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  #41  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:30
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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You can't compare them directly, it's the woman who bears it, so in that sense it will never be the same in terms of who has the right to choose if the baby is born or not. Nature gave females the ability to conceive, so they should never be forced to have a termination against their will, I think you just have to deal with that.

Hence why my suggestion for the option of the father voluntarily giving up all parental rights and having to pay no maintenance, rather than pay for the rest of his life for an unplanned child he wants no part of.

Life is never simple.
I agree completely, and such a decision would not be simple. Which is why a single line response saying one would force a decision on the woman which could have mental and physical reprecussions is absurd also - it has visions of screaming women being dragged into hospitals.

It's a very very important decision to have a baby. If one person absolutely does not want it and the other does then for sure the other person can carry on, but I am against when the other party has made it absolutely clear at a very early stage that they do not want to go ahead, to then bind them into a life sentence of support be it financial, emotional or whatever.
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  #42  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:31
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

Yes, it was absurd. But it provokes interesting answers, which was the purpose. Well - I think they were interesting.

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Hence why my suggestion for the option of the father voluntarily giving up all parental rights and having to pay no maintenance, rather than pay for the rest of his life for an unplanned child he wants no part of...
I'm kind of sympathetic to this, but it doesn't take into account a wastrel who'll go round happily impregnating women, without any thought for the consequences.

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Life is never simple.
How very true.
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  #43  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:32
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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I think men can choose not to have sex with someone they wouldn't want to have a baby with.
Is this option not available for women ?
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  #44  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:36
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

I think the point being made repeatedly, and then missed, is that there is joint responsibility. Not just on the man, and not just on the woman.
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  #45  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:39
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

This thread got me wondering as I was talking about something similar with my husband only a few days ago. A couple he knows have been together for 1 year, he does not want children and she does. She stops taking the pill, he thinks she is still taking it. She gets pregnant and the guy feels cheated.
I am not saying the OP planned this all along but we should not be so eager to judge the man as we do not know the whole story!
To OP, I really hope you sort things out and think about what you really want, as mimi said, think about whether you really want the father to be part of your kid's life, not because of you but your child, peace of mine has no price.
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  #46  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:43
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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The law disagrees, and as long as that remains true then that viewpoint counts for nothing. Personally I believe that if the man is completely, 100% against having a child and wants nothing to do with it, then he has the right to cut himself off from all obligations, with the result being that he loses all rights to ever see the child, indeed all paternal rights in all form for the rest of his natural life. He makes the choice, he lives with it no matter what the regrets (or not) later down the line.

If a woman chooses to have a baby after finding ou she is pregnant, knowing full-well that the man (who may well have used protection and been responsible, it's not bulletproof) wants nothing to do with the child, then the onus should (in my opinion) be on her and the government to support the child... she consciously makes her choice and commits to a lifetime of supporting the child... something which the man didn't, and shouldn't have to imo if is unplanned, unwanted, and thus will be regretted till the end of his days. I can't think of any more tragic reason binding two otherwise indifferent people together for an entire lifetime than an unwanted child, I think it is heartbreaking for all concerned.

Controversion topic much.
I agree with you to an extent; but now we are getting onto the topic of abortion aren't we.
Also, as Tax Payer, I am sick of susidising other peoples mistakes in the cost of caring for single parent mothers.
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  #47  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:45
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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I agree with you to an extent; but now we are getting onto the topic of abortion aren't we.
It's an inevitable cross-over, and appeared early in the thread.
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  #48  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:46
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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This thread got me wondering as I was talking about something similar with my husband only a few days ago. A couple he knows have been together for 1 year, he does not want children and she does. She stops taking the pill, he thinks she is still taking it. She gets pregnant and the guy feels cheated.
I am not saying the OP planned this all along but we should not be so eager to judge the man as we do not know the whole story!
To OP, I really hope you sort things out and think about what you really want, as mimi said, think about whether you really want the father to be part of your kid's life, not because of you but your child, peace of mine has no price.
This just happened to one of my best guy friends. And he is doing the "right thing" according to all you and paying for a child he never wanted. He loathes the mother for putting him in this situation (and yes, I know her, and yes, she is a snake in the grass). It is extortion in my opinion, plain and simple.

I think if you have made it clear all along that you do *not* want to have a child, then on either side (meaning removing all responsibility and ties for the man or an abortion for the woman), it is acceptable to do what you have always said you would do in this situation. There shouldn't be any surprises here.

And OP, legally, of course there is a responsibility there (for the man), but you should be certain you want the emotional roller coaster that is sure to follow...
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  #49  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:49
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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Hi There,

The story goes that i knew the father of my child for a short while and found out I was pregnant, he said he did not want anything to do with it.
True, we don't know the whole story, so it is a bit premature to bash the guy. From the limited info provided by the OP, and the choice of words, it seems like a very short term relation, a one night stand kind of thing, in which case most likely procreation would not be the intent...at least for the guy.

p.s. is the thread split happening or not
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  #50  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:49
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

Iīm not sure I understand.. Cos if this is his child - he has legal (moral obviously not) obligations!
You shouldnīt be asking us for advice, you should be getting support from him like you get up every morning.

(I know from personal experience that women in this country are very well protected as far as this issue is concerned and that no matter how loaded or poor the guy is - he HAS to pay for his child)
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  #51  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:52
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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But why do women not say NO if they know they are having unprotected sex, and are not using contraception? Why? Yes, men are responsible too, and should use contraception - but why do women allow them have sex without. WHY? I was just a teenager when I walked into my GPs to discuss contraception, and earned his respect for taking responsibility.
Condoms are effective 97%of the time... So 3% of the time it is not effective.

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I totally disagree with this bit. If a woman decides to keep the baby while the man is ademently against it then she should pay for it herself.

How about I get an expensive Ferrari (even though the GF is against it) and I demand my GF to pay part of the running costs for the next 18 yrs, even when in the future we may not be together anymore ?
So for you, if the woman can't take the responsability on herself because of money problems, etc. and that the guy doesn't want to have the child, she should be force to do abortion? What is her other choice if she can't provide for the child on her own?

Did you see a scan of a 12 weeks old fetus? I don't think many would be willing to kill it and live with this guilt for the rest of their life. I have a friend who did terminated a pregnancy, my old flatmate. I was there at the procedure, before, after.... It was ugly to see her passing throw this. Many women can't get over this.

So why the guy, should get out of this all clean hands because HE doesn't want a child? If you are ready to have sex, you have to be ready to take the responsability of the consequences.

Comparing the care of a child with a ferrari is pretty lame to me.

What if he doesn't pay anything and in 10-15-20 years from now he discover a whole new interest to find his child? What if the child wants to find his dad? As a mother, you'll hide it no matter what because the father didn't want to pay back then? One old ex doesn't know his dad because of this exact same situation. That guy is going nuts because his mom refuse to tell him.

The child pass first what ever what the parents think about it or not.
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Old 20.10.2010, 10:55
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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This just happened to one of my best guy friends. And he is doing the "right thing" according to all you and paying for a child he never wanted. He loathes the mother for putting him in this situation (and yes, I know her, and yes, she is a snake in the grass). It is extortion in my opinion, plain and simple.

...
Extortion is to take money from someone for your own purposes. In this case the money goes to the child.
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  #53  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:57
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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Extortion is to take money from someone for your own purposes. In this case the money goes to the child.
It is *supposed* to go to the child. And the money gives the mother opportunities that she otherwise wouldn't be afforded--how is this then not for her own purposes?
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  #54  
Old 20.10.2010, 10:58
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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Extortion is to take money from someone for your own purposes. In this case the money goes to the child.
Trust me..not always the case.
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Old 20.10.2010, 11:08
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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It is *supposed* to go to the child. And the money gives the mother opportunities that she otherwise wouldn't be afforded--how is this then not for her own purposes?
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Trust me..not always the case.
Yes, I know. But what the mother does with the money is not under other peoples control. You just can hpe that the mother will use the money wisely. You can't stop the allowance on mothers in case that some of them will not use it properly.
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  #56  
Old 20.10.2010, 11:10
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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It is *supposed* to go to the child. And the money gives the mother opportunities that she otherwise wouldn't be afforded--how is this then not for her own purposes?
Now, when you get gov child cash support, are they going to check if mom is buying mascara for it? What kind of thinking is that? There is a certain willingness to believe the money (wherever it is from, commune, dad..) does go to the child. Child rearing is very expensive here, the most I have experienced and with the least gov cash involvement. So, I wouldn't jump the mom's shiite just out of principle.
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Old 20.10.2010, 11:10
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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So why the guy, should get out of this all clean hands because HE doesn't want a child? If you are ready to have sex, you have to be ready to take the responsability of the consequences.
So you're telling us every single time you had sex you were ready to have a baby? I call bullmerde on this one.
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  #58  
Old 20.10.2010, 11:12
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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So you're telling us every single time you had sex you were ready to have a baby? I call bullmerde on this one.
It's Nil, you have to have a pinch of salt ready for reading her dramatic arguments. Most sensible people know, of course, that sexual maturity is no indication whatsoever of being ready to bear the burden and responsibility of a child.
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  #59  
Old 20.10.2010, 11:13
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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Now, when you get gov child cash support, are they going to check if mom is buying mascara for it? What kind of thinking is that? There is a certain willingness to believe the money (wherever it is from, commune, dad..) does go to the child. Child rearing is very expensive here, the most I have experienced and with the least gov cash involvement. So, I wouldn't jump the mom's shiite just out of principle.
Sure, but sometimes itīs not simply a principle, sometimes you learn that your ex goes on holiday in Greece, buys the latest plasma-tv, drives a mean car..and you know she couldnīt possibly afford all that on her salary.
So men sometimes really do get pissed off for a very good reason.
Many men would be thrilled if it was just a mascara buy that is doubtful.
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  #60  
Old 20.10.2010, 11:14
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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Extortion is to take money from someone for your own purposes. In this case the money goes to the child.
I disagree. The woman wants to keep the baby to fulfill her own maternal instinct / her own childwish. So in effect the man is financing her 'hobby'
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