the last straw even though I had a lot of other major grievances; I moved out of the house with couple of cases, some books and my laptop and to this day (5 years now) have not looked back.



The divorce procedures were ugly, the lawyers got 20K each or thereabouts, it took a year and I lost 85% of our assets to her (3 mortgaged houses in UK) together with child custody. I was angry and bitter at her and the filthy family courts for punishing the victim and rewarding the guilty. And missed my daughter every minute of my life. Luckily she was quite good with contacts apart from getting a Prohibitive Steps Order, which meant that for years to come I could not take my child out of UK. That order got a little softer in the 3rd year, but the power of my travel with my daughter still rests with her.
Two of the houses were sold, and as she had very little income, and very extravagant, the money soon finished. I am on friendly terms with her now, realizing that she is the mother of my daughter and still needs my support. Neither of us have partners yet. She is consulting me of all people about declaring bankruptcy or debt management these days. In all these years I have tried hard to make a distinction about her interests and my daughters and believe you me, it is a very grey area. I am trying as much as possible for my daughter (10 year old now) to have as much normal life as possible. To her mother’s credit, she is a very happy, confident and successful kid in school and I am so very proud of her. I want to bring my daughter to Switzerland for a short break with me and her mother wants to come with her and despite wanting my daughter experience a normal family unit for a change (even if we get separate rooms) , I don’t think is healthy for the child or myself and despite the ex’s constant requests (I deny most requests and I know she wants reconciliation – but to me that really is a joke with someone of so little credibility).



As regards the pain of separation, it gets a lot better through time, but it never heals fully specially if kids are involved and you are attached to them. But I am a much happier man and I think so is my daughter who doesn’t witness fights and arguments anymore. And I have recovered the financial loss within past 5 years as my career progressed significantly in the last few years. Like my dad used to say, every morning the sun rises, a new life begins..
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  #39  
Old 29.07.2011, 04:36
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

A friend of mine just met up with an old flame from her teen years and consequently separated from her hubby, took their daughter and bought a house with this old boyfriend turned new life partner... Guess one might in 15 years forget why they separated in the first place

You all are such strong people. It isn't easy to start over but we only get one life so we better live it out the best we can. Good luck everyone, I hope the dark clouds recede and you find your place under the sun, you all deserve to be happy.
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Old 02.08.2011, 20:26
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Re: Life after Divorce / Separation

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...but I guess the main reason was the constant lies and dishonesty. It was partly my fault for knowing too much about computers and after getting suspicious, I basically monitored my home PC and to my shock saw a side of my wife that shattered all my feelings and image of her. On the first serious discovery and after a warning, I went for a period of separation of 2 months, with a view to divorce (having got my own place). She came to me, kind of apologetic and blamed it on her depression.
...
Glad to hear you're calling yourself "Mr Happy"... I'm in practically the same situation, with one child, little or no assets, and a soon to be ex who WASN'T apologetic... she was proud. I'll be going for the quick and clean divorce, there isn't much to fight for, and the ex is at least intelligent enough to understand that the father is just as important in a childs life as the mother... so she won't be starting legal battles. Sometimes I wonder why it all happened, if she thinks I'm an important figure in the childs life, why did she piss it all away in the first place?

Life goes on.
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