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  #161  
Old 21.10.2010, 08:53
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason .
Well, I dont mean to be pedantic... but it did happen for a reason, you were in a short-term relationship and got pregnant. While I know its more romantic to think so, and puts unexpected things in a better light, I dont believe for a second that there's such a thing as fate weaving a great tapestry affecting all things we do, just a series of consequences that are a result of the actions we take or are affected by.

Last edited by Chuff; 21.10.2010 at 09:28.
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  #162  
Old 21.10.2010, 08:55
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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Well, I dont mean to be pedantic... but it did happen for a reason, you were in a short-term relationship and got pregnant. While I know its more romantic to think so, and puts unexpected things in a better light, I dont believe for a second that there's no such thing as fate weaving a great tapestry affecting all things we do, just a series of consequences that are a result of the actions we take or are affected by.
Each to their own.

I do believe in fate and when I look at the different paths my life has taken me on then it's the only way I can make head or tail of things
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  #163  
Old 21.10.2010, 09:02
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

I do not know where abortion came the subject of the thread but knowing two people who went through it I just can say it is a devastating decision.
If even after having had 1 miscarriage I feel like it was my fault, I can not begin to comprehend how my two friends must have felt.
I do not accept abortion as a solution for MY life, but I can not judge other people. I also believe that there are medical conditions that are total legitimate reasons for it, but then again coming to that decision is something I hope I never have to face.
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  #164  
Old 23.10.2010, 07:52
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

Dear Lula78
I hope your are doing ok.. Please know that you are not alone and if you ever need a chat please pm me. Here is a link to a thread I thought might help you with some moral support.
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  #165  
Old 25.10.2010, 08:51
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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I can see this getting messy later as the blokes and the girls have their say from their radically, opposite-end viewpoints...

Nothing sadder than bringing a baby into the world in a situation where the father wants nothing to do with it, even resents it, in my opinion. Also horrible for the bloke as well (having known one or two unlucky souls), though that and our opinion in general is of no significance of course because we can't bear the babies. I am thus, of course, pro-choice.



The law disagrees, and as long as that remains true then that viewpoint counts for nothing. Personally I believe that if the man is completely, 100% against having a child and wants nothing to do with it, then he has the right to cut himself off from all obligations, with the result being that he loses all rights to ever see the child, indeed all paternal rights in all form for the rest of his natural life. He makes the choice, he lives with it no matter what the regrets (or not) later down the line.

If a woman chooses to have a baby after finding ou she is pregnant, knowing full-well that the man (who may well have used protection and been responsible, it's not bulletproof) wants nothing to do with the child, then the onus should (in my opinion) be on her and the government to support the child. She has consciously made her choice and committed to a lifetime of supporting the child... something which the man didn't and shouldn't have to commit to if it is unplanned and unwanted... and thus will be regretted till the end of his days. I can't think of any more tragic reason binding two otherwise indifferent people together for an entire lifetime than an unwanted child, I think it is heartbreaking for all concerned.

Controversial topic much.
If a man is 100% against having a child and wants to be certain he doesn't get someone pregnant, he could have a vasectomy. If he thinks he might want children later he could have some sperm frozen for use later when he does want a child. Otherwise, always use a condom and recognize that it is not foolproof.
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  #166  
Old 25.10.2010, 09:07
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

Don't know if it is the same office in Bern, but in Basel you can ask someone at the Vormundschaftsbehörde. You could also ask someone at the Zivilstandt at the local Gemeinde to tell you which office deals with child support in Bern (child support money is Alimente in german). You have to get the father's name on the birth certificate and then this office will arrange the child support contract (Unterstützung Vertrag I think it's called in German). If he refuses to cooperate they will help get the paperwork completed so that you don't have to deal directly with him if you don't want to.

There is also an office called the Alimente Inkasso, which will arrange for the money to be deducted directly from his salary if he doesn't pay regularly voluntarily.

He is required to pay 15% of his salary after social deductions like IV and AHV to pay for basic expenses like food, housing and clothing. The amount is less if he is supporting other minor children already. In theory, I was told he also has to share exceptional expenses 50% with you, like paying for braces, camps, extra schooling expenses. These things are supposed to be discussed and agreed in advance with you but if you are not communicating this can be difficult.

You may not need to hire a lawyer if you go to these government offices. I wasted money on lawyers before my daughter was born and they just ended up telling me to go to these offices, which I had to do myself anyway.
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  #167  
Old 06.11.2010, 12:11
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

Despite the very large numbers of replies to this thread there are none that I could find that focus on the most central individual in this dilemma - the child.
A child's persona is developed in relationship with their mother, father and other significant others. An absent father can be just as important in the development of a child’s persona as a present father. His absence can echo on into that child's life into feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and low self esteem. That other people call the child's father negative and hostile names is more likely to further damage the child as he or she will identify with those negative comments. This can be especially so when it is the mother or other close family members who project such hostile images.
Whilst nothing is set or certain I have known many people who following on from such an abandonment as a child have spent the rest of their adult lives trying to make sense of it and somehow put it right. A woman could find herself getting repeatedly into abusive relationships with men who abandon her as she tries to find the lost relationship she has never had with her father. A man could repeatedly get into relationships with women who he impregnates and leaves as he tries to understand and know the father he lost by being like him. An adult can of course attempt to compensate for their loss by finding very safe and limited relationships with partners who they believe could never leave or abandon them, or indeed avoid any commitment in a relationship what so ever. The abandoning father in this thread may himself have once been a child who was abandoned or harmed in some way as a child. Why else is he behaving in the way that he is?
Of course the mother is in need of help and support. She needs to be supported in proving this child with a future that will help protect the child from the harm that an abandoning father will cause. Calling the father names and people using this scenario to express their own personal hurt and anger which their pasts has given them is not helpful to the mother or the child. In order to ensure that the 'sins' of the father are not repeated in the child the child needs to be with secure, safe and loving people who do not put the anger that they feel with the father into the child. In order to not repeat a cycle you need to emotionally remove yourself from being in it. This is what the child needs from their adult community.
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  #168  
Old 25.11.2011, 18:08
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

Men vs Boys!


Here's to all the REAL men out there...

Boys play house. Men build homes!!!


Boys shack up. Men get married!!!


Boys make babies. Men raise children!!!


A boy won't raise his own children. A man will raise his and someone elses!!!


Boys invent excuses for failure.


Men produce strategies for success!!!


Boys look for somebody to take care of them.


Men look for someone to take care of!!!


Boys seek popularity.


Men demand respect and know how to give it!!!


In HONOR of all the men who DO the right thing!
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  #169  
Old 25.11.2011, 18:25
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

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Boys invent excuses for failure.

Men produce strategies for success!!!
This is your first post since you joined in June 2010?

Welcome to the forum...
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  #170  
Old 05.12.2011, 16:59
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

back to the topic.

a child has the right to know its biological parents, therefore cutting the father off from his rights is NOT POSSIBLE until the mother can prove he is a threat to her child - and "I am not interested" is not a threat.
But she will get sole custody of the child.
The alleged father can be forced to do a DNA test should he claim he is not the biological father of the child.

As for they money, most cantons offer an advance payment to the child (as it is the CHILD's money and not the mothers) and get the money back from the father - if he refuses to pay legal actions will be taken.
Even if the father cannot pay due to no or low income the child will still receive its financial support.

Calling the local "Gemeinde" will certainly help getting the correct points of contact.
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  #171  
Old 05.12.2011, 17:17
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Re: Father Not wanting responsibility

As a supporter of a woman's right to choose, I implore for this thread to be aborted.
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